As a lawyer, I have keen eye for double standards and no-win sitautions. Ending up the bad guy no matter what you reply means the question is unfair, simple (compare with “do I look fat in this, darling?” for an everyday example). Telling and being seen as the inconsiderate guy - or net telling and being seen as the one who has something to hide, that’s also unfair. These are simple mechanisms to which we’re all subject, but sometimes they get out of hand and whatever a person does, it’s bound to be seen as bad. We have a taste of that here.
What’s more, I believe Gordon’s getting too much flak in here. Let me leave no doubt: one doesn’t go to strip joints even as disinterested company, and one doesn’t abide a minute with a woman who’s making passes on him, a husband with a ring on his finger. Also, I can’t really imagine how a guy could get hit on so much just being there - but often the disinterested guy gets the hit from the women. When you’re happy in your marriage, you project certainty and confidence and that’s attractive and it also proves you have what it takes to maintain a woman and keep her happy. So other women may want it. And the challenge is there also. Plus, in this day and age, if you’re, say, a gym-going Italian (or half) with the gaze of Julius Caesar and the build of Mark Anthony, you’re probably gonna get propositioned all the time no matter what you do.
However, it’s not acceptable to demand a stop in contacts with friends (excepting those real bad apples) or family. What I see as a clear double-standard is this:
If she tells me she thinks an actor’s attractive I don’t feel betrayed or think she would leave me for him. If I say that I like an actress’s hair because it reminds me of one of our daughters, she’ll leave the room and quit talking to me because I clearly stated that I’m turned on by that actress and would jump at the chance to abandon my family for her.
Granted, this is Gordon’s view of it (or maybe I should say, “Gordon, this is your etc.”), but that’s a double-standard if I’ve ever seen any! The standard must be the same for both parties or else the relationship is uneven and that’s not good.
Next thing is why she demands simple friendly contacts to stop at all - even when nothing bad happens, no passes are made by the women etc - while she wouldn’t have unfriended the “boobs” guy from Facebook even despite totally hating what he did. There’s a disproportion there. Thus I fundamentally disagree with anyone who still insists on talking about a wife’s healthy instincts here, after reading the later posts which shed more light on things.
Another thing that I believe is way off, as far as logic goes, is asking why Gordon won’t become friends with his she-friends’ husbands
instead.
In addition, sure. Instead? Err… no, I don’t get it nor will I. This is not an attack, however, but it simply shows that there are some wounds that need to be healed before the whole situation is healthy.
So, I believe a lot of talking is needed, but I also believe that therapy is probably in order.
Lastly, giving in to demands won’t solve anything. As Gordon says, giving in gives cause for further demands, it shows the demander that the demand was justified and that further demands will be complied with. What’s more, it doesn’t actually give the demander any lasting kind of peace or sense of safety.
Heh, actually, I can tell you this from the perspective of having been the “jealous” person who is not understood by the one who thinks his behaviour is all right or “no big deal” - there is no kind of demands that you can make - even if all are complied with - that’s going to give you peace. And if the other person complies with the demands, you still aren’t rid of the
internal problem, i.e. the fact that that person
wants or even
would like to do things that give you problems. Any woman who successfully prohibited her husband from watching porn but without successfully convincing him that it’s wrong should be able to understand this. Besides, being in control only makes your weirder and puts you in a role that you don’t want (the tyrant) because it doesn’t feel like you.
On the other hand, I’ve been the “counterparty” to the “jealous person” too and I can tell you accusations hurt. Really. Yes, they offend the sense of justice and yes, they hurt a lot and yes, no one should have to go through them. No, they are
not the due reward of a person who’s devoid of fraudulent intent, no matter how negligent if at all.
Anyway, counselling, therapy… I believe professional help is needed at the point.
But charity means I assume you really are not intending to flirt, however they get the wrong idea. I really don’t get the wedding ring thing . . . maybe try wearing some religious jewelry as well, like a crucifix, to get the point across? Let your wife know why you are doing it, and maybe that will be some real reassurance. Making your religion more visible on Facebook could help as well.
). If you see a woman is overattentive to you, you need to put up some distance. You reacted properly and soberly by pulling your chair a bit. Congrats.