Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A classic line from the Leave It To Beaver show…

Well Beave don’t you want your grandmother to see how tall you’ve gotten?

Gee Ma, can’t she just look at the mark on the wall?
 
This one is a little racy, but I don’t think there’s fault in it.

It’s a way to start off a speech.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, in the words of King Henry VIII to his many wives, I won’t keep you too long.”
 
It’s true that a little hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

— Ronald Reagan
 
Remarks upon arrival in West Lafayette, Indiana April 9, 1987.

Although I have a feeling that he may have used it on other occasions.
 
On the topic of Leave it to Beaver, I’ve always wondered what denomination Hugh Beaumont was. He was a minister. Just curious …
 
So, I work at a pet food factory, and while I was picking orders, a forklift was restocking one of the floors above me. While they were trying to get the pallet of stuff settled on the upper floor, a small box of fish flavored Fancy Feast fell and crashed open on the ground right behind my area. As we were cleaning it up, I said to him “I think there needs to be an investigation of this, because something smells fishy in here”
 
According to Wikipedia (for what it’s worth) he was Methodist. Also, a Conscientious Objector during WWII who served as a medic.
 
I was being told of the wholesomeness of country music. Then She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy began playing on the radio. 😱
 
Sadly, a lot of country music these days is about casual sex. Often it’s hidden behind code words, like, for example, her dress on the floor.
 
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They used to say if you played a rock song backward you heard a Satanic message.

If you play a country song backward, you’re sober, you get your girl back, your mom gets out of prison and your dog rises from the grave.
 
They used to say if you played a rock song backward you heard a Satanic message.

If you play a country song backward, you’re sober, you get your girl back, your mom gets out of prison and your dog rises from the grave.
And you get your truck back…
 
I was told that country music was patriotic. Then Shania Twain began blaring from the radio.
 
I heard that strong drink has that effect…especially whiskey or tequila.
 
I never would have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would have weighed 20 pounds, but that’s what the scales say.
 
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