Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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You might be at my parish…when a troupe shows up in the front row to demonstrate the human chain technique during The Lord’s Prayer.
 
A family had returned home from picking wild mushrooms. They cooked them up and ate some, then got tired of them and served the remainder to their cat. The cat ate them, and immediately started having convulsions. The father called the vet and explained what happened. The vet said, “Forget the cat! You get yourselves to the hospital, at once!”

So, the family went to the hospital, and they all had their stomachs pumped. NOT a pleasant experience!

When they returned home, they found their cat very much alive, with a brand new litter of kittens.

OOPS!
 
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I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said, “you’re brave, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I said “the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical”
I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.
It was mealtime on an airplane and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

“What are my choices?” the passenger asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.
A scientist went to God and said triumphantly, “We’ve worked out how to make a man without you.” God laughed and said, “Okay then, show me. Go ahead.”

So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him.

“Oh no you don’t,” said God. “Get your own dirt.”
 
My monthly parish collection envelope packet has gotten so thick in recent years that they may need to include a collection envelope to help pay for the envelope packets.
 
A Little Halloween Humor…
  • What kind of music do mummy’s listen to?
    Wrap music.
  • How do you make a skeleton laugh?
    You tickle their funny bone.
  • What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
    I scream!
  • Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
    Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
  • The media just reported that a Piper Cub crashed into a cemetery. They’ve reported that to their knowledge, Search and Rescue workers have recovered 687 bodies and expect the numbers to climb as the digging continues…
  • Why do ghosts like to hang out in bars?
    They like all the boos.
 
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A man was in Walmart and needed to use the restroom. Just as he closed his stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed… the man said, “Ahh, I’m aight!!" Then the voice said, “So what are you up to?” The man said, “Ummm… Just trying to handle a little private business over here!” Then the man hears, “Can I come over?” Now very annoyed, the man said “Excuse me!!!.” Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s some jerk in the next stall answering all my questions!
 
I may have posted this anecdote before, but every year I am reminded of it and have to share the laugh.

Many years ago I worked at a hospital.
It was summer in the south, so there was always some insect crawling into the front entrance.
I worked IT and was on my way through the lobby to fix a computer elsewhere in the hospital.
There was a record sized roach that I swear had hair crawling across the floor.
Normally, I think nothing of it and step on it and move on…but this one was big and intimidating.
I gave it plenty of room.
There was a lady in the lobby, older and shorter than I giving me the stink eye for not doing anything.
She stared at me as though I was a bug myself, walked over to it, and in a dramatic fashion jumped and slammed her foot down to squash the offending visitor out of existing.

She missed.

The bug took flight right up her skirt.

I turned and entered the first door to present itself. A friend of mine was there checking in a patient. Seeing me, “Mark, what are you doing here?”
Well, I think that is what he said.
I heard “Mark, what…” Interrupted by blood curdling shrieking coming from the lobby I just exited.

I calmly explained to him that I don’t exist and was never here.
He pointed me to the back door of registration and I left to head back to IT.

I took the long way around the hospital for the rest of the day, making sure no patient or visitor saw me.
I never did learn exactly what happened in the lobby after I left. I was told it involved stripping, but can’t confirm it.
The beautiful thing was that the security camera system was what I was going to fix.
There was no footage of the lobby that day.
So no, I cannot confirm or deny anything odd going on in the lobby that day.

Enjoy.
 
I know. The choice of bug emojis here is pretty minimal.
 
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This thread needs a boost, so I’m going to open up my kid’s book of Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids. You have been warned.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hanover.
Hanover who?
Hanover the key so I can unlock this door.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie reason you’re not opening the door?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Gesundheit.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy you think I’ll be done with these knock-knock jokes?
 
Here’s my instinctive GRRROOOAAAANNNNN !!! (pumpkin pun)
 
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