Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A customer at the restaurant told the waitress that he wanted half a steak. After taking his order, the waitress went over to the kitchen and said, “Some jerk out there wants half a steak!” Just then, she became aware that the customer had been standing next to her. “And this fine gentleman wants the other half!”
 
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!
 
NASA ran out of moon rocks before they could send any to Texas A&M for study, so someone went into a cow field across the road, scooped up some, well, stuff, and sent it to them.

As the universities began to send back research results, those in on the scheme waited breathlessly for the report from the Aggies.

Finally it arrived, and the first sentence read:

“We have proven that the cow really did jump over the moon.”
 
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.

‘You don’t?’ I replied.

‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.

‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
 
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Heard this one about the Atlanta Olympics.

Some guy wanted some tickets to one of the venues (swimming, track and field, whatever). Gets everything lined up and the young woman selling the tickets needed an address to send the tickets. So he gives her his home address in New Mexico. She tells him that he must go through his embassy to get tickets, she was not permitted to send tickets to a foreign country!!! After going back and forth for several minutes he finally gives her his work address in Arizona, which was acceptable to the young woman.

All I can do is shake my head…
 
That’s par for the course in NM. They even had a book, “One of our 50 is Missing,” listing instances of the state being confused with the foreign country immediately to its south.
 
GEddie said:
That’s par for the course in NM. They even had a book, “One of our 50 is Missing,” listing instances of the state being confused with the foreign country immediately to its south.
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Oy vey…🤦🏻
 
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘CRAZY’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was ‘CRAZY’ and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked ‘What are you doing?’
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days’.
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
‘…And where do you think you’re going?’

She said, ‘I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark.’
 
No thanks to our “brilliant” (NOT!) education systems, today.

There’s this second hand store who would have hired this teenage girl, except she couldn’t tell time on an analog clock. If it wasn’t digital, she hadn’t a clue.
 
Took me too long for that one. I blame the fact that I just got back from the lab and was finally able to eat.
 
I only thought of that and made up the joke because @JanR mentioned analog clock.
 
I love it when jokes just appear out of thin air. Once, when I was riding the bus to high school, way back when, another student saw a sign as we drove by a Shell gas station. The sign said Self-Service Island. He pointed it out and said, “Self-Service Island. That’s where they found the Shell!”
 
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Someone once remarked to Will Rogers that Daniel Webster spike perfect English.

“Ah!” snorted the cowboy philosopher, in his own inimitable way. “If I wrote my own dictionary, so could I.”
 
Welcome to middle age…
I will let you in on the little secret that nobody told me;
That rigor mortis begins while you’re still alive.
😬
 
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Rob2 said:
Adam and Eve in the garden .

Eve creeps up behind Adam and puts her hands over his eyes and says “Guess who”.

Adam replies “Dont be so stupid.”
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And thus he was the first man to call a woman a derogatory name. That was AFTER the fall?
 
A young woman walked into the doctors and asked for his help, “Everywhere that I touch myself I have severe pain”.

The doctor asks her to show him so she touched her head and howled in pain, she then touched her elbow and again howled with pain, after touching her knee the pain was unbearable and she broke down in tears.

The doctor said “I think I know what is wrong with you”

“Oh, doctor please tell me,what is it?”

"Youv’e broken your finger " he said
 
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