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hope
Guest
Why won’t the shrimp share its treasure?
Because it’s shell fish.
Because it’s shell fish.
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fredystairs
Guest
A friend of mine got fired from his job working for Pepsi. Yeah, he tested positive for Coke.
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RN69
Guest
I’ve decided that Sally is an old lady hurricane. She’s slow moving, of ample size and going to be incontinent of a lot of water. Just saying! 
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Reverent_Howler
Guest
Catholic Kid: “Our priest knows more than your rabbi.”
Jewish Kid: “He should. You tell him everything.”
Jewish Kid: “He should. You tell him everything.”
The Buffalo Theory The “Buffolo Theory” of Guinness .
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of Guinness eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few Guinness, and that’s why Guinness is so GOOD for you!
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of Guinness eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few Guinness, and that’s why Guinness is so GOOD for you!
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
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fredystairs
Guest
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm it would justwater.
If it was served warm it would justwater.
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fredystairs
Guest
Happy cake day @RN69!!
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RN69
Guest
I appreciate it @fredystairs and that very clever pun! If I could I’d put a gold 
on it. Made me frown and then smile. 
on it. Made me frown and then smile. A Canadian hockey fan goes to heaven.
After getting over the surprise of being let in, he takes a guided tour. St. Peter shows him all the fun stuff available, and finally comes to an immense hockey arena.
Inside, the local team, Heaven, are practising for an encounter with Hell, which will take place that night.
Heaven’s team, dressed in jerseys with an “H” surmounted by a halo, are skating around the rink. Over in the corner, however, is this one player, skating on his own and wearing a sweater with the letters “WG” on it.
“Who’s that guy in the corner” asks the Canuck?
“Oh,” said St. Peter, “that’s God. He thinks he’s Wayne Gretzky.”
After getting over the surprise of being let in, he takes a guided tour. St. Peter shows him all the fun stuff available, and finally comes to an immense hockey arena.
Inside, the local team, Heaven, are practising for an encounter with Hell, which will take place that night.
Heaven’s team, dressed in jerseys with an “H” surmounted by a halo, are skating around the rink. Over in the corner, however, is this one player, skating on his own and wearing a sweater with the letters “WG” on it.
“Who’s that guy in the corner” asks the Canuck?
“Oh,” said St. Peter, “that’s God. He thinks he’s Wayne Gretzky.”
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JanR
Guest
Happy belated birthday wishes, RN69.
My siblings have been hare and now are on their way back home. We had a blast! They both know, as well as my brother’s girlfriend, they’re welcome here anytime they wish to visit, which I hope is more often in the coming months and years.
Now, to burn off those extra cake and ice cream calories …
My siblings have been hare and now are on their way back home. We had a blast! They both know, as well as my brother’s girlfriend, they’re welcome here anytime they wish to visit, which I hope is more often in the coming months and years.
Now, to burn off those extra cake and ice cream calories …
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RN69
Guest
Thanks JanR! I’m glad that you had a memorable birthday with your siblings. Get togethers like that are always too brief but each moment shared can be savored in your memories. 
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RN69
Guest
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed! @JanR Are you telling me that you resemble that Teddy Bear after your birthday celebrations?
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JanR
Guest
More like a hippo! LOL!
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GEddie
Guest
A man went to his parish priest: “Father, my dog just died; can you preach a burial service for him?”
Fr. said: “I can’t preach for an animal, but I’m sure the Baptists down the street will do so, for a suitable offering.”
Man: “Thank you, Father; by the way, do you think $10,000 would be a suitable offering?”
Fr.: “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic!!!”
Fr. said: “I can’t preach for an animal, but I’m sure the Baptists down the street will do so, for a suitable offering.”
Man: “Thank you, Father; by the way, do you think $10,000 would be a suitable offering?”
Fr.: “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic!!!”
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PaulinVA
Guest
Just saw this on Quora:
The NASA space program had an individual responsible for calculating the payload weight; a very important factor. They heard that the spacecraft would have a computer and that computers consisted of hardware and software so they obtained the weight of the hardware and went to the programmer responsible for loading the software:
Payload Specialist: “I need to know how much the software weighs for the onboard computer?”
Programmer takes them into a room and points at a large stack of punched cards.
Payload Specialist: “Wow! That looks heavy!”
Programmer: “Don’t worry. We only use the holes”.
The NASA space program had an individual responsible for calculating the payload weight; a very important factor. They heard that the spacecraft would have a computer and that computers consisted of hardware and software so they obtained the weight of the hardware and went to the programmer responsible for loading the software:
Payload Specialist: “I need to know how much the software weighs for the onboard computer?”
Programmer takes them into a room and points at a large stack of punched cards.
Payload Specialist: “Wow! That looks heavy!”
Programmer: “Don’t worry. We only use the holes”.
U
upant
Guest
A doctor received a call from his colleague.
“We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf,” said his friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” he answered gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
I just saw some nut at the gym.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
My mom asked me to bring her something hard to write on.
I have no clue why she got so mad. It’s pretty hard to write on sand.
“We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf,” said his friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” he answered gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
I just saw some nut at the gym.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
My mom asked me to bring her something hard to write on.
I have no clue why she got so mad. It’s pretty hard to write on sand.
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fredystairs
Guest
That reminds me of this little ditty back when paychecks were computer punch cards complete with holes:
“Here’s one for computer types
Those automated souls
How does one endorse a check
Punched full of holes?”
“Here’s one for computer types
Those automated souls
How does one endorse a check
Punched full of holes?”
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PaulinVA
Guest
Lily Tomlin played a character named Ernestine in her comedy act. She was a telephone operator back when there was just the “phone company”.
One bit she did was about getting a few extra days float on your mailed-in payment by taking the punch card that came with the bill and ironing it (“preferably with a Mary Proctor”) to shrink the holes in the punch card so it would have to be manually processed.
One bit she did was about getting a few extra days float on your mailed-in payment by taking the punch card that came with the bill and ironing it (“preferably with a Mary Proctor”) to shrink the holes in the punch card so it would have to be manually processed.
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fredystairs
Guest
I remember her routine!! She would say something like “Is this the person to whom I’m speaking?”
And she had another routine where she was sitting on a great big rocking chair, pretending to be a child, and she would say some bit of childish wisdom.
She was really a hoot!!
And she had another routine where she was sitting on a great big rocking chair, pretending to be a child, and she would say some bit of childish wisdom.
She was really a hoot!!
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