Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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You might be at my parish when…

The pre-Mass din of casual conversations drowns out the soothing sounds of the gurgling baptismal font.
 
Why can’t politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.
Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses
Always give 100%

Unless you’re donating blood
 
A tour bus full of noisy chavs from Yorkshire on a rehabilitation trip arrives at Runnymede.

They gather around the guide who says, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, “When did that happen?”

“1215,” answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, Damn, We missed it by a half hour!"
 
And then, to boot, the human cannonball quit.

That was the end of his act, as nobody of his caliber could be found.
 
Jimmy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Yorkshire firm based in York .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Jimmy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job.”

Jimmy , “And why would you be doing that?”

“We both got 19 questions correct.”

“This being Yorkshire and me being a Yorkshire man surely I should get the job.”

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Jimmy , “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down,

‘Neither do I’.“
 
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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist asks, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in jail and I’ll lose my license.”

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
 
Just so you all know,

Yesterday I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 down in Sacramento, which apparently were made by a Russian Pharmaceutical company.

I received my first shot an hour ago and waиted to let everyone know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.
 
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Anyone who say’s onions are the only vegetable that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.
 
Never mind the face, my palette could never tolerate turnips. My folks made me eat them when I was kid, even though they knew full well I hated them, and knew full well that I loved enough other vegetables and fruits to get more than my daily requirements of nutrients.
 
Oh JanR!! As I have read many of your posts, I was surprised at how much we seemed to agree on. Even our birthdays are close together. (Happy Birthday 2 days early! BTW) But here is where we part our ways because I love turnips both white and yellow. Rutabags at Thanksgiving is a must have dish for me. My German mother liked them mixed with mashed potatoes. She said her mother made them that way and called the dish himmel und erde or heaven and earth. I’ve since seen other variations of this dish but my guess is it would not be your idea of heaven at all! 😇😂
 
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