Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A resident at a nursing home told me this one:

“What did one postage stamp say to the other one”

“Stick with me and we’ll go places”.
 
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A farmer had to sell his dog. A man came to check it out and the farmer told him that he was incredibly smart. One of the things he did was to tell him how many ducks were down at the lake. If it was a pretty good number he’d grab his shot gun and go hunting. The man didn’t believe it so the farner said, “Watch this. Duke! Go count ducks.” Duke took off and came back a few minutes later and barked 17 times. The farmer then led the man down to the lake where they counted exactly 17 ducks. Being very impressed, the man bought Duke.

A few weeks later the farmer ran into the man at the feed store. “Hey, how’s Duke?” he asked. The man bowed his head and said that Duke was dead. He had to shoot him. He said, “Duke did just as he should every day. But last Thursday when I told him to go count ducks he came back and literally lost it. He kept barking wildly and picking up a stick and swinging it around until he fell over and then would proceed to do it again. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and had to out poor Duke out of his misery!” “Oh noooo!” said the farmer. Duke was just fine. He was telling you that there were more ducks at the lake than you could shake a stick at."
 
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The Texas Aggie saw a woman holding a very chubby baby.

“Golly, Ma’am, that’s a big baby. What do you feed him?”

“Oh, nothing special, just milk and orange juice.”

The Aggie’s jaw dropped. He looked at her, left, then right, left again, and right.

“Which one is the orange juice?”
 
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A skeleton walks into a pub, the landlord asks him what he would like, to which he replies “A pint of Guinness and a mop”
 
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A little boy, just starting to learn to read, was with his mother in a large department store. He announced to her that he had to use the restroom. She pointed him in the right direction, and off he went.

After shopping around a bit, she returned to check on him, and found him standing outside of the doors to the restrooms. At first, she thought he had finished and was waiting for her. But then, she learned he had never gone inside.

“Why didn’t you go in?” his mother asked.

“I can’t go in there,” he replied. “You said to obey signs, and that sign says, ‘parents only’.”

His mother laughed, and told him the sign said, “PATRONS ONLY”.

“We are patrons,” she said. “You go ahead.”
 
This is also a joke from when I was very young

Why are fire trucks red?

They are red because Russians are red and fire trucks are always russian so they are red.
 
True story:

Once I worked a long shift at my job and was very fatigued when I drove up to a drive-thru chicken restaurant. Back then, I occasionally ordered a liver dinner or a gizzard dinner.

I must’ve had a hard time deciding because when I finished ordering I heard a giggle on the other end of the speaker and the lady said, “Sorry, sir, we’re all out out lizards today. 😁
 
A couple of Asian tourists were in New York and came upon a hot dog vendor. They had heard about hot dogs and thought they would try one. When they got their hot dogs, one of them parted the bun and gasped, saying to his friend, “What part of the dog did you get?”
 
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Visiting a friend with my young son ,he nodded his head in understanding when the visit finished …my friend said she had better go help her elderly dad get ready for his hip op’ (operation)
My son asked how long had her dad been doing hip-hop (dance). lessons ? 🙂
 
Man walks into the doctors and says “Doctor I think I’m a moth.”

The doctor replies “You should really see a psychiatrist about your problem,”

To which the man says “Well I was on my way there when I saw your light on.”
 
Q: Why are Texas Aggies’ brains worth twice as much for transplant?

A: They’ve never been used!
 
True Embarrassing Story:

Background:
Shortly before high school graduation, every senior had the chance to write a brief “senior wish” line or two in the school newspaper.

My favorite teacher was Mrs Davis. She taught literature and seemed to focus on American author William Faulkner’s works quite a bit and I jokingly told her she was infatuated with him.

I also had her husband, Mr Davis, for a different subject and liked him a lot, too.

My senior wish published in school paper
“I wish to warn Mr Davis that his wife is in love with William Faulkner”.

The Embarrassing Issue with My Wish:
Unbeknownst to me, my high school’s main custodian at the time was a man named William Faulkner.

Most of the teachers and some of the students knew Mr Faulkner (the custodian) by name and got a big laugh at my expense. I couldn’t graduate soon enough.
 
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