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GEddie
Guest
A preacher’s voice thundered: “If I had the means, I would throw all the world’s liquor into the river.”
As he stepped off the pulpit, the music director announced:
“Everybody please join in singing, 'Shall We Gather at the River.”
As he stepped off the pulpit, the music director announced:
“Everybody please join in singing, 'Shall We Gather at the River.”
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upant
Guest
supposedly told by Abe Lincoln
There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.
So they got a portrait of President Washington and had it hung in the privy (toilet).
While they were negotiating something, the American Ambassador excused himself. His colleagues snickered and waited, but when the ambassadors emerged he didn’t appear upset.
They left the portrait where it was, but were perplexed by the American‘s indifference. They even began to wonder if he might be a loyalist sympathizer. Finally, one day when he returned from nature’s call, they asked him:
“What do you think of the art in the privy?”
“I can think of no more appropriate place for that portrait.”
The English are shocked, and the Ambassador continues,
“Nothing would scare the crap out of a British man as well as General George Washington.”
There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.
So they got a portrait of President Washington and had it hung in the privy (toilet).
While they were negotiating something, the American Ambassador excused himself. His colleagues snickered and waited, but when the ambassadors emerged he didn’t appear upset.
They left the portrait where it was, but were perplexed by the American‘s indifference. They even began to wonder if he might be a loyalist sympathizer. Finally, one day when he returned from nature’s call, they asked him:
“What do you think of the art in the privy?”
“I can think of no more appropriate place for that portrait.”
The English are shocked, and the Ambassador continues,
“Nothing would scare the crap out of a British man as well as General George Washington.”
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upant
Guest
What’s the difference between cake and pie?
πr2, cake are round
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo pss an shte!”
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?”
And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how…”
πr2, cake are round
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo pss an shte!”
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?”
And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how…”
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fredystairs
Guest
A recent graduate from (fill in you favorite university here) was looking for work. Here was going door to door asking for odd jobs. He went to a kitchen door and asked the woman who answered if she had any work. She got a brush and a gallon of purple paint and told him that he could go out front and paint her porch. The graduate agreed. In a little more than an hour, he went back to the kitchen and told the woman he was done. She was surprised that he got done so fast. He replied, “Oh, sure not a problem. But I wanted to tell you that that’s a Mercedes out there not a Porsch.”
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Greenfields
Guest
Gasp! …
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GEddie
Guest
The Texas Aggie drill sergeant was ordered to form a firing squad.
“Everybody! Get in a circle!” he roared.
“Everybody! Get in a circle!” he roared.
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
(I’m sure you’re going back to read this again!)
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
(I’m sure you’re going back to read this again!)
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GEddie
Guest
The Soviet Head Commissar was on an in inspection tour of the agricultural collectives.
“Comrade! Tell me about your potato crop,” he greeted one farming supervisor.
“Oh, Comrade Commissar, our potato crop is wonderful this year, in fact, we have so many potatoes that if we piled them all up, they would touch God’s feet.”
“You know there is no God, comrade,” the Head Commissar said.
“There are no potatoes either, Comrade Commissar!!!”
“Comrade! Tell me about your potato crop,” he greeted one farming supervisor.
“Oh, Comrade Commissar, our potato crop is wonderful this year, in fact, we have so many potatoes that if we piled them all up, they would touch God’s feet.”
“You know there is no God, comrade,” the Head Commissar said.
“There are no potatoes either, Comrade Commissar!!!”
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Tommy999
Guest
For those who may not have heard this one before:
The clergyman gets up to speak the traditional opening greeting and prayer at church and notices that the microphone isn’t working properly and says to his nearby pastor, “There is something wrong with this microphone”.
Assuming he had recited the traditional greeting, the congregation replies in unison, “And also with you”.
The clergyman gets up to speak the traditional opening greeting and prayer at church and notices that the microphone isn’t working properly and says to his nearby pastor, “There is something wrong with this microphone”.
Assuming he had recited the traditional greeting, the congregation replies in unison, “And also with you”.
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GEddie
Guest
“May the Force be with you.”
“And with your spirit.”
“And with your spirit.”
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Tommy999
Guest
A bored man stopped by the computer store and bought a laptop just for the Dell of it, then proceeded to the fish market and bought some fish just for the halibut.
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GEddie
Guest
Q: How is holy water prepared!
A: First, you boil the Hell out of it.
A: First, you boil the Hell out of it.
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch so he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
He had several hundred young layers called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch so he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
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GEddie
Guest
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!!
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Tommy999
Guest
True Story:
I was a baseball umpire one summer in a league for 7-8 year olds to make some extra money.
One procedural requirement in the league was for the umpire to ensure that the little boys wore a protective plastic “cup“ to protect their private parts. The rule was that any boy not wearing one could not play.
They would tap the cup with their knuckles or another object as proof they were wearing one, as it made a distinctive sound.
One time, one of the players refused to tap their cup. I pointed and said the customary “cup check” and pointed to the player to comply.
The player seemed upset and replied, “but I’m a girl”.
“Oops, sorry about that”, I replied.
In my defense, she was one of the only girls in the league and she looked a lot like a boy except for her pony tail that wasn’t facing me at the time of the “Cup check” inspection.
But it was humorous after the fact, even though the laugh was at my own expense.
I was a baseball umpire one summer in a league for 7-8 year olds to make some extra money.
One procedural requirement in the league was for the umpire to ensure that the little boys wore a protective plastic “cup“ to protect their private parts. The rule was that any boy not wearing one could not play.
They would tap the cup with their knuckles or another object as proof they were wearing one, as it made a distinctive sound.
One time, one of the players refused to tap their cup. I pointed and said the customary “cup check” and pointed to the player to comply.
The player seemed upset and replied, “but I’m a girl”.
“Oops, sorry about that”, I replied.
In my defense, she was one of the only girls in the league and she looked a lot like a boy except for her pony tail that wasn’t facing me at the time of the “Cup check” inspection.
But it was humorous after the fact, even though the laugh was at my own expense.
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RN69
Guest
It’s a gift to be able to laugh at yourself. My husband taught me how and it made my life a whole lot easier. Bless his sweet soul.
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fredystairs
Guest
I want to go on record as supporting farming. In fact you can call me protractor.
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