Keeping up mom's health and morale

[Xantippe]

I was just reading the following:

stthomasmoreacademy.blogspot.com/2015/11/personal-care-and-personal-well-being.html

It’s a piece about the need for homeschooling mothers to make their personal appearance and well-being a family priority.

I’m not a homeschooling mom, but I think the points have some general application. When the budget is coming up short (and isn’t it always?) mom’s clothes and well-being are often the first victim. And the longer one is at home and the larger one’s family is, the worse the situation tends to get. At some point a few years back, I suddenly realized that it had been 5 years of me never buying clothes in store that had to be tried on. I was just mail-ordering everything and my clothes were all really…stretchy.

Here are some quotes:

“I understand that it’s very likely that this lady who wrote this piece has been around women and girls who shop like their husbands are Wall Street executives. However, most ladies and girls reading these instructions are not such people. They are usually already cutting costs. And constantly having this drummed into their ears sinks them deeper into not having things they actually need. I can say this with some authority because I was one of those girls; you drummed things into my head enough, and I’d cave and go without things I really needed.”

“Among the homeschooling Mom, large family circles, the “modesty and neatness vs. elegance and fashion” problem put forth by the blogger who wrote the article is not the problem. The problem tends to be that the women have very little clothing, the clothing they have is usually old and stained and ragged, and they look like they have been dragged through a picket fence backwards.”

 

[pensmama87]

I basically need an entirely new wardrobe. What hasn’t been worn to bits no longer fits.

I bought three new sweaters on clearance at Kohl’s this week. And wouldn’t you know, I still feel guilty, even though before that I had exactly two shirts suitable for cold weather.

I dunno. Clothes are hard. (But shoes are worse!)

ETA: I will say that I’ve gotten better about self-care, though. I get regular exercise which is great for my physical and mental health, and I did bother making sure I got good running shoes (although still clearance ).

 

[heidi_storage]

What do nice clothes have to do with health and morale? Sounds like just one more blamed thing to worry about. I certainly agree that taking care of one’s health and hygiene is important.

 

[Xantippe]

I basically need an entirely new wardrobe. What hasn’t been worn to bits no longer fits.

I bought three new sweaters on clearance at Kohl’s this week. And wouldn’t you know, I still feel guilty, even though before that I had exactly two shirts suitable for cold weather.

I dunno. Clothes are hard. (But shoes are worse!)

ETA: I will say that I’ve gotten better about self-care, though. I get regular exercise which is great for my physical and mental health, and I did bother making sure I got good running shoes (although still clearance ).

I hear you on the wardrobe. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but at some point, I no longer owned any pants that weren’t either yoga pants or leggings. If/when I go back to work in the next few years, I’m going to have to rebuild my wardrobe from the ground up.

I’ve had some setbacks with exercise the last several years. There’s been some foot trouble that makes my old standbys for exercise (outdoor walking and treadmill) no longer advisable for any serious length of time. We bought an elliptical machine a couple years ago in the hope that that would be better and within two weeks of very moderate use, I had peroneal tendonitis. That took over a year to heal (and it still flares up). I tried a few exercise classes, but I wasn’t crazy about them (inconvenient times, hard and boring). I finally found a winning combination (for now) of going to our college gym and doing the recumbent bike for a couple episodes of HGTV on Netflix and so far, so good–but it took a couple years to find a livable formula. It’s something. I’m thinking of buying a recumbent bike for home (especially nice on these long dark winter evenings when you don’t want to leave home) but I may yet injure myself again, so I’m waiting to see if this is sustainable.

 

[Xantippe]

What do nice clothes have to do with health and morale? Sounds like just one more blamed thing to worry about. I certainly agree that taking care of one’s health and hygiene is important.

Well, there are extremes.

On the one hand you have the super shiny smoking hot church lady look–which we have a lot of in the South. (As a Northern blue stocking, I have no idea how they do it.) On the other hand there’s the other extreme, which (as the blogger points out) is more common among SAHMs of growing families. Dad gets clothes because he needs to look nice for work. The kids get clothes because they’re growing and they need new clothes and new shoes and kids clothes are cute and (individually) not very expensive. So, there’s a very natural tendency for mom to get the short end of the stick.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Health and morale may be two rather different things. (I know that, as a man, I don’t understand what clothes mean to many women.)

I buy most of my clothes second hand. There are tremendous bargains to be had. This is especially true of children’s clothing. My most recent purchase was five shirts for two dollars each. My mother used to carry a card with the whole family’s measurements on it, along with a tape measure, in her purse. She would hit the second hand stores regularly and could evaluate items very quickly. She was a wiz with a sewing machine, made her own dresses and draperies, but understood that it was more time/cost efficient to buy many items second hand.

 

[jlc2k2]

I was just reading the following:

stthomasmoreacademy.blogspot.com/2015/11/personal-care-and-personal-well-being.html

It’s a piece about the need for homeschooling mothers to make their personal appearance and well-being a family priority.

I’m not a homeschooling mom, but I think the points have some general application. When the budget is coming up short (and isn’t it always?) mom’s clothes and well-being are often the first victim. And the longer one is at home and the larger one’s family is, the worse the situation tends to get. At some point a few years back, I suddenly realized that it had been 5 years of me never buying clothes in store that had to be tried on. I was just mail-ordering everything and my clothes were all really…stretchy.

Here are some quotes:

“I understand that it’s very likely that this lady who wrote this piece has been around women and girls who shop like their husbands are Wall Street executives. However, most ladies and girls reading these instructions are not such people. They are usually already cutting costs. And constantly having this drummed into their ears sinks them deeper into not having things they actually need. I can say this with some authority because I was one of those girls; you drummed things into my head enough, and I’d cave and go without things I really needed.”

“Among the homeschooling Mom, large family circles, the “modesty and neatness vs. elegance and fashion” problem put forth by the blogger who wrote the article is not the problem. The problem tends to be that the women have very little clothing, the clothing they have is usually old and stained and ragged, and they look like they have been dragged through a picket fence backwards.”

Interesting read. I actually think she’s probably making her audience more narrow than is necessary. As you’ve already pointed out, non-homeschooling moms who stay at home can take the advice. I also think some working moms could use it as well (and yes, I’m talking about myself ).

I actually read the original post as I was getting ready for Mass tonight and looked down to see that I still haven’t replaced my heels - the seams are coming apart and the front is worn down. I’ve been meaning to for a few weeks but between managing my time and other things coming up financially, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

I am trying to get better about wearing makeup sometimes. At least for special occasions (days that I have presentations or networking sessions and date nights for example). I need to start exercising more. And I need to replace all but 1 pair of my work pants. Financially, I could afford to do all of those things if I spread it out over a few paychecks but it also takes time and energy that I have prioritized elsewhere. This blog post is a good reminder that it’s ok to prioritize that time for myself sometimes.

 

[pensmama87]

Well, there are extremes.

On the one hand you have the super shiny smoking hot church lady look–which we have a lot of in the South. (As a Northern blue stocking, I have no idea how they do it.) On the other hand there’s the other extreme, which (as the blogger points out) is more common among SAHMs of growing families. Dad gets clothes because he needs to look nice for work. The kids get clothes because they’re growing and they need new clothes and new shoes and kids clothes are cute and (individually) not very expensive. So, there’s a very natural tendency for mom to get the short end of the stick.

This is pretty much how it ends up going for us. And even with secondhand buying and the clearance rack, it adds up.

When I am clean, groomed, and dressed in attractive clothes that fit, I feel a heck of a lot better than when I’ve skimped on those things. if you look schlubby, you feel schlubby. That’s not a reason to go on a nutso shopping spree, but it’s not vanity for a SAHM to take time for grooming and making room in the clothing budget for herself, too.

 

[Xantippe]

Health and morale may be two rather different things. (I know that, as a man, I don’t understand what clothes mean to many women.)

I buy most of my clothes second hand. There are tremendous bargains to be had. This is especially true of children’s clothing. My most recent purchase was five shirts for two dollars each. My mother used to carry a card with the whole family’s measurements on it, along with a tape measure, in her purse. She would hit the second hand stores regularly and could evaluate items very quickly. She was a wiz with a sewing machine, made her own dresses and draperies, but understood that it was more time/cost efficient to buy many items second hand.

I think you’re probably not understanding the difference between men’s and women’s sizes. You don’t buy a lot of clothes for your wife, right?

I buy 99.99% of my husband’s work clothes so I have a pretty good idea of the differences. With my husband, I just take his measurements, look for the appropriate numbers and he can wear everything and it looks fine. Women, on the other hand, come in a vast variety of different shapes–everything from Kate Moss to Pamela Anderson to Janet Reno to Queen Latifah. I can’t buy so much as a pair of jeans without going into the store and trying on five or six pairs to find one that looks right–which is one of the reasons why I don’t currently own a pair of jeans. (It is possible to cheat a little with stretchy fabrics, but anything with a zipper usually requires an actual fitting.)

And regarding why clothing is important–if it wasn’t important for both sexes, the Marine dress uniform would be sweat pants and sweat shirt.

 

[bitterhope]

Personally I don’t like dressing up or wearing make up. I feel very uncomfortable and self conscious if I’m dressed up. I much prefer jeans or sweats and a tshirt or a simple skirt or khakis and blouse or sweater for Mass. My hair is long so I put it in braids, a pony tail, tied in a knot or bun or tied back with a bandana. Sometimes I wear a ball cap and put my hair through the back. I think it is very much personal preference and not nearly as important as it is usually made out to be. If I’m uncomfortable I’m not nearly as productive or affectionate so I dress how I am comfortable. If fashion were important to me then yes I would dress fashionably because that would make me more comfortable. There isn’t really a right or wrong here, just another way people are judgmental towards moms. If we spend too much time or money on our appearance people judge that. If we don’t spend enough time or money, people judge that. It’s all just silliness really.

 

[on_the_hill]

Well, this might not be the best idea for many people—but about a year and a half ago, my wife decided to take up sewing. She had never really sewn anything in her life. We have a discontinued, basic Brother sewing machine. Never had any sewing lessons other than YouTube videos. She poured herself into it, will spend hours a day on it, searches the 'net for fabric, and…at this point nearly everything she wears was made by her. She knows what works for her body type and it all fits better than off-the-rack. She picks her own fabrics, colors, patterns, etc. She makes a few things for our girls, nothing for the boy yet, and has been promising me dress shirts for a while now but hasn’t gotten the confidence to try it yet.

There are sacrifices, like many times we don’t have anywhere to eat because the dining table is covered with patterns and fabric–and woe be they who attempt to displace any of it…

She works part time as a college instructor, which is nearly a full-time job when you add up all the time she spends with it.

And no, she’s not the crafty type. She does not make artsy decorations, etc. I’m the artistic, dexterous one in the marriage.

 

[Xantippe]

Personally I don’t like dressing up or wearing make up. I feel very uncomfortable and self conscious if I’m dressed up. I much prefer jeans or sweats and a tshirt or a simple skirt or khakis and blouse or sweater for Mass. My hair is long so I put it in braids, a pony tail, tied in a knot or bun or tied back with a bandana. Sometimes I wear a ball cap and put my hair through the back. I think it is very much personal preference and not nearly as important as it is usually made out to be. If I’m uncomfortable I’m not nearly as productive or affectionate so I dress how I am comfortable. If fashion were important to me then yes I would dress fashionably because that would make me more comfortable. There isn’t really a right or wrong here, just another way people are judgmental towards moms. If we spend too much time or money on our appearance people judge that. If we don’t spend enough time or money, people judge that. It’s all just silliness really.

A lot of what you do normally would count as very “dressed up” for me.

 

[bitterhope]

A lot of what you do normally would count as very “dressed up” for me.

And that’s ok as long as you are comfortable. It honestly shouldn’t matter to anyone else what you wear or don’t wear. I’m pretty sure if you saw what I wear you wouldn’t consider it dressed up. My jeans are about 15 years old. Most of my sweats aren’t much newer, and some are older than the jeans. My skirts all have drawstrings so that they fit regardless of my current state (not pregnant, pregnant or newly post partum) and one I got when I turned 16. The other skirts I made myself. Find what works for you and what makes you most comfortable and forget what anyone else thinks about it.

 

[heidi_storage]

Personally I don’t like dressing up or wearing make up. I feel very uncomfortable and self conscious if I’m dressed up. I much prefer jeans or sweats and a tshirt or a simple skirt or khakis and blouse or sweater for Mass. My hair is long so I put it in braids, a pony tail, tied in a knot or bun or tied back with a bandana. Sometimes I wear a ball cap and put my hair through the back. I think it is very much personal preference and not nearly as important as it is usually made out to be. If I’m uncomfortable I’m not nearly as productive or affectionate so I dress how I am comfortable. If fashion were important to me then yes I would dress fashionably because that would make me more comfortable. There isn’t really a right or wrong here, just another way people are judgmental towards moms. If we spend too much time or money on our appearance people judge that. If we don’t spend enough time or money, people judge that. It’s all just silliness really.

 

[Xantippe]

And that’s ok as long as you are comfortable. It honestly shouldn’t matter to anyone else what you wear or don’t wear. I’m pretty sure if you saw what I wear you wouldn’t consider it dressed up. My jeans are about 15 years old. Most of my sweats aren’t much newer, and some are older than the jeans. My skirts all have drawstrings so that they fit regardless of my current state (not pregnant, pregnant or newly post partum) and one I got when I turned 16. The other skirts I made myself. Find what works for you and what makes you most comfortable and forget what anyone else thinks about it.

I am comfortable. I’d like to feel pretty, though!

 

[bitterhope]

I am comfortable. I’d like to feel pretty, though!

What is so important about feeling pretty? Isn’t being a beautiful person–truly beautiful through your works–much more important? Doesn’t your husband love you just as you are? I’m not saying you are wrong, I just don’t really understand. If that is important to you I pray you find the way to do what needs to be done for that to happen. I have never seen you but I have a feeling that you are a really beautiful woman and that your children think you are the most beautiful woman in earth all because if how you care for them. I’m pretty sure your husband feels the same way. Do what you need to feel important, but try to realize not everyone needs the same things. Neither is right it wrong.

 

[KnitNut]

I agree with her point about balance/necessity in terms of spending on ourselves…it’s much easier to do anything when your feet aren’t aching from worn out footwear, or you’re repeatedly stabbed by the pin holding together an undergarment. In that sense, I completely agree. Not sure what the best way to remind ourselves may be, though…how best to break that cycle of pushing our needs aside. Perhaps a monthly cellphone reminder to think about needs, seriously…and if you are starting with a bare wardrobe, making the commitment to add one thing, however small, per paycheck…and go from there?

Unfortunately her message gets a bit convoluted when she starts preaching about what HS mothers “ought” wear…because most of us are trying to avoid the institutional education model - the image of a home educator “professional” and her child “customers” is just…well…I can’t think of any we know in the Boston area (including the really wealthy HS parents and their 2.3 children) who adhere to that model. Parents should dress in clothing appropriate for the role, which covers a wide span of suitable materials/styles. If mom wants to wear earrings and this article can help her find a safe, appropriate way, then great. But insisting that jewelry, makeup, and specific attire is The Answer is to distract from the main, relevant point of her article…that it’s OK to carve out a little time and money to invest in ourselves, to find ways to bolster ourselves on a regular basis, whether that’s by wearing fancier clothing, hitting the makeup counter, or just a full 30 minutes in the bathroom without interruption.

 

[jlc2k2]

I agree with her point about balance/necessity in terms of spending on ourselves…it’s much easier to do anything when your feet aren’t aching from worn out footwear, or you’re repeatedly stabbed by the pin holding together an undergarment. In that sense, I completely agree. Not sure what the best way to remind ourselves may be, though…how best to break that cycle of pushing our needs aside. Perhaps a monthly cellphone reminder to think about needs, seriously…and if you are starting with a bare wardrobe, making the commitment to add one thing, however small, per paycheck…and go from there?

Unfortunately her message gets a bit convoluted when she starts preaching about what HS mothers “ought” wear…because most of us are trying to avoid the institutional education model - the image of a home educator “professional” and her child “customers” is just…well…I can’t think of any we know in the Boston area (including the really wealthy HS parents and their 2.3 children) who adhere to that model. Parents should dress in clothing appropriate for the role, which covers a wide span of suitable materials/styles. If mom wants to wear earrings and this article can help her find a safe, appropriate way, then great. But insisting that jewelry, makeup, and specific attire is The Answer is to distract from the main, relevant point of her article…that it’s OK to carve out a little time and money to invest in ourselves, to find ways to bolster ourselves on a regular basis, whether that’s by wearing fancier clothing, hitting the makeup counter, or just a full 30 minutes in the bathroom without interruption.

+1

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with her point about balance/necessity in terms of spending on ourselves…it’s much easier to do anything when your feet aren’t aching from worn out footwear, or you’re repeatedly stabbed by the pin holding together an undergarment. In that sense, I completely agree. Not sure what the best way to remind ourselves may be, though…how best to break that cycle of pushing our needs aside. Perhaps a monthly cellphone reminder to think about needs, seriously…and if you are starting with a bare wardrobe, making the commitment to add one thing, however small, per paycheck…and go from there?

Unfortunately her message gets a bit convoluted when she starts preaching about what HS mothers “ought” wear…because most of us are trying to avoid the institutional education model - the image of a home educator “professional” and her child “customers” is just…well…I can’t think of any we know in the Boston area (including the really wealthy HS parents and their 2.3 children) who adhere to that model. Parents should dress in clothing appropriate for the role, which covers a wide span of suitable materials/styles. If mom wants to wear earrings and this article can help her find a safe, appropriate way, then great. But insisting that jewelry, makeup, and specific attire is The Answer is to distract from the main, relevant point of her article…that it’s OK to carve out a little time and money to invest in ourselves, to find ways to bolster ourselves on a regular basis, whether that’s by wearing fancier clothing, hitting the makeup counter, or just a full 30 minutes in the bathroom without interruption.

Those are good points.

I find that when I try to do something for everybody every month with our clothing budget that it tends to evaporate without making much headway.

I keep a list of clothing items that each member of the family needs. (It’s a LONG list.) One thing I’ve done recently is every month to look at the list and focus on the needs of one family member in order to make a visible impact without just frittering it all away.

 

[Xantippe]

What is so important about feeling pretty? Isn’t being a beautiful person–truly beautiful through your works–much more important? Doesn’t your husband love you just as you are? I’m not saying you are wrong, I just don’t really understand. If that is important to you I pray you find the way to do what needs to be done for that to happen. I have never seen you but I have a feeling that you are a really beautiful woman and that your children think you are the most beautiful woman in earth all because if how you care for them. I’m pretty sure your husband feels the same way. Do what you need to feel important, but try to realize not everyone needs the same things. Neither is right it wrong.

I don’t think that being pretty and doing good are things that one necessarily needs to choose between–it doesn’t need to be either or.

Again, there’s the issue of morale–if appearances were irrelevant with regard to performance, there wouldn’t be such a thing as military uniforms or office dress codes.