Keeping up mom's health and morale

[DarkLight]

Or at least clean ones.

Sometimes when you’re depressed that’s an accomplishment.

 

[ThePCWife]

I miss the Mr. Rogers approach. Change your “outside” clothes when you get home and minimize total wardrobe. Broad general standards had their merits, and if anything the individualist approach skewing forced-casual is more oppressive in some ways.

Clothing that can be washed hundreds of times is an unprecedented luxury in the history of mankind, but it has other costs. Like the shame of bringing kids to church in footies because you’re tired and nobody comes over to help you get the kids ready, even if they are clean (kids and footies).

Of course, I come from a background where people needed (relatively) formal wear for stuff like church, weddings, funerals, even volunteering to be considered fully human, so the cavalier embrace of casual wear in every circumstance is pretty scary, especially since attitudes haven’t really changed quite that much, no matter what people say. People judge more silently where I live now, but it still happens. I sometimes wish I could go back home to the South, where people would judge with words but also come over to help you get ready each week.

 

[bitterhope]

It’s funny to me because I grew up in the South but no one where I lived ever dressed up. I guess in the mountains we did things different. I’ll be honest, dressing up was done but since I’ve lived so many other places now I see that our dressing up is nothing like many other places dressing up. If we were clean and fairly neat we were dressed up. I no longer think of us as dressing up when we do it, especially after living in Italy.

My whole point on this thread is that these discussions just highlight one more way we as women make things tough on ourselves. We worry so much about getting judged and at the same time we judge ourselves (and others) based on some standard that some authority (often self proclaimed) decides we are supposed to measure up to. There really is no right or wrong. It is very much an individual preference. If you feel better and more productive, prettier, energetic or whatever dressed in a certain way, or with your hair done, or with make up that is fine. That is exactly what you should do. That does not mean the rest of us are lazy, depressed, or less worthy of respect.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s funny to me because I grew up in the South but no one where I lived ever dressed up.

Some years ago, I was talking to a friend and the question came up of what to wear to an event at the college president’s mansion (a common venue for college events). (Our area is in the South, one of those places, where as they say, there are more Baptists than people.) Friend said, “Just wear what you wear to church!” and I suddenly realized the breadth of the cultural gap between us. As we all know from the many CAF threads on the topic, Catholics and Northerners are capable of wearing ANYTHING to church, so that advice conveyed exactly no information to me.

The attitude I think I was most trying to criticize is the one that says, “Mom should wear rags while the rest of the family has normal clothes.” And yeah–keeping from going ragged is surprisingly difficult, even in these days of inexpensive basic clothing. Stuff just wears out and there are a million other demands on the family budget other than making sure that mom’s underpants don’t have holes in them.

 

[bitterhope]

I do get that. Mom shouldn’t always get the short end of the stick. If we don’t take care of us we really can’t take care of anyone else. I guess I just don’t see what I wear as important enough to figure out something better and it doesn’t offend me if others see it otherwise. It’s important for women to feel good. Whatever you (general you not personal) need to do should be done.

Edited to add: I should give full disclosure to help this make a little more sense to others. I grew up in Appalachia. We had a priest when I was little that quit wearing shoes when he said Mass–always he was barefooted–because he wanted to make it clear to the many people that lived there that we were welcome just as we are. We had actually had parishioners quit attending Mass for months at a time because they had to wait until they got enough money saved up to buy a pair of shoes once the pair they had was completely worn out. After finding out why there were times some people quit showing up for a while and then came back just as active as before they left, he stopped wearing shoes to be in solidarity with them so they wouldn’t feel out of place when they were at Church. He later transferred out, but from what we were told he still said Mass shoeless. It was his little prayer for the people in the mountains. It really is very foreign to me this idea that clothing has anything at all to do with self worth. It’s not me just trying to argue.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

Some years ago, I was talking to a friend and the question came up of what to wear to an event at the college president’s mansion (a common venue for college events). (Our area is in the South, one of those places, where as they say, there are more Baptists than people.) Friend said, “Just wear what you wear to church!” and I suddenly realized the breadth of the cultural gap between us. As we all know from the many CAF threads on the topic, Catholics and Northerners are capable of wearing ANYTHING to church, so that advice conveyed exactly no information to me.

The attitude I think I was most trying to criticize is the one that says, “Mom should wear rags while the rest of the family has normal clothes.” And yeah–keeping from going ragged is surprisingly difficult, even in these days of inexpensive basic clothing. Stuff just wears out and there are a million other demands on the family budget other than making sure that mom’s underpants don’t have holes in them.

This part of your post jumped out at me. I remember being a teen and really up until recently when my mom was able to go shopping with me. My mom would always point out a nice simple dress and say, “Oh this would be nice for Mass.” It was so common that when my sister and I shop we use that phrase.

My mom worked as a seamstress, in Italy and in the US. One of my other memories is when we would shop, and something wasn’t well made, she would say, “I can;t believe they let this pass, my boss would give this back to redo because the buyer would not accept such bad work.”

My mom didn’t grow up wealthy at all, she was an immigrant from Italy. In Italy she worked as a seamstress and also worked in olive groves harvesting the olives for olive oil. She was young, 13-14 at the time when she worked in the olive grove.

I guess it’s cultural. When we would visit my father’s home in Italy, his sister would not be fancy at home. Skirt, blouse in dark colors, and slippers.

BUT, if she needed to go out and run an errand, even if it was to go to the post office, she’d wear a freshly pressed skirt, a freshly pressed blouse, stockings and pumps. Most of her clothing was probably homemade. She was a trained men’s suit tailor. Men’s suits are more complicated to manufacture than a woman’s dress.

 

[Book_Worm]

This post struck a chord with me. Although I am old enough to be the parent of most of you on this thread, I still follow my DM’s advice not to leave the house unless I looked good enough to run into the man I didn’t marry.

Every morning, I shower, wash, blow-dry and curl my hair, apply moisturizer, eye cream, eye shadow base, liner, foundation, powder, blush, and mascara, dress in attractive clothes, and am out of the house in 30 minutes, in time for 8:00 a.m. Mass. (Except I curl my hair after Mass.) Several times a week we meet friends for coffee after Mass. Two of us always wear make-up (A and I); two of us never do (C and D). Both of us are very subtle in applying make-up; I have a horror of appearing like “mutton dressed as lamb.” While I’ve noticed that the other two don’t wear make-up, it has never occurred to me that one habit is better than the other. However, I’ve overheard derogatory comments passed by C and D about women who get “gussied up” with make-up every day. It makes me sad that we women stand in judgment of each other.

 

[Xantippe]

This post struck a chord with me. Although I am old enough to be the parent of most of you on this thread, I still follow my DM’s advice not to leave the house unless I looked good enough to run into the man I didn’t marry.

Funny!

 

[ThePCWife]

It’s funny to me because I grew up in the South but no one where I lived ever dressed up. I guess in the mountains we did things different. I’ll be honest, dressing up was done but since I’ve lived so many other places now I see that our dressing up is nothing like many other places dressing up. If we were clean and fairly neat we were dressed up. I no longer think of us as dressing up when we do it, especially after living in Italy.

My whole point on this thread is that these discussions just highlight one more way we as women make things tough on ourselves. We worry so much about getting judged and at the same time we judge ourselves (and others) based on some standard that some authority (often self proclaimed) decides we are supposed to measure up to. There really is no right or wrong. It is very much an individual preference. If you feel better and more productive, prettier, energetic or whatever dressed in a certain way, or with your hair done, or with make up that is fine. That is exactly what you should do. That does not mean the rest of us are lazy, depressed, or less worthy of respect.

We are not islands, though. You grew up with a different group norm, and your choice isn’t as individualistic as it might feel to you on a day to day basis. Same for all the rest of us with dress. The part of the South where I come from, people helped each other meet the group norm that was fairly formal. They didn’t just expect you to manage it on your own if you were overwhelmed. If you had money to hire help, the people you hired, part of their job was to make it possible for you to maintain the necessary clothing and looks.

I think group clothing and dress norms that come with support are good group norms and where they do not, they should be rejected.