Little sister just told me she's a lesbian

[Sneaux]

So instead of abandoning the actual sinful behavior, she wants someone who cannot really say anything against it. This is not just kids who do this but even adults do this too. Problem with both is that they are just digging a big hole for themselves.

Parents get mad because they care more than anyone as to what happens to their kids. Kids misunderstand it as them just blowing up. No one blows up over things that do not matter to them. That is why other people are usually very casual about anything kids have to say.

Did the OP ever say anything about how the parents feel about homosexuality? Most parents either accept or deny their children when they find out they are gay. If her parents were to know, we don’t know what her future would hold. She may be completely accepted, or kicked out, more than likely somewhere in between, but still, can’t forget the extremes. OP probably has a way better idea than we do, obviously considering he’s her brother. Do you really think her parents can find a way to completely cut ties with her girlfriend? What are they going to do? Move? Put her under a monitor? If she’s been hiding it for over a year, and they’ve had sex, they’re obviously pretty sneaky.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Parents get mad because they care more than anyone as to what happens to their kids. Kids misunderstand it as them just blowing up.

I do not know what world you live in. In the world where my high school students live in, many parents tend to care more about *themselves *than their children. And it is their dysfunctions that are visited upon their children.

IF parents are the source of their problems, it was your responsibility to talk to them and inform them about the issues that were causing problems.

Most of the damaging behaviors I am talking about here are perfectly legal. If I talk to a father, and criticize him for bringing in women into the house for one-night stands, my union is not behind me and I could lose my job. The father’s actions are legal, and I am not in authority over him. I know this is not the way things should be, but it is the way they are.

Moreover, far too many students are abused by the parents/caregivers. Students get screwed up by this, but they usually don’t say straight-out that they were abused. Putting the ball back in the parents’ court could make the child feel that no place is safe, that everyone she tries to confide in only brings the issue back to the perpetrators.

Oh, and I’m still waiting for an apology.

 

[Eufrosnia]

Did the OP ever say anything about how the parents feel about homosexuality? Most parents either accept or deny their children when they find out they are gay. If her parents were to know, we don’t know what her future would hold. She may be completely accepted, or kicked out, more than likely somewhere in between, but still, can’t forget the extremes. OP probably has a way better idea than we do, obviously considering he’s her brother. Do you really think her parents can find a way to completely cut ties with her girlfriend? What are they going to do? Move? Put her under a monitor? If she’s been hiding it for over a year, and they’ve had sex, they’re obviously pretty sneaky.

Look, it is not a matter of what parents can do. The problem here is that parents have been automatically cut off from this information because some brother or forum posters know better. That is unacceptable. The parents have a right to know.

Now I also don’t understand what you mean by “how do the parents feel about homosexuality”. What do you want them to feel? Good about it? Because I assume that like any other normal person, they have an aversion to it. That is fine. It is how it is suppossed to be.

If they chose to kick her out unless she stops her behavior, that is their call to make. Not yours or mine. It might be their way of disciplining the kid. If they are going to keep a better eye on her, then that too is their call.

What I am against is you or anyone else encouraging keeping information regarding the spiritual or temporal well being of a person from their parents. Barring some grave issue with the parents (like the parents are mentally unstable or impaired, suffering from some disease that would require them to not be exposed to such a stress etc), this sort of thing is unacceptable.

 

[Eufrosnia]

I do not know what world you live in. In the world where my high school students live in, many parents tend to care more about *themselves *than their children. And it is their dysfunctions that are visited upon their children.

So act to correct it. Self designating you or someone else as the proxy parent is not a solution.

Most of the damaging behaviors I am talking about here are perfectly legal. If I talk to a father, and criticize him for bringing in women into the house for one-night stands, my union is not behind me and I could lose my job. The father’s actions are legal, and I am not in authority over him. I know this is not the way things should be, but it is the way they are.

Moreover, far too many students are abused by the parents/caregivers. Students get screwed up by this, but they usually don’t say straight-out that they were abused. Putting the ball back in the parents’ court could make the child feel that no place is safe, that everyone she tries to confide in only brings the issue back to the perpetrators.

Oh, and I’m still waiting for an apology.

First, there is nothing to apologize for since I do not approve of any of things you have said.

Secondly, if you live in a disordered society, you still have to do the right thing. If the father bringing in ladies is causing problems, then regardless of it being legal, you should talk to him. Could you lose your job? Sure. But that is what you have to do if you truly care about the kid.

Instead, you want to try and be a proxy parent or designate someone else for that role. That does not work and is not even a valid solution.

In the case of abuse, then you still need to talk to the parents and notify those who possess authority over the parents. This is just how things work.

Instead, you just want to chat the students up and hope things go away. Well they DONT go away. Most of the time its too late.

So as far as I am concerned, you need to apologize to your students, if any, that you stood by and just listened to without contacting their parents regarding the immoral activity the students were getting in to or authorities to correct the abusive situation by parents.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

First, there is nothing to apologize for since I do not approve of any of things you have said.

I asked you to apologize for being presumptuous, in saying that I defended the practice of cutting and in saying that I was harming my students. If you cannot substantiate these claims about me, they are sins against me.

Unless you have some further insights into morality about how presumption is not a sin.

 

[Sneaux]

Look, it is not a matter of what parents can do. The problem here is that parents have been automatically cut off from this information because some brother or forum posters know better. That is unacceptable. The parents have a right to know.

Now I also don’t understand what you mean by “how do the parents feel about homosexuality”. What do you want them to feel? Good about it? Because I assume that like any other normal person, they have an aversion to it. That is fine. It is how it is suppossed to be.

If they chose to kick her out unless she stops her behavior, that is their call to make. Not yours or mine. It might be their way of disciplining the kid. If they are going to keep a better eye on her, then that too is their call.

What I am against is you or anyone else encouraging keeping information regarding the spiritual or temporal well being of a person from their parents. Barring some grave issue with the parents (like the parents are mentally unstable or impaired, suffering from some disease that would require them to not be exposed to such a stress etc), this sort of thing is unacceptable.

I don’t care how the parents feel about it, they can disagree with it or go to Gay Pride Parades every year for all I’m concerned. I just mean that, possibly making a 16 year old’s life miserable, because her parents “have the right to know” is ridiculous.

I honestly think we should leave it up to the OP. He knows what is parents will do. I just pray that disowning her isn’t their way of “discipline” You think she’s bad now, for being attracted to women, if she’s outed before she’s ready, that might really push her off a cliff. To either rebelling or just feeling flat out hopeless.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yeah, they’ve had sex…just found that out.

Oh, dear…

I’m putting you all in my prayers. Never give up hope, this is something that is rather common in today’s society, your sister needs to be reminded that this is a grave sin and she needs to stop doing it. It is the same as if she were having sex with a boy. It is being unchaste.

 

[John_of_Woking]

Yeah, they’ve had sex…just found that out.

That is terrible. I will pray for her and you

 

[Vincent90]

I told her if they kick her out, that she can come live with me, for all of you saying they might kick her out. It’s possible. I’ve honestly never really heard my parents mention homosexuality…I’m not sure how they feel.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yeah, they’ve had sex…just found that out.

Also, please talk to your sister and urge her to tell your parents. Tell her that you will be there with her if she wants, but keep reminding her that keeping this secret harms her even more. I feel very sad for all involved.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Also, please talk to your sister and urge her to tell your parents. Tell her that you will be there with her if she wants, but keep reminding her that keeping this secret harms her even more. I feel very sad for all involved.

I agree with this advice, for sure.

Keeping her trust is central here, but that doesn’t mean you cannot exert any pressure in the situation.

 

[Vincent90]

I agree with this advice, for sure.

Keeping her trust is central here, but that doesn’t mean you cannot exert any pressure in the situation.

Yeah…I’m going to talk to her. She still hasn’t told the nun yet, I understand though. My parents won’t be here until later, so that gives plenty of time.

 

[RACJ]

How old is the girlfriend? Many older women prey upon the insecurities of young girls, and lure them into sexual relationships. Studies have shown that many girls who are with other girls at 16 or 17 switch are completely hetero at 18. Hopefully, this will happen to your sister as well.

 

[Vincent90]

How old is the girlfriend? Many older women prey upon the insecurities of young girls, and lure them into sexual relationships. Studies have shown that many girls who are with other girls at 16 or 17 switch are completely hetero at 18. Hopefully, this will happen to your sister as well.

She’s 17. My sister at least claims, they never did anything until 8 months…and then that just “happened” it was never planned. I don’t know…the more she says stuff, the more it’s convincing me, she won’t be changing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

She’s 17. My sister at least claims, they never did anything until 8 months…and then that just “happened” it was never planned. I don’t know…the more she says stuff, the more it’s convincing me, she won’t be changing.

Now, now. You shouldn’t lose hope and you shouldn’t give up on her. It’s not whether or not she changes, but she needs to understand that females are not to have sex with other females, regardless of their attractions. This is completely counter-cultural so it won’t be easy to communicate. But she does need to know what the consequences of her choice of actions are likely to be.

I hope she does talk to the nun that she knows. But I would think that she might not want to discuss homosexual acts with someone who has taken a vow of chastity.

 

[Vincent90]

I don’t really care if she changes or not. I never expected to feel this way. My friends and I always joked around about gays.What they do is kind of gross…but, it’s weird, because I always thought they should change and figured I’d freak if a family member turned out to be gay, but that’s not the case…I was shocked, and thought it was a little weird, but I haven’t yet questioned whether I still love her or not…even when she told me that they’ve had sex…I’d prefer her to be chaste…but if she’s not…I love her either way.

This is probably bad, but I think I’m starting to see why some people support gay marriage…I still don’t really support it, but I can see why some people do…

 

[PoliSciProf]

I have a good bit of experience (but no wisdom) with LGTB issues with students who feel for whatever reason comfortable confiding in me. I am not the first to have noticed that the teen/college years are times of experimentation and figuring out identity issues. I had a student (an English major) a while ago who thought he was gay and actually, wanted to be gay. Our culture has made the LG life style to be trendy and cool. Being LGTB also confers victim status on a population which draws support from idealistic straight students. It is akin to being anti-racist or vegan or pro animal rights etc. for unformed adolescents who seek to define themselves by the causes they join or even by becoming a victim. My gay wannabe English major (now a prof) who kept in touch with me turned out not have had any same sex attraction at all. My point in short: 16 is awfully young to understand human sexuality and cultural pressures. Listen and pray and respond with Christian charity and love. I want to stress that I fully understand the social justice issues confronting the LGTB population and the concerns of other social activists and do not demean their good will and intentions. And, I have no idea of the ultimate causes of same sex attraction. I hope this helps.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t really care if she changes or not. I never expected to feel this way. My friends and I always joked around about gays.What they do is kind of gross…but, it’s weird, because I always thought they should change and figured I’d freak if a family member turned out to be gay, but that’s not the case…I was shocked, and thought it was a little weird, but I haven’t yet questioned whether I still love her or not…even when she told me that they’ve had sex…I’d prefer her to be chaste…but if she’s not…I love her either way.

This is probably bad, but I think I’m starting to see why some people support gay marriage…I still don’t really support it, but I can see why some people do…

Of course you don’t stop loving her. It’s not your preferences that count, though, you know that. It’s what God expects from us. Yes it’s a heavy cross to stay chaste for life, if one has homosexual attractions. I’m not gay, so I am not speaking from inside knowledge, but I would imagine it is a difficult thing to consider. Yet you do know the difference between what society says and what God says. Please do not become one of the “whatever” Catholics!

 

[Eufrosnia]

I don’t care how the parents feel about it, they can disagree with it or go to Gay Pride Parades every year for all I’m concerned. I just mean that, possibly making a 16 year old’s life miserable, because her parents “have the right to know” is ridiculous.

There are consequences for actions. That includes misery. You cannot save her from the natural consequences of her actions. If she does not learn about the misery now and abandon her ways, she will have to face that misery tenfold somewhere down the road or eternal misery in hell. Which do you prefer?

As Christians, there is no question here as to which one should prefer.

I honestly think we should leave it up to the OP. He knows what is parents will do. I just pray that disowning her isn’t their way of “discipline” You think she’s bad now, for being attracted to women, if she’s outed before she’s ready, that might really push her off a cliff. To either rebelling or just feeling flat out hopeless.

Well in the end the OP is the one who will make the choice and will carry the guilt of that choice. But there is such a thing as a correct (moral) choice and an incorrect (immoral) choice to make at this time. We can only show which each action corresponds to. The OP in his free-will will then make a decision, yes.

 

[Eufrosnia]

I agree with this advice, for sure.

Keeping her trust is central here, but that doesn’t mean you cannot exert any pressure in the situation.

You know, I am frankly tired of this trust issue. Its almost as if you are willing to hold secrets while the person is destroying themselves all because of some misunderstood distorted view of trust you have.

Now its ok if you want to do that personally. But you keep saying this as if everyone else should follow it. Please understand that there is no implicit TRUST in the form you describe between conversing parties when the spiritual or temporal well being of a person is involved. You are making this in to a dilemma when there is none.