Looking for some advice!!!

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You are correct. He will most likely turn it on me or my kids.

I want to Thank everyone who has posted advice to me. Keep pushing me to do what is right from kids. This is helping. You advice is really making me think about a lot of different things that have happened in my life and what kind of life I want for my kids and I.
 
Remember most people on here will fight to save a Sacramental marriage. In a Sacrament Christ is present when the Sacrament takes place. It doesn’t sound like Christ was ever there for your husband and that really is a marriage of one. Please do the right thing for your children - they are your gifts from this.
 
absolutely we will strongly advocate for sacramental marriages. a sacramental marriage is indisoluble-- joined by God. let no man put asunder.

OP, your scenario, though, bears strong likeness to this warning from paul to timothy:
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
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They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires,
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2 Tim.

OP, once I was one of the weak-willed women Paul described. The bad guy wormed his way into my house and gained control. it was difficult and scary to get free of that.

I hope and pray you rely on God’s grace to transform your inner resources with power, and to shine a light on the true resources He’s put in your life-- resources of people and support you didn’tbelieve were there for you!
 
monicatholic said:
absolutely we will strongly advocate for sacramental marriages. a sacramental marriage is indisoluble-- joined by God. let no man put asunder.

OP, your scenario, though, bears strong likeness to this warning from paul to timothy:

2 Tim.

OP, once I was one of the weak-willed women Paul described. The bad guy wormed his way into my house and gained control. it was difficult and scary to get free of that.

I hope and pray you rely on God’s grace to transform your inner resources with power, and to shine a light on the true resources He’s put in your life-- resources of people and support you didn’tbelieve were there for you!
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That was very well put and goes to show that when in doubt - follow directions.
 
Thank you for the advice again. I have read and thought about everything everyone has posted on this. I still find myself thinking that this is normal. Hopefully the counseling that I will be starting will help with that. I have been given a really false sense of how a man is to be with a wife my entire life.

Every night this week it has been about him and his needs(sexual) and what he wants. No consideration about me or what I want or need. It is frustrating and I know I have control of this. We are also have financial issues and he doesn’t understand. So this just adds to the stress that is already there on my end.

My daughter starts her counseling tonight and my husband said to me that he wanted to go and tell the counselor his thoughts about what is going on with my daughter. I said to him that he didn’t need to go that I could handle it but then I thought well if he doesn’t go then the other two girls will be at the house with him and he will definite be surfing porn because I am not there. So, he is going to go with me to her appointment which has upset my daughter because she doesn’t care for him. So, I don’t know what to do in regard to this. My husband belittles my daughter.

Do you think that I could be adding to the problem by having him come to the meeting? He has nothing good to say about my daughter at all.

Looking forward to hear from you!!!
 
I would say don’t have him at the house or at the meeting. Get a restraining order if necessary.
 
I’d call the counselor and warn her the daddy wants to come. I went to counselling with such a man. My xh sat there and negated everything I said and told the counselor what I meant to say was…

It gave her a good idea just what I was dealing with. Your daughter needs to be able to speak. I wonder also if he’s going to police what she says and find out what she is saying about him. The girl needs to be able to talk about him in a room with the door closed and him not in there.

This man is NOT normal, and if you keep him around and let him use you and do who knows what around these kids, a judge would have every right to declare YOU unfit and not protecting them.

You need to think of your children. No poster here has said this man sounds normal. Keep him around and someday you may find your kids hate YOU for making them live with him.

It’s not about money. We’ve all taken a hit to get rid of an abusive man. Get him out. Talk to a lawyer.
Immediately.
 
heather0370 said:
Thank you for the advice again. I have read and thought about everything everyone has posted on this. I still find myself thinking that this is normal. Hopefully the counseling that I will be starting will help with that. I have been given a really false sense of how a man is to be with a wife my entire life.

Every night this week it has been about him and his needs(sexual) and what he wants. No consideration about me or what I want or need. It is frustrating and I know I have control of this. We are also have financial issues and he doesn’t understand. So this just adds to the stress that is already there on my end.

My daughter starts her counseling tonight and my husband said to me that he wanted to go and tell the counselor his thoughts about what is going on with my daughter. I said to him that he didn’t need to go that I could handle it but then I thought well if he doesn’t go then the other two girls will be at the house with him and he will definite be surfing porn because I am not there. So, he is going to go with me to her appointment which has upset my daughter because she doesn’t care for him. So, I don’t know what to do in regard to this. My husband belittles my daughter.

Do you think that I could be adding to the problem by having him come to the meeting? He has nothing good to say about my daughter at all.

Looking forward to hear from you!!!
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What is the ultimate reason you stay with this man? When you think of leaving, what makes you stop…and then leave that idea?
 
My dh had a little break from reality for a little bit and things got bad. I found what worked for us is that my Priest and the counselor that we went to already knew what they were getting into when we walked into the door. I told the counselor that I suspected delusions and NPD. She had us together for two meetings and then she split us and hammered him back into reality. Two months into the counseling he showed up at my job carrying flowers as he had come to this massive realization of what he had been like to live with. It may be hope that keeps you with him - and I am the last to fault you for that. But in the meantime you must protect yourself and your children. I had a temporary restraining order and I did not lift it until I felt safe. You need to do this for you and your children - it is not your own life you are gambling with but the psychological well being of your children and their children’s upbringing someday.
 
Why are you still under the same roof as this man? Why do you allow your precious children to still live in a pit of sinful immoral filth?
 
NEWSFLASH:

All of your children are in danger. Your daughters’ spirits are going ot be broken by this man. Your parents were right and you need to accept that, be humble and ask for thier help and God’s.

If you do not leave this man, you are CULPABLE in whatever damage in inflicts on the spirits of your children.

Plain and simple.
 
He has nothing good to say about my daughter at all.
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And you stay with him and inflict his brutality on her…why?

Why not just give all your children to your parents now and you continue living with this nasty vile man.

Maybe someday they’ll forgive you.

After years of therapy.
 
Hey Heather:

I just got back from morning Mass and said prayers for you and the kids. Stay on course. Talk with your Priest. Be strong (actually you are alot stronger then him—you just don’t realize that yet ;))

I have to wonder why he is adament about being there with the daughter when she talks with the counselor. What is he afraid of??? Of course she does not care for him. That is a good sign. She is able still to recognize what she Doesn’t want in a future husband if she decides to marry.

“Do you think that I could be adding to the problem by having him come to the meeting? He has nothing good to say about my daughter at all.”

How old are your children in the house? I ask only because I would be worried about leaving him alone with the kids. IMO he is not stable and has porn issues. He is not the normal husband/father, as a matter of fact, from what you have written here, he sounds down right dangerous. Belittling is a precursor to other abuses.

You have cracked the front door of your home open for the whole world to see how badly he treats his family. He is terrified of being exposed.

Run for counseling. Run to your Priest. Protect the kids and yourself. Be proactive and do not take a step backwards. A good clean, decent and content life is within reach for you and the kids.
 
*heather–I think I ‘‘might’’ know why you stay…because on some level, you feel if this man goes…you have somehow failed as a wife. You haven’t. You have been very kind and patient…but you are married to a dangerous guy. If you both were struggling with normal marital issues, I might offer different advice…but, he is a dangerous guy for you, and especially for your daughters. You haven’t failed…he just has problems you can’t fix.

I will pray for you and your family. May God grant you the wisdom and courage to do His will. *
 
heather0370 said:
PeterMuz

I do worry about what people think because I have left so many people down especially my kids and myself. That is just the way that I am. I like to please everyone and when I get into a situation like this it is very hard for me. I have thought exactly what you have said in your post to me. I just don’t understand how they can do that but being on here and talking with all of you I can understand they are just trying to protect the kids.
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Don’t worry about what people will think. They will respect you for taking the right steps to protect yourself and kids. I know you feel as if you have let them down, but people make mistakes. But now you have an amazing opportunity to do what is right for your children and yourself.
I do worry about the money because I have worked real hard for everything that I have and if I grow through with this, we will be losing a lot. I might not be able to give them what they want. The thing about this is the type of person my husband is he will take me to the cleaner. I have given him everything he wanted. He came before anyone else in the family. My children are very upset about this. They were always told no but my husband was always told yes. They didn’t and don’t understand. As for myself, I don’t do anything special for myself. I just make sure he has and then the kids. Now, I do make sure they get when the need and I have been telling my husband no sometimes. Which does not go over well.
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I know you worry, that is completely understandable. What your kids get upset about is that you are not standing up for them and for yourself to you husband. Kids always want things they cannot have. Do not worry about not being able to give them what they want. In the end, they will be so much better off, than if they stay in this situation and end up becoming like your husband. I know that may be hard to listen to, but its what happens. We become like those people we surround ourselves with.
I do understand that is not my job to fix him but someone told me once that God has put me in this situation for some reason. I haven’t figured out what that reason is. It has caused me a lot of hurt and pain.
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Maybe he put you in this situation so that you can learn to stand up for yourself and your kids. You asked “why do I continue to put up with this behavior”. Maybe God wants you to learn how to break out of that. If you were single with no kids, maybe God would put you in your husbands life to try to help him.
I do and have worried about my children and the influence he has on them. He has been our life for 13 years. As I see it right now, my kids are already suffering from his influence and have already picked up some of his traits to a certain degree. He continues to proclaim that he has and is not doing anything wrong. He is a typical man in his eyes.
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Even if he was a “typical man” and this was normal and good behavior (which it is not), you and your kids don’t want a typical man. You want/need a man who will stand up for what is best for you and your kids, a man who will shield his family from the vary things he is doing.
I have taken the steps to get my oldest counseling due to her depression. I am having my youngest evaluated and will set her up with a counselor as well. I myself have talked with someone and we are just waiting on the approval codes to proceed. Since I posted my initial post, I have been thinking a lot about what everyone is responding. I haven’t been sleeping very well the past couple of nights because I have all these things going through my head. I just need to keep talking about this with people. Some of the stuff everyone is saying has hit a couple nerves. I want to better my children and myself but right now I am not very strong due to everything.
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That is a good start. I applaud this, but I hope and pray that is not the extent of your actions. YOU and your kids deserve better. While things will be hard, and sometime very hard, you and your kids will be much better off in the long run.
I keep asking myself these questions: Why am I standing in the way when I know it is wrong? Why haven’t I left? Why do I continue to put up with his behaviors?
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I am so messed up!!!
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Please keep the advice coming!!!
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You are not messed up!! It’s hard to leave. I understand wanting to help people. And I know that for so many people, their desire to help people like your husband puts them back in situations like this over and over. But this is out of your control. Maybe the only thing that can change your husband is you leaving. Maybe that is how you can best help him. But before you even consider helping your husband, you need to protect the kids. What good is it to help your husband if while you are in the process your kids pick up all of his terrible behaviors. You are taking a step backwards. This of it like bring along your kids to help someone who has the flu. You may cure the one, but now you and your kids are all going to get it!
 
I do feel that I will fail as a wife again. This is not the first time. This would be the second time that this has happened. I am also feeling that I am failing as a mother as well but I know that I have control of that.

You are also right about my kids getting upset with me because I don’t stand up for yourself. They constantly tell me this and I actually just heard it the other day from my youngest. Since I have posted this thread, I have noticed even more that my children are picking up certain traits from him.

I am a strong person. I have battled cancer and I am in remission at the age of 39. It has been a long 13 years of dealing with this as well. I wanted to get better so that I could see my kids graduate and see my grandchildren. If I am strong enough to survive cancer then I would think that I am strong enough to make the right decisions for my children and finally stand up for me but for some reason I don’t think I am. Like I said before it is a combination of things fear, love, failing etc…

As I said yesterday, my husband wanted to go to my daughters counseling appointment. The counselor had taken him and myself in first. He naturally did most of the talking with me interjection at certain points. She left us go out and took my daughter in for the rest of the session. Midway through the session she brought me back in to discuss some things with her. My daughter requested that I come back in and not my husband. She did not want him in for this. This was the first session since Christmas. She has an appointment ever week the rest of this month.

As far as my youngest, I am still waiting on the approval from the insurance to get her into counseling. I had her to the family doctor and she is showing signs of depression. With her it is a little harder, she doesn’t swallow pills so I am not sure what they will do with her. Hopefully within the next week, I will have approval from the insurance for her to start counseling.

I know that I can’t change my husband. He has to be willing to change on his own. We have been through the counseling thing and that doesn’t work because he just reverts back to doing the things he says he is not doing. He tells the counselor what they want to here just to get through the session. He doesn’t make a commitment to change.

Someone this morning here at work just made a comment that all men look at porn and that is normal. I am not sure how it got brought up but I just kept to myself and didn’t say anything because there were guys and girls all around me who were discussing this and they all were agreeing with the person that said it who is female. This is when I second guess myself about what my husband is doing. The thought just start coming again. I know that it is not normal but it is really hard when you hear this kinda stuff.

I know that I keep moving forward and backwards. It is just so hard.

Thanks for listening!!!
 
failed as a wife? you’re married to a porn-addicted manipulative, mean unbalanced man. anyone would fail as his wife. anyone-- unless a crazy woman.

what you failed at was picking a healthy partner. there’s NOTHING you can do to un-do that choice, but ***you can make new choices. *** staying with him only increases the devastating effects of that failure-- exponentially-- as the days go on.
He has to be willing to change on his own.
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you can’t make him want thaT. no counselor can make him want that. no power on earth can make him want thAT. Only the Grace of God, accepted by his own free will.

Now, I trust the grace of God. that leaves your husband in charge of his own condition.

your husband is exactly who he wants to be.

can you explain this to your kids? you’re running out of time to do anything that restores peace to your daughters’ childhoods.

your husband is exactly who he wants to be.

oh. the women at your job are wrong. all men don’t look at porn.
 
Even IF all men looked at porn, that is not your husband’s only problem. He has so many others that compound the porn problem. If it was his only problem, and he didn’t look at it all the time with teenage girls in the room maybe you’d have reason for hope. But he is a mean, semi-violent man who will talk for you during a counseling session (probably telling counselor what you REALLY mean) and denigrates the children.

Your daughters are begging you to get away from him. Better do it quickly, or as soon as they’re 18, they’re out of there and you’ll be lucky to ever see them again.

Then all you’ll have is HIM.
 
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