Looking for some advice!!!

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GET OUT NOW!!!

Most decent men would want to teach this guy a lesson. He’s a sicko, plain and simple.
 
There really is no advice that I can add, except to reiterate GET OUT!!!

My father used to do these things to my mother, then it progressed to my sister and me (male, btw). You REALLY dont want that… Get the heck out. Find someone, anyone, who will take you in… This makes me wish I lived in PA, cause you could come stay with me! Seriously, get out.

Lots of men DO have problems with pornography, myself being one, but when they dont believe that there is something WRONG with that and try to end it and they stubbornly persist in it you cannot allow your children to be around it.

You seem like a wonderful woman who just needs to hit a breaking point where you finally get fed up. I just pray that you hit that point VERY soon.

Make sure you get to your priest and ask him if there is anyone in the parish who could help… If you dont want to go with your parents, then find somewhere!!! Please… do it for your children. Dont let them end up going through what I had to live through… Nothing is worth that, not any amount of money or stuff… Please… get out…

FSC
 
I recommend that you start setting some deadlines for yourself, because there are certain steps and certain actions that you need to be doing now. It’s pretty normal to feel like a deer in the head lights, but you’ve become aware of how seriously wrong this situation is. Now you have got to start taking concrete steps to get yourself and your children out of this situation.
 
I would have vomited all over him during sex.

Bet he never would have tried that again.

Get out. Someone can only treat you like this with your permission. Every night you say yes.

Try saying no.

Keep saying no.

The “real him” will show itself.

When you stay, it makes me think you like this and enjoy being a victim. Why do you keep giving him permission to violate your body and your spirit.
 
IS THIS NORMAL TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF WHILE ENGAGING IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY???
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no. but neither is a married couple referring to their sex life as ‘sexual activity.’

but heather, none of this is normal. none of this is even alternatives to normal-- like abnormal but it works for you.

your situation isn’t normal. it isn’t healthy. it isn’t acceptable. it isn’t even safe.

but your daughters already know that. do what’s best for them. it will turn out to be what’s best for you, too. they’re telling you what’s best.

do it.

you need your parernts NOW.
 
I am guessing he uses a vulgar, crude or obscene term and she is trying to use a generic euphemism.
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maybe i just blocked out this possibility to keep my imagination unscathed… but nothing with this guy is euphamistic, is it?.

heather, there’s ***nothing about this situation that’s better ***than being alone, worried about money, feeling devastated, needing your parents or all of that combined.

so long as you’d stay single for a loooong time, the devil you don’t know (financial insecurity, starting over, finding a new home, contacting your parents etc) will not be as bad as the devil you know (him and everything that has to do with your life with him).
 
“I would have vomited all over him during sex.”

Yes, this is definately the way to cure this animal. :cool:
 
Oh, your posts have made me cry. I used to be married to a narcissist and sex addict too, and didn’t understand it at the time. I thought I was the one to blame, just like you, that I wasn’t a good enough wife, not loving enough, etc. Narcissists are very good at making you feel you are the one failing, not them. He is a very smooth operator; if you met him, you would never think he was anything other than a great guy.

Like you, I was afraid to leave. But after a LOT of prayer and going back to church, God gave me the strength to no longer put up with that kind of abuse. I thought that I was breaking my vows by even considering leaving the marriage, to even consider issuing an ultimatum to my spouse. BUT I did NOT want my kids growing up in that kind of household, thinking that was what marriages were like. I could not see that my ex was not honoring his vows.

As it turns out, after a long-drawn out annulment process, there was no real marriage, because my ex was incapable to being a real husband. A psychiatrist evaluated our annulment submissions and interviews (sometimes pyschiatrists are brought in for advice during the annulment process), and assessed him as a narcissist. I never would have pegged him as such, because he seemed like such a normal guy most of the time.

For the sake of your kids, you need to get out. Your daughters are not happy, you are not happy. You never see your son. That is NOT right. Hugs and prayers for you! You can do this, with God’s help.
 
I want everyone to know that I do appreciate your advice. I haven’t been able to get to see my priest due to our appointment being canceled due to 3’ of snow and I am still waiting on approval from my insurance company so I can see a counselor. So, I hope you all don’t mind me posting things on here that are bothering me and I know that are not right. I guess it assures me that I know that I am right in feeling the way I do.

I do believe that my son would come around more if my husband were not around. It might be too late as well for my relationship with him. I might have destroyed my relationship with him because of choices that I have made. All he keeps saying is do something for yourself and your daughters. My greatest fear would be that I couldn’t give my daughters what they truly need due to the limitations we would need to have. I am not sure what keeps me with him. I am trying to figure that out.

I have talked with my boss about the situation. There are things that I can do to prevent certain things from happening. He could even loose his job if he would cross the line. They know that I am trying to get out and understand fully what is going on with me.

I wish there was someone who would put my husband in his place. He says he is right so there will be no way that he will ever change. Counseling wouldn’t help either because we have done that and nothing has changed and he just tells the counselor what he wants to hear which does not help my husband or myself at this point.

I would have thought that I would be at my breaking point by now with everything that he has put us through. There is something that is holding me and I am trying to figure it out. I do have an appointment with my priest that I got rescheduled for next week due to him canceling due to the weather.

Setting deadlines is a good thing. I have set some deadlines but they have past already. I am trying to get certain things in order before actually setting a deadline. I will be setting one here shortly because I do want to get my kids out of this situation.

It was really hard to not get sick on him. You know I said to him yesterday that I should have gotten sick on him and he said you should have. It would have gotten cleaned up. He thought it was funny and said what about tonight. I said that I was still not feeling well. I did say NO to him and he got so mad. I said to him I can’t believe you are acting like this. I said I don’t feel good and would like to go to bed. So, he tossed and turned all night, which he did it on purpose, I am sure.

I do not like being treated this way. I don’t like confrontation with him that is why he typically gets what he wants which is my fault. He calls our sexually activity worse things. So this is putting it politely. I do understand what you are saying. I do feel that I will better off being alone. I do not want another relationship at all. I just want to be alone.

When I met my husband, he seemed like a normal guy. No issues. I enjoyed my time with him. It wasn’t until we married that I truly got the picture of who he actually was. He definitely has not kept his part of his vows. I know that there are issues that I have to work on but the majority of our issues are the way he is. He was not brought up the same way as I. We believe in doing things very differently.

I want to thank you for your concern and advice. With everyone’s advice, it is making me stronger and letting me know that there is nothing wrong with me to a certain degree.

Thank you!!
 
I am not sure what keeps me with him. I am trying to figure that out.
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heather, in AA, we call this “trying to think your way out of a paper bag.” that means, trying to figure out why we drink, why we hang on to dangerous guys, why we repeat destructive behaviors, why we etc etc etc instead of simply not drinking, getting away from dangerous guy, curbing self destructive behaviors etc. thinking instead of doing is not a useful activity.

it produces few fruits.

another way we call it is “analysis paralysis” meaning we think we can’t change until we understand why we do the stuff we do. so we spend lots of time trying to figure ourselves out and ultimately change nothing.

if people wanted to change in pre-psychology days, people simply changed bad or destructive behaviors.

we learn this in AA-- change the behavior and ***then ***worry about healing the skewed motivations behind the behavior.

i believe that’s a grace from God, too. that we trust in His power, without any road map or any prophetic view of the outcome. but, trusting and hoping in HIM, we finally turn around and do what’s right anyway. HE blesses our trust and hope in HIM. HE brings about outcomes we could NEVER have imagined. but we gotta trust HIM and STEP OUT IN TRUST.

nobody can make you any promises, here heather. but HE can. you are HIS child. ***you have not exempted yourself from HIS mercy, love, grace and power. *** you still belong to HIM.
 
I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past. It lasted almost ten years, and by the end of it I was convinced that I didn’t deserve any better, because I put up with it. I was scared to do it on my own, I was afraid nobody would ever love me again (as if he did!), and as strange as it sounds, even the most bizarre and horrible circumstances become normal if you are in them long enough. I don’t know what eventually gave me the strength to break away, but I like to think it was God telling me “Enough. You can not save this man. He doesn’t want to be saved, and it is killing you in the process.”
I think that is exactly what all these people on this thread are trying to tell you.
I didn’t have children, which made it both easier and harder. Easier because I didn’t have anyone to worry about besides myself. Harder because children are a powerful motivator to change your life for the better, in order to keep them safe and give them a fighting chance at becoming happy, healthy, grounded, self-confident individuals.
Get out. Stop rationalizing, stop making excuses for him, stop trying to find reasons to stay inert and let this man kill your spirit. Get out, take all the children, and go.
You and your children will be in my prayers.
 
*I see…I think monica’s advice about fearing the unknown …is spot on. I was once in an abusive relationship before meeting my husband. I didn’t have the same issues as you of course, but he was simliar in the degradation and slow manipulation of me, to the point where I didn’t know what normal was either. I think you know what to do…just have to ask God to give you the courage to do it.

Praying… :gopray:*
 
I like that term, “analysis paralysis” because that is exactly what goes on. I spent years and years in that mode, rationalizing all of the abuse and my ex’s drinking. Finally, in confession, when it had been a confession that I had particularly prayed about ahead of time and had told Mary that I would do whatever my priest told me to do, he told me to leave my marriage which I never saw coming. Not only that, he set a 6 month deadline for me to get out and told me to get my parents involved. Yikes.

I never ever would have had what it took to leave. I kept looking for reasons to forgive him, understand him, and accept the situation. But, I promised to do whatever my priest told me to do in confession. So, I HAD to leave.

Once I knew I had to leave, I became emotionally detached from my now ex. He couldn’t manipulate me like he once could, couldn’t fully control me, even though he basically still get the things that he wanted because I was afraid of him. Still, he knew that he didn’t “have” me anymore, which meant he struggled harder and harder to control me and squash me. I didn’t make it to the six months.

Although there was a lot of paralysis going on there leading up to leaving. My parents couldn’t understand how I could be so passive with what he was doing to me. I felt completely buried, hopeless, and helpless. So, I know what you are feeling.

What I want you to know though is to be careful. Sometimes there is a temptation to put up with all of that when you have a place to vent and get sympathy. You get a fix from the sympathy and it prevents you from taking the steps that you need to in order to get out of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, you do deserve sympathy. Just try to take that with a grain of salt and really focus your efforts on doing the hard stuff that you need to do. Trust me, it will work out. You can do this. God will work miracles. He did for me and it was amazing, the solutions that came my way right when I needed them.

So praying for you, that you stay strong and stay focussed on what you need to DO.
 
I am not sure what keeps me with him. I am trying to figure that out.
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Read up on “Stockholm Syndrome”

There is nothing staying with this man benefits your children monetarily that isn’t cancelled out five-fold by the damage that’s being done.

If you want them to live lives with an abuser and be too afraid to leave because they might not be able to buy as much “stuff” you’re showing them how.

Get out! AND TALK TO YOUR PARENTS. You can handle them. They love you and love your kids. Whatever “issues” you have with them are secondary. It’s like you’re in a house burning down and you’re refusing to go next door and take safety with your family because their sofa is uncomfortable.
 
I did look up analysis paralysis. Well, I guess you can say I do suffer from this. I know that I am the only one who can make the change in this situation. I know that I should trust God. It is just so hard to make such a big change like this.

I love my children very much and I want to do what is best for them. They are good kids and they deserve a better life than what they are in right now. It is not fair to them and I know that.

Do I just leave and don’t come back or do I tell him to get his stuff and leave? How do I make this happen???

I don’t want sympathy from anyone. I turned to this forum to get help with some issues that I was experiencing and looking for advice to make sure that I wasn’t wrong in my thinking. I put myself in this situation and I made the choices that I made. Yes, I can explain to all of you about situations that are going on but I am looking for advice on these situations not sympathy.

I do know what I need to do and I will get there. I will continue to pray that I become strong enough to leave. I did read up on Stockholm Syndrome. Everything everyone is saying is making so much sense. I am considering on talking with my parents. I am going to talk to my priest next week about it and then go from there.

Thank you for your advice and prayers!!!
 
Call your DV center. They probably can help you with a kick out order of some type or at least help you come up with a plan. Talking to your parents would be a good idea too. You don’t need to perfect or have a perfect relationship to do that.

Also, just want to be sure you knew that I wasn’t saying that you are just trying to get sympathy. I was just cautioning you, because I know from my own situation, that when you start opening up, the sympathy and understanding feel so great. We almost can’t wait to start telling our sympathizers everything that he is doing, and sometimes it seems like it is enough to just talk about it, get the sympathy and understanding, and then do nothing. I went through that for a couple of months myself.

You really are making progress in seeing this for what it is. So, I don’t want to undermine that. Sorry if I am.
 
Usually the when a restraining order is given the judge makes a determination of who gets to stay in the house. In any potential abuse or abuse situations they are good to have anyway. If you need shelter then the local DV group can help you with that. You would be suprised how many resources are out there. Of course if this guy rings true to what most of them do - you will probably end up getting a restraining order, he will probably violate and he will end up in jail and then you will not have that issue.
 
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