Looking for some advice!!!

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I have not taken anything that you have given advice personally. I appreciate all of the advice that everyone is given me. I am getting stronger each day with the help of all of you.

I will call the DV after I have my meeting with my priest this week. I would like to see what he has to say about my situation. I do find especially on the weekends I found myself reverting back to thinking that I am wrong and he is right.

Just like this weekend, he was in such a bad mood all weekend. He said it was because he is sexually deprived. He didn’t get sex for two nights because I wasn’t feeling good and I told him no. Well, Saturday he would make his comments about it and remind me and aske me not to fall asleep on the couch. He started a fight with me. Typically we do not go to bed until 10:30 PM so my daughter asked if she could go with her boyfriend and be home by 10:30. I said yes. Well he was tired and wanted to go to bed at 10:00 pm. So, he called my daughter every name in the book and expected me to not be mad at him. Well, it turned out that she came home and he got his sex that he long for all day.

Today was not much better. He said that I treat him like a 5 year old. I only do what he asks me to do. He got into a fight with my daughter and then he turned to me and started fighting with me. What a wonderfully way to spend Valentines day? Basically everything was my fault again and I do nothing right. He says we fight every sunday. I don’t see it but I guess I am not right.

He has made me feel really bad again. He tells me to do one thing and then that is wrong and when I change to do it the other way I am wrong there too. I can’t win. I don’t know what is so wrong with me. I am second guessing myself again!!!

I hope all of you had a better Valentine’s Day then I did.
 
What do you think would happen if you said no to him, that you don’t feel inclined to sleep with someone that treats you like garbage?
 
dulcissima said:
What do you think would happen if you said no to him, that you don’t feel inclined to sleep with someone that treats you like garbage?
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A man’s perspective…
This man is indeed treating you like garbage. In the name of God it has to stop. You need to get out to regain your emotional and psychological composure. Your daughter is caught up in this and it is bad for her as well. Your husband needs to learn that he cannot go on treating you or anybody else like this. He is exercising power over you and his swings against reason are just exercises in exerting even more power over you. Being “sexually deprived” does not cause a man to be in a bad mood. He is a very unwell human being. you are not wrong, he is. I can tell you this, if you were a sister of mine I’d drag you out of there quicker than you could blink.
 
Typical abuse tactic:

When I hear someone say “No matter what I do, I"m wrong,” it’s an indication of abuse…

They do that to keep you off balance. You never know what is going to set them off. It is a way to keep you compliant. Your mental well being is dependent on THEIR mood, not your own. And when he doesn’t get his way, he torments and verbally abuses your child until you give in? What a sick bastard.

He pulls her into the triangle.

No wonder they hate him. Did you sit there and let him call her names in front of her and not defend her?

GET OUT. WHY ARE YOU WAITING FOR A PRIEST TO TELL YOU?

Are you aware there are many men who can go days, weeks, months without having sex and they don’t abuse the people around them?

You second guess yourself because he’s made you unable to trust your own instincts any more. You’ve been telling yourself up is down and down is up in order to be able to endure life with this sick maniac that you don’t trust yourself any longer.

GET OUT NOW!!!

GET OUT NOW!!!

GET OUT NOW!!!
 
DULCISSIMA – Well, I did say no to him two nights because I wasn’t feeling good. Remember I posted that I was really sick on Wednesday and he wanted to have sex and I asked if we could wait and he said no. So, we did and then shortly after we finished I was throwing up and he was sleeping. I then said no Thursday and then Friday he was in such a fowl mood and his excuse was that he was horny and that he needed sex. Well he ended up falling asleep Friday and he didn’t get it then either. Saturday he shoveled our pool off and I worked on the inside getting the stuff done on the inside. We went to the store and my daughter’s basketball game.

Then the fight started due to him being tired from shoveling all week and him not getting his sex on a regular basis. I said to him what I sat on my butt all day while you were out side. I said I cleaned the entire house and we do not have a small house plus I worked on laundry, paid the bills and cleaned up the mess that the kids had in the kitchen. I said I am tired too but we never go to bed before 10:30 pm on Saturdays. He threw such a big fit about her coming home at 10:30 pm. He tried earlier in the day to get me to have sex with him but I wouldn’t because for one the kids were up and hanging around. I said bedtime. He then made a comment about that. He said I don’t know why we have to always wait till bedtime to do anything. That is the way that I was brought up. Your time is after everyone is in bed. It might not be right but that is how I feel. He thinks differently. He feels he should be able to do it whenever he wants it.

According to my husband and my mother-in-law, there is something wrong with me. She called to talk to him not me. He said before I even answered the phone that he was in bed. I said ok. Well, it was his mother and she asked what I was doing and I said I was eating a bowl of ice cream. She asked for my husband and I told her he was in bed. She said tell him that they really liked the toy box and I said ok. I will let him know. I hung up the phone. He then questioned me on what she wanted. I said she wanted to tell you that they liked the toy box and she wanted to talk to you not me. I said I told her what you told me to tell her. He said maybe I better call her back. Well he did. When they were done talking, he came out and said why do you always look like that. I said like what. He said pissed off to the world. I said I am fine. I am watching TV. He went upstairs and then came back. He said his mom asked what was wrong with me. He said that we had a bad day and she was probably mad at me. I said there is nothing wrong. She didn’t want to talk to me she wanted to talk to you. So, they are now double teaming me. He told me I treat him like a 5 year old and all I do is try to talk to him. So, I stopped talking and only responded when he asked a question. I didn’t do anything wrong when I talked to his mom. I can’t win. ACCORDING TO HIM I TREAT HIM LIKE GARBAGE!!! There was no sex last night due to the fighting that went on yesterday. Thank you for the advice.

JOHN21652 – As I wrote above, he says that I treat him like garbage. I do everything under the sun for him. He says I treat him like a 5 year old. I guess when you look at it I do because I get his medicine out and personally make sure he takes it (this was his request). He tells me if I don’t give him the pills he won’t take them. He says it is the way that I talk to him as well. I try to talk to him and he gets pissed off and says I talk to him like he is 5 years old. I am definitely on an emotional roller coaster today. I only do what he tells me to and when I stand up for something that I believe in we fight. Being sexually deprived does cause my husband to be in a bad mood. Like I said if he doesn’t have his sexually activity when he wants it he gets very grumpy. He has always been like this. You know I am medicine to help level out my emotions. I thought maybe it was I but even being on the medicine I still feel the same way. We had a very bad weekend and now I am suffering again. Thanks for the advice.

LIBERANOSAMALO – That is how I am feeling today. I can’t do anything right. I literally said this to him last night. No matter what I do, I am wrong and he didn’t say anything. I try to watch what I say to him only because when he gets pissed he starts throwing things and saying all kinds of things. He missed me yesterday. He was getting the mixer out of the box and flung the box toward the sink where I was standing. I didn’t realize he was throwing that at me until I stepped away to get something. If I had not moved, he would have hit me.

I do step in and tell him not to call her names. I do defend her and that is when I get myself in trouble. I would never call his daughter names like he calls mine. He even calls his own daughter names and I correct him on that as well. I am not waiting on my priest. I would like to know what he has to say. No I am not aware that there are men out there that go days, weeks, and months without having sex. According to my husband and other men, men have sex everyday. They look at porn and they masturbate. This is normal for a man to do this according to him. I am in a rut again and feel like **** again.

What is love and how do you know when you find it? I thought I was in love but I don’t know anymore what the difference is. Thank you for caring and taking the time to respond to my posts. I do appreciate it very much.

:confused:😦
 
Heather:

TIME-OUT!!! You are beginning to whine again and the only thing worse than a man that whines is a woman that whines. GET A BACKBONE WILL YA.

You are digressing and reverting back to trying to have a conversation with this animal and worrying about what the animals Mother thinks. Why do you even care. They don’t care about you or the kids. I thought you were detatching yourself from that animal.

QUIT LAYING DOWN AND SUBMITTING TO THIS ANIMAL.
STOP WHINING
START PLANNING YOUR FUTURE AWAY FROM HIM.
SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT BADLY.

AND THE VERY NEXT TIME HE HURLS SOMETHING AT YOU CALL 911 AND HAVE HIS HAPPY TOOSH THROWN IN JAIL AND THEN PRESS CHARGES, take him to court AND HAVE HIM CONVICTED.

It’s really not all that hard my dear.

NO More Whining. DO NOT take a step back again. You must keep going forward.
 
Heather, of course he is going to think there is something wrong with you. You are on to him and not buying his nonsense anymore. You need to decide that your days of walking on egg shells and worrying about whether he is upset with you - or his mother is upset with you - are over. Done. It doesn’t need to be a concern of yours anymore. This will free up so much energy for you, you have no idea.

Let him be pissed. Let him whine. If he does anything physical or makes any threats, call the police. Seriously.
 
Get away. Take your kids and leave the big house and the pool, go to your mom’s house.
 
And you’re staying there till he strikes you?

Stop worrying about what love is and what love feels like. That’s not your problem right now. Until you find out who YOU are alone and separate from his bullying you don’t even need to ask yourself that. YOU need to get your kids out of there so they don’t grow up thinking THAT is what love is and THAT is how love feels.

I lived it. He told me to be quiet and leave him alone. So I avoided him. Then he accused me of giving him the silent treatment. So I tried to talk to him. He told me to be quiet and leave him alone…

Notice how your whole weekend was about how HE felt and what kind of mood HE was in. When you’re alone, you’ll actually have a chance to experience your OWN moods.

GET OUT!!!

How many times do you have to be told? This is going downhill fast. He is NOT normal.

(And by the way, I bet part of him wants to have sex with you so your daughters have to hear it, because that’s how pervs are. Why you even want this man in the same neighborhood as your kids is beyond me.)
 
WHY ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT ROMANCE NOW???

If my father was abusive and he put my mother and my siblings through that (I’m in college, like your son), I’d never go home again. I wouldn’t even speak to my family. I’d spend Christmas with either my extended family (if we were on good terms) or with my friends, if they were able to. I wouldn’t even take their money for college, I’d get more loans. Otherwise, it would tear me apart inside.

This dude is a sicko. Get out.

This is your last chance to give your daughters a semblance of normalcy. Get out.

This is your chance to learn to love yourself and figure out who you are apart from this vile excuse of a human being. Get out.

Call someone. Please. Get your girls out of it. Do you want them to bring home men like your husband?

Get out.
 
You know yesterdays post was due to a very bad weekend with my husband and I was on an emotional roller coaster. I am sorry if I came across as a whining woman. That was not my intent. I was trying to express what happened to me and how I was feeling and see if it was humanly possible that I could be doing something very wrong with the exception of staying in an abusive relationship. I care a lot about things that is just the way that I am. I do care about what people think of me. I don’t like it when anyone is upset with me or talk about me negatively. It goes back to me letting people down and failing. This is a lot harder than what everyone thinks. I know that I will get there and my daughters and I will be okay.

No, I am not staying in this relationship until he strikes me. I do want to know what love is because how do I know if the love that I feel for my children is correct or not correct. I know that I love my children and I want the best for them but I have to question whether or not I love them the way I should since I put them into this situation. That is why I was asking about love. It had nothing to do with a new romance it was about my children and the love that I have for them. I understand what you are saying as far as me separating myself from him to find out who I am and to allow my kids to know what truly love is.

I know everyone has been telling me to get out and that this relationship is going nowhere. Everyone has been telling me to get my daughters out. I do not want my daughters or my son to be in a relationship like I am. As far as my son, he doesn’t come around and he only texts when he needs something from me. That really hurts but I guess this is partially my fault that he had moved out.

As far as how things are, I am still pretty emotional and he thinks everything is fine. It was like nothing even happened. That is how it typically is. I am upset for days and he goes back to normal. Everything is forgotten. I don’t like when he tells me that I am doing something wrong when I am not. I am not the one who is doing wrong in this relationship. He doesn’t see it that way. Well enough about this.

Thank you for your advice and I am sorry if I offended anyone. That was not my intent. I was just expressing my feelings. This gets me in trouble all the time.

Have a great day!!
 
heather0370 said:
According to my husband and other men, men have sex everyday. They look at porn and they masturbate. This is normal for a man to do this according to him. I am in a rut again and feel like **** again.
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Nonsense. Utter rubbish. Real men don’t behave like this, let me assure you. Your husband is just plain weird. Out of control weird. Unrestrained weird. Power hungry weird. Sexually weird.
What “other men” say this to you? Your husband’s friends maybe? You don’t need men like this in your life.
What is love and how do you know when you find it? I thought I was in love but I don’t know anymore what the difference is. Thank you for caring and taking the time to respond to my posts. I do appreciate it very much.
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:confused:😦
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Someone who loves you will respect and cherish you and will bend over backwards to do things for you. Someone who loves you would get his own bloody pills for one thing. Sexually, he wont pester you for “sexual activity”, but will genuinely desire to make love to you. Sex wont just be some ‘activity’ he carries out, but will be an extension of how he feels about you and it will include a lot of loving respect. Love should drive selfishness out the door and usher in seflessness.

You are not going to find it where you are now.
 
You ask what other men:

Some of his friends
Most of the guys he works with (this is where he gets some of his stuff from)
Step father
Father and
Even the counselor that we were seeing for marriage counseling

I don’t associate with his friends and most of the guys he works with. His step father we see on a regular basis and he is constantly saying sexually stuff about me, my daughters and other girls in front of us and even my husband’s mother. He doesn’t see his father. The counselor released us from his care because he said all issues were cleared. They were not cleared with me and my husband would deny this behavior even with proof.
 
Heather–have you set a deadline in your mind, yet? If not, you really need to. He won’t change. I feel for him in the sense that he is deeply troubled and mentally ill…but you need to really get out of that toxic environment. Doesn’t matter at this point anymore the ‘‘whys’’ to his behavior…or ‘‘who’’ he inherited this behavior from. You need to do what’s best for your children and you, at this stage. I will keep praying that you don’t continue to take this man’s abuse. :gopray:
 
see if it was humanly possible that I could be doing something very wrong with the exception of staying in an abusive relationship.
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heather, my hand is caught in a meat grinder. with the exception of that, i wonder why i can’t move it?

my point: “staying in an abusive relationship” is not an exception. ***everything ***that flows from the abusive relationship is infected, affected, wrecked.
 
Real love is when you value the other person’s needs over your own… that taking care of someone equals taking care of yourself. A good husband would put your needs to be happy, loved and comfortable over his need for sex. A good parent puts their children’s need not to be accosted by dirty old men and dirty young men and endure sexual comments ahead of a desire to afford luxuries.
As far as how things are, I am still pretty emotional and he thinks everything is fine. It was like nothing even happened. That is how it typically is. I am upset for days and he goes back to normal. Everything is forgotten
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Typical abuse tactic. They take an emotional dump on you and they feel so much better. THEY forget all about it. YOU remember. You’re still shaking a day later and they’re feeling all good since they unloaded their stress, anger, abuse and emotion on you and wonder what YOUR problem is, since you can’t seem to forgive and forget. YOU become the bad guy. You begin to question (was it that bad???) because you seem to be the only one who hasn’t “moved on.” Typical.

But if YOU unloaded on them, the grudge would go on for weeks. How dare you?

We’re not condemning you for expressing emotions. God knows you get enough of that grief with your abuser. We’re frustrated that the things you seem to be concerned about are like saying “I don’t like the color paint in this room” while the room is on fire.

GET OUT!
 
Have you ever talked to an authentic Christian Catholic man? They do not look at porn, they do not masturbate, they do not abuse women. There are scores of these men all over the world.

But you know what? Even if 99% of the men in the world sin, it is still wrong.
 
Heather-
GET OUT NOW!!!

I went through the same experience. Married, divorced, annulled, remarried same situation all over again. No I never actually got hit. In a way that’s harder, because you don’t have any physical evidence. And you are being mentally abused.

I was a SAHM, so that made it even harder for me to leave, worry about getting a job. I lived in another state from my family, so I couldn’t even take the kids out of state without his permission. I didn’t want to put my kids in daycare, so I waited until the youngest was in kindergarten.

I asked myself what would I do if my son turned out like his father, or what if my daughter married a man that treated her like her father treated me. That answered my question. I gave up a beautiful house, mini-van, wonderful neighborhood, and most of all, being a SAHM. I gave up rights to a pension in order for him to agree to let me take my kids back home to St. Louis. I moved into my sister’s attic for 1 1/2 years until I could get a good job and move out on my own.

Today, my kids are 19 and 22. And they are the best kids ever. Their dad has remarried, divorced, and remarried again. This last wife is on her fourth marriage.

This man is incapable of love. It’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPD for short.

This man use “love” and “helplessness” to manipulate you.

It wasn’t easy. I actually was homesick to go back to him!

You are actually lucky you already have a job.

It’s worth losing all your material things to get your peace of mind back. I did, and it was worth it. Money and material things do not make you happy.

GET OUT NOW!!! before you warp your kids any further.
 
kage_ar said:
Have you ever talked to an authentic Christian Catholic man? They do not look at porn, they do not masturbate, they do not abuse women. There are scores of these men all over the world.

But you know what? Even if 99% of the men in the world sin, it is still wrong.
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TRUE!!!

Having said that, you don’t need a man to be happy.
 
The only reason that you’ve been able to hold on this long are those little breaks where the abuse lightens up and he is nice to you. People who hold people hostage use the same technique. My priest told me “You are not his wife. You are his hostage.” It helped to think of it like that.

I know right now, when you are in the thick of it, it is so hard to see things as they truly are and to see a clear path out. This is why you are going to need to talk to a counselor, your priest, a domestic violence center, a lawyer, and your family to get you out of this. You also need to spend as little time as possible talking to your husband, because he will do everything possible to throw a wrench in your ability to think clearly.

I understand that you are not ready to leave right this very minute. You do need to set a realistic deadline to physically leave and then you need to mentally leave, right now. You can not afford to keep letting him mentally and emotionally undermine your health, safety, and ability to be a good mother.

Change is always hard, but change is necessary. You can’t just stay drowning there forever and you can’t leave your kids stranded in all of this chaos and evil. The resources to get yourself out of this situation are out there, you just need to decide that you are going to use them.
 
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