Losing My Temper With Husband

[Allegra]

He’s not an idiot, but I think he’s become used to me being the “management” in regard to running the household and when he gets discontent with “adulting”, he somehow gets it into his head that it’s the “boss’” fault. Maybe he thinks I should hire a dayshift worker? I just wish I know how to wake him up and remind him that this is his family and his house and his own children and he needs to be personally invested in it instead of acting like a lazy middle schooler who is mad at being disrupted from his video game. Calling him “dead weight” is the sort of language I wish to avoid but it almost seems like he doesn’t think I’m serious unless I’m hollering at him.

 

[DarkLight]

Maybe I’m a bit single to be giving advice, but - just a thought:

It sounds like part of the problem is that somehow, screaming and profanity have become the only signal you have for “this is actually serious.” Is there any way to take a firm or even harsh tone with him without yelling or feeling like you’re out of control? I don’t necessarily see telling him something like “I’m not your mother and you need to stop acting like a child” as out of line. Because it really sounds like he’s treating you like his mother.

You might appreciate this comic (or show it to him, if he’d get it):

You should’ve asked | Emma

 

[Mrchatsworth]

So one thing I noticed about this thread is that after some initial blowing off steam (understandable). The OP wanted advice on 2 things, how to motivate her husband to help more, and how to stop yelling at him and treating him poorly. Post number 1, not bad. But then the thread keeps on elaborating ng on this man. No one looks favorable here. My impression of him is horrible. It’s sad. Is this a marked change in his behavior or yours Op?

 

[Psalm30]

Or if I ask him to supervise dressing the kids, he’ll put my daughter in the first garments that he pulls out of the drawer, even if they don’t match, half her stomach is showing, and they’re completely inappropriate for the weather.

I would probably give him a pass on this one in that…sorry, I’m sure to offend someone by saying this…but this is a classic dad fail. Some dads handle it perfectly fine, but it’s not uncommon that some don’t. Just make this your job. It will be easier and more stress-free for everyone involved.

Meanwhile, he left a soda can on the edge of the bed for me to pickup and throw out for him.

???

On purpose, with the intention of making you do it rather than just throwing it away himself? That’s just passive aggressive and childish. He’s trying to convey something but is communicating it in an unhealthy way. Maybe it’s the only way he knows how to communicate?

I mean, sometimes it’s been something fairly serious, like leaving weed killer out when we have a toddler that could get into it and leaving behind similar wakes of potential disaster.

I usually don’t like to suggest professional counseling because I’ve had three different therapists for my mental health issues and I have yet to find one who hasn’t come close to not only not helping but also making the problem worse. I also realize that if you had access to a counselor you probably wouldn’t be here asking for help. However, if your husband is okay with doing things that can seriously harm your children, I think this is beyond the scope of an anonymous Internet forum.

 

[Psalm30]

So one thing I noticed about this thread is that after some initial blowing off steam (understandable). The OP wanted advice on 2 things, how to motivate her husband to help more, and how to stop yelling at him and treating him poorly. Post number 1, not bad. But then the thread keeps on elaborating ng on this man. No one looks favorable here. My impression of him is horrible. It’s sad. Is this a marked change in his behavior or yours Op?

I’m going to come to her defense because

1. Everything she said about him was necessary to convey exactly what the problem is.
2. She’s admitted she’s wrong to be yelling at him and using bad language.
3. She said he’s not an idiot in response to a poster replying “it’s hard to tell if he’s an idiot or just a child.”

I don’t get the impression that she came here to sling mud at her husband. She has a problem and wants advice.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

As someone who had a beloved but messy husband, you may just need to accept at some point that he is not good at helping with chores.

Some people were not raised or trained by their parent (or by someone else like the Army) to be useful in this way, and they literally don’t understand what they need to do or why what they did wasn’t acceptable. And some people just don’t have chore skills.

If there’s stuff he does well, or reasonably okay, assign him to those tasks if at all possible. And praise him a lot when he does a good job.

Also, I took a seminar at work that explained that the male brain is not evolved to multiplex tasks, whereas the female brain is. It really helped me to better understand my husband and how he seemed to get overwhelmed by juggling stuff when I could do it easily. Therefore it was better for him to just do one task at a time. Something like “Supervise the kids in cleaning their rooms” might be too many moving parts.

Finally, it is often necessary to lower one’s standards for chores a bit if the idea is to get someone to help. He may never get an “A” on chores, but if he can do them well enough to get a “B”, maybe that’s good enough for the sake of peace in the household.

 

[dollysro]

Allegra, I will give you loads of credit for saying “losing my temper with my husband” rather than “my husband is a doo doo head.”
It’s hard, it really is. So much to do and different perspectives, histories, habits and baggage.
We have something in our house “what is the root cause?” When one of us seems especially snippy at seemingly minor (there’s that perspective thing), the one with the even slightly cooler head will ask “What is it you are angry/upset/sad/insert emotion here about?” It helps to stop when you are angry (or whatever) and THINK. And speak to the nature of the irritation.
Also, and may not be popular, but cut him some slack. Not ALL the slack, but what you can. Praise him for any chore he does well. Tell him what you appreciate. And try not to tell him what he does is wrong. Eventually, a person criticized over and over will give up.
How old are the kids? Start giving them age appropriate responsibilities. Have them lay out their clothes the night before for example.
And use phrases that include, “when ____ , I feel _____.” “When one flowerbed gets neglected, I feel you might not respect my time.” “When a soda can gets left for me to pick up, I feel you see me as the char woman of the house.” “I feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities of the home and family. Can you help me thing of ways to combat this feeling? Can you help me by xxx (things he is good at or you know he can do).”

 

[Peeps]

It’s hard to give advice because I don’t know if he’s a child or just an idiot. A different approach is needed for each of those. But if what you’ve been doing isn’t working then try something else.

You could sit him down and tell him that he’s dead weight, and you’re sick of carrying him. Or, the idea of hiring a helper is a good one. Tell your husband that you’ll have to hire a real man to get some stuff done around the house. Or marriage counseling is another option. Your husband sounds like the type that would dislike marriage counseling so much that he would do anything to avoid having to go back, including cleaning up after himself.

I think this is kind of harsh.

Everyone is a product of their upbringing. Everyone brings baggage from childhood to their adulthood.

Allegra has described her husband’s childhood, and it sounds to me like he was “trained” as a child and teenager to not work around the house. This means that even if he has a good heart, he probably simply does not see what needs to be done.

I know this is hard for the “doers” to understand, because we SEE everything–the dustball under the sofa, the stack of dirty dishes after evening family ice cream, the child whose sweater is on backwards, etc.

But people like Allegra’s husband have been trained NOT to see these things. And it’s possible that he has also been trained to consider them “not important,” so even if he is asked to take care of them, he asks, “Why?”

So it’s not a question of his considerateness vs. selfishness. Shaming someone who doesn’t realize that they are doing something “wrong” will only confuse and anger him.

I put “wrong” in quotes so that we realize that there is nothing morally “wrong” with dustballs, dirty dishes, and backwards clothing. It’s just that some of us have been trained to take care of these situations as soon as we become aware of them, while others have been trained to let them go.

It’s very common for couples who are opposite when it comes to “chores” end up getting married! The neatness and orderliness of the “clean” spouse is attracted to the free-spirit and laid-back attitude of the “messy” spouse, and vice-versa!

BTW, a lot of “clean” people truly feel that this is a moral issue–that “cleanliness is next to godliness” and that order is God’s intent for all situations. They feel justified in “correcting” others who aren’t like them.

I don’t think this is the case with the “messy” people, who are able to separate “cleanliness” from “godliness”, and don’t see cleanliness and order as “right” and “proper.” These"messies" often are the people who do well in adverse situations, because their “routine” is not turned upside-down (because it already IS upside down!), and often they can roll with the punches and keep their faith better than the erson who MUST have order and neatness in order to function and have faith in God.

Of course these are generalizations.

 

[Psalm30]

The only thing I think is completely unacceptable is the leaving weed killer out when there’s a toddler running around. If he’s been told it’s a danger to the children but does it anyway, that’s really serious and I don’t think it can be chalked up to “that’s just how he was raised” or “some people just aren’t good with chores.”

 

[Peeps]

The only thing I think is completely unacceptable is the leaving weed killer out when there’s a toddler running around. If he’s been told it’s a danger to the children but does it anyway, that’s really serious and I don’t think it can be chalked up to “that’s just how he was raised” or “some people just aren’t good with chores.”

Think about it. Almost every day, we hear about a child who is dead because of an adult’s carelessness. Kids die from being left in hot cars, or from drowning in a swimming pool with no adult around, or from being crushed by old garage doors that didn’t have a motion detector.

These adults didn’t intend to do anything that led to their child’s death. They may have intended to correct the situation, but gotten distracted.

I’m guessing that Allegra’s husband has limited perception of how children develop, and he is assuming that they are just like him, aware of the causticity of weed killer. A lot of people get a wrong perception of children from television, where children are often portrayed as precocious far beyond their years, solving mysteries, fighting foreign spies, investigating haunted sites, inventing products that sell millions, and stopping invasions from outer space! In recent days, we’ve seen kids getting millions of likes on Facebook and other media because of a cool thing they did during the COVID pandemic!

So it’s possible that Allegra’s husband has gotten the idea that kids are a lot more mature than most of them are.

My suggestion is to not use weed killer on the lawn until the children are old enough to understand the danger. Just mow the weeds down for now. Or start a butterfly garden like my supervisor–she has a whole yard full of weeds, many milkweeds, and has raised hundreds of monarch butterflies!

And I also think that Allegra should drum the “fear of weed killer” into the heads of her little ones and warn them over and over and over again, not only with words, but with signs and posters all over the house, to NEVER taste or touch ANYTHING unless Mom or Dad or Grandparents or Teachers have said that it’s OK to taste and touch. Make it a campaign around the house–perfect time for a home campaign, since it’s an election year and the kids will probably see/hear plenty about campaigns and elections.–it’s possible that this kind of over-the-top campaign might wake Dad up to the dangers of his carelessness and get him to be extra-careful.

But always remember–ANY parent can be careless without meaning to, and any child can suffer as a result of that one-time slip up. So sad.

 

[F_Marturana]

I think it’s up to the adults to keep kids safe though. Not the small kids to be wary of the weed killer.



How much extra stress is it to know that a husband can’t understand the weed killer is dangerous, but the kids need to know to avoid it.

 

[Allegra]

It’s mostly been a change in my behavior, I think. He’s always been somewhat lazy about doing stuff and I can’t say I’ve never lost my temper on him before, but it was maybe once a year? Now it’s getting to be more frequent like once or twice a month. He might be getting more passive aggressive about it than before, but I think I also have less tolerance because I can’t do this all on my own right now and important stuff is starting to fall through the cracks.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think he necessarily in intending for the kids to get hurt. He just doesn’t think that far enough in advance. He thinks he’ll put it next to the door and some how it’ll make it out to the shed. “Somehow” is me. I’m “somehow”. I mean, I guess there’s always a chance that we might get a gardening fairly, but until then, I’m “somehow”.

 

[Psalm30]

Think about it. Almost every day, we hear about a child who is dead because of an adult’s carelessness. Kids die from being left in hot cars, or from drowning in a swimming pool with no adult around, or from being crushed by old garage doors that didn’t have a motion detector.

These adults didn’t intend to do anything that led to their child’s death. They may have intended to correct the situation, but gotten distracted.

I’m guessing that Allegra’s husband has limited perception of how children develop, and he is assuming that they are just like him, aware of the causticity of weed killer. A lot of people get a wrong perception of children from television, where children are often portrayed as precocious far beyond their years, solving mysteries, fighting foreign spies, investigating haunted sites, inventing products that sell millions, and stopping invasions from outer space! In recent days, we’ve seen kids getting millions of likes on Facebook and other media because of a cool thing they did during the COVID pandemic!

So it’s possible that Allegra’s husband has gotten the idea that kids are a lot more mature than most of them are.

My suggestion is to not use weed killer on the lawn until the children are old enough to understand the danger. Just mow the weeds down for now. Or start a butterfly garden like my supervisor–she has a whole yard full of weeds, many milkweeds, and has raised hundreds of monarch butterflies!

And I also think that Allegra should drum the “fear of weed killer” into the heads of her little ones and warn them over and over and over again, not only with words, but with signs and posters all over the house, to NEVER taste or touch ANYTHING unless Mom or Dad or Grandparents or Teachers have said that it’s OK to taste and touch. Make it a campaign around the house–perfect time for a home campaign, since it’s an election year and the kids will probably see/hear plenty about campaigns and elections.–it’s possible that this kind of over-the-top campaign might wake Dad up to the dangers of his carelessness and get him to be extra-careful.

But always remember–ANY parent can be careless without meaning to, and any child can suffer as a result of that one-time slip up. So sad.

I’m well aware of everything you said. I’ve done stupid things as a parent and thankfully my kids haven’t been hurt thus far. But it’s up to the parents to keep the kids’ environment safe. If it was a one-time thing for which he apologized, admitted his mistake, and hasn’t done again, what you said here may apply. But if he’s been told it’s not acceptable but keeps doing it to the point that he cannot be trusted to keep it out of the children’s access—especially a young toddler—that’s quite another thing and he needs to get a clue.

 

[Allegra]

I tried to give specific examples because it’s hard to know if a stranger is like a psyco-clearner like my husband’s mom, or if there really is a problem that needs addressing in the helping out department.

 

[Psalm30]

I don’t think he necessarily in intending for the kids to get hurt. He just doesn’t think that far enough in advance. He thinks he’ll put it next to the door and some how it’ll make it out to the shed. “Somehow” is me. I’m “somehow”. I mean, I guess there’s always a chance that we might get a gardening fairly, but until then, I’m “somehow”.

I’m not saying he’s intending for the kids to get hurt. But if he can’t comprehend that it’s a danger to them and does it over and over he needs to get a clue.

 

[Allegra]

Yeah, our house is definately not even close to an “A”. We generally fall the spectrum at “unreasonably cluttered”. When people come over, it’s more like, “clear a space and wipe down the table so people and sit down”. So far, we’ve been able to stay above “unsafe and toxic environment”, but we are sinking closer and closer and that’s what worries me. I really can’t lower my standards anymore or people might be calling DFS. I do thank him when he contributes. It’s funny because he was complaining that we shouldn’t “have to” reward the kids for doing the chores they are supposed to do anyway and it’s like, “You’re so right, Dearest! Thank you for taking the laundry down the steps so I can wash, dry, sort, and fold it for the family. Would you like a pudding cup?” I am working on teaching the kids to do chores, but as they are 6, 4, and 1, it’s often more work to get them to do the chore than it is to do it myself. Hopefully my efforts will start paying off soon! The only tasks they seem to be really good at so far are picking up the yard so it could be mowed (which used to be done by my husband) and putting away their clothes after I sort them. We have them doing other chores as well, but it’s not a time-saving exercise as of yet.

 

[Allegra]

That’s just one example. He only left the weed killer out for me the one time. When I yelled at him, he got up and fixed it, but it was one item in a long list of messes he had left half-done for me to finish and clean up so he could sit down and look at his phone. And it isn’t always dangerous, persay. Sometimes it’s just wasteful or destructive, such as leaving the full gallon of milk out on the counter to spoil because he “figured I was just going to use it for my coffee and put it away myself,” or leaving a dirty diaper on the changing table instead of putting it in the diaper pail two feet away and then the baby gets a hold of it and I have to stop what I’m doing to bathe the baby and scrub the wall. All the things are going on at once and that’s when I lose it because I feel like I can’t get ahead.

 

[Allegra]

It’s not about not noticing a pile of dirty ice cream dishes. It’s he said he’d do the dishes last night, but he didn’t. Then he promised to do them in the morning, but he didn’t. Now, I have no choice but to do them myself because it’s time for dinner and we have nothing to cook it with or eat it off of. And yes, sometimes I grab a few paper plates or just flat out say, “You want to eat? Do the _______ dishes.” But it works on me when he tries to force me into doing a task that he agreed to do.

 

[Allegra]

I didn’t buy the weed killer. He bought it because of the weeks growing in the cracks of the driveway. I have no idea why it was even brought into the house, but it’s been in our kitchen for months. I asked him to take it to the shed where it belongs. He took it out of the locked cabinet and it made it to the front door, where it sat.