Losing My Temper With Husband

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Can you ask him why he does this…in a way that doesn’t sound angry or accusatory?

There’s a finite number of ways to approach something like this. Getting to the root of it is the goal, though.
 
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Allegra said:
He’s not an idiot, …he gets discontent with “adulting”
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To put it bluntly, it sounds like his mother ruined him, and he doesn’t know how to take care of anything himself. That’s my 2 cent psychoanalysis.

But anyway, I would try giving him one task at a time. Wait until he masters it until giving him another. Maybe in ten years he’ll have made some progress.
 
I’m just wondering…how long are you spending when you get upset and angry? Are you spending 20 minutes yelling when the small chore would be done in 45 seconds? I’m not asking this to be rude, but sometimes our time is only valuable in certain ways.

There is no authority for women in marriage in this sense. Not that men shouldn’t help where they are capable, but something else is going on. If you have that much of a compulsion to be angry with him, you might consider hiring a nanny and for a couple months, using the time you aren’t cleaning, cooking, etc, to pray, alone. Then, from there, continue with the nanny, and start dating your husband again. Get to know him. And mind you, this entire time, don’t ever nag, yell, cuss at him, etc. It’s really difficult to change this sort of thing, but there’s something broken in your relationship, but I’m venturing to guess it’s easier to say the rotten roots are someone else’s problem, not mine.

Work on your roots first, then the both of your roots (the marriage itself!).

In the meantime, take a load off yourself, you don’t need that level of stress. If he’s useless at home, ask him to simply work a little more to cover the costs of the nanny. Promise him, and yourself, that you will do your best to not nag, yell, or lose your temper during this process.

This is my theory, that if you try this, it may benefit you immensely. But don’t worry so much about him, even if he does something you perceive harmful, because in the end, you also held some level of stubbornness that you also didn’t move the herbicide out of the toddler’s reach. This level of shifting responsibility wouldn’t float past a social worker if something happened to the toddler, so be mindful of that. Though I’m not a social worker, just…food for thought.

I hope this doesn’t offend you or that any of this comes off harshly, my intention is only to get you to see that the brokenness is a collaborative effort between both of you, and you fixing yourself first will also give him time to heal.
 
It isn’t that he doesn’t really know how to do them. He lived on his own for several years. When I was in the NICU with the baby for weeks, he ran the whole household himself with no problems. He does things wrong or incompletely on purpose. Any task I ask him to do, he always leaves a part undone or done incorrectly so that I get to go back and redo it later, or stop what I’m doing to get it done if I’m desperate enough.
 
Hi Allegra,
I thought of an idea that would help with him dressing the kids. After the kid’s clothes are washed and dried, fold each outfit’s top, pants, socks and underwear together. That way the clothes will match, and it will be easy for him. Just put them into the drawers folded with what each outfit will need, and he just pulls out the folded stack.

I feel how tired and frustrated you must be, try to just give it to God when it gets REALLY bad. After all, your husband IS God’s creation, and God could have done a much better job of tweaking your husband’s personality traits! God dropped the ball there, so yeah, just give it back to God. I feel for you Sister. (((HUG)))
 
I usually yell for less than a minute. Definitely nowhere close to 20 minutes! The idea is to wake him up and get him to realize that this is serious and we need him to step up, not make it take all day! We don’t live in a country where you can hire a nanny inexpensively. Hiring one would take up most of my income and we depend on that for other things. Also, he doesn’t have the kind of job where you can just work a little extra to make extra money. He works the amount they have for him and he’s paid for that amount. It’s the same each week except for some quarterly bonuses.
 
We tried that. He claimed that he couldn’t tell which garments went with which outfit. That’s why I stopped asking him for our daughter. Our son’s clothes are fairly interchangable. While one outfit looks better together than another, none of them come out as ridiculous as some of the outfits he put together for our daughter from the clothes I left out for her.
 
A nanny doesn’t have to be full time, or close to it. I don’t really know how difficult it is to have someone to help out an hour or two even every week. My mom has a cleaning lady come by to clean her place once a week, and things like the herbicide would easily be put away.

Things aren’t cheap anywhere, but somewhere, the benefit has to be worth it to afford it. Unless you’re looking for someone with a formula that somehow fixes your husband, but I will say that I don’t think you should worry so much about fixing him. Always work on yourself, offer up sacrifices to God.

Also, just…yelling doesn’t wake anyone up. It creates a wedge though. It does do something, just not what you think it does.
 
This sounds like you think he is perfectly capable, but that he is messing up intentionally.
Allegra said:
He does things wrong or incompletely on purpose. Any task I ask him to do, he always leaves a part undone or done incorrectly so that I get to go back and redo it later, or stop what I’m doing to get it done if I’m desperate enough.
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Do you honestly believe that he is thinking to himself, “She has asked me to water the lawn. I will water all except one part so she will have to water it herself later on.”?
 
TheIttyBitty said:
Also, just…yelling doesn’t wake anyone up. It creates a wedge though. It does do something, just not what you think it does.
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@Allegra you say you know it isn’t a good idea to yell at kids. It’s a bad idea to yell at adults for the same reason. Yelling puts a person in fight-or-flight mode and makes them less able to process whatever message you want to send. I once had a psychologist tell me that parents who yell at their kids really don’t realize how little learning actually takes place during a session of yelling. And meanwhile it just works to destroy the relationship with the child. I don’t see why it would be any different for spouses.
 
Yes. Although in his mind it probably sounds like, “I shouldn’t have to do all of this. I did some of it and that’s going to have to be good enough.” My mom says that it’s because his mom left them when he was a kid and every now and then he’s trying to test me to see if I will leave him too. I don’t know if that’s a legitimate thing, or if she just watches too much Dr. Phil.
 
Oh, I see. I’m not sure how easy it would be to get someone for a few hours a week so I could have a break, but that’s definately more doable. I think I’d rather have someone else do the cleaning though. I like spending time with the kids.
 
I realize that and that’s why I try not to and want to stop. It just seems to be the only thing that gets a reaction out of him. I tell him how it makes me feel when I’m calm, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference. But when I yell or use less nice language, he gets up and starts doing stuff.
 
It would be great if we could get someone to help with certain housework once a week and we would have more time to spend together with the family.
 
This might be harder/more risky with coronavirus, but do you know anyone with teenagers who could use extra money? It sounds like you don’t really need a professional who can do a deep clean so much as someone who can wash dishes and take out the trash and all those annoying little chores that pile up. A teenager who could use some extra money might be cheaper than a full housekeeper (at the cost of not doing a lot of the extra stuff), especially if you’re still providing all the things to do the job as well.
 
She’s watching too much dr Phil.

I hope it’s ok to mention, don’t bring fights or disagreements to your mom or your family of origin. You will forgive your husband much easier than they forgive him.

You mentioned that he was able to manage the household when you were in the NICU.

What’s changed with him? Is he possibly depressed?

This pandemic is causing lots of us to be anxious and depressed.
 
I don’t know anyone, but I bet I could find one on the neighborhood facebook page.
 
Allegra said:
I realize that and that’s why I try not to and want to stop. It just seems to be the only thing that gets a reaction out of him. I tell him how it makes me feel when I’m calm, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference. But when I yell or use less nice language, he gets up and starts doing stuff.
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My point is that it may help to, when you want to yell, stop and remind yourself: “This isn’t going to achieve the result I want.” It will achieve what you want in that moment, but will be harmful in the long term, causing underlying wounds that will hurt both you and your husband. If you remind yourself of that when you want to yell, then it may help you not do it. Unless deep down you are yelling at him out of anger and revenge.
 
I think what changed is I came home and now he thinks I should do it all. It’s not that he can’t do it. It’s that he doesn’t want to. I don’t usually tell my mom about this stuff, but he’s done this before in her presence. (In front of my whole family, actually.) They’ve all seen him use these kinds of methods to avoid pitching in. My sister actually didn’t like him at first when we were engaged because he came with us on a vacation with my dad, step-mom, and siblings and while everyone was working to carry luggage or groceries, he made sure to grab his ipod. My mom has had to point out that he could demonstrate his gratitude for being included in a family event or dinner by helping to set up or clean up after dinner. It’s incredibly embarrassing for me when people notice that he will do almost anything to avoid doing his part.
 
Allegra said:
Any task I ask him to do, he always leaves a part undone or done incorrectly so that I get to go back and redo it later, or stop what I’m doing to get it done if I’m desperate enough.
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Don’t get desperate enough.

If you run out of dishes, calmly say “I guess we are eating out tonight, we have no clean dishes.” Don’t yell, don’t tell him to do them. He relies on you too much to tell him what to do. Or look in the cabinet and say “ come here look! Something really odd! “ if he asks what is it, tell him to come over and look, and when he does, say “ I could have sworn we were supposed to have clean dishes in here, but there aren’t any.” No yelling, but do your best acting like you really mean it and are genuinely perplexed.

Don’t see him as another child to raise by telling him what to do.

One of my sons used to leave a couple of days of shoes and socks in the tv room. I used to take them and spread them out in a row like they were footprints walking out of the room. I didn’t say a word. He picked them up and took them to his room.
 
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