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Allegra
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Dishes aren’t usually the thing that puts me over the age as far as yelling, but I do get annoyed by it.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Well, that was just my example of changing how you get your point across.
Years ago, my husband used to wear button down shirts to work every day. I had to iron them. Th3 problem was, he never used to unbutton them before putting them in the wash. Even though I asked if he could please unbutton them so I wouldn’t have to stop and do it. Didn’t help.
So, I started ironing them buttoned up, no matter how they came out. And if any of the top buttons were unbuttoned, I buttoned them up.
He did ask why he had to unbutton them now and I told him that’s how I got them and I only buttoned the top button.
He finally got the message.
Years ago, my husband used to wear button down shirts to work every day. I had to iron them. Th3 problem was, he never used to unbutton them before putting them in the wash. Even though I asked if he could please unbutton them so I wouldn’t have to stop and do it. Didn’t help.
So, I started ironing them buttoned up, no matter how they came out. And if any of the top buttons were unbuttoned, I buttoned them up.
He did ask why he had to unbutton them now and I told him that’s how I got them and I only buttoned the top button.
He finally got the message.
I like how you think, however this may come across as sarcastic and may give him fuel to go on the defense. I would just stick with “Well, guess we’ll have to go out to eat since there are no clean dishes.” Less is more. Too many words give him more opportunities to argue or get defensive.
Also, just make sure you’re willing to follow through with whatever you say—I.e. you’ll actually go out to eat.
Maybe even let the dishes pile up for a few days.
The point is don’t reward his behavior by finishing the tasks for him. That’s what he wants and you are reinforcing his behaviors by giving it to him. Yes, there are some tasks that MUST be done whether he completes them or not, but when possible, allow for natural consequences to his actions. Like, if he dresses your daughter inappropriately and all of you are about to head out the door to a party he doesn’t want to miss/be late for, say, “Oh dear, we probably won’t get to the party! ‘Daughter’s Name’ isn’t dressed appropriately.” Don’t ask him to re-dress her. Don’t point out that he didn’t do it right. And most of all, don’t re-dress her yourself. I imagine he will figure things out after a few instances of this and eventually learn he needs to just do things properly the first time because you are no longer going to clean up after him.
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Annie
Guest
I like the ideas above of having the consequences fall on him.
But was he working at home before, and you were out of the home? Could he possibly feel like you kind of took over when you started being at home?
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Irishmom2
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We all speak “sarcasm humor” in my house.
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MamaJewel
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I did notice that you mentioned that he sometimes does chores in a useless way. Please explain so I can make a better assessment of the situation.
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Peeps
Guest
Allegra, as long as you keep rescuing him, the longer he’ll keep letting you!
LEAVE any mess that he leaves, unless it is dangerous to the children. Leave it until the bugs start buzzing. Don’t pick up after him, FORCE him to see the mess, because he honestly does not see it and he WON’t see it as long as you keep whisking is away clean again.
Buy paper plates, etc. and use them for all meals in the future so you don’t have to wash as many dishes. We do this with my father and mother in law, as they are unable to do these chores themselves, and we end up doing it. Better to wash out a few saucepans or a casserole dish than do a whole meal’s worth of dishes.
Get rid of anything that is not needed. E.g., one way you can make dressing little ones easier is to only have a few outfits on hand rather than a giant stack. You’ll have to do laundry more often, but a lot less folding and putting away. And it’s easier to get your husband to help with dress children if he doesn’t have to dig through a giant stack of t-shirts and slacks. Only keep out what is appropriate for the current season; e.g., there really shouldn’t be any sweaters or winter clothing stored in their rooms (or wherever their clothing is stored). Put all the extra in the attic and bring it out when the season begins to change.
Same for toys–while the girls were growing up, we had several baskets of toys, but only 1 basket was out at any given month. I kept a good assortment of toys (a building toy like blocks, some “lovey” toys, a game or two, some art/craft toys, etc., but only enough to fit in one laundry basket. It kept the clutter under control.
I don’t know if any of this advice is helpful. I feel for your situation–the pandemic is hard enough to live through, and I can’t imagine doing it with small children and a rather clueless husband. At least it sounds like you both still have incomes, which is a blessing. Hope things get better for you and your family soon.
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MamaJewel
Guest
Did you ask him why he didn’t water those flowers? And did you ask him to please go back outside and water them?
I dealt with this in my marriage. Ex would take out some of the garbage to the curb and would leave the rest to me or the kids. As the kids grew up, they resented him for it and refused to do the task themselves.
Needless to say, I’d have to get the garbage out to the curb.
Plz look up passive aggressive behavior. It sounds like you might be dealing with it. Especially if he was capable of correctly doing housework before marriage and children.
Also sounds like he has a touch of ADHD or Aspergers.
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Servant31
Guest
Hmm. Ok so I had a mom like that. I mean I love my family but…wow. I apparently would load the dishwasher “wrong.“ I have gotten a few education lessons on this… The issue was that she was inconsistent, and also she has a habit of not doing things the correct way, but HER way. Which tbh…wasn’t any better. Or against the instructions…
In these scenarios rather than having an anxiety attack trying to satisfy the unsatisfiable, I would sometimes just not load the thing. I mean why climb a mountain if 5 feet from the top you get yelled at and start all over…and even then it’s not done “right”, where she will redo it anyway…
So not to get on a corralary… I think your husband needs to pitch in on housework. But are your standards realistic? Forgive the reference but is it possible your being a mild Karen about housework (please don’t answer me but just ask yourself honestly)?
If not could you sit down with your husband and create a chores list that approximates things which need to be done? It has to be realistic and both parties should understand the standards.
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Buks
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So many replies focus on the OP’s reaction to her difficult situation, as if this husband didn’t deserve it. I think it may be a matter of just coping till the workload decreases when the kids are grown. Treat this part of his personality as a sort of comic caricature, and get a little laugh out of it now and then.
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Servant31
Guest
Sadly this can work, but sometimes not. At my parents place my dad had his stuff on the living room table, dining room table, his office (can’t see the table tops), and his rooms dresser (shared). I’m thinking five years?
Imho in a situation this extreme as my folks a counselor or priest might provide some accountability…
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MamaJewel
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Yes this^^
Try to make it so that everything has a place and everything is returned to its place after use.
Include the children in this.
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Annie
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She has been pretty specific in several posts.
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Allegra
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No. I was responding to what changed from him being confident competent to run the house while I was in the NICU. I was there for two and half weeks with my baby.
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1Lord1Faith
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I thought you said he wasn’t an idiot?? But you’re saying he did this in front of your family, on a vacation, as a first impression?
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Allegra
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When I say “useless”, I mean he’ll do the task, but in a way that isn’t helpful. Most frequently, I ask for something and he’ll say okay, but then not get it. When I ask again, he’ll say he’ll bring it “in a minute” or “when he gets up”. At that point the think is no longer useful to me. Or I’ll ask for him to bring a cup of milk for one of the kids at dinner, and he’ll bring it in a dirty cup, which means I not only have to go back and get it, but wash out the cup as well. If I ask for a tool, he’ll bring a different tool that he claims works just as well. (but doesn’t) If I ask him to change the baby, he’ll put her in a fleece sleeper when we’re going out in 90 degree weather. Once, he put her in a sleeper with no flipping diaper. That was lovely. She peed through the sleeper, the carseat, and left a puddle of pee on the floor of restaurant.
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JanR
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My hubby always empties the dishwasher, and he invariably puts things in the wrong places in our cupboards. I don’t say anything. After he’s finished, I simply rearrange the dishes to where they’re supposed to go. He doesn’t notice.
I know it feels like double duty, but sometimes you just have to fix things later, and go on about your business. I’m glad he empties the dishwasher. That’s one less task I have to do.
The interesting mystery is why, when he sees where I’ve put things in the cupboards repeatedly in the same places, his brain doesn’t seem to register that he should put them there, too. I guess that’s a guy thing.
I know it feels like double duty, but sometimes you just have to fix things later, and go on about your business. I’m glad he empties the dishwasher. That’s one less task I have to do.
The interesting mystery is why, when he sees where I’ve put things in the cupboards repeatedly in the same places, his brain doesn’t seem to register that he should put them there, too. I guess that’s a guy thing.
Ok, this just keeps getting more and more outrageous. Not putting a diaper on a baby and using a fleece sleeper in 90 degree weather?
Maybe taking the kids and staying with your mother for a few months will get him to wake up and shape up. This man needs a serious wake up call.
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Viki63
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I like the idea of using consequences as much as possible. If he promised to wash the dishes but didn't,don’t wash them yourself, just make peanut butter sandwiches for everyone and hand them out on napkins.I would throw away the weed killer. I don’t allow poisonous substances in my house with a young child here. If he can’t put it away safely, it’s gone.
The pandemic has made everything harder. I find myself more irritable lately. If he piled stuff on tables I needed to use, I’d just remove it to the floor.
These days, I just sweep the living room every couple of days and pile all the kid’s toys in a bin, which I will put away when I have a minute. My standards are lowering also. with 3 small children it must be really hard. I’m trying to maintain a cheerful atmosphere in the house, but it’s often hard.
Praying for all of us.
I guess I was being flippant in my last post. Taking the kids and leaving for a month is probably extreme. But he really does need some sort of wake up call in all this.
I agree with Vicki
And, yes, anything he brings home that is a danger to the children but he can’t handle safely goes away. Simple as that.
I agree with Vicki
Making peanut butter sandwiches on napkins makes more sense than going out to eat, especially during this pandemic. But don’t, under any circumstances, do the dishes yourself.
And, yes, anything he brings home that is a danger to the children but he can’t handle safely goes away. Simple as that.
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