Losing My Temper With Husband

[Peeps]

I like the idea of using consequences as much as possible. If he promised to wash the dishes but didn't, don’t wash them yourself, just make peanut butter sandwiches for everyone and hand them out on napkins.
I would throw away the weed killer. I don’t allow poisonous substances in my house with a young child here. If he can’t put it away safely, it’s gone.
The pandemic has made everything harder. I find myself more irritable lately. If he piled stuff on tables I needed to use, I’d just remove it to the floor.
These days, I just sweep the living room every couple of days and pile all the kid’s toys in a bin, which I will put away when I have a minute. My standards are lowering also. with 3 small children it must be really hard. I’m trying to maintain a cheerful atmosphere in the house, but it’s often hard.
Praying for all of us.

I really like your way of thinking and doing!

I think some people cope with the pandemic by relaxing rigorous standards, while others cope by creating rigorous standards.

 

[Peeps]

Making peanut butter sandwiches on napkins makes more sense than going out to eat, especially during this pandemic. But don’t, under any circumstances, do the dishes yourself.

And, yes, anything he brings home that is a danger to the children but he can’t handle safely goes away. Simple as that.

It’s possible, in fact, probable, that many men simply do not know how to do dishes or other “traditionally-female chores”–don’t scoff! If they have never been taught, and have never been in the military or to a really primitive summer camp, and especially if they have a doting mama who doesn’t make her baby son do anything around the house–they just don’t know how.

Again, don’t scoff. I am absolutely useless when it comes to household repairs or car maintenance/repairs, even the most simple tasks, and I do not know how to use tools and I usually end up using the wrong end of the tool if I try. I have a hard time changing light bulbs because when I was growing up, my dad did all of this kind of work! Thankfully, my daughters are not like this–my husband made sure that they DID know how to use tools and do simple repairs and home maintenance and even some car repairs and maintenance.

So consider the possibility that Allegra’s hubby doesn’t have a clue about dishes! I can do a huge load of dishes by hand in ten minutes (I don’t dry and put them away until they have air-dried overnight). It would take my husband at least a half-hour because it’s not something in his skill set. It’s awkward for him. Even the way I have the kitchen set up is awkward for him because he’s left-handed and everything feels backward to him (although he copes better than I cope with wrong-handed setups!).

Just a thought, and a good admonition–Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be clueless!

Allegra, I’m guessing that your husband isn’t the type to sit down and discuss things, make lists, write out goals, divide up chores, plan daily schedules, etc. I’m guessing he rolls his eyes and sighs really big if you mention sitting down and having a talk. I’m guessing that he claims he doesn’t have time and says, “Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it,” and then he doesn’t listen when you tell him and he doesn’t do it.

Is that correct? If so, it’ makes it really hard to try to make changes in your family routine. Again, this inability to have a planning session is a learned behavior on his part, left over from his childhood and upbringing.

Perhaps it would be helpful to use business terms, e.g., tell him you would like to have a huddle and brainstorm some solutions to child-rearing. Get out a whiteboard and an erasable marker, and ask him to write down the brainstorm ideas. And keep in mind that a huddle usually only lasts for a minute or two, so keep it all short. Maybe this approach would resonate with him, especially if he writes down the ideas.

 

[heidi_storage]

So I’m hearing you’ve got three separate problems:

1. You need more household help.
2. If your perceptions are correct, your husband appears to be acting in a passive-aggressive way to deliberately annoy you.
3. You respond to his antics in a dysfunctional manner.

Problem 3 is the only one that you can control, and whatever else you do, you should stop and just regard yelling as being off the table no matter what.

You’ve received some good suggestions about Problem 1. Try to recruit help that isn’t your husband–easier said than done, I know, especially during the whole COVID thing.

Problem 2 sounds like something you should discuss with your husband. I know you have had calm discussions about the issue, but it sounds more like they’ve pertained to “I need more help” than “can you tell me why you do something halfway or delayed or in an apparently deliberately annoying way to me?”

I say apparently, because I don’t know what’s going on in your husband’s head. If your perception is correct that he is trying to do things poorly on purpose, then he’s carrying a boatload of resentment that needs to be dealt with. Perhaps in that case you can ask him what makes him feel that he needs to do this. Heck, maybe (maybe!) stopping yelling at him will, over time, help.

But it is also possible that he has some sort of organizational issue or ADD, as another poster said. I know he ran things well for you while you were away, but that was relatively short-term. When he was a bachelor, his household chores were pretty simple, and from your posts it seems that he has had an odd way of doing (or not doing) things for many years. Obviously, you know your husband better than I, but it is worth considering that he may not be trying to annoy you.

I hope the posts on this thread have been helpful. Life with kids can be tricky, and it’s so much better if the spouses have each other’s back.

 

[Psalm30]

I dunno, she said he did a perfectly fine job of running things at home when she was in the hospital with the baby for two weeks, so…

 

[Allegra]

Putting dishes in the “wrong place” isn’t a problem in our house. We don’t have many dishes. Half the time, we’re pulling them from the dishwasher to use anyway.

 

[Cruciferi]

Maybe this is something to talk to a counselor about

Yes, after reading through at least 86 posts, I believe that both of you should see a Marriage Counselor.

 

[Psalm30]

But are your standards realistic? Forgive the reference but is it possible your being a mild Karen about housework (please don’t answer me but just ask yourself honestly)?

She says there are literally no clean dishes at dinner time because he promises to wash them but doesn’t. When he’s supervising the kids cleaning their rooms, he lets them pile up the mess onto their beds so they can’t go to bed on time. He left weed killer out with a toddler running around. So, yeah at minimum I think it’s beyond realistic to expect the dishes to be available for meals, the kids’ beds to be usable, and the environment to be safe for the kids.

 

[DarkLight]

I would definitely second the marriage counselor idea - if he’ll go and take things seriously. But the problem in situations like these, from what I’ve heard, is that it’s often difficult to get the partner who doesn’t see any problem to cooperate with a counselor.

 

[Psalm30]

I would definitely second the marriage counselor idea - if he’ll go and take things seriously. But the problem in situations like these, from what I’ve heard, is that it’s often difficult to get the partner who doesn’t see any problem to cooperate with a counselor.

Or things get misrepresented during counseling. It’s not uncommon that the severity of one spouse’s transgressions gets downplayed while the other spouse takes all the blame or needs to “cut some slack.”

 

[MamaJewel]

Or I’ll ask for him to bring a cup of milk for one of the kids at dinner, and he’ll bring it in a dirty cup, which means I not only have to go back and get it, but wash out the cup as well.

oh no.
This is so sick.

If I ask for a tool, he’ll bring a different tool that he claims works just as well. (but doesn’t)

My ex would bring the wrong tool or not bring it and then blame me for his not bringing it.He also would damage my stuff (like a table my grandma gave me) if I asked him to help me fix something.

Looking back, I was being psychologically abused.
My ex wouldn’t help around the house and would blame me for not doing so. I was a house drudge and a disabled one on top of it. After ex left, I finally had 2 pins surgically placed into a joint that had been crushed in an accident 16 years earlier. I was never allowed the down-time to have the surgery and recover per doctors orders while with my ex.

If I ask him to change the baby, he’ll put her in a fleece sleeper when we’re going out in 90 degree weather. Once, he put her in a sleeper with no flipping diaper. That was lovely. She peed through the sleeper, the carseat, and left a puddle of pee on the floor of restaurant.

I dealt with crummy behavior from my ex in our marriage, but never something this bad.

This is child neglect.

Adult parents do not forget to diaper their baby, to do so is neglect, unless there is some type of extreme exceptional circumstances, like lack of sleep over several days due to direct care of another chronically ill child. Even then, the sleep deprived parent would be expected to reach out for physical support in caring for the children, so that they get adequate care.

You’ve got problems with this man-child because he can so blatantly dismiss the actual needs of his child(ren). He doesn’t get it, and he doesn’t care to. If you weren’t there, he would have to put his big boy pants on and take care of his children (and he did during the NICU stay). Yet, he neglects a baby when you’re around. Not good at all (and nothing you did, do, or will do in the future warrants his neglect towards the child).

Please reach out to a sound counselor who can help you safely maneuver through this. There are some older books on passive aggressive behavior, men’s anger, etc. They might help. But really, all you can do is focus on you and the children’s safety.

Sadly, you will need to document everything because it doesn’t sound like he wants to do anything other than what he wants to do. Since you’ve become a mom, it seems like you’ve become the object of his displaced anger. A spouse can not be a full and equal partner when their husband or wife is treating them with displaced contempt.

In the meantime, focus on self-care and keeping yourself sane and keeping the children safe.

Peace and prayers,
MJ

 

[Psalm30]

he’ll put her in a fleece sleeper when we’re going out in 90 degree weather

This is just plain dangerous. You can’t dress a baby in fleece in 90 degree weather. You just can’t. The weed killer, fleece in 90 degree weather, no diaper…serious things like this in your story are adding up. Can he truly be trusted to be alone with your kids? I’m not a fan of counseling but I really think this is indeed going beyond the scope of an Internet forum.