G
gavin52
Guest
I am basically curious as to what people’s opinions are in regards to lying to your spouse. Is there ever a time when lying to your spouse is acceptable?
- Status
O
Orionthehunter
Guest
Here are some acceptable times.
- Are you planning a surprise birthday party for me?
- Do these pants make my butt look fat?
- Do you think I am just like my mother?
M
migurl
Guest
Why would you WANT to lie to your spouse>?
L
lifeisbeautiful
Guest
Nope.
From the catechism:
1753 A good intention (for example, that of helping one’s neighbor) does not make behavior that is intrinsically disordered, such as lying and calumny, good or just. the end does not justify the means.
From the catechism:
1753 A good intention (for example, that of helping one’s neighbor) does not make behavior that is intrinsically disordered, such as lying and calumny, good or just. the end does not justify the means.
M
Mt19_26
Guest
I once had a priest tell me that he tells those people who confess adultery to never tell their spouse.
M
movingmom
Guest
lying is wrong all of the time, except the simple things like mentioned previously, “does my butt look big…etc” Liars always get caught and it’s just plain wrong. Telling the truth hurts sometimes, but the consequences of lying hurt all of the time.
S
Scott_Waddell
Guest
I must admit to having done this on a few occasions on small matters. I hate myself when I do it. My solution is not to do anything that would tempt me to lie about.
Scott
Scott
M
Madia
Guest
Did he tell them to lie to their spouses when questioned by them or just not to bring it up?
Lying is wrong all of the time no exceptions. “White” lies are still venial sins and cannot be justified. Mental reservations are sometimes acceptable.
How do you think that woman will feel if she finds out that outfit did make her butt look fat? Do you think she’ll be glad that her husband lied to her? Do you think it’s right for her husband to feed her vanity?
Just bring it up in confession that you sometimes lie out of habit instinctivley so that you’ll be given the grace to change your behavior.
L
lifeisbeautiful
Guest
Good answers Madia. While I was cooking dinner I was thinking about what that priest said and I thought the same thing, did he say to lie to his spouse about it, or just not to bring it up. I know some times its more difficult to live with a secret than to take it off your chest, so maybe the priest was just saying to not volunteer the info since it would only serve to alleviate the guilt and would just cause pain to the spouse. Plus, if ones spouse has an affair and one becomes aware of it and knows it for certain, their lying and denying it will only cause a larger wedge nand more pain.
M
Mystophilus
Guest
The more you lie, the less reason your spouse has to believe what you say.
Having said that, I would dodge Q1: “I would love to do that! Maybe I will do it next year”. There are two reasons for this. The first is that I know that My Beloved prefers to be surprised, and would, therefore, prefer for me not to be open about this. The second is that the deception would not last long, and all will be in the open again.
Q2 I would answer (and have answered) honestly; I can see better, and I should use that advantage to my Beloved’s benefit. Tastes differ, however.
Q3 I would answer (and have answered) thoroughly: in this respect you are, and in this respect you are not.
P
Pug
Guest
Scott Waddell:
It works.
gavin52:
Let a spouse make decisions based on reality, not fantasy.
However, I’ve got nothing against surprise parties as long as no major lies are involved, just some clever footwork.
Ah. I am familiar with this strategy.
It works.
I don’t think we should lie to our spouses, even to cover up some “minor” adulterous affair. Nor should we engage in a failure to disclose serious information campaign, like the doctor telling the husband that the wife is terminal, but the husband keeps it from the wife. Apparently it used to happen.
Let a spouse make decisions based on reality, not fantasy.
However, I’ve got nothing against surprise parties as long as no major lies are involved, just some clever footwork.
P
Pumpkin
Guest
Believe it or not-I would actually prefer for my DH tell me if I looked lousy in an outfit before going out! LOL.
We have been combining our things (married 1 yr) and he and I have realized that we had way to much stuff between the two of us. So we had some honest discussions about our things. For example: the “totally cool” sweater that I had since high school days
and his 101 electronics & their original boxes. (We agreed to keep the Atari) 
I hope he will always be able to tell me anything. Even if he says my favorite sweater is “80’s out of style” &/or makes my behind look larger than it really is. It comes from the spirit of caring & does not hurt my feelings.
I would not let a friend or my DH walk around with their zipper down or spinach in their teeth.
There is too much other junk in the world that you have to worry about, so it is nice not to be worried if your spouse is being 100% honest. Am I crazy?
JMHO
We have been combining our things (married 1 yr) and he and I have realized that we had way to much stuff between the two of us. So we had some honest discussions about our things. For example: the “totally cool” sweater that I had since high school days
and his 101 electronics & their original boxes. (We agreed to keep the Atari) I hope he will always be able to tell me anything. Even if he says my favorite sweater is “80’s out of style” &/or makes my behind look larger than it really is. It comes from the spirit of caring & does not hurt my feelings.
I would not let a friend or my DH walk around with their zipper down or spinach in their teeth.
There is too much other junk in the world that you have to worry about, so it is nice not to be worried if your spouse is being 100% honest. Am I crazy?
JMHO
P
Pumpkin
Guest
I totally agree and I think that is why I don’t mind my DH honest opinion!
P
paramedicgirl
Guest
From the Baltimore Catechism - It is permissible to give an evasive answer to someone who should not be asking that particular question (such as how much did you pay for …)
C
crobynb
Guest
Lying is wrong. A white lie is still a lie. Now having said that - have I lied to my spouse (white lies here, not a whopper) - yes. Am I proud of that -no. Do I ever want to do it again - no. Am I human and therefore liable to screw up again down the road - yup. But when it comes to the big’uns - NO WAY.
Honesty is 100 % neccessary for a healthy marriage. Even the sort of honesty that sticks in the back of your throat and cannot gulp it down for a week kind.
A way I have learned to deal with the tempation of being deceitful or evasive is to just be HONEST and say " I do not want to talk about it right now/yet.; I need time to think about this; or Please do not bring this up, I am just not ready" - follow with - “but I realize this needs addressed and will do so soon, or I respect your thoughts/opinions and thank you for sharing, or I simply do not know what to say without hurting your feelings . . blah blah blah.” (with full sincerity though-no blah’s)
Honesty is 100 % neccessary for a healthy marriage. Even the sort of honesty that sticks in the back of your throat and cannot gulp it down for a week kind.
A way I have learned to deal with the tempation of being deceitful or evasive is to just be HONEST and say " I do not want to talk about it right now/yet.; I need time to think about this; or Please do not bring this up, I am just not ready" - follow with - “but I realize this needs addressed and will do so soon, or I respect your thoughts/opinions and thank you for sharing, or I simply do not know what to say without hurting your feelings . . blah blah blah.” (with full sincerity though-no blah’s)
B
BlestOne
Guest
I agree with Pumpkin here:Ah. I am familiar with this strategy.
I don’t think we should lie to our spouses, even to cover up some “minor” adulterous affair.
Pug, I am not aware that there are any minor adulterous affairs
Nor should we engage in a failure to disclose serious information campaign, like the doctor telling the husband that the wife is terminal, but the husband keeps it from the wife. Apparently it used to happen.
Wouldn’t you know that they are keeping something from you? I really think I would know something was wrong. Unfortunately, if I didn’t know what the problem was, my imagination would come up with something I consider much worse than dying…like being cheated on. I say just tell me the truth!!!
Let a spouse make decisions based on reality, not fantasy.
Agreed, especially if there are children involved.
However, I’ve got nothing against surprise parties as long as no major lies are involved, just some clever footwork.
I find a good “Maybe I am , maybe I’m not” or “wouldn’t you like to know” answer suffices here pretty well.
Believe it or not-I would actually prefer for my DH tell me if I looked lousy in an outfit before going out! LOL.
I hate to ask all of you that think “little white lies are ok” if I had a piece of parsley in my teeth after dinner would you tell me? I sure hope you would, that is what I consider a friend. If I look totally ridiculous in that teenybopper fashion…tell me! I would tell you…
I
InSearchOfGod
Guest
Sometimes it would be very rude and hurtful to tell the truth. “Do you like my cooking?” “Not really!” Ouch! What a hurtful truth! I don’t understand how God could be angry with you if you said “Your cooking isn’t bad” even if it was. It will certainly make her feel much better than “not really”. Or you could just respond with a full mouth so you don’t even have to lie, like in that Twix commercial.
For big things, of course you should tell the truth.
For big things, of course you should tell the truth.
P
Pug
Guest
There aren’t! I agree there are no minor affairs. However, on this site in the past, I have seen this topic come up, and back then it seemed (to me) there were too many folks who would argue that so long as it happened only once and wasn’t ongoing, then you ought never let on that it happened, you’d only just hurt him/her “needlessly”. That’s why I had those quotes around “minor” and again now around the word “needlessly”, in memory of those folks. In my opinion, there is not some exception for the brief affair.
I agree with you on the parties thing. An obscure answer is fine, so long as you don’t have a spouse who has requested that you not do that for birthday parties and such.
On the wouldn’t they know kind of thing, I don’t know. I could pull the wool over my spouse’s eyes if I wanted, sadly. But then I am a tricky one, with too much practice.
Fortunately for those around me, I am reformed. Whew!
M
Madia
Guest
Being evasive does not necessarily mean lying. For example, if someone asked you how much you paid for your new car, if you say “I got it a little under retail price” rather than “It was marked at $23,500 but I got it for $22,750” you are not lying.
If it is ok to lie for little things then why shouldn’t you be able to lie for big things? Wouldn’t it hurt the person a lot more to know that their cooking was making people violently ill than knowing that it merely tasted bad? If it ok to tell a lie to preserve their feelings from getting hurt a little then why isn’t it ok to tell a lie to preserve their feelings from getting hurt a lot?
P
Pumpkin
Guest
I am not so sure…I am wondering if there is room for a differing opinion here?
I love to cook, and I would hate to think that I would continue to cook poorly or against preferences. Even in this case I believe there are tactful ways to be honest. For example respond, “I did not like the XYZ, but I really enjoyed ABC. It is a personal preference not something you did with the food.” Or “This time I felt there was too much salt in the dish otherwise I enjoy this dish when you make it…”
I am of the belief that if a person is not prepared to receive an answer they should not ask the question.
If I asked someone if they liked the meal I cooked, I would honestly want to know. For example, my sister-in-law is coming over for dinner on Thursday. She has many specific preferences. I love to spend time with her, so rather than making foods that only I will enjoy, I want to be sure she has a pleasant evening as well. So I asked her…would you like me to make chicken or beef…cooked with…?
If someone really hated all of my cooking, I would also want to know that too. Maybe they could clue me in to a mistake such as always over cooking or under cooking.
Another example comes to mind. We had my parent-in-laws over and I did not know that they like their meat well done (hockey puck style). My mother-in-law did not want to upset me so she ate the food politely b/c she did not want to hurt my feelings, but she did not enjoy it. I felt so badly because I would gladly have put it back on the grill and we could have all had a great meal.
So even here, I like the feedback on the cooking.
As for it being hurtful, I guess a person speaking out of spite or nastiness would certainly be a bad thing. No one has to answer in a rude way. So when a person asks a question, I really thing they want an honest answer.
- Status