Marriage with an atheist

[TC3033]

Why does being in a mixed marriage need an analogy, every marriage has its own inherit risks no matter what…then every marriage needs an analogy…

With being in a “mixed” marriage for over 15 years now, comparing the risk of entering into our marriage to that of one that could end in gory death is pretty outrageous, I guess YMMV… ¯_(ツ)_/¯

 

[TC3033]

I don’t think the comparisons of running into traffic to be that far off base, when we are talking about a person of deep faith marrying an atheist.

From what I read, that wasn’t the context of the comparison, it was “mixed” marriage in general which would/could include other baptized Christians.

I’m sure when the marriage is between one of faith and one of no faith at all, that would raise other challenges.

 

[Lara]

Truth be told, I feel more unity with atheists than with Protestants. It’s more logical to be an atheist than a Protestant. An atheist does not agree with the ultimate question, “Do you think Jesus was the son of God who died for us and rose again, and is the saviour of the world?” This is, after all, the crux of faith. The atheist just doesn’t have that faith.

A Protestant believes Jesus is the saviour of the world, but disagrees with some of the conclusions that flow from answering yes.

I would consider a devout Catholic marrying either an atheist or a Protestant to be taking on risk.

 

[therese1998]

Well that…that’s interesting…

I’ll have to show this to my wife tonight, I’m sure she’ll think it’s pretty “interesting” to see her marriage to me compared to running into traffic without looking or drinking and driving.

Well, I’m going to assume you are trying to introduce some levity into the conversation and not just some criticism.

As someone who has seen all kinds of failed marriages, mixed and otherwise, blow up the lives of adults and children, yeah, I treat it as something that can be risky and requires a great deal of discernment.

 

[therese1998]

Saint Monica (Saint Augustine’s mom), went through what you are planning to go through, and she managed to convert everyone.

I thought of that too She also was a lot like the Persistent Widow parable in prayer for her son, who became a great saint. I pray to her daily for my boys

 

[therese1998]

How will God tell you or what sign will He give you to know if it’s the one to marry?

Well, this is THE question, isn’t it I wish it were as simple as a bolt from the blue (and what a great thread to start…How Do YOU Know What He Wants You to Do). My husband had some “risk factors”, too. For me, there were a few things that made me feel like it was “meant to be”.

• a sense of growing peace about the “rightness” of the marriage after months of daily prayer
• open discussion about the things that worried me (this, obviously, goes both ways)
• discussion(s) with both a therapist (Catholic) and a priest I trusted.
• a strong commitment to one life/one marriage and being realistic with myself that this could be an uncomfortable commitment for me, ,at times.
• a really strong Pre-Cana program (Three to Get Married)

None of these is a guarantee…all of them together is still not a guarantee. But I said my “I do’s” and we’ve been married for 16 years and still in a good place. But there have been times that stretched me…and I’m sure he would say the same.

The only other piece of advice I was given that, looking back, was golden was to figure out what is THE most important thing in a marriage to you (money, religion, active/relaxed lifestyle, children, companionship, etc) and NEVER compromise on it. Compromise on the rest. (obviously, this doesn’t include things like personal safety or your children’s safety). For me, I needed to know that he would never make a deliberate choice to hurt me, even in anger. That was just what I NEEDED to have in order to “do” a marriage, based on my own experiences. Maybe take some time to think about what is YOUR one non-negotiable? And what else will you need to compromise on with this particular person…can you do it?

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

My husband had some “risk factors”, too. For me, there were a few things that made me feel like it was “meant to be”.

• a sense of growing peace about the “rightness” of the marriage after months of daily prayer
• open discussion about the things that worried me (this, obviously, goes both ways)
• a strong commitment to one life/one marriage and being realistic with myself that this could be an uncomfortable commitment for me, ,at times.
• a really strong Pre-Cana program (Three to Get Married)

Yes to all of these! There were a few things about my husband that didn’t look so good on paper, but I was at peace and marriage prep helped tremendously.

 

[TC3033]

Of course, I’ve said on this thread a handful of times ALL marriages come with risk, and individuals need to understand if they are making the correct decision.

I just find it “out there” as someone in a very successful mixed marriage that some would consider my wife’s decision to marry me is on par with running blindly into traffic or drunk driving.

And then people wonder why we don’t feel welcome as a family…

 

[therese1998]

I’ve already explained my reasoning. I also, if you read thoroughly, expressed positive sentiments about mixed marriages and expressed that even marriages with thorny issues can last for a lifetime. If you feel “out there”, I’m sorry but I think it’s a pretty extreme reaction to my post.

 

[TC3033]

Sorry, I think it’s an extreme analogy…that to compare those that decided to enter into a mixed-marrige is on par with someone who decides to run into traffic without looking or decides to get behind the wheel while intoxicated.

 

[Sophie111]

I have been happily married to an “atheist” for 20 years. Comes to Church with me and even prays the Rosary with me every Friday night.

I believe Catholics of all people, following the example of Jesus, avoid putting people in boxes.
For every crooked pot there is a crooked lid. We cannot make iron tight rules in advance as to what works and what doesn’t. There are always exceptions.

The trick is having the wisdom, the self-knowledge and the minimum personal virtue needed to discern what will work and decide whether one has the personality needed to see it through.

Most people of courser marry on emotion and/or financial considerations and/or the views of others and/or without prayer and/or at a young age. None of these things are conducive to making a wise prudential decision.

I never regretted my decision even though I went against the stream and allegedly “wise counsel” from my Church peers. But then I married later in life and I know myself pretty well. Also I found God smiling back at me in my atheist partner all the time. Thats a good sign.

 

[therese1998]

Sorry, I think it’s an extreme analogy…that to compare those that decided to enter into a mixed-marrige is on par with someone who decides to run into traffic without looking or decides to get behind the wheel while intoxicated.

You’ll have to choose to be offended, then. I’ve already explained why I think mixed marriages involve an element of risk , as do the examples I’ve cited. I’m pretty done with the explaining. I hope you can find more positive experiences

I believe Catholics of all people, following the example of Jesus, avoid putting people in boxes.
For every crooked pot there is a crooked lid. We cannot make iron tight rules in advance as to what works and what doesn’t. There are always exceptions.

Definitely!

Most people of courser marry on emotion and/or financial considerations and/or the views of others and/or without prayer and/or at a young age. None of these things are conducive to making a wise prudential decision

True. No one has to live that marriage but the two people involved in it. And no one knows the true state or health of that marriage other than the couple and God. Therefore, it’s really only the couple that can make the discernment.

 

[Norseman82]

I have been looking for catholics men in church for a few years already but there are really very few and almost all have gf or married already.

I have no choice and my age is mid-thirty already, so maybe this is my only choice…

Well, if their girlfriends are atheists, maybe you can arrange a trade? Or shame them in front of the pastor for turning their back on their own kind, forcing you to look elsewhere and having to settle for an atheist?

 

[Start]

That sounds extreme. It might be sarcasm or something, but I’m not sure.

 

[Norseman82]

That sounds extreme. It might be sarcasm or something, but I’m not sure.

Well, think about it. IF the Catholic men at the parish are dating atheist women, it’s making dating life difficult for this woman. It’s a topic that should be addressed somewhere.

 

[TC3033]

You’ll have to choose to be offended, then.

Eh…I’m not offended, I just think the analogy comparing it to drunken driving is pretty…“out-there”.

I’ve already explained why I think mixed marriages involve an element of risk

I don’t disagree…all marriages have risk.

I hope you can find more positive experiences

Me too. Like I’ve said before, I thank God that my wife didn’t find this page looking for marriage/dating advice. We could have missed out on 15 years (and counting) of marriage and our 3 great boys.

 

[TC3033]

Or shame them in front of the pastor

That sounds extreme. It might be sarcasm or something, but I’m not sure.

Ya…I have to agree. I’ve heard of something kind of like this during a homily once, I don’t think it turned out like they expected. It about ended my wife’s membership at that parish.

 

[therese1998]

With common sense,

how does one use “common sense” when several men are attempting to enter her house and rape, rob and possibly kill her?

I thank God that my wife didn’t find this page looking for marriage/dating advice

So, first, are you saying that your wife is so gullible that a post from a stranger on a forum, pointing out that marriage, including a mixed marriage, is risky would have put her off dating you? Because, if we’re talking about “out there” responses, this seems to qualify. Again, must my opinion… Second, but have you considered that maybe you are a bit defensive on the issue of mixed marriages and this might be influencing your negative experiences? Of course, I could be wrong, but it’s a thought.

 

[TC3033]

So, first, are you saying that your wife is so gullible that a post from a stranger on a forum, pointing out that marriage, including a mixed marriage, is risky would have put her off dating you? Because, if we’re talking about “out there” responses, this seems to qualify.

Eh, at 19-20 years old and early on in the dating process coming to a website asking for advice I’m sure wouldn’t sway a person’s opinion at all. I mean…how many times do we see that young people believe what they read on the internet…next to never I guess, so you’re right. I guess if nobody coming here for advice (in this case on mixed marriage) never accepts it…I wonder why so many people spend so much time on the doom and gloom stories and telling them to breakup now.

negative experiences?

Who’s having a negative experience?

I just think comparing a Catholic entering marriage with a non-Catholic to that of making the decision to get behind the wheel of a car intoxicated somewhat…interesting, at best.¯_(ツ)_/¯

 

[ConstantLearner]

However, I started to be worried recently, not sure if it will be hard as a Catholic-atheist marriage and family life. And, how do I know if he is the one God wants for me?

Since you are so active in the Catholic church, of course it will be extremely hard and divisive. He will not approve of your activities at church, won’t want to hear about them, and may even come to resent any time you spend there. You might wonder why he can’t see that G-d exists, if not through theology, then through science. You begin to focus more and more on this division because it is so personal and important to both of you. Common interests recede into the background.

I once had an atheist friend, and I eventually ended the friendship because I couldn’t stand his constant disnelief in G-d. He didn’t even want to give believing a chance, and that was his right. (I don’t want to try atheism, after all.) We can’t force faith on someone Now would have friends from among atheists, if they were nice about my own theistic stance, but I’d never become romantically involved with an atheist. I want someone I can talk with about my faith, someone I can share reading material with, synagogue activities and worship with, etc., because my faith is the foundation of my life.

The above is just my experience. No one here can really assess your situation or say whether or not a mixed marriage will work for you. Only you can do that.