Married 7 months and having a family dilemma

[dixieagle]

Ouch! That has to sting. I know a lot of members here will say just to “suck it up” and that your parents are right “their house, their rules”. I agree 100% with you. You ARE married now and there is no reason for you and your husband to sleep separate.

Tell you what. Go ahead and do what you’ve been doing just to please your parents. When you get a place and they come to visit, tell them “Mom, you’ll be sleeping in here, and oh, dad, you get the guest room…our house, our rules.”

This made me laugh out loud. I think you have the same sense of humor I do.

 

[Lorelei12]

I agree that this is really weird and not a good situation for your marriage. And that you parents probably do want to make things uncomfortable for you so that you move out. I am interested to know whether they informed you about the rooming situation before you moved in, or after?

Personally, I’d only move in with my parents if we were absolutely desperate and would end up on the street otherwise. You can live on one income- it’s not easy but I think you need to figure out how in order to get yourselves out of this situation. If your husband was laid off, he should be collecting unemployment, and that combined with your income and any outside aid you need/can secure should be enough to get you at the very least a small studio apartment, which is better than what you have now.

Not that I condone what your parents have asked of you, but try to consider their generosity- they have not just you, but also now your husband moving back into their home, using their water, laundry machine, eating food, taking up space in the driveway, etc. I hope that you and your husband are contributing as much to the household chores as you can, and making yourselves easy to live with. I’m sure it’s weird to think of their daughter being intimate under their roof (and I do think they should not have said yes if it made them that uncomfortable) but I’d think it would be kind of weird the other way around, too. I think my husband and I would feel strange doing anything in either set of parents’ houses.

Start formulating a plan with your husband as soon as possible- look for places to live on your income and his unemployment rather than waiting until he finds a job. That could take longer than you expect. As a side note, I’d always suggest living on one person’s income anyway, that way when something like this happens it’s not life-altering. That might be something to consider going forward.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t often comment on CAF, but having been in a very similar situation to yours, I felt obligated. My wife and I got married a little over 2 years ago (we were both 21) and after I graduated from college, I had trouble finding a job. I was able to get a barely above minimum wage job while I continued my search for a career job, but it didn’t pay nearly enough to cover an apartment/expenses. So, for 5 months we lived in my old room at my parents house until I found my current career job.

I feel I must speak frankly here and I truly hope to not offend you. This situation is dangerous to your marriage. It will create a permanent wound in the relationship between your husband and your parents (and possibly yourself). You MUST take up for your husband in this situation. If my parents had imposed these “rules” on us when we lived with them, I would have done several things. 1. I would have prevented my wife from EVER finding out that they tried to do so, because she would have been devastated/heartbroken. 2. I would have found a way to live on our own immediately, even if it meant working a couple jobs or finding a whole in the wall with a bed to live. 3. I probably would have been unable to have a real relationship with my parents until they adequately explained their rejection of my marriage or showed true contrition for doing so.

I think all spouses at some time in their marriage have to stand up to their own parents for the good of their spouse. When we get married, we leave our own family behind and are cleaved to our spouse. From that point on, our decisions must be for the good of our spouse even when it conflicts with the will of our parents. My advise is to have a frank discussion with your parents about why they are asking this of you (without your husband present). My hope is that all they need is a firm and honest talk about how you both want to work hard, are intent on finding jobs, are thankful for their help, and HAVE to live out your sacramental marriage, whether under their roof or not. If the talk fails, then you have 2 options: you can disobey your parents and sleep with your husband against their wishes or you can leave their house. If you choose option 1 and they kick you out, you end up with option 2, which is what I would recommend anyway. The most important thing in this situation is to be totally on your husband’s side. Make sure that whatever happens, he knows that you are married to him and your parents will not be allowed to come between you.

I will pray for you and your marriage in this incredibly difficult time. My marriage has had difficult times as well, and I promise that yours will be all the stronger as long as you stay close to one another during the hard times.

This does not have to “create a permanent wound in the relationship between your husband and your parents”. That would be a choice, and a very unfortunate choice. In the relations between in-laws, there is no better policy than to be eager to overlook slights whenever possible and to be gracious about those that must be addressed directly. If the slights are meant, it foils them. If the slights are not meant, it shows compassion for the clumsiness of them.

You are right, however, that this is a conflict that ought to be handled by the spouse who is the child of the parents, not the in-law. There is nothing wrong with treating it as a conflict, nor anything wrong with the OP telling her parents that she thinks her parents have given the OP and her husband a bait-and-switch. There is nothing wrong with coming out and asking what on earth they can mean by putting such a limitation on a couple that is married in the eyes of the Church. It ought to be done respectfully, it ought to be done with the resolution to really listen with compassion and to try to read between the lines for messages the parents are too embarrassed to voice, but there is nothing wrong with saying, “Mom. Dad. You have to be kidding. We are married…”

Personally, I’d probably live with it for the amount of time it took to find a place of our own, no matter how small and unfurnished it was. I would then kid my parents about the incident mercilessly for the rest of our lives.

 

[Jeff415]

This does not have to “create a permanent wound in the relationship between your husband and your parents”. That would be a choice, and a very unfortunate choice. In the relations between in-laws, there is no better policy than to be eager to overlook slights whenever possible and to be gracious about those that must be addressed directly. If the slights are meant, it foils them. If the slights are not meant, it shows compassion for the clumsiness of them.

You are right, however, that this is a conflict that ought to be handled by the spouse who is the child of the parents, not the in-law. There is nothing wrong with treating it as a conflict, nor anything wrong with the OP telling her parents that she thinks her parents have given the OP and her husband a bait-and-switch. There is nothing wrong with coming out and asking what on earth they can mean by putting such a limitation on a couple that is married in the eyes of the Church. It ought to be done respectfully, it ought to be done with the resolution to really listen with compassion and to try to read between the lines for messages the parents are too embarrassed to voice, but there is nothing wrong with saying, “Mom. Dad. You have to be kidding. We are married…”

Personally, I’d probably live with it for the amount of time it took to find a place of our own, no matter how small and unfurnished it was. I would then kid my parents about the incident mercilessly for the rest of our lives.

I will qualify my statement. What I meant was that this could cause permanent damage if the OP’s husband feels that the OP is not completely on his side and standing up for him. I didn’t mean to imply that the damage is inevitable.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will qualify my statement. What I meant was that this could cause permanent damage if the OP’s husband feels that the OP is not completely on his side and standing up for him. I didn’t mean to imply that the damage is inevitable.

I agree–that is, the wise married couple does not hold it against in-laws when those in-laws are irrational or unfair (just because life is better for the forgiving, not that it is excusable for the relatives to act that way) but spouses ought to always feel their spouse has their back against all who would come between them, even relatives. Your spouse ought to trust you to go to bat for him, and you should be the one who takes the point on behalf of your one life on conflicts with your family. Yes, I’d agree with that totally.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi all. I am new to the his forum and also also have been married for 7 months. My husband and I are both 21 and attend mass every week. We have no children yet and as of right now, I work and my husband was recently laid off from his job but actively seeking employment.

Here’s the dilemma. Since we are living on just one income, we asked my parents if it was ok if we moved in with them just until we get back on our feet. They, of course, took us in which we are grateful for. The problem? My parents refuse to let us sleep in the same room! I am in my old bedroom and my husband is in the guest room. I have asked them about this and they just said, “our house, our rules”.

I know there is not much I can do at this point but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks

I wonder a couple of things. Where is this taking place? Is there a cultural issue because this is odd.
and also have you considered the idea that your parents may be situating themselves in your marriage bed in order to try to stop you from having children.

regardless, this is a very unhealthy and borderline incestuous situation.

Get out. And know that this will not be the only issue you have with your parents. I feel bad for you but for your husband more, who has been in effect neutered or rendered impotent by his in laws. For a man looking for work already, that has to be unbelievably scarring.

 

[LongingSoul]

I’m curious as to how many of us are of the OP’s parents age with children of the OPs age?

I kind of identify with the parents in that I’d be thinking this could become an all to comfortable way out for a person who probably shouldn’t have got married so soon. If the daughter were to get pregnant which is the proper Catholic way… there’s even less chance that they will be on thier feet quickly… leaving Grandma and Grandad to be looking after not only their own child who isn’t making it in the world on their own two feet… but a new baby as well.

Also, is it really all that weird that we don’t want to listen to our children having sex in a nearby room? I know myself having been married 26 years and having visited my parents numerous times over those years… I’d rather just wait til we got back home so as not to make the uncomfortable situation of all the sex noises in the next room to my parents. I think of it as a respect thing.

I think it wise all around to get on your feet as soon as possible, OP, and move out. I would probably do a similar thing to your parents with my 21 year old ‘married but still dependent’ child.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m curious as to how many of us are of the OP’s parents age with children of the OPs age? I am.

I kind of identify with the parents in that I’d be thinking this could become an all to comfortable way out for a person who probably shouldn’t have got married so soon. What makes you say that about people you don’t even know? Her husband had a job when they got married and was recently laid off. Would you be saying the same thing if they were 25 or even 30? Their age is not the point here. If the daughter were to get pregnant which is the proper Catholic way… there’s even less chance that they will be on thier feet quickly… leaving Grandma and Grandad to be looking after not only their own child who isn’t making it in the world on their own two feet…that is not a very nice thing to say. but a new baby as well.

Also, is it really all that weird that we don’t want to listen to our children having sex in a nearby room? I know myself having been married 26 years and having visited my parents numerous times over those years… I’d rather just wait til we got back home so as not to make the uncomfortable situation of all the sex noises in the next room to my parents. I think of it as a respect thing. sounds more like your own quirk than respect. You don’t want to hear OR be heard. Kind of immature sounding of an adult to say.

I think it wise all around to get on your feet as soon as possible, OP, and move out. I would probably do a similar thing to your parents with my 21 year old ‘married but still dependent’ child.

Maybe if you resent helping your 21 year old “child,” you would do them a bigger and kinder favor by just saying no to them.

Making them sleep in separate rooms is totally disrespectful of their marriage.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m curious as to how many of us are of the OP’s parents age with children of the OPs age?

I kind of identify with the parents in that I’d be thinking this could become an all to comfortable way out for a person who probably shouldn’t have got married so soon. If the daughter were to get pregnant which is the proper Catholic way… there’s even less chance that they will be on thier feet quickly… leaving Grandma and Grandad to be looking after not only their own child who isn’t making it in the world on their own two feet… but a new baby as well.

Also, is it really all that weird that we don’t want to listen to our children having sex in a nearby room? I know myself having been married 26 years and having visited my parents numerous times over those years… I’d rather just wait til we got back home so as not to make the uncomfortable situation of all the sex noises in the next room to my parents. I think of it as a respect thing.

I think it wise all around to get on your feet as soon as possible, OP, and move out. I would probably do a similar thing to your parents with my 21 year old ‘married but still dependent’ child.

You feel the way to not make it too "comfortable for the “child” is to insert yourself in their intimate sex lives as their parents?

That sounds just plain old disturbing if you ask me.

 

[Aaron_Brrr]

Are either of you paying any kind of rent or helping out with bills? If you are and are in the US, then the statement “Our house, our rules”, does not really apply as you could be tenants and not guests.

 

[LongingSoul]

Maybe if you resent helping your 21 year old “child,” you would do them a bigger and kinder favor by just saying no to them.

Making them sleep in separate rooms is totally disrespectful of their marriage.

When you look at the thread, apart from EasterJoy, most people believe the parents to be anywhere from strange to ‘incestuous’ and really that may not be the case in reality.

There are a number of things that can impact on this situation from the maturity of the child … her relationship overall with the parents … the history of this family in general. I know myself that my youngest who is 20 and female is a really mature girl, but my two boys who are 23 and 22 are markedly more immature. One of them does have a history of bullying behaviour towards us and we have struggled to hold our ground without outright kicking him out on the streets.

I’m not saying this is the case here… just that there are many different elements that could be behind this stance that are not necessarily that the parents are strange, evil or ‘incestuous’.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m not saying this is the case here… just that there are many different elements that could be behind this stance that are not necessarily that the parents are strange, evil or ‘incestuous’.

I would think that everyone here would agree that parents can and should feel like they can help their children out of the nest. But I would hope that you can see beyond your sympathy for the parents and see that separating a husband and wife sexually as a condition of shelter is indeed strange, evil, and incestuous.

Please, if you can make the argument where the parents are acting Holy, do so. There is a huge difference between not doing the laundry for them to make them too comfortable and virtually physically separating the marital bed of their daughter.

My guess, is there is WAY WAY more to this situation than we know.

 

[LongingSoul]

I would think that everyone here would agree that parents can and should feel like they can help their children out of the nest. But I would hope that you can see beyond your sympathy for the parents and see that separating a husband and wife sexually as a condition of shelter is indeed strange, evil, and incestuous.

Please, if you can make the argument where the parents are acting Holy, do so. There is a huge difference between not doing the laundry for them to make them too comfortable and virtually physically separating the marital bed of their daughter.

My guess, is there is WAY WAY more to this situation than we know.

Parents or any homeowner really, has a right to make the rules in their own home according to what suits them. I would certainly hope that noone felt themselves on a ‘holy mission’ to encourage my children to demand that my desires are irrelevant because they have more holy rights.

 

[LongingSoul]

Are either of you paying any kind of rent or helping out with bills? If you are and are in the US, then the statement “Our house, our rules”, does not really apply as you could be tenants and not guests.

I think this would be a disasterous attitude to take towards your parents, OP.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Parents or any homeowner really, has a right to make the rules in their own home according to what suits them. I would certainly hope that noone felt themselves on a ‘holy mission’ to encourage my children to demand that my desires are irrelevant because they have more holy rights.

You think the parents are within their moral rights to involve themselves in the marriage bed of their daughter?

Can you just come out and say that the parents really should not do that? Or are you willing to overlook that bit of inhumane treatment of a married couple because of sympathy to the parent’s position?

 

[EasterJoy]

…separating a husband and wife sexually as a condition of shelter is indeed strange, evil, and incestuous…

Strange? Evil? Incestuous? (?!?) That’s more than a little extreme. I would hazard to guess that over the course of history many shelters open to the general public have separated men from women and children as a matter of course. It is no long-term solution, but it really doesn’t kill anyone in the short term. It most certainly does not imply anything like an inappropriate sexual intent between the hosts and those being hosted!!!

 

[FrenzyJen]

Living at home while newly married is awful enough without them pulling this nonsense. They don’t WANT to be there, and this is just making it terrible for the newlyweds,

OP, can you shed some light on why your parents might have made this arrangement?

 

[EasterJoy]

You think the parents are within their moral rights to involve themselves in the marriage bed of their daughter?

Can you just come out and say that the parents really should not do that? Or are you willing to overlook that bit of inhumane treatment of a married couple because of sympathy to the parent’s position?

They’re not insisting that she sleep with them. Good grief. Maybe there are just certain realities they are not quite ready to face.

Has no one here ever seen the father of a bride look something less than thrilled at his daughter’s wedding? It is not incestuous to have trouble realizing how fast the last 20 years have gone by!!! (“If she is old enough to be married, good heavens, how old does that make us? Ready to be grandparents!?! EEEEK!”)

 

[LongingSoul]

You think the parents are within their moral rights to involve themselves in the marriage bed of their daughter?

Can you just come out and say that the parents really should not do that? Or are you willing to overlook that bit of inhumane treatment of a married couple because of sympathy to the parent’s position?

Parents or anyone who’s home has been opened up to another in time of need… have every right in the world to make rules according to their own comfort. If the invited guests don’t like those rules they are free to live elsewhere.

 

[EasterJoy]

Are either of you paying any kind of rent or helping out with bills? If you are and are in the US, then the statement “Our house, our rules”, does not really apply as you could be tenants and not guests.

A person paying to share someone else’s actual living quarters is in a different legal situation than a person renting or even squatting in separate quarters from where the landlord resides.

Besides, what are they going to do? Sue her parents for the right to sleep together? You’re kidding, right? (Have you ever been married?)