Married 7 months and having a family dilemma

[Irishmom2]

Wisdom comes from good choices; good choices come from experience; experience comes from bad choices.

Sorry, not always true.

 

[LongingSoul]

Did you really just compare a married adult’s need to live out a normal, private, and yes, conjugal relationship to a teenager who wants to smoke pot?

Here’s the deal, I’m married. My husband comes first. He will be the father of my children. If my parents rejected our marriage and tried to prevent me from being a wife, and prevent him from being a husband, they would be choosing to remove themselves from that kind of close relationship with us and our children. It’s a pretty strong statement to make about their marriage to force them to sleep apart, and it should not go unanswered. And trying to prevent sex? That can be extremely hard on a marriage, especially a new one.

They are acting completely out of selfishness, and they’re placing their discomfort with their married daughter’s sex life above marriage.

Tell me exactly how this is all justifiable?

Honestly I think its a shame that there wasn’t more understanding advice given to the OP in the first place (which I think EasterJoy did well). There are many scenarios that good be at play here and I don’t think inciting the OP to see her parents wishes as an incestuous thing to be very ethical. That’s all I’m going to say on the thread now.

 

[otjm]

Sorry, not always true.

Oh - definitely not. Fools never learn. It is the wise man who learns from his mistakes.

But wisdom usually comes from something other than thin air, or contemplating one’s navel…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Honestly I think its a shame that there wasn’t more understanding advice given to the OP in the first place (which I think EasterJoy did well). There are many scenarios that good be at play here and I don’t think inciting the OP to see her parents wishes as an incestuous thing to be very ethical. That’s all I’m going to say on the thread now.

Oh please. One person said incestuous, and none of us agreed. If you can’t respond to my arguments, that’s fine. But don’t expect me to defend a position that I don’t hold.

 

[LongingSoul]

Oh please. One person said incestuous, and none of us agreed. If you can’t respond to my arguments, that’s fine. But don’t expect me to defend a position that I don’t hold.

I’m not sure why you feel so affronted? I didn’t attack your position at all. I had been having a dialogue regarding Hoosierdaddys position.

 

[EasterJoy]

Honestly I think its a shame that there wasn’t more understanding advice given to the OP in the first place (which I think EasterJoy did well). There are many scenarios that good be at play here and I don’t think inciting the OP to see her parents wishes as an incestuous thing to be very ethical. That’s all I’m going to say on the thread now.

Still, indignation is not out of place. I wouldn’t blame the OP for feeling indignant. She is a grown woman and a married woman. I’d just ask her to consider that this business of having your child become an adult with the duties and privileges of marriage can be very difficult. It can seem as if it happens impossibly fast. After all, it was protect, protect, protect for years and years with a vigilance that seems like a suicide watch some times, even when your child is simply making her innocent way through this perilous world without ever giving you any actual trouble. This is particularly true of the fathers of daughters. Those guys grab the hem of St. Joseph and have to hang on tight.

Once the OP has had a mobile child for two years, she’ll understand. In the meantime, it is good to be gracious about breaking the news to Mom and Dad that you have truly crossed that busy freeway that was adolescence and have made it into adulthood and a chaste marriage. Be easy on them–you may have been an angel of a child, and yet for them and their imagination, the ride was both wild and yet over impossibly soon. Give them a little time to find their sea legs. They’ll catch up.

In the mean time, take the most care about how your husband is feeling about this. Get the first place of your own that you can. I’ve never heard of a couple that regretted it, even when the first place is something they’d hardly have considered when they were single. Being able to say “ours” is a great home improvement!

 

[Rau]

Hi all. I am new to the his forum and also also have been married for 7 months. My husband and I are both 21 and attend mass every week. We have no children yet and as of right now, I work and my husband was recently laid off from his job but actively seeking employment.

Here’s the dilemma. Since we are living on just one income, we asked my parents if it was ok if we moved in with them just until we get back on our feet. They, of course, took us in which we are grateful for. The problem? My parents refuse to let us sleep in the same room! I am in my old bedroom and my husband is in the guest room. I have asked them about this and they just said, “our house, our rules”.

I know there is not much I can do at this point but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks

Ok, so don’t sleep together. Take turns visiting with each other when you wish, and return to your assigned room for sleeping.

 

[JacquesMaritain]

I wonder if this is really on the level. I mean seriously. if you can afford an internet connection every month surely you can afford to rent a hotel room once in a while for the necessary privacy to engage in the “marital act”. in my city you can rent a room for 30 bucks a night. its hard for me to believe that privacy is that expensive. if you live with someone else they set the rules. its just that simple, all mystical talk about the sacredness of the marital bond notwithstanding. if they want to engage in the marital act in privacy, fine. buy the privacy it isn’t expensive.

Jacques (who is puzzled about all of this because it really isn’t all that hard)

 

[LongingSoul]

Still, indignation is not out of place. I wouldn’t blame the OP for feeling indignant. She is a grown woman and a married woman.

I had read the first page or two without any strong need to make a contribution, but as the motives of the parents were painted in a more and more heinous way, I just felt the need to give a different perspective that while not denying the confusion and indignance of the OP… also reminds that parents have put in a lot of hard yards and sometimes kids these days have a sense of entitlement that extends right into the lives of others… especially their parents. I say this out of painful current experience. Parents can be doing their best to do the right thing and all the childs mates can see those parents as the most evil and controlling parents alive. Not a thing you can do but wear it. I mentioned the sense of entitlement regarding marijuana because that is a battle we have lost now. My son whose friends parents allow them to smoke in the shed and whatnot, thinks we are unreasonable for disallowing it. We have literally given up the fight. He smokes it in the back and we just have to pretend not to know. Parents have no entitlement to make rules in their own home these days. Society thinks we are prudish and draconian. We don’t know much about the family history of the OP and her parents but if they find this as the only way that they can make it uncomfortable enough that the couple puts full effort into getting on their feet and moving out… I identify. I have tried so hard to be the best parent I could be but I failed with my one who feels completely entitled with regards to us and our home. Talking does not work with some kids. Some have to feel the pain to make the change away from the comfyness of Mum and Dads place. There is always two sides to a story.

 

[Rau]

If the parents offer of accommodation is conditional, so be it. They can offer what they like. If the conditions came later, that’s just rude. The children understandably regard the situation as bizarre. The OP has provided surprisingly little info. She must have an inkling of the reason for the restrictions. And the OP is notably absent from the thread… And is brand new to CAF. Just sayin’…

 

[EasterJoy]

I had read the first page or two without any strong need to make a contribution, but as the motives of the parents were painted in a more and more heinous way, I just felt the need to give a different perspective that while not denying the confusion and indignance of the OP… also reminds that parents have put in a lot of hard yards and sometimes kids these days have a sense of entitlement that extends right into the lives of others… especially their parents. I say this out of painful current experience. Parents can be doing their best to do the right thing and all the childs mates can see those parents as the most evil and controlling parents alive. Not a thing you can do but wear it. I mentioned the sense of entitlement regarding marijuana because that is a battle we have lost now. My son whose friends parents allow them to smoke in the shed and whatnot, thinks we are unreasonable for disallowing it. We have literally given up the fight. He smokes it in the back and we just have to pretend not to know. Parents have no entitlement to make rules in their own home these days. Society thinks we are prudish and draconian. We don’t know much about the family history of the OP and her parents but if they find this as the only way that they can make it uncomfortable enough that the couple puts full effort into getting on their feet and moving out… I identify. I have tried so hard to be the best parent I could be but I failed with my one who feels completely entitled with regards to us and our home. Talking does not work with some kids. Some have to feel the pain to make the change away from the comfyness of Mum and Dads place. There is always two sides to a story.

Well, yes, parents not only have the right but have the obligation to make the rules in their own home. In most states, the homeowner is liable to be charged for illicit property they knew was being kept on their property. It is a matter of, “Well, call me a prude, if you want, but until the cops stop being prudes, this is 125% non-negotiable.” I would not be above coming around when I smell them lighting up and saying, “If you guys wanted to sneak around and lie to me about what you’re up to, you certainly picked a stinky habit for it. You have 30 seconds to get that stuff off this property or have it confiscated. No guff.”

You haven’t failed any more than the father of the Prodigal Son failed. The best parenting in the world does not automatically turn out children who accept and follow wise paths.

As for the OP, she was invited to move back in without being told that the invitation wouldn’t recognize her valid marriage. Yes, her parents are entitled to make whatever arbitrary rules they want, since it is their house, but they ought to have given her a major heads up on that “condition.” That would have given her the option of negotiating with or refusing their hospitality before accepting what turned out to be a pig in a poke.

You might tell your son, his friends, AND those friends’ parents, BTW, that pot smoking in youth has been associated with poor outcomes later in life. This isn’t prejudice or prudishness. It is science:
npr.org/blogs/health/2014/02/25/282631913/marijuana-may-hurt-the-developing-teen-brain

Draw that line again. You can do it, you’re entitled to do it, and I think you’ll be glad you did. Just tell him, “I’ve told you not to smoke here, and you’ve been doing it, anyway. That is going to stop. This is not negotiable, so please spare us both the drama of objecting. If I find that stuff here again, I’m taking it away and getting rid of it, and I won’t be asking for your permission.” What your son does with your choice, let that be his choice. Letting him use illicit substances does not preserve your relationship with him. Ask the parents at Al-Anon meetings; they can tell you.

 

[LongingSoul]

As for the OP, she was invited to move back in without being told that the invitation wouldn’t recognize her valid marriage. Yes, her parents are entitled to make whatever arbitrary rules they want, since it is their house, but they ought to have given her a major heads up on that “condition.” That would have given her the option of negotiating with or refusing their hospitality before accepting what turned out to be a pig in a poke.

The thing is that I don’t automatically accept that this is the only scenario that could possibly explain it. The OP asked the parents if they could come live with them because they were broke which puts many parents in a quandry. Many adult children do continue to feed off the parents even when they don’t live at home, borrowing money or using them for daycare. Many parents find that hard to say no to as they could easily do with any other adult person. (I know that from my son. He doesn’t accept my rules because many people, even governments say that marijuana is so beneficial it can be justified as ‘medicine’.) So what option are you left with. Make it less then comfortable so as the child wants to get on his own feet and move out. That has nothing to do with not recognising her valid marriage. It is to do with the quandry that many many parents face all the time and yes through our own ignorance and weakness we have allowed these adult children to have a sense of entitlement to feed off us. We do have to wear the blame for that failure. But the safety net here is that parents do have rights to make rules even rules that compensate for their past weaknesses in raising children that should be hardworking, independent and thoughtful of their parents needs. Just because a parent is weak and ineffective, does not completely abrogate their right to make rules for those who are benefitting from their charity.

This case is not automatically a case of incestuous parents, who don’t recognise a marriage, who should be cast as evil and unjust. It doesn’t actually kill a marriage to abstain in certain time from sleeping together. Otherwise marriages of mineworkers and military people who have weeks and months of separation, would be done for as a general rule. There are many scenarios possible and there are always two sides to every story.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This case is not automatically a case of incestuous parents, who don’t recognise a marriage, who should be cast as evil and unjust. It doesn’t actually kill a marriage to abstain in certain time from sleeping together. Otherwise marriages of mineworkers and military people who have weeks and months of separation, would be done for as a general rule. There are many scenarios possible and there are always two sides to every story.

I agree, and there may be other scenarios we do not know. My point is that it MAY very well be incestuous, and it most certainly is definitely wrong of the parents to do under any circumstances. Now, what the conditions of the situation are exactly and what the young married couple could do better are all debatable. The only thing that isn’t really debatable is the OPs original point in the post. If they should not engage in loud chandelier swinging sex, and get a job is not really the issue here. And until the OP clarifies, we are all just blowing smoke anyway. I can tell you as someone who is married, and has intrusive parents that what the OP is describing does indeed raise some odd sexual flags from the parents end. If they are trying to send a message that they do not approve of the marriage, age, or possibility of children, what they are doing will damage the marriage of those involved and also a future aspect of family especially if kids are involved.

 

[Rau]

…
This case is not automatically a case of incestuous parents, who don’t recognise a marriage, who should be cast as evil and unjust. It doesn’t actually kill a marriage to abstain in certain time from sleeping together. Otherwise marriages of mineworkers and military people who have weeks and months of separation, would be done for as a general rule. There are many scenarios possible and there are always two sides to every story.

We don’t know the parents’ motivation. None of the posited explanations is supported by any evidence. None of the posited explanations seem, to me, to be an adequate justification for the no sex rule. What does seem sure is the parents have behaved badly in not being upfront, and giving no explanation.

 

[LongingSoul]

I agree, and there may be other scenarios we do not know. My point is that it MAY very well be incestuous, and it most certainly is definitely wrong of the parents to do under any circumstances. Now, what the conditions of the situation are exactly and what the young married couple could do better are all debatable. The only thing that isn’t really debatable is the OPs original point in the post. If they should not engage in loud chandelier swinging sex, and get a job is not really the issue here. And until the OP clarifies, we are all just blowing smoke anyway. I can tell you as someone who is married, and has intrusive parents that what the OP is describing does indeed raise some odd sexual flags from the parents end. If they are trying to send a message that they do not approve of the marriage, age, or possibility of children, what they are doing will damage the marriage of those involved and also a future aspect of family especially if kids are involved.

But my point is that it is not just legally necessary but it is also godly to respect the rights and wishes of a parent within their own home. It is also wrong in every circumstance to smoke cigarettes but if the Dad wants to smoke in the house when his daughter has come home to live because she is broke… it is his right to do so. The daughter as an adult, can leave and live somewhere else, but to encourage her to feel that her rights as a married person trump her parents rights to make rules about their property, I believe is encouraging a selfish, indulgent and entitled not to mention ungodly attitude in her.

 

[LongingSoul]

We don’t know the parents’ motivation. None of the posited explanations is supported by any evidence. None of the posited explanations seem, to me, to be an adequate justification for the no sex rule. What does seem sure is the parents have behaved badly in not being upfront, and giving no explanation.

That’s right we don’t know the parents motivation but HD is positing that the inalienable given is the daughters right to sleep with her husband in the parents house. Her individual right should trump the rights of the parents in other words. I’m saying no… the inalienable given is the parents/homeowners right to have rules regarding the conditions of living in their home (unless they are illegal). This is aside from what motivation the parents have.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

But my point is that it is not just legally necessary but it is also godly to respect the rights and wishes of a parent within their own home. It is also wrong in every circumstance to smoke cigarettes but if the Dad wants to smoke in the house when his daughter has come home to live because she is broke… it is his right to do so. The daughter as an adult, can leave and live somewhere else, but to encourage her to feel that her rights as a married person trump her parents rights to make rules about their property, I believe is encouraging a selfish, indulgent and entitled not to mention ungodly attitude in her.

What an odd thought process.

 

[LongingSoul]

What an odd thought process.

If her parents or your parents for that matter, said they were coming to stay with you at your house but that as your parents they had the right to ask you to move out of the bed with your wife while you were there… I would be 10 thousand million billion times on your side. They are using their parental right outside of the bounds with adult children on the adult childrens property.

But if you ask to live with them by virtue of them being your parents and bearing some obligation and natural charity, to help you and then expect that they cannot make rules that apply within their house whether you like them or not (the OP does not mention that the parents have objected to their marriage and sex life apart from this situation), it is you that are overstepping the bounds of entitlement and rights and godliness.

 

[Rau]

That’s right we don’t know the parents motivation but HD is positing that the inalienable given is the daughters right to sleep with her husband in the parents house. Her individual right should trump the rights of the parents in other words. I’m saying no… the inalienable given is the parents/homeowners right to have rules regarding the conditions of living in their home (unless they are illegal). This is aside from what motivation the parents have.

Well, sure, but one could argue that it is the right of the home owner to make any number of unreasonable demands on house guests.

We are yet to arrive at any understanding of why the daughter’s expectations are unreasonable, or why the parents’ requirements might be reasonable!

 

[Rau]

But if you ask to live with them by virtue of them being your parents and bearing some obligation and natural charity, to help you and then **expect that they cannot make rules **that apply within their house whether you like them or not (the OP does not mention that the parents have objected to their marriage and sex life apart from this situation), it is you that are overstepping the bounds of entitlement and rights and godliness.

The OP expresses no such expectation that the parents cannot make rules. The OP is surprised (as I think most people would be) and asked for suggestions.