Married person going to lunch with non married person of opposite sex...question

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whatevergirl

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***I will leave out the details as to why I ask this question…we’ll get to it later…

I wanted to see objective answers to a very objective/general question.
  1. If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.
  2. If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
I am sorry for being vague, but I would like objective answers, and then I’ll share why I’m asking. :)***
 
While I can see this as OK in some limited circumstances, particularly if the lunch has a business purpose, I generally think it is inappropriate.

I don’t know what I’d think if the single person was gay or something like that.
 
Depends I guess…

I don’t see an issue with having lunch with someone because I know my strengths but I would say that it could be other married people of the opposite sex as well.

There was a person at work who was married and we got to know them and their wife so I initially thought nothing of him spending time with my wife. However he has other plans to the point that I basically had to tell him to back off and we pretty much ended our mutual friendship with them. I’m not sure his wife ever had a clue or even cared… they just had other moral beliefs that we did.

However I know days when I have been out different guys around the office, some I’m really close with and some I’m not have taken my wife to lunch and I’m good with that. I’ve gone to lunch with old HS friends, even ex girlfriends and my wife was ok with that. Probably because she knew every detail of the situation, when where etc…

We have 4 children under the age of 7 so it would be very difficult for either of us to find the time to participate in anything inappropriate.

To me it totally depends on the couple. Are the spouses confident in themselves and their spouses that they will nip any potential issues in the butt so to speak.

If NOT - and I mean doubts on EITHER side, don’t put or let your spouse put themselves in that situation where they can be tempted. What I’m saying is that even if I felt like I find with it but my wife wasn’t then I wouldn’t go and I would hope she would do that same (pretty sure she would :))

Joe
 
In the way you described (you don’t work directly with this person, you are not teaming on anything, don’t really know them)… I’d likely grab a friend and say “sure, hey, Sally - we are going over to such-and-thus, comeon !!” You can always find a third or fourth or fifth.

When it is someone I work directly with, for or am teamed with, I’d go to lunch with them, regardless of anyone’s marital status. I never turn down food 😃
 
Since I am married I have to answer to case one. 🙂

I would not accept the lunch date. The vibe I’m getting from your post is that the single person is “hitting on” the married person. I’m thinking that if I get the vibe just from your description, then I would get that vibe from the person doing the asking and I would decline.

OTOH, if we worked together on a project etc and it would be a natural extension at lunchtime - “Hey, do you want to grab something to eat?” then I would probably accept. I think I would have to ‘feel out’ the vibe I’m getting from the other person as to what their intentions are.

Hope that helps you! 🙂
 
  1. If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.
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Well, I’m not married. But no, in the exact circumstance you describe I wouldn’t accept that invitation. If a man that I didn’t work directly with or was already friends with were to go out of his way to ask to “take me to lunch” just the two of us, I’d consider that the same as being asked on a date and would (politely) decline.
  1. If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
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Yes, I have. BUT - only in two cases where I am friends with both the husbands and the wives. And I mean good friends. And my boyfriend is friends with both of them as well. And I either currently work or have worked in the past directly with both of the husbands. As I travel around a lot for my job, I’m often in a different part of the city around lunchtime everyday. If I happen to be in the neighborhood of either of these men’s office, I’ll call them up and ask if they want to meet for lunch. But I would never do that with a married person whose wife I wasn’t friends with and was SURE that she wouldn’t care. By the same token, I wouldn’t go out of my way to have lunch with a single man either unless we were working directly together and it was lunch time, etc. To go out of my way to do so would be the same as asking some one else on a date and my boyfriend wouldn’t care for that too much 😉
 
For me, it depends on the circumstances.

I like taking people out for lunch, coffee, or dessert, just to chit-chat - former students, people I know from Church, people my husband works with, old friends from school, etc. I consider them friends, and I want to get caught up. I wouldn’t see it as a “date” or anything like that, although sometimes I jokingly tell people that they are “a good date” if they happen to be especially considerate and kind to me.

But a near-stranger from work? It would really, really depend upon the reason. Did you do him a major favour, and he is making it up to you for your time and trouble? Is he seeking advice on how to advance himself at work? Is he wanting to cultivate an acquaintance with you to advance his networking opportunities in your department? 🤷

If it seems as if the person is just lonely, I might try to direct them to cultivate friendships in their own sex. And even if the purpose is for networking, I might try to get the person to network with people of their own sex, to begin with.
 
whatevergirl said:
I will leave out the details as to why I ask this question…we’ll get to it later…

I wanted to see objective answers to a very objective/general question.

1) If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.
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(I’m not married, so I hope I’m not horning in on this question.)

I can only imagine that the scenario above would make me really uncomfortable personally (not because I think it would be objectively wrong for me, a (hypothetically) married person to go out to lunch with a single person of the opposite gender, but ) because if I didn’t know this person really really well, or have some clear idea of what he wanted, I couldn’t help but be a bit worried about his motivation.

I guess, bottom line, I would be personally very uncomfortable with going out to lunch in this case without some clear, acceptable aim.
whatevergirl said:
2) If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
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No. Never*. And doing so would make me uncomfortable, because I’d be afraid of sending the wrong signals.

I have asked a married person of the opposite sex whom I’d known for some time and whose opinion I value for advice (men,:rolleyes: so hard to understand) but managed to do so briefly and discreetly (whilst leaving my place of work.)

(*Only exception, if I were related to the married person of the opposite sex-- i.e. he was my uncle.)
 
whatevergirl said:
***I will leave out the details as to why I ask this question…we’ll get to it later…

I wanted to see objective answers to a very objective/general question.
  1. If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.
  2. If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
I am sorry for being vague, but I would like objective answers, and then I’ll share why I’m asking. :)***
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Really depends on the tone of the overall relationship. FYI, I am a married man.

The person could be asking b/c they want some help/advice with work, and need to speak confidentially, or just to be friendly. Or, there could be something sinister.

If I had no indications there was anything inappropriate, and I liked the person, I would probably accept a friendly lunch. I wouldn’t let her pay for me, unless I was doing her some sort of favor.

God Bless
 
I would go to lunch with any male colleague at work that I knew very well, have worked with for years, and had a strong friendship with. I would know that we were having lunch because we are work friends, and I’d be completely comfortable. In a situation like that, I’d know the vibe was totally platonic.

In this situation, if a man I knew from work (but not well), and who I was not directly working with on any project asked me to lunch (and nobody else) I would immediate assume an ulterior motive.

However, I would *not * necessarily assume the ulterior motive was romantic or sexual. I would wonder if there was in fact some kind of workplace drama or under the table job offer involved. I mean it could be inappropriate, but it also could just be confidential.
 
whatevergirl said:
I will leave out the details as to why I ask this question…we’ll get to it later…

I wanted to see objective answers to a very objective/general question.

1) If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.

2) If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.

I am sorry for being vague, but I would like objective answers, and then I’ll share why I’m asking. 🙂
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First question: no, and second: although I am not single, I didn’t when I was single.
You actually have to be careful with the work scene, many affairs come out of workplace relationships. I am not saying not to have any, just to be careful. Even if you are having a meeting with a business purpose you should be careful. I never worked when married, but when I was single I did go to lunch alone once with my married boss, I was just careful. I can’t remember if I did it any other time. Then again, there are people whose job consists pretty much of wining and dining people either for fundraising, interviewing, etc, and so many times they may have to go out with a married person alone, and as long as certain boundaries are respected, I see no problem with that.
 
I trust my wife. If she told me she was planning on going to lunch with “Sam” or that she had been to lunch with “Sam” today I would have no problem with it.

Now if some gal asked me to go to lunch in the setting you describe I would decline. If I go to lunch I have to work later than if I take lunch at my desk.

That probably wasn’t a lot of help – sorry.
 
if the person inviting you were of the same sex, would it be natural to accept such an invitation, given the nature of the work relationship, or would it be out of the ordinary? Obviously one does not have to limit friendships only to those in your department, but otherwise, would you consider the invitation odd in that case? My advice if it were a young colleague at work asking me OP’s question was that prudence dictates when a group of mixed gender from work are going out to lunch, a larger group than one man and one women would avoid sending the wrong signals to anyone who might be observing, including one’s superiors.

would I be suspicious of a husband lunching with coworkers of either gender? not likely since it was part and parcel of his job when he was in technical marketing. Those relationships are still some of our strongest “couples” friends as well even years after he left this business. I once, when he was new at this company, saw him in a corner with a beautiful blonde colleague at a work event after hours. all potential jealously evaporated when I sauntered over and saw they were working calculus problems on the tablecloth. anything less likely to foster romance would be hard to imagine.
 
Angels_Unaware said:
In this situation, if a man I knew from work (but not well), and who I was not directly working with on any project asked me to lunch (and nobody else) I would immediate assume an ulterior motive.

However, I would *not *necessarily assume the ulterior motive was romantic or sexual. I would wonder if there was in fact some kind of workplace drama or under the table job offer involved. I mean it could be inappropriate, but it also could just be confidential.
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I was thinking this too, but I wouldn’t accept just to satisfy my curiosity of what the motive was, since I don’t even know if the motives are pure or not.
 
What does it matter if the other person is married or not? I run the Faith Formation dept at my parish, thusly I do not work a typical schedule and I do not go out to lunch much. My wife has a very typical corporate job and eats out often. 90% of the time it is with her best friend, but other times it is with her boss or another co-worker. I have no issues with it.
 
kage_ar said:
In the way you described (you don’t work directly with this person, you are not teaming on anything, don’t really know them)… I’d likely grab a friend and say “sure, hey, Sally - we are going over to such-and-thus, comeon !!” You can always find a third or fourth or fifth.

When it is someone I work directly with, for or am teamed with, I’d go to lunch with them, regardless of anyone’s marital status. I never turn down food 😃
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***lol 😃 you’re funny, kage.

Ok…let me paint the scenario…It’s me I’m talking about here, could anyone guess that? 😛

There is a guy who I used to work more often with last year. My role has changed a bit, I don’t interface with him anymore. He doesn’t work in my office either…he is based out of South Florida. I hardly ever see him, seriously…maybe once per quarter, if that.

I don’t know him all that well, but he can come across very…hmmm…arrogant at times. So, he has asked me to go to lunch before, way in the past, there was always a conference call I needed to jump on, so I never went. So fast forward to last week…he knocks on my door (my office door is shut at times, because I’m on sales calls all day, and it gets very noisy outside my door) and he was the last person I expected to see pop his head in. I said hey, bla bla…small talk. He started talking about a seminar he hosted, bla bla…more small talk.

Then, he said…have you eaten…why don’t you let me take you to lunch today?

I am not a bad judge of character, I don’t think? The way he looked at me, it was odd…took me aback. I had a conference call coming up…😃 (I really did) so I told him that. He said, with who? I said, it’s company wide, you should be on it too. :rolleyes: He said…ooooh yeah, that conference call.

So, here is the mistake I made…I could kick myself…I said…maybe another time. 🤷

He said…‘why don’t you send me an invitation, I’ll be up this way again in two weeks…week of the 18th…’ I didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, and said…well, nice seeing you…the whole thing was very odd.

I don’t feel good about this AT ALL. I am not one to rush to judgement of anyone…I actually am pretty liberal with these things. I have been in the situation of…you’re working on a project, and a few of us get together and have lunch. No big deal. I have had an occasional one on one lunch with married men, but there was a business reason behind it…never felt strange about it whatsoever.

Anyways, I have allowed this to eat at me over the weekend. I wouldn’t want my dh to go on a one on one with a single female colleague, if these were the surrounding details.

Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill…but you know, when you have that ‘bad’ feeling in the pit of your stomach? That’s how I feel about it.

So…should I just not send the invite, and let it go? He will be in the office in two weeks.

I ask myself, did I do something to solicit this, and I honestly didn’t. I’m not a flirty woman…I dress very modestly…😦 I hardly know this guy, and hardly see him. 🤷***
 
I won’t be married for 4 days, but I’ll answer anyhow 😛

1: It depends on the person asking and the situation. For example, there are some older (60’s), married men in my department with daughters my age who I don’t know, but am friendly with and if any of them asked me to lunch I’d absolutely take them up on the offer! I would probably be more suspicious of an invitation from a single person, or a married man who was higher on the totem pole than me.

2: Nope, but my soon-to-be-husband’s friends take me to lunch/etc without any scruples! My fiance is a pilot (gone a lot), so it’s not out-of-the-ordinary for his friends to call me and invite me out. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don’t, but I always tell my fiance about the invitations and whether or not I’ll be going. I doubt this pattern will stop once we tie the knot 👍

–
 
whatevergirl said:
  1. If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.
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It just seems to me that, in this scenario, the intent of the single person, in making it a point to ask you and you only to lunch, and asking in the manner you have illustrated, is looking to have a first date with you. So no, I wouldn’t accept that invite.
whatevergirl said:
  1. If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
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I don’t believe I have ever asked just a married person to join me for lunch or happy hour, unless it was a sister-in-law or an existing friendship and the husband knew me WELL.

The intent of the single person seems obvious to me on the little I know about the situation.
 
whatevergirl said:
So, here is the mistake I made…I could kick myself…I said…maybe another time. 🤷
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Sympathies. I have made this kind of mistake :o.
whatevergirl said:
I don’t feel good about this AT ALL.
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I would trust your gut. It strikes a false note for me that this man hasn’t made clear why he wants to go to lunch with you.

I mean, if it’s business-related, (even if not related to your job) there’s no reason for him not make that clear.

And it’s hard to imagine a purely social call between just a single and a married woman (no others) who don’t have any acceptable sort of “bond” (good friends, religious mentor, good friends from before marriage, relatives, etc.) that would have a good aim. (And I guess I don’t think of office politics are a good thing:shrug:.)

I would just not send the invitation and let it be. If challenged, I would say that after thinking about it, I found I just wasn’t comfortable with the notion.
 
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