Married person going to lunch with non married person of opposite sex...question

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Based on your gut instincts, and the scenario you’ve described, my feeling is that he is up to no good purpose…

Seems he’s now put the ball into your court with the “send me an invitation.” I think I would decline to hit it back!
 
whatevergirl said:
***Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill…but you know, when you have that ‘bad’ feeling in the pit of your stomach? That’s how I feel about it.

So…should I just not send the invite, and let it go? He will be in the office in two weeks.***
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Okay, I say trust your instincts and don’t send the invite. The way you framed the conversation, it seemed like general “Oh, maybe next time - yeah, next time!” chitchat, I wouldn’t worry about sending the invite if I were you. If he does bring it up (unlikely), just tell him you were busy/forgot/talk about busy-married-life things.

–
 
After reading your second post, I think you should listen to your heart. I don’t know you, but I think you probably have a well-formed conscience, and it may be telling you that going to lunch with him is not a good idea.
 
whatevergirl said:
***I will leave out the details as to why I ask this question…we’ll get to it later…

I wanted to see objective answers to a very objective/general question.
  1. If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex? If the person asked you…“Would you let me take you to lunch today?” Not a case of if the two people are working on a project together, and it’s a natural next step to maybe grab a bite somewhere close…but the single person sort of makes a point of stopping in to ask the married person for lunch–not a one time thing either. (The married person hardly ever sees this person, and doesn’t work with this person directly–knows the person through meetings, etc) Not as part of a group, just the two of you would be going to lunch.
  2. If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
I am sorry for being vague, but I would like objective answers, and then I’ll share why I’m asking. :)***
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As a single person, I would never ask a married woman out for lunch.

There was a period of 2 years when I had 2 female colleagues at work, both were just a few years younger than me, while everybody else was much older. Naturally, the three of us were friends. One of these ladies was married, the other one was single. The three of us often went together to have lunch at the dining facility of the workplace. But I never went to lunch with only one of these ladies. Taking the married lady to lunch would have seemed especially inappropriate to me, because it might have created gossip. And being older and more experienced with the dark side of people (propensity to gossip), I frankly would have avoided going to lunch with her only, even if she would have proposed that out of sheer naivete.

At another workplace, I had a married female colleague who, similarly to me, was from Transylvania. We could talk hours on end while working in the laboratory, but this laboratory was a public place, people were constantly coming and going, and we were never alone for longer than maybe 10-15 minutes. I never took this colleague for lunch, over a period of some 3 or 4 years. She was some 5 or 6 years younger than me and again, I was keenly aware that people could gossip, and I felt a burden for protecting her good name.
 
Angels_Unaware said:
I would go to lunch with any male colleague at work that I knew very well, have worked with for years, and had a strong friendship with. I would know that we were having lunch because we are work friends, and I’d be completely comfortable. In a situation like that, I’d know the vibe was totally platonic.

In this situation, if a man I knew from work (but not well), and who I was not directly working with on any project asked me to lunch (and nobody else) I would immediate assume an ulterior motive.

However, I would *not * necessarily assume the ulterior motive was romantic or sexual. I would wonder if there was in fact some kind of workplace drama or under the table job offer involved. I mean it could be inappropriate, but it also could just be confidential.
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Yes, we think alike on this. I don’t feel there is any ‘reason’ to have lunch. Now, I’m not the type of person to be suspicious off the bat…I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it was odd. It was what I remembered from when a guy would ask me to lunch/dinner back in college days…that is what it reminded me of…not a colleague innocently asking me to lunch. But, then, on the other hand, I could be way off base…but you know, when you know these things? I’m 40, not 20, I would hope I can judge situations. 😊

On your last point…no, I don’t think so. He works in the stock market, a realm I don’t really work in…I am in sales/marketing, and my role is to serve as a resource, and I did for a time. He is the kind of person, who gets very close when talking to me…I have to take a step OR TWO…back. :o It is rather disconcerting.

The blunt truth of it is…I don’t really want to go to lunch with him. I tend to eat at my desk alone, or go out once or twice a week with women friends. I’m picky about who I break bread with, female or male. lol 😃 I appreciate your sentiment, your posts, I enjoy…***
 
Joseph_L_Varga said:
As a single person, I would never ask a married woman out for lunch.

There was a period of 2 years when I had 2 female colleagues at work, both were just a few years younger than me, while everybody else was much older. Naturally, the three of us were friends. One of these ladies was married, the other one was single. The three of us often went together to have lunch at the dining facility of the workplace. But I never went to lunch with only one of these ladies. Taking the married lady to lunch would have seemed especially inappropriate to me, because it might have created gossip. And being older and more experienced with the dark side of people (propensity to gossip), I frankly would have avoided going to lunch with her only, even if she would have proposed that out of sheer naivete.

At another workplace, I had a married female colleague who, similarly to me, was from Transylvania. We could talk hours on end while working in the laboratory, but this laboratory was a public place, people were constantly coming and going, and we were never alone for longer than maybe 10-15 minutes. I never took this colleague for lunch, over a period of some 3 or 4 years. She was some 5 or 6 years younger than me and again, I was keenly aware that people could gossip, and I felt a burden for protecting her good name.
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Exactly…I don’t need gossip about me. I am known as very professional…I don’t want to be fodder for people’s rumor mills. People who are close to me here, close being a relative term, know I’m very happy in my marriage…I talk about my husband a lot…my kids.

I was taken aback too I suppose, because he is 10 yrs younger than me…I thought, this guy knows I’m married, how strange.

I appreciate your sentiment coming into this conversation as a single man…***
 
jmcrae said:
Ditto - God gave us instincts for self-preservation. Follow them! 🙂
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***Ok, whew. I’m glad that no one here thinks I’m overreacting. :o

Then there is this side of me that thinks…he knows I’m married, and that I have kids. If let’s say he did have a ‘motive,’ why me? 🤷

I think to myself if I were single…would I ask a married man to lunch, that I barely know, here at work? The answer would be no. I never asked men out when I was single, but let’s say that was something I was comfortable with…no way on earth would I ask a married man, I barely work with, have seen in meetings, and chatted on the phone a couple of times–out to a one on one lunch. So, there’s my answer, I suppose.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I usually don’t ask things like this, but I needed some objective opinions.***
 
whatevergirl said:
Yes, we think alike on this. I don’t feel there is any ‘reason’ to have lunch. Now, I’m not the type of person to be suspicious off the bat…I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it was odd. It was what I remembered from when a guy would ask me to lunch/dinner back in college days…that is what it reminded me of…not a colleague innocently asking me to lunch. But, then, on the other hand, I could be way off base…but you know, when you know these things? I’m 40, not 20, I would hope I can judge situations. 😊

On your last point…no, I don’t think so. He works in the stock market, a realm I don’t really work in…I am in sales/marketing, and my role is to serve as a resource, and I did for a time. He is the kind of person, who gets very close when talking to me…I have to take a step OR TWO…back. :o It is rather disconcerting.

The blunt truth of it is…I don’t really want to go to lunch with him. I tend to eat at my desk alone, or go out once or twice a week with women friends. I’m picky about who I break bread with, female or male. lol 😃 I appreciate your sentiment, your posts, I enjoy…***
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In that case, just don’t! You said he’s the arrogant type and when he popped his head end he was talking about a “seminar he recently did”. He probably just wants to preen his feathers and wants an admirer.

Just forget about the invitation and when he brings it up just act confused or bored and never commit to any plans. He’ll go away. 😉
 
peregrinator_it said:
Sympathies. I have made this kind of mistake :o.

I would trust your gut. It strikes a false note for me that this man hasn’t made clear why he wants to go to lunch with you.

I mean, if it’s business-related, (even if not related to your job) there’s no reason for him not make that clear.

And it’s hard to imagine a purely social call between just a single and a married woman (no others) who don’t have any acceptable sort of “bond” (good friends, religious mentor, good friends from before marriage, relatives, etc.) that would have a good aim. (And I guess I don’t think of office politics are a good thing:shrug:.)

I would just not send the invitation and let it be. If challenged, I would say that after thinking about it, I found I just wasn’t comfortable with the notion.
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***peregrinator…thank you for your comments. I’m just going to let it go…if I see him again, I’ll just say…I forgot.

You know…you say…I made that same mistake. Why do we women have a hard time just saying no? I guess that would sound so bizarre, no …but thank you for asking. 😃 I find myself angry about that aspect of it…why am I ‘afraid’ to appear unfriendly? 😦

Oh well, note to self…work on this!***
 
Angels_Unaware said:
In that case, just don’t! You said he’s the arrogant type and when he popped his head end he was talking about a “seminar he recently did”. He probably just wants to preen his feathers and wants an admirer.

Just forget about the invitation and when he brings it up just act confused or bored and never commit to any plans. He’ll go away. 😉
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Okay. Yes, I agree. 🙂
 
The classic “close talker” huh?😃

I think you’ve answered your own question right here.
whatevergirl said:
I don’t feel there is any ‘reason’ to have lunch. Now, I’m not the type of person to be suspicious off the bat…I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it was odd.
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***LOL–Every office has one right??? 😃

It’s like…I can hear you from here just fine, thanks. :o

I wanted to say to you all, it is SO refreshing and nice to be able to come here and ask these questions, and not be laughed at, etc…but, to have people give moral answers to such everyday situations. I have a friend who I asked her about it, and she was shocked that I had an issue with it. She acted like no big deal…just go…have fun…if nothing else, you’ll be flattered. :mad: I said…remind me again, why we’re friends? 🤷 Flattered by WHAT? :mad:

It soooo nice to have a smart group like you all to turn to, when people in my life just offer advice based on the culture around us. 😦

So, to you all of you…THANK YOU. :grouphug:***
 
Next time hand him a piece of gum, see how he reacts.

For future reference, just spill the details next time. No need in setting up the scenario, then applying it.

"I have this friend…let’s call her…Sherry…"LOL:D:p
whatevergirl said:
***LOL–Every office has one right??? 😃

It’s like…I can hear you from here just fine, thanks. :o***
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msugeotech said:
Next time hand him a piece of gum, see how he reacts.

For future reference, just spill the details next time. No need in setting up the scenario, then applying it.

"I have this friend…let’s call her…Sherry…"LOL:D:p
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ha–ok!
😃 I was debating whether or not to admit it was me. lol
 
There ya go. A little role playing to come up with the perfect answer…:D:thumbsup:
 
Sounds like you’re making the right choice here! If he ever does press the issue, just say, “I tend to be busy at work, I just eat at my desk” or even “As a married woman, I don’t like going out with single men.” Anything. Just say no.

Our priest, in marriage prep, told us never to go out to lunch alone with the opposite gender. He said he didn’t care how close they were, whether we were on a business trip, whatever, just find a third person or don’t go. Apparently a lot of affairs start that way.

That having been said, some people do this and are fine with it … I know my dad does, and he simply does not care for other women besides my mom. But I also know it does bother my mom all the same, so I would still not do it in his place. I have a feeling that I would mind if my husband went out with another woman without me. I’m not even married to him yet, and I admit I was annoyed when he told me that he went out to lunch with a girlfriend of mine when I was at work. I know the two of them were just waiting together for me to get off, but still … I didn’t like it. I didn’t think it was a “danger” to either of them – we all have the same friends and I know he is not attracted to any of our female friends – and yet I felt left out.
 
I see you’ve come up with your answer, but I just thought I’d chime in and say that trusting your instincts is really the best way to go. If it were me, I might even say something as clear as, “I’m sorry, but I’d be uncomfortable having lunch alone with a man other than my husband” - you don’t have to hide the fact that you think this lunch would be appropriate. I’ve said things like that to decline invitations here in Korea.

Having said that, though, I have gone out alone with married male colleagues, and with married male students when I was teaching adults. Generally, though, there were reasons for the invitation - the student wanted advice on how to improve their spoken English, wanted to pick my mind about job opportunities in Canada, something like that. Now that I’m planning to marry my boyfriend, I’d be much less comfortable with the idea. I still go out for lunch alone with my married male boss a couple of times a month, but then he invites all the employees out for lunch, and generally uses it as an opportunity to discuss plans for work, so I don’t consider it a problem.

Definitely, if I were in the situation you described, I’d turn down that invitation in a heartbeat.
 
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