Married person going to lunch with non married person of opposite sex...question

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I would never, never do that. I would be sad if my husband did.

I agree with the priest’s advice quoted above: that is a dangerous idea. It’s mentioned in Sirach, too, avoiding breaking bread with a woman not your wife. (And it would hold true for a woman with a man not her husband.)

So, yes, whatevergirl, I agree with your instincts! 😃

One of my husband’s and my friends from back in college lost his wife to an affair and divorce after just such a “work-related friendship” grew into something more. It did not even take very long. A couple of months, and she was gone. 😦
 
Jay53 said:
Since I am married I have to answer to case one. 🙂

I would not accept the lunch date. The vibe I’m getting from your post is that the single person is “hitting on” the married person. I’m thinking that if I get the vibe just from your description, then I would get that vibe from the person doing the asking and I would decline.

OTOH, if we worked together on a project etc and it would be a natural extension at lunchtime - “Hey, do you want to grab something to eat?” then I would probably accept. I think I would have to ‘feel out’ the vibe I’m getting from the other person as to what their intentions are.

Hope that helps you! 🙂
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Totally agree. Marrieds can go out to lunch with co-workers of the opposite sex with no issues at all. BUT when a gut-check suggests something else is up…lunch should and could be easily avoided.
 
The fact that you felt uneasy is a good indicator that this is a situation to be avoided.

JB
 
puzzleannie said:
all potential jealously evaporated when I sauntered over and saw they were working calculus problems on the tablecloth. anything less likely to foster romance would be hard to imagine.
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Annie, you’re not an engineer, I can just tell. 😃
 
whatevergirl said:
I wouldn’t want my dh to go on a one on one with a single female colleague, if these were the surrounding details.
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I wouldn’t want my husband doing this either and therefore I would not do the same. I wouldn’t be crazy if the woman was married either. I think in a business situation, there may be no way around it, but I think too much time alone with another person of the opposite sex is never a good idea.
 
***Thank you for your continued replies. I am not going, I’ve decided.

I am of the mindset, that it’s ‘ok’ for two people who work together, of the opposite sex, to go to lunch together…if there is some type of business relationship established…a strong one. I have had lunch in groups, mixed guys and women, no big deal. My gut spoke to me on this…I remember him saying as soon as he walked in…‘wow, it smells sooooo good in here.’ The whole thing was just weird. I am normally oblivious to people’s intentions:blush: but this day, I must have had my wheaties. lol I was very astute to the bad vibe I was getting.

So, while my dh trusts me…I trust him…the fact that I have a bad feeling about this–to go ahead and have lunch…why put myself in an awkward situation?

Thanks again for your replies…you guys are great. 👍***
 
I haven’t read all the replies – and I know you’ve decided not to attend. But one point that I always make in a similar situation is you never know who will be out and about and see you and start rumors – at least where I work that’s the case. I usually do not eat lunch with married men – unless it’s our bailiff who is more a grandpa figure. If I eat lunch with men, there’s always another woman around just for appearance’s sake.
 
My understanding is that two people cannot have lunch together unless they are married and open to the possibility of new food.
 
That dood doesn’t sound like anyone I’d like to eat with. It’s no business of his who you have a conference with. Tell him, “no, thank you,” finish the conversation, don’t allow him the time to make a move. If he starts being a pest, ask him if he’ll leave or if you need to call security. Unless you can send him off without such measures. After all, you never know with those nuts, how they will react if you really step on their toe.

As for the general rule, it differs between parts of the world, I guess. As a form of getting to know someone married better, I don’t think that’s appropriate because it’s too much like a date and relative strangers have no business asking married people of the opposite gender to lunch socially - as in when it’s not business, politics, whatever. When it’s catching up with friends or when it’s just having some company at a meal, I simply don’t care. I’m Catholic, not puritan. The commandment says I won’t sleep with a non-spouse, not I won’t have lunch with a married female friend.

Admittedly, however, such situations have a potential for feeling weird. If it feels bad, skip it, I guess.
 
you’re definitely not going to send an invite based on what i have read – good 👍
but if he does bring up the subject again, just say that your husband doesn’t like for you to dine with other men. then hopefully that will put the kabosh on all future invites from him.
 
**Thanks everyone. That’s a good one too chewchoo…blame dh! 😃 lol

I hope you all know I’m not a suspicious type…oh my gosh, what is this one or that one’s motive? lol It really had more to do with this particular circumstance, and his tone. **
 
I’m not married yet… but I say, go with what ever is comfortable with you. I go out with guys all the time but I always tell my fiance first to see if he has plans, or if he wants to come along, or even if he cares. We’re very open about this, and talk alot. There is a guy I work with that I go to lunch with alot. He is married, but close to my age and we have alot in common. We talk alot about our significant others 🙂 It really is nice. I think it totally depends on the person.
 
whatevergirl said:
***I will leave out the details as to why I ask this question…we’ll get to it later…

I wanted to see objective answers to a very objective/general question.
  1. If you are married, would you accept a lunch invitation with a single colleague of the opposite sex?
  2. If you are single, have you ever asked a married person of the opposite sex out to lunch…happy hour…anything? Not as part of a group–just the two of you.
I am sorry for being vague, but I would like objective answers, and then I’ll share why I’m asking. :)***
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  1. Sure. I’ve done it. A very attractive young woman, in fact. We had lunch together a few times. And I continue to have lunch with a single former co-worker often; we’re good friends despite the fact that we agree on virtually nothing politically, economically, or religiously (she’s a very liberal Christian Scientist).
  2. When I was single (and I was single a long time), I had lunch with married women (co-workers) frequently.
All pretty tame stuff, to be honest. However…I’ve always had the ability to sustain platonic friendships with women, though I know not everyone can do this, and just to be safe, I maintained a strict code of behavior, being the gentleman that I am.
 
  1. I would happily accept it, but I would talk it over with my wife. I would let her know EVERYTHING-just so that if someone we know sees something, they woudn’t assume anything.
  2. Sort of. Only asked if she wanted to grab a lunch because she was visibly upset. She said yes, we ate in the cafeteria in school, and she was still upset. We still eat together all the time, and everyone knows that we’re not “involved”.
 
srlucado said:
  1. Sure. I’ve done it. A very attractive young woman, in fact. We had lunch together a few times. And I continue to have lunch with a single former co-worker often; we’re good friends despite the fact that we agree on virtually nothing politically, economically, or religiously (she’s a very liberal Christian Scientist).
  2. When I was single (and I was single a long time), I had lunch with married women (co-workers) frequently.
All pretty tame stuff, to be honest. However…I’ve always had the ability to sustain platonic friendships with women, though I know not everyone can do this, and just to be safe, I maintained a strict code of behavior, being the gentleman that I am.
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*I think what some people are missing with my original post is that the guy asked me in a way that was odd…his tone was odd. Flirtatious, that is the word! It isn’t like I have never been out to lunch with someone of the opposite sex, or that my husband and I feel that is taboo. It has more to do with, I don’t really work with this guy, he was flirty and came across very forward…Hopefully, that clarifies why I’m not going to lunch with the guy. I agree with you–there’s nothing wrong with going to lunch with colleagues, in general. *
 
srlucado said:
“Trust your feelings, Luke.”

If you get a creepy feeling, there’s a reason for it.
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*LOL–
I think sometimes women do this a lot, we second guess ourselves…oh, is he really flirting with me…am I overreacting…etc…

I have been married a long time, and I am normally oblivious to this. People will say…that guy was flirting with you…I don’t take notice. I flirt with my husband, though! 😛

But, this was very much an unavoidable thing…he came into my office unannounced…and was quite forward…he is an in your face type of guy. It was hard for me to even miss. 🤓 *
 
Rascalking said:
  1. I would happily accept it, but I would talk it over with my wife. I would let her know EVERYTHING-just so that if someone we know sees something, they woudn’t assume anything.
It has nothing to do with my dh frankly…I don’t want to go out to lunch with the guy, personally…I found his tone to be flirty, and that just isn’t right, I think, for me to brush it off…and still go to lunch with him. It’s really more about what I feel is right to do
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This guy asked you in a flirty way?

Oh dear. I think that changes everything.

That’s a no-fly zone.
 
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