Marrying in to a Catholic family with an openly gay member

[sw85]

Hmmmm.
Verrrry, very interesting. This is an eye-opener in understanding many of your past posts.

Of course, you do realize that many other adults with the exact same upbringing as you do not feel “damaged” at all by it, but very loved and “ordered”…and feel proud of their parents as wonderful examples.

Therefore, there is a chance your feelings of “damage” comes from something that is not gay-related.

You get what “sensibilities” are, right? E.g., intuitive perceptions of the world?

I’m saying my upbringing surrounded by these sorts of people made me into a left-wing atheist. This may be fine with you if you’re a left-wing atheist or otherwise don’t care what becomes of your children spiritually, but if you’re trying to raise your children in the faith (as the OP is), you might see why it would be a problem.

 

[Stubbylegs]

My upbringing included occasional visits with my uncles, and 2 of 3 of them are gay. My exposure to them did not make me a left-wing atheist, as not all homosexuals are left-wing, and not all of them are atheists.

Exposure to homosexuals didn’t make you a left-wing atheist, exposure to left-wing atheists made you a left-wing atheist.

 

[atheistgirl]

Exposure to homosexuals didn’t make you a left-wing atheist, exposure to left-wing atheists made you a left-wing atheist.

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

Sarah x

 

[yellowbird]

As a family with an openly gay member whom we love, if you can’t accept the brother in your life, please walk away from his sister. I wouldn’t want YOU in my family if you were going to divide it and ask the sister to choose between her brother and you. I wouldn’t accept your desire to “shield” your children from my family member simply because he is a sinner, just like the rest of us - yourself included. How terribly painful for him - and all who love him. He’s a great guy - would do anything for you - but I know you’ll never see him as anything other than a homosexual.

Go find yourself a more seeminly holy family - that’s all I’ve got to say. Althought I would guess that when you open their closets, they too will have something that falls out hitting you on the head.

 

[Cl0v1s]

Yes, you are right…this is a parenting question.

I wonder then…since the OP/husband-to-be is thinking ahead on the gay issue regarding their future children…perhaps he should also think ahead of how he and his wife will deal with the possibility of having a child who is gay?

It could happen, of course–especially if a blood relative is gay…it does seem to be somewhat genetic.
Since he is very concerned about this issue, having a gay son or daughter would also be a related topic that would be relevant to discuss.
The wife-to-be is used to having a sibling who is gay in the family, but it would be new territory for the husband.
An important topic to address, I’d think, since he is being very fastidious.

It would be a good idea to discuss the matter with his wife. If she is a woman of quality, she would understand that her children might have homosexual attractions, but she should not allow any such behavior to go on under her watch. If, on the other hand, she shows signs that she would be alright with an openly gay child, then our friend should call off the wedding.

Also, while evidence is showing that homosexuality is rarely transmitted through genetics (if ever), there is an argument to be made that if this man’s children come into contact with a gay relative at an early age, they run the risk of accepting homosexual behavior and even experimenting with it (should their inclinations run in that course).

 

[atheistgirl]

If, on the other hand, she shows signs that she would be alright with an openly gay child, then our friend should call off the wedding.

A mother loving and accepting her child.

Get out of here!!!

Sarah x

 

[Metropolis]

You get what “sensibilities” are, right? E.g., intuitive perceptions of the world?

I’m saying my upbringing surrounded by these sorts of people made me into a left-wing atheist. This may be fine with you if you’re a left-wing atheist or otherwise don’t care what becomes of your children spiritually, but if you’re trying to raise your children in the faith (as the OP is), you might see why it would be a problem.

I grew up with lots of gay men around and I didn’t turn out as a left-wing atheist. Why? Because my Mom taught me different. You don’t have to keep your kids away from any and all Gay or left-wing atheists friends or family for them to turn out just fine.

Actually many family friends were gay and left-wing atheists, but then again some of the gay people I grew up around believed in God and some even were (bum bum bum) ultra-conservative Republicans! Just because someone is gay does not make them liberal or atheist.

Also it is all about how you talk to your kids about the homosexual lifestyle (as opposed to just being a homosexual that doesn’t act on their attractions), politics, religion, ect. They are going to have to encounter plenty of people from all different backgrounds growing up and as adults and they need to know how to deal with reality. My Mother prepared me well and even though I have bisexual attractions, I am a Catholic woman who is in a straight sacramental marriage and I live chastely.

I know plenty of Christians and Catholics that were sheltered as kids from all sorts of different people to “protect” them and most of them I knew went kind of crazy (party wise and sexually) because they didn’t know how to deal with any of those things.

There is nothing wrong with bringing your kids around homosexuals. Just as they get older you explain what homosexuality is and that you need to love homosexuals, but you need to disapprove of homosexual “activities”.

The op’s potential future children will have Catholic parents who teach them Catholic ideals. They will be just fine being around a homosexual family member.

 

[sw85]

My upbringing included occasional visits with my uncles, and 2 of 3 of them are gay. My exposure to them did not make me a left-wing atheist

Aren’t you lucky?

You get what the phrase “capable of doing” means, right? Because it certainly doesn’t mean “absolutely will do 100% of the time no matter what,” so your retort is kind of pointless. In fact, I wonder why you felt the need to make it.

Ah, okay, now I know what you meant by “damaged”.
Many would not consider being a liberal freethinker as someone who is advanced, not damaged. But I guess if someone is following the Catholic religion, being on the left side of politics and not being religious would be considered as such?

“Freethinker” is a funny word. I used to consider myself just that, even as I was thinking exactly the same thoughts using exactly the same words in exactly the same order as every other person who has ever called themselves a “freethinker.” Even as all my “free thoughts” just happened to line up perfectly with the spirit of the age and the conventional wisdom shared by millions of people I’d never met or spoken to who all lived in different places than me, sometimes very very far away. The realization struck me very forcefully one day that I sounded like just another one of many millions of speakers all hooked up to the same microphone. I still don’t know who was holding that microphone, but it certainly wasn’t me.

By the way, for the second time, I didn’t say I was damaged. I said it damaged the proper formation of my sensibilities. Are you deliberately warping my words to make a point, or do you just find reading difficult?

 

[vsedriver]

My fiancée expressed that his personality is currently more along the lines of the radical gay rights activist-type. She also states that he currently feels hostile toward the church because of his lifestyle choices. Please pray for both he and I, and our families!

This is going to be an issue once kids come along. I do have a gay friend of many years and my children know he is gay. But he doesn’t lead a gay lifestyle and attends church.

I fear your future BIL will see your position as a rejection of him and that can cause a lot of animosity. The only thing I can suggest is that the three of you sit down and have an honest discussion. Perhaps nothing will come of it but who knows. Maybe you can compromise. Young children are not always aware of relationships as long as they aren’t ‘in your face’. So BIL brings a ‘friend’ to family functions. It won’t mean anything to the kids as long as they aren’t overtly sexual in their behavior but I would expect that of a straight couple too.

And older children need to learn that they will meet people of all walks of life, and how they should treat them even if they disapprove of their lifestyles.

But be aware, this could cause serious marital stress unless you establish ground rules that your future wife fully supports.

 

[greenchelle]

Woah! Paedophilia part of homosexual culture? What nonsense.

Do you know what? Statistically most abusers are men that are known to the family, using your logic you better cut of every single man you know, including yourself. And think of all the jokes people throw at us about priests and paedophilia. You’re using the same mindset.

You don’t need to protect your future children from homosexuality, you need to protect them from prejudice! Family is family, the love is unconditional. No matter what sin a person falls into. Do you want to teach your children that your love for them is conditional on them being heterosexual? Homosexual sexual activity is surely no more a sin than heterosexual sex before marriage. Do you plan on casting them aside should they fall into this sin?

God has a plan. This man was chosen for this family.

 

[signit]

Also it is all about how you talk to your kids about the homosexual lifestyle (as opposed to just being a homosexual that doesn’t act on their attractions), politics, religion, ect. They are going to have to encounter plenty of people from all different backgrounds growing up and as adults and they need to know how to deal with reality. My Mother prepared me well and even though I have bisexual attractions, I am a Catholic woman who is in a straight sacramental marriage and I live chastely.

. . .

There is nothing wrong with bringing your kids around homosexuals. Just as they get older you explain what homosexuality is and that you need to love homosexuals, but you need to disapprove of homosexual “activities”.

The op’s potential future children will have Catholic parents who teach them Catholic ideals. They will be just fine being around a homosexual family member.

This is pretty much how I see it.

This is how I was brought up as a Catholic in an extended family where not all were Catholics and some did not follow the rules. Things were explained to me as needed in an age-appropriate manner.

No gay couples in the family, but if there were, Mom might have said something like this:

“X and Y live together like a married couple. We’re Catholics, and we don’t believe that’s right, according to God’s law. . . .”

That seems like how I’d deal with it.

 

[boldlygo]

Where did you get these statistics? You need to cite study or some credible source for me to take these statistics seriously. I know actual people that have been molested, were all by straight men and one was a straight woman.

The statistics come from a homosexual religious group that I came into contact with briefly.
Back in the mid-70’s, I was involved in campus ministry at a university in an urban setting. The staff was invited to attend a symposium on sexual orientation at another urban university in a nearby city. One of the female staff members thought this would be valuable in our ministry, so we went together to represent the staff.
When we arrived, we were given name tags that identified us and our organization. As we mingled with the other attendees, I recognized many familiar faces - clergy and staff from several campuses in the diocese. Also in attendance were members of mainline Protestant campus ministries, and members of a ministry I wasn’t familiar with - their organization was identified only by initials.
We were ushered into an adjacent room for refreshments, and when we returned, folding chairs had been set up in two semicircles, facing each other. The members of the ‘initialed’ ministry had already seated themselves in the small semicircle, and the rest of us took seats facing them. I don’t remember the initials or the name of the group, but, long story short, they were a group of active homosexuals who met here in this Catholic facility on Sunday afternoons.
Their goal seemed to be to convince the rest of us that their activities were normal, well-intentioned, and certainly non-threatening. The spokesperson told us that about half of all homosexuals [he called them gays and lesbians] were open about their orientation, and the other half were ‘in the closet’. And they were all normal, law-abiding people…the openly active homosexuals were responsible for only 30% of all child molestation! I asked if it would be reasonable to conclude that another 30% could be attributed to the ‘in the closet’ half, and he agreed. 60%!!
Later on, he mentioned that it wasn’t unusual for a youngster to approach him, and ask where he might find a willing sex partner near his own age…rather than saying that sexual activity is inappropriate for a 12-year-old, he suggested the Boy Scouts! This from someone representing a ‘religious organization’!
Considering the circumstances, I had no reason to doubt his statistics, although he didn’t cite a source; if he didn’t like the story the numbers told, he didn’t have to mention it at all.

 

[dshix]

The statistics come from a homosexual religious group that I came into contact with briefly.
Back in the mid-70’s, I was involved in campus ministry at a university in an urban setting. The staff was invited to attend a symposium on sexual orientation at another urban university in a nearby city. One of the female staff members thought this would be valuable in our ministry, so we went together to represent the staff.
When we arrived, we were given name tags that identified us and our organization. As we mingled with the other attendees, I recognized many familiar faces - clergy and staff from several campuses in the diocese. Also in attendance were members of mainline Protestant campus ministries, and members of a ministry I wasn’t familiar with - their organization was identified only by initials.
We were ushered into an adjacent room for refreshments, and when we returned, folding chairs had been set up in two semicircles, facing each other. The members of the ‘initialed’ ministry had already seated themselves in the small semicircle, and the rest of us took seats facing them. I don’t remember the initials or the name of the group, but, long story short, they were a group of active homosexuals who met here in this Catholic facility on Sunday afternoons.
Their goal seemed to be to convince the rest of us that their activities were normal, well-intentioned, and certainly non-threatening. The spokesperson told us that about half of all homosexuals [he called them gays and lesbians] were open about their orientation, and the other half were ‘in the closet’. And they were all normal, law-abiding people…the openly active homosexuals were responsible for only 30% of all child molestation! I asked if it would be reasonable to conclude that another 30% could be attributed to the ‘in the closet’ half, and he agreed. 60%!!
Later on, he mentioned that it wasn’t unusual for a youngster to approach him, and ask where he might find a willing sex partner near his own age…rather than saying that sexual activity is inappropriate for a 12-year-old, he suggested the Boy Scouts! This from someone representing a ‘religious organization’!
Considering the circumstances, I had no reason to doubt his statistics, although he didn’t cite a source; if he didn’t like the story the numbers told, he didn’t have to mention it at all.

That’s a shocking story, but I’m afraid it de-legitimatizes your statistics. We need solid proof if we are going to tout any statistics.

 

[Cl0v1s]

A mother loving and accepting her child.

Get out of here!!!

Sarah x

The problem here is that in her acceptance, she would actually lead to the child’s destruction. Of course, the mother would care for the child; however, the appropriate response would to seek therapy for the youth and prevent the LGBT movement from damaging him or her any further. If, on the other hand, the woman would allow her child to engage in homosexual behavior, then she would not, in fact, be a loving parent. In much the same way, parents who allow their children to become obese or experiment with drugs just because the kids want to are actually performing quite the opposite of love.

 

[Moore11]

Hello,
I am a 28 year old Catholic man who has fallen in love and plan to marry the woman of my dreams. She comes from a loving family who identify as Catholic, but her brother no longer attends mass and has been openly gay now for at least 4 years. Because of this, I see a conflict on the horizon when it comes to raising children near her family.
I recently had a conversation with my fiancée about raising our children as strong Catholics, when the subject of her brother came up. She described him as irresponsible right now, but hopes he finally settles down and either “converts” or perhaps commits to “one partner.” She then said that she would be comfortable with him in our children’s lives if either of these scenarios came true.
I disagreed, saying that I am not comfortable with her brother ever bringing his gay partner around while the children are young, out of fear for their innocence and impressionability.
I told her that I always want her brother in our lives, and that I love and respect him, but that I can’t be ok with him bringing that behavior or lifestyle into our household because I feel that would be endorsing it or making it appear normal in the presence of my children.
She was obviously greatly troubled at this, explaining that she knows such a mandate would alienate her brother and breed contempt.
I need help and advice! Am I representing Christ here, or am I being stubborn? This is a complicated issue on many fronts. So I’m asking for help and advice from others who may have similar situations. I would also appreciate any priestly advice on how I should approach this situation in preparing for our marriage, and during our marriage. What can I tell her brother if the time comes that he wants to bring his gay partner over to spend time with my children? How do I explain to her that I love her family, while not accepting her brother’s behavior?

Seeking the truth

-A

This is interesting. It is good you are thinking about this now.
My cousin was as close to me as a brother. We had him and his boyfriend in our wedding party. At the time I didn’t even think twice about it. As I became more serious about my faith it is one of the things I wish I could change. My wife and I have been married 11 years and we have 4 kids. We watched the wedding video with our kids just 2 nights ago and they asked who the guy was next to my cousin (of course they are not together anymore) It was awkward and brought to light something we had forgotten. My cousin struggles with his belief in God and his homosexuality. His homosexuality wins out and he would be the first to tell you he is Gay and that is what defines him. He has since moved to a different area and we rarely see him.

 

[Metropolis]

That’s a shocking story, but I’m afraid it de-legitimatizes your statistics. We need solid proof if we are going to tout any statistics.

Exactly my thoughts. Sounds like he was well trained, but not well-educated with this matter. They gave him statistics, but not the source. You can’t go around spreading statistics without the source of the statistics (like a scientific study). Just because a Christian group told you something, doesn’t mean it is true or based on any credible evidence. If they can site a study from a credible source, then maybe I will consider that information, but until then, I will disregard it.

 

[boymama]

My younger brother is openly gay and has been in a relationship with his partner for 7 years. I have an almost 3 year old and a 9 month old.

My son calls my brother Uncle E and his partner Uncle J. We just tell him that Uncle J is a special person in my brother’s life. That’s all he needs to know. They live 15 hours from us so it isn’t like we see them often. They do always send presents from the both of them for birthdays, holidays, etc.

My brother knows he will never be a godfather to any of our kids, and he accepts that. He left the Catholic Church about 10 years ago as a freshman in high school. He knows what my thoughts are on his lifestyle, because we had those talks years ago. I certainly have no plans to keep him or Uncle J from my kids. They are both wonderful men living in sin like the rest of us.

As my kids get older I’m sure they will figure it out and have questions. Part of being Catholic is loving the sinner and hating the sin. Isn’t that what they always told us in Catholic school?

 

[yellowbird]

. Part of being Catholic is loving the sinner and hating the sin. Isn’t that what they always told us in Catholic school?

Yes.

 

[Chantal25]

Hello,
I am a 28 year old Catholic man who has fallen in love and plan to marry the woman of my dreams. She comes from a loving family who identify as Catholic, but her brother no longer attends mass and has been openly gay now for at least 4 years. Because of this, I see a conflict on the horizon when it comes to raising children near her family.
I recently had a conversation with my fiancée about raising our children as strong Catholics, when the subject of her brother came up. She described him as irresponsible right now, but hopes he finally settles down and either “converts” or perhaps commits to “one partner.” She then said that she would be comfortable with him in our children’s lives if either of these scenarios came true.
I disagreed, saying that I am not comfortable with her brother ever bringing his gay partner around while the children are young, out of fear for their innocence and impressionability.
I told her that I always want her brother in our lives, and that I love and respect him, but that I can’t be ok with him bringing that behavior or lifestyle into our household because I feel that would be endorsing it or making it appear normal in the presence of my children.
She was obviously greatly troubled at this, explaining that she knows such a mandate would alienate her brother and breed contempt.
I need help and advice! Am I representing Christ here, or am I being stubborn? This is a complicated issue on many fronts. So I’m asking for help and advice from others who may have similar situations. I would also appreciate any priestly advice on how I should approach this situation in preparing for our marriage, and during our marriage. What can I tell her brother if the time comes that he wants to bring his gay partner over to spend time with my children? How do I explain to her that I love her family, while not accepting her brother’s behavior?

Seeking the truth

-A

I am all for raising our child openly and to teach them tolerance for the one that are different. The Pope has been cleared on this issue that we aren’t not to judge. It doesn’t mean that we have to agree with their choices, but we surely can pray for them for their salvation. What matter is that you give good foundation to your children, teach them about love, acceptance, tolerance, prayer and most of all about the Catholic faith. Your child will at some point being exposed to that kind of choice and other choice, so might as well now.

Anyway, i wouldn’t be worry, give good foundation to your children. I think this is totally appropriate to set boundaries with him that he honors your believes as you will honors his choice. I am sure he is a decent human being. Love heal and can do amazing miracles. Jesus is love

All the best!

 

[hansiepansie]

To be completely honest you are being stubborn. How is two men sitting with each other affecting your children’s “innocence”? Do you expect them to do anything different to straight couples? What is it you do not want in your house? Love? Because that’s all it is. Shame on you.