Mental Illness and Leaving the Church

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Knightswhosayni

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I’m on a path out of the door of the Catholic church. The way they handle so many issues and false advertise their perfect truth has become too much. The Church will be black and white on one issue (sex), but then allow wrong thinking in all kinds of areas( such as nutty apparition predictions). They’d rather have hordes of followers, than actually promote solid truth. They expect perfection from the laity, but have no idea how to help the gray reality of people’s struggles. In my journey through mental illness, I found little comfort in the church. Practical day to day advice is not found in the church. How to be a better mother for instance. If a church can’t help you with that, why go? If they dont have the answer to being a better person, what’s the point? I do find mysticism and the supernatural interesting. But, at the end of the day, I don’t find the church’s advice to actually help those who need it. I thought confession would aid my mental illness. I was sadly disappointed. Why advertise so much healing? If it fails, the person hurting will be blamed for lacking faith. I had faith that the church would be the answer to life’s tough questions. I’ve been sorely disappointed. The church sets high expectations, so why do they blame the failure on me? I mean, shouldn’t the Church be the one place where you find what you need most? I found more reasons to dislike myself and loads of criticism from those who don’t understand mental illness. I realize mental illness is a health issue like any other, but for someone struggling to do better, it’s sad to have to be reminded how awful your behavior is. Being holy is complicated in the mind of a mentally ill person. It’s confusing to know when it’s you and when it’s your illness committing the sin. I know God shows mercy, but I don’t see his church doing the same.
 
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Focus on our Lord. The church is made up of imperfect people, but it’s primary role is to bring these imperfect people to God. I always keep my eye, my heart, on Jesus.
 
That is solid advice, thanks. It is hard to ignore the “you shoulds” and if you wanna be a saint you would be able to do XYZ. It’s as if we should all be Harvard grads, but the reality is we can’t all go to Harvard.
 
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Hi

I’m a Catholic with mental illness. I’m 38 don’t have children and won’t have children so I’m celibate and will be for life. This isn’t hard on me, I find it quite easy.

But what church would you go to if not Catholic? In my upbringing and area I was raised I found the Catholic Church to be the most tolerant Church and very accepting of differences. I don’t tend to find that in other churches.

In terms of life advice, the Church probably doesn’t delve into those things because there is more than one answer. It could be possible if you went to a different Church they would have their prescriptions for an ideal mother, but I’m afraid of what they might say and whether it would apply to all cases and if those who don’t fit the mold would be marginalized.

I’ve met some good priests and some bad priests, but in terms of the Catholic tool box I find it the most helpful. Things like the Rosary or our various prayers.

But again what Church would you go to?
 
No one likes to be should on. We do have to separate psychological health from spiritual sanctification. The latter is a pursuit of holiness based on faith in God’s grace through Christ; but grace perfects nature, it does not replace it. There are certainly people in the church who are able to help with mental illness, but that’s not typically the clergy.

My understanding is that if an underlying psychological issue is discerned in confession, the confessor will recommend treatment. Poor health, whether physical or mental, is certainly not an impediment to holiness, and can even be a means of sanctity, however, it presents challenges that the sacraments can not ordinarily heal. Some private devotions may even exacerbate psychological issues and so should be chosen carefully or abandoned with the guidance of a spiritual director.
 
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We are all sinners, striving for the path to holiness. Some of us are just further along that path than others. God doesn’t always work healing graces right away. It took 22 years of my life before there was a turning point for the better and healing actually began. I’ve only been Catholic for a year and five months mind you. If people are harassing for not being a better person but don’t know your situation they’ll get repaid according to their deeds accordingly. I was given the cold shoulder at my Church for a month because my wounds simply opened at work and it seeped into my Church, I kept focused on the Lord and he kept telling me they’ll be repaid for their assumptions of me and the fruits of my trust in the Lord are beginning to show. It’s interesting this is happening to you around the same time it’s happening to me.
 
Well, I probably shouldn’t have chosen the vocation I did. My condition has caused innocent people to suffer greatly. Why shouldn’t a church be the place to find these answers? I perfectly understand why they don’t address it, because it’s very individual. But, why arent Psychological methods a greater part of religion? I mean if I have a heart issue, that may do nothing to negatively effect my virtue or character. But, mental issues cannot be divided from your character or behavior.
 
You state that Confession “failed.” I’m wondering what you were expecting that disappointed you. The sacraments don’t “fail”; they are instruments of God’s grace. If you received absolution, God has forgiven your sins. That’s what Confession does. Spiritual healing can be hidden from us, not always felt (feelings aren’t the focus) but the sacrament does not “fail” because God does not fail. Faith is needed.
 
I’m sorry you have had this experience, I have a disability as well, and while it’s not mental illness, I’ve encountered my fair share or people who can just be downright mean in church, now that being said, it’s no better outside of the church. like you mentioned your own post, it’s often a lack of understanding about disability or mental illness in general, they do not always equate to sin.
 
Thanks for the thoughtful response. Your perspective of others is not one that comes naturally to me. I find it difficult to let God worry about them. Most of my judgements and negatives ideas came more from reading books, forums and advice on what is/isn’t holy to do as a wife, mother, etc. I would read the books of saints and find myself repulsed by the idea that we should all emulate them. I mean, I dont dislike the saints, but it’s shoved down your throat that we must imitate, imitate, imitate. I must love Mary. Who cares if you had a horrible relationship with your mother. Catholics must love her, get over it. I could go on. I know I must stop the comparisons for my own mental health. I resent the you should, because they are supposed to help, but it makes things worse for me.
 
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Alright, I’m going to be honest why I said what I said and how much agony this causes me. I just opened up to the Church that not a priest, but my own Father has abused me, mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually in some ways. Up until I was 6 years old my life was normal. My Father went off the deep end and went to prison for 13 months for threatening a judge. After that everyone noticed he was different. What I did for the past week opening up completely about it for the first time in my life changed me completely. I told the priest to keep it away from the state so he doesn’t get hurt. When I started to devoutly pray to Mary, God opened me up and let me be honest and that’s why I’m just now beginning to heal. Faith and trust in Mary does lead to wounds being addressed, opened and healing can begin.
 
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I definitely have much respect for your journey with Mary. God bless you for what you’ve been through. I appreciate the church has many pathways such as this to heal us. I will say that my hang up is the judgments you get for not finding a path helpful. You feel like an outsider or weird if you dont feel as sentimental as others. How can you call yourself Catholic and be repulsed by Mary? I wouldn’t say I’m repulsed, but I’m just not in a place to embrace that. I dont feel drawn to those devotions. People DO NOT understand this type of thing. I don’t discount it at all. I really dont, but I don’t like being judge for how I feel about it. People shame you for even thinking it.
 
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Well, I guess more grace to address behavioral problems. I’d think those hurting mentally would receive the grace needed to stop doing the sins which hurt others so much. I mean, it’s one thing to have trouble cursing. It’s another to have trouble having enough empathy to be a decent mother. I resent advertising something you cant actually give anyone. You can’t solve all my problems, so stop saying you can.
 
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If not the Catholic church, then none. I mean, I will still go for Community. But, my heart is far from the physical church and human leadership.
 
Father Benedict Groeschel passed away a couple years ago and he was a PhD clinical psychologist trained at Columbia University in New york City. He was a frequent host on various programs on EWTN and he spoke with a wisdom about psychological issues.

I am a Catholic and I sympathize with you, but I think the standard answer is that you certainly should not overlook professional help outside the Church.

My hunch is that you will not find any other church or religion that will meet your expectations, as they are not geared for what you are seeking. Our participation in the Church is primarily oriented toward worship of God and giving us the rules for righteous living. In other words, it is focused on God, not on you or me. Not attempting to be dismissive of your issues, but I hope you keep a place in your life for God.
 
I respect what you’re saying here. I think alot of folks get confused and mixed messages about what church is and isn’t. I feel that responsibility falls on the church here. You advertise perfection. You advertise having all the answers.

I mean if the focus truly is on God alone, then why detract from that? They make it about us with homilies focusing on how we are all failing God all the time. Have you not heard those? We are the body of Christ. We are God’s creation. It becomes nonsensical and contradictory. I do expect humans to sin and be contradictory. That’s why it makes no sense to trust any human representatives of the supernatural. I think they all get it partially right, but mostly wrong. I dont blame God for this. I do blame churches for confusing people and being unhelpful. They just don’t live up to what they expect of you in return.
 
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I can see and understand your struggle. I have struggled with mental illness, too. And writing this, I don’t want you to feel shame for what you think. Your struggles, your thoughts, your feelings are all very real and very valuable. So maybe take this with a grain of salt (?) I don’t know that this will even answer, kind of, your questions.
Nobody in the Catholic Church is perfect. We don’t however advertise, more precisely, we evangelize bringing the good news and inexpressible joy of the Gospel to the world. We want everyone to experience and know that joy. I am so sorry that you feel perfection is expected from you, or that maybe you have been told that. That is a lie from the devil that you must be perfect or you are unworthy. That is simply not true. On the other hand, yes hell exists and it is very real. And so we live knowing that we are sinners and we are not perfect, but God in His mercy helps us if we let Him into every. single. part of our lives. The only sin He can not heal is the sin that is not confessed or that is not given to Him. The church does not “advertise” healing in the Sacraments. The Sacraments are healing. Confession is not something that works or does not work. If you have humbly confessed all of your sins in your knowledge and with a contrite heart, you are forgiven. Even if you might not feel it, we do not live for feeling. We have a knowledge of God’s mercy, which is why we call it faith. Faith is believing when we might not see or necessarily feel. The thing is that, being a Catholic is not comfortable or easy. It’s hard to be a Catholic in this world. But God has given us so much in His deep love for us. He loves you so much more than you could ever imagine. He loves you so deeply. And sometimes it’s hard. It is so, so difficult. But I truly believe that the greatest suffering, laid at the foot of the cross, will bring you so much closer to Him.

Also, I am so sorry you feel that you have to love Mary and the saints. We love Mary because she bore our Savior who would come into the world and die for our sins that we might have eternal life. We love Mary because she was the loving mom of her son, our father- Jesus. We love Mary because in the greatest sorrows of her life, she stood beside him and as Jesus hung upon the cross saying “Behold your mother”, we recognize that she is our mother too. And we recognize the love she has for each and every one of us. She is a mother to all of us just as she was/is a mother to Christ.

Finally, I don’t want you to leave the church. Why? Because it is the greatest joy. Period. I understand that you feel like you must leave and step away from it. But I ask you to bring every bit of anger, frustration, fear, concern, anxiety to God. Pray to Him. Ask him these things. It’s okay to be angry at Him for some time. And know, that He won’t let you go. He won’t abandon. He loves you so much. And He is there waiting for you even if you feel like all you can do is walk away.
 
Thank you for the thoughtful response. I totally understand the wonderful things people get from Mary and why she is loved. It’s my hang up and I own that. There is nothing wrong in it. I dont shame anyone for embracing her. I just can’t relate to anyone who had one, perfect child to raise. She never experienced the pain of hating motherhood. I can’t relate to a perfect mother of a perfect child. Sure, she may love me, but how can she get something she never went through? She was human, not God.
 
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Knightswhosayni said:
Sure, she may love me, but how can she get something she never went through? She was human, not God
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Remember that she is perfectly united to the Holy Spirit, her Spouse. I doubt He holds back his limitless knowledge. We say that humans on Earth are just human and although saints in heaven are still “just human”, they have the advantage of being with God and so are a whole lot more Godlike.
 
Ohhh, yes. I can see how that can be difficult… I am thinking that being a mother, she looks upon us and cares for us as her child. She sees her children struggle and so she carries us through our difficulties. For example, if I had a cancer and my mom hadn’t had cancer in her life, she would pour out love and grace and do what she could to help me even though she has never felt that struggle.
 
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