Mother-in-law wants to be in delivery room

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Floraldancer

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Hi all,

This isn’t a specifically Catholic question but we’re a Catholic couple and this seems like a non crazy place to get advice!

Here’s the long and short of it. I’m due August 7 with our first. Super excited - first grandchild on both sides. Obviously my husband will be in the delivery room, and I’ve asked my mother to be there too. She wants to be there, and she will be the photographer/support person. I’m trying for a natural labor and my mom had four. She’s a calming presence for me.

My mother-in-law seems to think she will be in the delivery room, too. Don’t get me wrong, I like my MIL, but I don’t want her with me while I am laboring, pushing and in the immediate postpartum. Of course she will be welcome to come visit after the birth, but as nice as she is she’s not my mom. I don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable in front of her.

Last weekend she mentioned how she can’t wait to see her first grandchild be born. She knows my mom will be present. I just assumed she knew that as my MIL she would not be present for the birth. My husband said to her, “Mom, I think that would be too many cooks in the kitchen but you’ll be first on my call list when it’s all done” and she said (maybe only half joking) it wasn’t fair that we were having my mom and not her. My husband said, “Well, you know how intense things can get…” And let it go.

Today my MIL called and in the context of the call she said, “Am I really being kicked out of the delivery?” I said “Of course you’re not kicked out but I think it will just be Daniel and my mom this time.” She again said it wasn’t fair because she has all boys. We hung up friendly but I know she’s bummed.

Anything I can say or do? I don’t want her to be disappointed but I do think it’s pretty normal that women have a woman from their own family as support for the birth and not their husband’s mom. Honestly, I know birth gets crazy but I still don’t want her seeing me like that.
 
Warning: This is advice from an unmarried woman with no children. I think you and your husband are handling this well. I’m glad you and he agree about your MIL not being in the delivery room. I think you hold to your boundaries and continue to let her know that you don’t feel comfortable and that it is going to be too busy/intense however you choose to word it. IF she persists after the first few reminders its time for you and husband or husband by himself to let her know that you are excited that she is so excited about the grandbaby. Let her know you love and respect her and look forward to her being in the child’s life and sharing many memories. Whatever you do do not cave. Although her desire to be there is probably coming from a good place, this is not her decision and it sounds borderline manipulative for her to press the issue and say she feels kicked out. She can’t be kicked out of anything she wasn’t already in and nowhere in the OP does it say that you or your husband entertained her being in the delivery room. Best of Luck and my prayers for your family and baby 🙂
 
What about thinking of something else special your MIL could do and give her the honor of being the one to do that? And be certain she understands that she’s invited to the hospital just not in the delivery room during the actual birth. If she knows she can come in and see you and the baby right after delivery she might be very happy with that.
 
Tell her no…as charitably as you possibly can.

It’s good that your husband is on board with this and he isn’t being too vague about it.
No means no.

When and if you do talk to her about it…if she brings it up…make sure you instantly correct any kind of negative tones or phrases.
She said “Am I getting kicked out?”
It looks like she is trying to plant some sympathy to change your minds. Correct her immediately and say “no, your are not being “kicked out” we just made plans for hubby and my mother to be there.”

Reinforce the fact that she will be first in line to come in and see the baby. First in line amongst guests to hold, take pictures, cuddle…whatever. Tell her how excited you are for her to meet her new grandchild. Keep it all positive.

I didn’t want a party in my delivery room. Just my husband and medical personnel and that is it.
I didn’t want my mother to be in the room and neither does she…😃
Frankly, I would have been seriously weirded out if my MIL insisted on being in the room too. I’m a blunt person and I probably would have said exactly that too…:o
 
I had my mother in the room when my oldest was born. I also didn’t feel comfortable with my MIL in the labor and delivery room. I did call and let her know she could be at the hospital and I let her escort the baby and I home as well as pick the going home outfit. Maybe that would work for you if you aren’t already attached to the going home outfit?
 
I think you did the right thing. Stand your ground. There is a difference between mother and MIL - I totally stand behind you with that. I didn’t even have my own mom in the delivery room. Childbirth is a very intimate experience - you are blessed that you and your mom are close enough that you are comfortable with her there. Kudos to your husband for making your wishes known.
 
While I wanted my mother in the room with me while I labored with my first child, I kicked her out when it was time to push. I saw that as an intimate moment that should be between me and dh. Now, of course, my mother has had to babysit for my other kids while I was in labor with my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, but if she didn’t, I wouldn’t want anything different. I wouldn’t want my mil in the delivery room at all, any time after the delivery. And she wouldn’t dare to expect it. Even my mother asked me if I wanted her to stay or leave when she was with me in labor.

I have to admit, I find it odd that your mil doesn’t recognize that you have a stronger bond with your own mother, and might feel comfortable revealing yourself to her in a way you wouldn’t to your mil. And actually, if she continued to say things like, “am I really being kicked out,” I would be annoyed by the lack of respect for my wishes at a very intimate moment, and I would probably just answer, “yep.” Of course, I would also say the other nice things that you or your dh have already said, but it seems to me that this is a good opportunity for you to practice setting boundaries, and for mil to learn that you will set the boundaries when it comes to such matters.

You’ve done great. Let her get over her disappointment, and give her the place of honor that she deserves as a Grandmother. But don’t let her pressure you into feeling bad about not wanting her in the room with you. It’s not about the honor of the people who get to watch, it’s about helping the mother in labor.
 
Floraldancer said:
Hi all,

This isn’t a specifically Catholic question but we’re a Catholic couple and this seems like a non crazy place to get advice!

Here’s the long and short of it. I’m due August 7 with our first. Super excited - first grandchild on both sides. Obviously my husband will be in the delivery room, and I’ve asked my mother to be there too. She wants to be there, and she will be the photographer/support person. I’m trying for a natural labor and my mom had four. She’s a calming presence for me.

My mother-in-law seems to think she will be in the delivery room, too. Don’t get me wrong, I like my MIL, but I don’t want her with me while I am laboring, pushing and in the immediate postpartum. Of course she will be welcome to come visit after the birth, but as nice as she is she’s not my mom. I don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable in front of her.

Last weekend she mentioned how she can’t wait to see her first grandchild be born. She knows my mom will be present. I just assumed she knew that as my MIL she would not be present for the birth. My husband said to her, “Mom, I think that would be too many cooks in the kitchen but you’ll be first on my call list when it’s all done” and she said (maybe only half joking) it wasn’t fair that we were having my mom and not her. My husband said, “Well, you know how intense things can get…” And let it go.

Today my MIL called and in the context of the call she said, “Am I really being kicked out of the delivery?” I said “Of course you’re not kicked out but I think it will just be Daniel and my mom this time.” She again said it wasn’t fair because she has all boys. We hung up friendly but I know she’s bummed.

Anything I can say or do? I don’t want her to be disappointed but I do think it’s pretty normal that women have a woman from their own family as support for the birth and not their husband’s mom. Honestly, I know birth gets crazy but I still don’t want her seeing me like that.
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Since my children range in age from 39 to 30,needless to say,I gave birth with only my husband in the room.That said when my two grand kids were born,extended family waited in the waiting room,went n right after the birth.IMHO,the birthing event has become more of a party.I say stick to your guns and allow only those you are comfortable having in the room.
 
Floraldancer, I think you’ve handled the situation as well as possible. If your MIL keeps pushing this, I’d say you should let your husband deal with her (he seems to be supporting you well with this) and try to avoid any direct discussion of the topic.
 
Am I the only one who would be ok with the MIL in the room? 😊

I don’t have any kids yet, but I just know that when we do become pregnant, he will end up being deployed. lol. If my mom couldn’t make it here. Heck, if she could make it here I would still probably need my MIL. My mom is ill. Stress and being overly active makes her feel worse. So, I wouldn’t mind my other mom with me. I am super close to her. She came and visited me a couple of times when DH was deployed. When I went home for Christmas I spent half my time with her and my sister-in-laws and the other half with my family. They live about 2 1/2 hours apart. I wouldn’t mind her there. Now I’m not saying she will be my first option, but if I needed her, I know that she would be there.
 
While it seems awkward to have your mil in the delivery now, it may not be that too bad when the time comes. You will likely have doctors, residents, nurses, etc. It sometimes gets to the point that you think, what’s one more person. Many are so worn out by the labor and so happy about the imminent birth, that modesty often takes a back seat. You might feel awkward for a second, but she will be so thrilled that it won’t matter as much as you originally thought. Just thought I’d throw out a different angle to look at. However, the choice is yours and I’m sure your mil will be ok either way. Wishing you a quick labor and a healthy baby!!! 🙂
 
I think what you’ve done is fine. I wouldn’t want my MIL staring at my business or watching me in labor. You said your mom is going to be taking pictures. Assure her she can see any pictures that you find appropriate to share. I probably won’t even have MY mom in the delivery room when I have my baby. How many people do they even allow in the delivery room anyway?
 
Also, if you think she may try to “sneak in,” let the nurses know the only people allowed are your husband/mom- no one else should be in there. I have some… sneaky… family that really wanted to be in there, and nurses are great bouncers!
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Am I the only one who would be ok with the MIL in the room? 😊
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I really think it depends on your relationship with your MIL.

My MIL? She is the last person I would have wanted in delivery. 🤷

I also didn’t have my mom in with me. Just hubby and me. Well, just hubby and me and medical personnel.

OP
Your delivery, your choice. And don’t let anyone bully you.
 
Aggies08 said:
Also, if you think she may try to “sneak in,” let the nurses know the only people allowed are your husband/mom- no one else should be in there. I have some… sneaky… family that really wanted to be in there, and nurses are great bouncers!
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I don’t think nurses should be expected to act as bouncers. They’re already quite busy keeping people alive and comfortable and in many hospitals they are one report from an annoyed guest away from termination. In order to prevent some poor nurse from having to get into a confrontation that could effect their career, I would recommend assigning some member of the family to take future grandma down for a cup of coffee and a scone and keep her busy and happy until it’s time for the reveal.
 
With regard to postpartum visiting, have lines prepared for cutting short visits and don’t feel bad about it. Your hospital room is a place for having babies and recovering from having babies. It’s not a party room. Prep your husband for his Oscar-winning role where he delivers the line, “Floraldancer looks really worn out. Let’s give her a chance to sleep,” and ushers his mom out.

After my second baby was born, I discovered too late that I didn’t really want my husband and two-year-old hanging out in our hospital room with me and the baby. What I should have done was sleep and regain my strength for the rigors of life at home with a toddler and baby. I shouldn’t have let the two-year-old wear me out or eat all the good parts of my hospital meal, but I was in a weakened state.

Think carefully about what you need and be forthright in asking once the baby is born. For instance, will you need help with meals or housekeeping? Would you appreciate MIL coming over in the morning to let you have a shower and dress in peace and quiet? Don’t make up your mind about this yet–have the baby and then see what you need, re-evaluating the situation periodically. Be effusively grateful, but learn to ask for stuff and communicate clearly what you want and don’t want.

Also, bear in mind that pediatricians really don’t like having newborns handed around to lots of people. Get instructions as early as you can about how much socializing is prudent for your baby.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
While I wanted my mother in the room with me while I labored with my first child, I kicked her out when it was time to push. I saw that as an intimate moment that should be between me and dh. Now, of course, my mother has had to babysit for my other kids while I was in labor with my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, but if she didn’t, I wouldn’t want anything different. I wouldn’t want my mil in the delivery room at all, any time after the delivery. And she wouldn’t dare to expect it. Even my mother asked me if I wanted her to stay or leave when she was with me in labor.

I have to admit, I find it odd that your mil doesn’t recognize that you have a stronger bond with your own mother, and might feel comfortable revealing yourself to her in a way you wouldn’t to your mil. And actually, if she continued to say things like, “am I really being kicked out,” I would be annoyed by the lack of respect for my wishes at a very intimate moment, and I would probably just answer, “yep.” Of course, I would also say the other nice things that you or your dh have already said, but it seems to me that this is a good opportunity for you to practice setting boundaries, and for mil to learn that you will set the boundaries when it comes to such matters.

You’ve done great. Let her get over her disappointment, and give her the place of honor that she deserves as a Grandmother. But don’t let her pressure you into feeling bad about not wanting her in the room with you. It’s not about the honor of the people who get to watch, it’s about helping the mother in labor.
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As someone whose mother was not alive when I gave birth to my first child, and my MIL ‘ended up’ in the delivery room during that birth, I give the following advice:
LISTEN TO ‘THYKINGDOMECOME’! 😉 With that said…it may feel to your MIL like you are ‘ranking’ grandparents and that your parents are ‘above’ her because they got to be there when the little one was born.
IMHO, set boundaries, but realize her frailties and see if there is something that you can ‘give to her’ as a first with your child…someone mentioned the ‘coming home outfit’ as an idea, maybe you could let her be the first to announce your baby’s arrival on Facebook or design the announcement? If she’s computer savvy, maybe she could make a video of pics you send her and post it on YOUR Facebook page…to ‘save you the effort’???
I think I read that she has no daughters? If so, maybe she’s hoping to create a bond? Ok, the delivery room might not be the place, but take a few minutes and put yourself in her place…think about what she’s thinking and maybe you will come up with some ways she can be included in the birth of your new baby…which is a celebration and life changing event for everyone!
Praying for a wonderful birthing process for you! Stay strong and trust in God… 👍
 
Ah, mother-in-laws and their expectations. 🙂

It sounds like you handled things well so far. I would never presume to tell a pregnant woman who she ought to have in the delivery room with her. 😛 You have to go with what makes you comfortable.

I’m somewhat glad that it was just my wife and I in the delivery room (well, and all the nurses and doctors, too). We ended up needing c-sections, so I was doubly glad. I’m not even sure that anyone else would have been allowed in there anyway. It was awfully crowded.

I like the idea of coming up with some other type of honor to take her mind off of it. That could help.
 
Xantippe said:
Also, bear in mind that pediatricians really don’t like having newborns handed around to lots of people. Get instructions as early as you can about how much socializing is prudent for your baby.
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👍

My doctor was fine with me taking our new son to the grocery store, but he really didn’t want us to attend a family reunion.

His comment, “Don’t go anywhere where you might be expected to play ‘pass the baby.’”
 
You and your husband are doing everything right; it seems your MIL wants to wear you down about it, hoping you will give in. Stick to your guns. I couldn’t have had my MIL present for any of my (difficult) deliveries, believe me. It would have made things even worse than they were.
Any chance she would be happy enough if your husband promised to call her into the room as soon as possible after delivery and everyone is settled down/cleaned up, and sure mom and baby are OK??
Having spent my career as a L&D nurse, I never had a problem asking a family member to leave if it was upsetting the parents-to-be; your obstetrician might even do it. Few people will refuse to leave if the doctor asks them to please step out.
 
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