Mother-in-law wants to be in delivery room

[Joe_5859]

My doctor was fine with me taking our new son to the grocery store, but he really didn’t want us to attend a family reunion.

His comment, “Don’t go anywhere where you might be expected to play ‘pass the baby.’”

Our doctor was always adamant that there was never a reason for people to kiss a baby.

Of course, I took that to mean “other than the parents.” I just can’t not do it.

 

[pentecostbaby]

My dear friend is an OB. She has had patients cry because of the party in the waiting room and the expectations that she wasn’t performing quickly enough.

Don’t call anyone until the baby is out and you’ve had time alone. For your own sanity. You don’t need a waiting room convocation going on. MIL can get over it - it’s your birth and your business and your lady parts, frankly.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m a huge Miss Manners fangirl and I’ve always believed that she has the perfect response for people wanting to be in the delivery room: “A lady does not entertain with her legs in the air.”

 

[Joe_5859]

My dear friend is an OB. She has had patients cry because of the party in the waiting room and the expectations that she wasn’t performing quickly enough.

Don’t call anyone until the baby is out and you’ve had time alone. For your own sanity. You don’t need a waiting room convocation going on. MIL can get over it - it’s your birth and your business and your lady parts, frankly.

This makes me almost grateful that we don’t currently live near enough to family for bunches of them to be sitting in the waiting room during delivery. That would be somewhat anxiety-inducing.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I might try to change the focus with MIL, if she brings it up again.

Instead of not allowing her to “see the baby born”, I would say “I’m not comfortable being naked in front of you.” I would sincerely hope that would stop her in her tracks.

I mean, seriously, I don’t mind the hubby or my mom seeing me naked, but my MIL… No way!!

 

[EasterJoy]

… She again said it wasn’t fair because she has all boys. We hung up friendly but I know she’s bummed…

I have boys. Trust me, we get off easy on a lot of things–I didn’t miss the girl dramas that my boys did not have in middle school, nor the lack of any battles over make-up or skirt lengths!–and she’s already been through not getting to buy those cute little dresses and not doing the prom dress thing or the wedding dress thing and so and so on. You can say, “well, if I have all boys, the same thing might happen to me, but I’m not even guaranteeing that my own mother gets to stay. The only one who I know will be there is DH. On this, I’m doing what feels right for me, and that’s that. He’s going to have to tell you all about it.”

This will not be the first time you will be drawing your own line with the grandparents or extended family. Get it right. Don’t ever be nasty, always be gracious and assign the best of motives to them, but be firm and never back down. (Well, unless someone actually convinces you that you are in fact wrong, but that goes without saying.)

 

[bunnykisses88]

I’m worried about my MIL coming over to visit while I’m in early labor or something… sort of worried that my hubby wont be able to tell her to come back another time… I would rather have privacy.

 

[Susansmum]

I think the issue here is what previous posters have said. Boundaries.
This is the perfect time to set and enforce boundaries for extended family, including both sets of grandparents.
This seems to be an issue that only really becomes apparent when children are involved, so it’s really important that both you and your DH are on the same page.

If either grandparents don’t actually consider or respect your wishes in relation to the birth, how will in be in relation to nutrition, discipline and other important stuff.

I know it may not seem like a big deal, but I’ve seen it so many times.
The grandparents remain in their ‘parent’ mental frame and believe that they know what’s best for the baby and will ignore what the parents actually want if it conflicts.

Plus it’s easier to set the boundaries in a respectful way now, than to have the conversation after years of built up resentment etc…

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Marysann]

I am the mother of three adult sons. Our first grandchild was born right before Christmas, the first grandchild on both sides. My daughter-law wanted only her husband and her mother with her. I agreed completely. Dear Floraldancer, doesn’t your mother remember what it was like to be a new mother? I love my daughter-in-law as if she were my own daughter, and we get along great, but a new mom wants her own mother. This is perfectly understandable. I was called right after the birth, by my daughter-in-law’s mother, who I consider a friend. Then I talked to my son. I immediately went to the hospital, and was able to see everyone. (My new granddaugher has been a very considerate child right from the beginning, and was born at 1:20 in the afternoon!) This was all fine with me, and I had traveled from Rome for the birth. You are at the end of your pregnancy and need to conserve your emotional energy for the months ahead when you will not be getting enough sleep etc. Let your husband deal with his mother. This will be good practice for him as he may have to deal with other unreasonable requests in the future. I know that my son and daughter-in-law love me, and this insecurity might be what be the basis for you mother-in-law’s request, because they gave the baby my name as her middle name. They told everyone that I had been so supportive of them that they wished to honor me. I was very humbled.

 

[Kelfa28]

My dear friend is an OB. She has had patients cry because of the party in the waiting room and the expectations that she wasn’t performing quickly enough.

Don’t call anyone until the baby is out and you’ve had time alone. For your own sanity. You don’t need a waiting room convocation going on. MIL can get over it - it’s your birth and your business and your lady parts, frankly.

THIS.

I couldn’t imagine having a ton of people out in the waiting room waiting to pour in after going through the most intimate moment of my life.

Aside from the fact that I didn’t actually have my daughter until 2:30 am…a full 30 hours after I actually started labor.

Even if I had given birth at a reasonable 7:30 pm, I told everyone not to expect a phone call until I was good and ready to make phone calls.

Birth for me…is a very, very private experience…meant for my husband and I (and medical personnel). Plus, I didn’t want to play favorites. No one got a call I was going into the hospital either. Though, everyone did figure it out when I didn’t answer my phone or my husband his phone for quite a while one day…

I didn’t want to feel stressed out that it was taking too long. Besides, our doctor wanted us all to sleep big time!

The phone calls weren’t made until we had rested, had a private time for mommy and daddy bonding only and felt good and ready.

I don’t recommend anyone out in the waiting room ready to pour in immediately after the birth. You need that time to bond with your baby.

BUT…that is my personal opinion on the matter.

 

[Phemie]

It’s funny, there was just a commentary on CBC Radio on the trend of having a bunch of relatives and friends in the delivery room. The commentator’s opinion: if you wouldn’t have them at the conception, they shouldn’t be in the delivery room.

 

[_Jenn]

Have who you want, when you want. I was ok with having people in while I was in labor. Told them that it would only be dh & I for the birth, with my mom a possibility if I asked. Ended up with a csection, so was just dh. However, I loved that both sets of grandparents were there, waiting to meet their grandson! Nobody stayed long, as it was late at night, just long enough to get a look & quick hold/kiss, make sure I was ok, & they left. Came back the next day around noon.

 

[maltmom]

The hospital may take the decision out of your hands. Most have a limit on how many people can be in the delivery room. The hospital here will only allow one.

 

[RedSoxWife]

OP, I think you and your husband have handled your MIL very well already. I would be really annoyed if anyone was pressuring me to be in the delivery room, including my own mother (she’s never even asked)…

I really think it depends on your relationship with your MIL.

My MIL? She is the last person I would have wanted in delivery.

I also didn’t have my mom in with me. Just hubby and me. Well, just hubby and me and medical personnel.

OP
Your delivery, your choice. And don’t let anyone bully you.

This. Exactly this. You don’t need to be worrying about anyone else when your in labor or about feeling uncomfortable.

I don’t think nurses should be expected to act as bouncers. They’re already quite busy keeping people alive and comfortable and in many hospitals they are one report from an annoyed guest away from termination. In order to prevent some poor nurse from having to get into a confrontation that could effect their career, I would recommend assigning some member of the family to take future grandma down for a cup of coffee and a scone and keep her busy and happy until it’s time for the reveal.

Actually, it is part of the job of the hospital staff to keep people who aren’t supposed to be there out. The mother isn’t in a position too. There’s a good chance the dad is going to be right there coaching and isn’t going to be in a position to be forcing people out of the room (besides, people will often take it better from someone who works there rather than someone they’re related to). No one is going to get fired for that. It’s been clear in all the hospitals I’ve been in that only the people I’ve wanted there were allowed in and that they absolutely would be asked to leave if I didn’t want them there.

I’m a huge Miss Manners fangirl and I’ve always believed that she has the perfect response for people wanting to be in the delivery room: “A lady does not entertain with her legs in the air.”

I’m worried about my MIL coming over to visit while I’m in early labor or something… sort of worried that my hubby wont be able to tell her to come back another time… I would rather have privacy.

I’d definitely discuss it with your husband ahead of time… and then tell the nurses when you get there who’s allowed in the room. You can even write it in your birth plan and give it to them (put it at the top if your really worried!). You shouldn’t have to worry about uninvited guests showing up while you’re in labor.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m a huge Miss Manners fangirl and I’ve always believed that she has the perfect response for people wanting to be in the delivery room: “A lady does not entertain with her legs in the air.”

:clapping:

Giving birth ain’t entertaining! It’s WORK. When I was in labor with my first, I ended up yelling at the nurses who were conversing over in the corner at normal levels while I was on the birthing bed in pain. Some women curse at their husbands. It’s a very personal and difficult time.and having a bunch of folks there would have driven me crazy. Hubby knew when to shut up and stand back, he was overwhelmed seeing me that way so he had little to offer me. I just don’t think anyone is going to be that helpful when push comes to shove (forgive the cliche’).

(but p.s. to Miss Manners - they don’t make you deliver with your legs in the air any more!)

 

[SamH]

First off tell her no, if that doesn’t work - tell her **** NO!!! Second - I don’t think you want your mom there either. Having gone through a long difficult birth (over 20 hours of labor) that ended with an emergency C-section the last thing I would have wanted to deal with is my MIL chatting in my wife’s ear while WE were making life and death decisions. While some try to pass it off as a “family event” a birth is not always a happy occasion. The stress can wear thin the tolerance for all involved.

 

[SamH]

The hospital may take the decision out of your hands. Most have a limit on how many people can be in the delivery room. The hospital here will only allow one.

Agreed.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think you are handling it just fine, and I’m glad your husband is being firm about it too. It isn’t fair of your MIL to try and make you feel badly, either- if she continued with this behavior I would not even be calling her until after the baby is born.

A friend of mine had her first baby and her husband called both sets of parents when they got to the hospital to let them know, but asked them not to come until the baby was born and they were ready. Well, her in-laws showed up anyway- they weren’t allowed in the delivery room but saw the baby right after. The next baby, they were not called at all until after the baby was born.

If she mistakenly assumed she’d be there, she has now been informed that she needs to stay away and will need to get over it. If she keeps bringing it up, keep repeating what you have already told her.

 

[Phemie]

First off tell her no, if that doesn’t work - tell her **** NO!!! Second - I don’t think you want your mom there either. Having gone through a long difficult birth (over 20 hours of labor) that ended with an emergency C-section the last thing I would have wanted to deal with is my MIL chatting in my wife’s ear while WE were making life and death decisions. While some try to pass it off as a “family event” a birth is not always a happy occasion. The stress can wear thin the tolerance for all involved.

Some women want their moms there. My god-daughter’s mom, who is usually a very self-reliant person, actually called for her mother, who was shocked at the request. Actually, her husband called her mother to ask her to come and they were both delighted that she was there to accompany them to the OR for the C-section.

 

[Runnerr1980]

Sorry