My 16 year-old daughter flipped the bird

[Chronologic4]

Just let it go.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It works in a variety of ways. If the kid is genuinely trying to please the parent or just wants the anger to stop, they’ll go in there and confess and feel like they are the worst person in the world. While another voice in their head says “this is ridiculous”. Eventually one might end up on CAF making posts about how Catholicism induces needless shame and guilt.

If the kid is feeling rebellious, she’ll probably go in and say, “My dad said I sinned by doing XYZ and now I have to go to confession, but he doesn’t understand that Mrs. Jones mocks the entire class every day and was totally rude to me, etc.” and then the priest has to figure out something constructive to say, which to their credit, priests are usually good at doing.

I doubt a kid would go in and just say nothing. At the very least, most kids would vent.

Either way it is as Emeraldlady said, not the proper way to approach the sacrament of confession. Confession needs to be personal between the kid and God and be an expression of the love of God. Perhaps my mother was thinking in terms of my talking to the priest and thus understanding more about God’s love for me and God’s expectations for me. It just didn’t come across that way.

 

[grotto]

Sounds like something that happened - but we can move forward. A daughter at 16 needs to be able to call on the promise of her parents that they will always be there for her - no matter. Learning about her embarrassing herself with an obscene gesture to anyone is the opportunity to strengthen her ability to deal with “others”. Perhaps there was a testy discussion of what is right, wrong, reality of suffering and understanding suffering of others. Imagine if it was a discussion of abortion - life of mother all the blown over justifications we are pounded with everyday. She may have felt like her point was not received and that she was humiliated in some way for her opinion. This is not a level of bullying another, hateful treatment of others, etc. At 16 a young woman is testing her manner of relating to others - one foot in maturity and the other just dancing. Talk it out without adding more heavy crisis and suggest she apologize for her “reply” to the teacher. If her motive was based on a faulty understanding of a life matter, the talk between you would be solving the issue. No need to expand on an apology for a rude reply.
This is how I would hope to deal with this and as I recall the many instances of minor and major “disasters” it makes it another Mom moment! God Bless and hold your fire!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Then this is a time for the teen to learn that there are proper ways to address wrongs. Obscene gestures are never the proper way.

Also, there is the lesson that Christ told us: Love your enemies, do good to those who despise you.

The teen would be wise to tell her parents about the “bully” things the teacher does/says. The parents and the student then approach the school administration.

 

[CoffeeFanatic]

She’s sixteen, not five. If she hasn’t seen ‘the bird’ being flipped before now, I’d be shocked. Your response is to patronize someone that is close to being eighteen.

To the OP: Was she caught doing this by her teacher, or did you catch her doing it? I’d just ask her why she did it. The teacher obviously ticked her off in some way. Her response was immature and disrespectful. However, her being ticked off may actually be justified. An appropriate response would be to ask her to pray for her teacher and/or apologize depending on if the teacher saw her do such a thing. She needs to learn how to effectively deal with people that annoy her and find constructive ways to move forward.

 

[CoffeeFanatic]

Grounding was simply not an effective punishment for me. It gave me an excuse to avoid my family and read in my room. A true punishment for me would have been to actively be around the people that were ‘disappointed in my actions’ and having to do chores.

 

[Lea101]

You sound like a wonderful sister

Thank you!

Because you’re not doing anything really except express your feelings. The other party may even enjoy seeing you so worked up.against them.

Exactly! While the intent may not be so pure, my sister finds it amusing to be overly calm and respectful to confuse and rile teachers up. Again, no pure intentions there at the moment. Better than yelling or crying in the bathroom though.

OP, make this a lesson instead of a discipline thing. Your child needs to learn how to express her emotions in a way that won’t land her in trouble + facilitate conversation. We both know college won’t teach her this.

 

[redbetta]

Why do you put “bully” in quotes? Do you not think that adults never bully those under them?

Personally, there are some adults I have encounter in my youth I regret being polite to. Respect is earned, not automatically bestowed because of an age difference.

 

[Beryllos]

You’ve raised teens? What worked for you?

 

[Londoner]

A good whippin and taking them to apologize plus some extended grounding and good to go.

@CCHcolonel The US armed forces abolished whipping as a disciplinary sanction as far back as 1861. If you would not use whipping to discipline the servicemen under your command, why would you think it appropriate to use whipping to discipline young men aged 16 to 21 in a domestic setting?

 

[Londoner]

Also in Russia, students are taught to respect their teachers and they will stand up in attention as soon as the teacher enters the classroom.

Exactly the same in the UK. Whenever an adult enters the room everybody stands up and does not sit down until invited to do so. For assemblies a bell is rung signifying the entry of the headmaster or another senior master and this is again a signal for everybody to stand until invited to sit.

 

[Brendan_64]

Not all teachers act properly and with dignity and with enthusiasm for their vocation.

I do not think teaching is a vocation. A vocation is for life, it defines who you are. Marriage is a vocation, the priesthood is a vocation, teaching is a profession, a job. As a teacher myself, I get a little bit irritated being told teaching is vocation.

 

[redbetta]

I think people just call it a vocation to emphasize that not everyone has the gifts necessary to be a teacher. And, to an extent, professions do define you. People still call doctors Dr. even when they are outside the workplace or retired.

 

[JMMJ]

Whipping is a colloquial term for anything from a swat to the side of the head to spanking etc. it doesn’t necessarily mean taking a whip to someone.

That is so not correct. You better be careful with that if you ever have your own children. The last thing you need is for them to go out telling people you whip them at home. CPS will be at your door pretty quick.

 

[Kima]

Greetings from another 16 YO.

She needs to learn respect for authority. You should have her apologize to her teacher. It is absolutely important that she learns humility and experience the required humilliation for doing so. Also, make sure you see her doing it, if not, there is a chance that she is just going to lie about doing it. Make sure you also learn her that people make mistakes.

You could as an example make her do the dishes for the rest of the week, clean the toilet etc. as a consequence for doing so.

 

[JMMJ]

Oh. Say no more. That explains it.

 

[Socrates92]

What I mean by “forced confession” is the parent, usually still angry over the situation, ordering the kid to go to confession ASAP or bundling them into the car on the very next confession day - not as part of the regular family schedule - and basically making them go. Now if the kid has actually committed a very grave, possibly mortal sin, I can maybe understand it, but sassing a teacher to me is not grave matter.

Wouldn’t that actually be abuse of the sacrament? If your kid makes an insincere confession about a grave matter, and incurs additional guilt in that, aren’t you implicated in that?

 

[Socrates92]

And I think flipping off the teacher is grave matter.

That is quite frankly ridiculous.

 

[Beryllos]

Show her how it’s done.

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[CoeurRempli]

What consequences do you already have in place at home?
I definitely agree that an apology from your daughter is needed, after you hear her side of the story and have a talk with her about respect

Perhaps schedule a meeting with the teacher, or at least follow up with the teacher via phone call after your daughter apologizes.
Thank you for thoughtfully considering a consequence for your daughter to teach her about respect, rather than excusing her behaviour. She may have been upset or angry, but needs to learn appropriate ways to express her feelings. It’s never acceptable to flip the bird at someone.

Personally, there are some adults I have encounter in my youth I regret being polite to. Respect is earned, not automatically bestowed because of an age difference.

Basic human respect is a given. No one deserves to be treated rudely. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t disagree with or call others out for their actions. Respectfully.
If the teacher is being a bully or if there are concerns, parents should talk to the teacher directly to at least get their story, and if needed, go to adminstration. Flipping the bird is not the way to resolve problems. There are definitely teachers who are bullys out there, but students are also not always truthful. The number of false allegations against teachers has skyrocketed in the past few years, at least where I live.

do not think teaching is a vocation. A vocation is for life, it defines who you are. Marriage is a vocation, the priesthood is a vocation, teaching is a profession, a job. As a teacher myself, I get a little bit irritated being told teaching is vocation.

It is a vocation, I think, in the sense that it is something that people are called by God to do. I don’t think it needs to be confused with vocation as in marriage/priesthood/religious life. Teachers are entrusted with a mission, to serve and build up the next generation of adults.