My daughter, the reluctant alter server

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I don’t understand. Can’t the Priest handle the tasks himself?

No-one is to be force into the role of an altar server, not even if they have become an altar server by choice. We would never expect a young man to be coerced or forced into a vocation for the Priesthood, that is a call from God, not from man. Similarily, a young person is never to be forced into serving at the altar, it is to come from a spirit filled desire of the heart…not from coercion or by force from a parent. Beyond that, Priests are grown men and there is nothing done by altar servers that they cannot do themselves–nothing.

Frankly, I am a firm believer that girls should not be serving at the altar and it is quite possible that deep in your daughter’s heart she feels the same way (or not). Either way it is her choice, not yours.
 
Her dream situation would be your family belonging to our parish…Our parish doesn’t “allow” females in the role of server.
 
pammie said:
My daughter has been an alter server since grade 5. She will be going into 8th grade this fall. (Catholic school) We attend 12 noon Mass every week and alter servers are given scheduled times to serve, usually about 14 times per year. Last summer, she was asked to serve every weekend due to other servers not showing up for whatever reason and she became a little burned out. We asked that she be taken off the regular schedule and function as a substitute only. She continued to be reluctant to serve even in a substitute capacity as agreed. Today at Mass, there were NO alter servers that showed up and our liturgical director was able to get 1 boy from the congregation to serve. She approached my daughter asking her to serve and my daughter refused. I encouraged her to do it since there was only 1 poor kid available and they need more than 1 helper. She refused saying it was too hard to serve with just 2 servers ( meaning herself and the other server ) so rather than helping everyone out–she refused and the poor boy did it alone.

I am very disappointed in my daughter that she did not step up to the plate and help out with serving. I told her I was disappointed and we need to help out our fellow parishioners, our church, when there is a need. It’s a small thing but has greater meaning than just serving Mass this one time. It’s about knowing when someone needs help and helping–even though you might not feel like it at the moment. I am upset, that at the age of 12, my daughter does not get it. I feel this is an opportunity for me to teach a much bigger lesson to my daughter beyond not going up to the alter today.

I know I’m feeling disappointment that may be preventing me from any kind of objectivity right now. Am I making too big of a deal about the whole thing? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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The two step solution to your problem:
  1. Sit her down and make her watch the recent release of the film “The Passion” [of the Christ].
  2. Tell her if Christ could die like that for her, why should she not feel shame for not putting on a robe and serving mass for one hour?
 
I offered to serve even though I am an adult ( I have only ever seen grade school/high school kids serve and have been a parishioner for 12 years). My 8 yr old son offered too. Those who serve are required to go through a training process so I’m sure I would have been an embarassment to myself and others up there! lol. They usually have 4 alter servers for the 12 noon Mass which falls way short in summer.

I didn’t force her to help, I just wish she would have helped just that one time because they needed her, because she could see they needed her, because it would have been a very nice thing to do.
 
pammie said:
I offered to serve even though I am an adult ( I have only ever seen grade school/high school kids serve and have been a parishioner for 12 years). My 8 yr old son offered too. Those who serve are required to go through a training process so I’m sure I would have been an embarassment to myself and others up there! lol. They usually have 4 alter servers for the 12 noon Mass which falls way short in summer.

I didn’t force her to help, I just wish she would have helped just that one time because they needed her, because she could see they needed her, because it would have been a very nice thing to do.
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But she did offer to help - for three years. It really shouldn’t be always up to her and frankly I think three years is a pretty amazing time. I think it’s great that she’s served for so long and it’s really time for other children to step up to the plate.
 
I’d just like to point out that I’ve seen priests do Masses on more than one occasion with nobody. One altar server should be fine. She really wasn’t needed.

Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to serve? Likely it has to do with boys. At twelve, it’s a likely issue. I’m sure there are some stoic boys and girls out there but the reality is that they are a distraction and a hinderance to each other.

Besides that, maybe she’s figured out that serving on the altar is one step towards a vocation that she can’t have. 🤷
 
pammie said:
Yesterday after Mass, I asked my daughter to email our liturgical director **and apologize for not fulfilling her substitute role as agreed. **I then asked my daughter to decide her future role as a server so that we would all know and she officially resigned. It’s now holy water under the bridge!
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That is what I would have been concerned about also, as a parent. Whether she really wanted to be a substitute server or not, she was on the list and should have stepped in when asked.

I think you handled the situation well! 👍
 
pammie said:
My daughter has been an alter server since grade 5. She will be going into 8th grade this fall. (Catholic school) We attend 12 noon Mass every week and alter servers are given scheduled times to serve, usually about 14 times per year. Last summer, she was asked to serve every weekend due to other servers not showing up for whatever reason and she became a little burned out. We asked that she be taken off the regular schedule and function as a substitute only. She continued to be reluctant to serve even in a substitute capacity as agreed. Today at Mass, there were NO alter servers that showed up and our liturgical director was able to get 1 boy from the congregation to serve. She approached my daughter asking her to serve and my daughter refused. I encouraged her to do it since there was only 1 poor kid available and they need more than 1 helper. She refused saying it was too hard to serve with just 2 servers ( meaning herself and the other server ) so rather than helping everyone out–she refused and the poor boy did it alone.

I am very disappointed in my daughter that she did not step up to the plate and help out with serving. I told her I was disappointed and we need to help out our fellow parishioners, our church, when there is a need. It’s a small thing but has greater meaning than just serving Mass this one time. It’s about knowing when someone needs help and helping–even though you might not feel like it at the moment. I am upset, that at the age of 12, my daughter does not get it. I feel this is an opportunity for me to teach a much bigger lesson to my daughter beyond not going up to the alter today.

I know I’m feeling disappointment that may be preventing me from any kind of objectivity right now. Am I making too big of a deal about the whole thing? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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I’ll speak from both sides of the issue…

When I was younger, I was in your daughter’s same boat. Every time I would go to Mass with my parents and siblings, it seemed that I would have to serve. I got burned out rather quickly. I almost dreaded going to Mass because I knew I would have to serve almost every weekend. I would “hide” until Mass started so I didn’t have to serve - remember, I was probably 12-13 years old at the time as well.

Now in the present, I sometimes run into this problem where I cannot get a server to serve on a weekend. If I know that the child has served quite a few times in a row, I’ll try to look for someone else (if someone is there), or step in myself (since now I don’t mind stepping in every so often - keeps my - and the other servers - skills up).

I don’t think you are making a big deal out of the situation - I guess I would start to wonder why the other servers are not showing up - maybe something is happening amongst the servers “behind the scenes” (squabbling, people being bossed around, etc.). I would try to stress the importance of being part of the Mass in some way, but if you push too much, she may lose any desire to return to serving during Mass. Not being a parent myself, I guess I would have problems understanding her concerns, but having trained altar servers for over 10 years, I can understand “burn out”.
 
Thank You dear maherite1977. My daughter choose to officially resign on Sunday after Mass–after she apologized for not helping out. I gave her an ultimatum–DECIDE–one way or another if you will serve or not. I guess she’s done. Now we know and she will probably not be asked anymore. Seems like the good Lord has other plans for her.
 
This may be a bit late, but… this may also be an opportunity to talk with her about discerning God’s will for her and the importance of placing her trust in Him and working to figure out what He wants her to do. It could be boys, it could be something else is stirring inside her and she’s not sure where she’s headed in life, or it could be she’s just plan tired of doing it (we joke our son’s nickname is 'N/A" because it seems everytime “N/A” is scheduled for the Mass we usually attend, our son is serving - alone).

Whatever the reason is, and whether or not she wants to share the reason with you, it’s important that we all learn to take the time to pray and ask God what He wants - and then to couragously do what He asks. She’s going into 8th grade, imagine the challenges that await her in life.
 
1ke said:
I wouldn’t have “encouraged” her, I would have required her to serve.

And, if Christ had decided it was “too hard” to get up on the cross, where would we all be? I think it is a teachable moment that we do some things even when we don’t really want to because it’s the right thing to do.

I just wouldn’t have given her a choice about whether or not to serve. When asked, you serve. Period.

No, I think you are right on target, not making too big of a deal.
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I agree. I am a mother to a 12 year old girl and we went through the exact same thing. My children are subbing alot. I made the mistake in letting my daughter think she had a choice. We went through this a few times then I finally told her “It is not about what we feel or what we may want. It is about helping the priest who is in persona of Christ.”

I had to really educate her on the Mass for her to understand her importance in it all. Sometimes it is about “being seen up there” and just sillyness. We all have to grow up alittle bit. This is one of those times.

Think of how many things she doesn’t want to do, but she does them, for grades for money for approval.

I had to tell my daughter " I don’t want to work but I do it for love of her."

And it is ok to not want to do it but still do it because it is the right thing to do.

Sit with her, way before Sunday, and let her know if she is needed she will be helping. You are the parent. We have to make the choices for them until they can make the right ones for themselves.

No longer a problem here. She knows what is expected of her. And no complaints.

Schedule that talk.
 
A couple of thoughts come to mind.

One has already been brought up by others … burnout. It impacts different people in different ways.

Also, when someone is serving in that capacity, they may feel as if they are on stage for the entire Mass … that everyone is looking at them. It’s not relaxing. It can be downright stressful. And after a while that can really get to you.

There have been times when I was so busy during Mass that I felt that I had to go to another Mass later to participate. I “felt” that I had missed Mass because I was too busy doing stuff to perform any worshipping. It’s not restful; it’s not peaceful; I didn’t get any praying done; I just prayed to get through it without screwing up.

There may also be “politics” at work. There is always some kind of “push-pull” going on … perhaps betwen the “scheduler” and the “schedulees”. Or maybe some sarcasm behind the scenes. Or perhaps someone wants to work anonymously and quietly and someone else goes out of their way to make a public “example” out of that person. Or somebody gets “pushy”. Or somebody starts issuing criticism. I’ve been involved in parish activity for decades and there is always “something”. It’s not nefarious by any means, but sometimes some interpersonal indefinable something takes place and suddenly the situation become uncomfortable. [Have you ever noticed that sometimes people “change parishes”? … they just start going to Mass somewhere else. They picked up on some “vibe” that bothered them enough to change their patterns.]

Rather than force someone to do something, praise them for having done their service and then allow someone else to have a turn. There are plenty of people “available”. That there aren’t more volunteers suggests that perhaps there is some underlying reason for folks not stepping forward.
 
A couple of more thoughts just came to mind:

When someone volunteers to help out for some social club or some similar activity, it’s not a life-time committment. It’s to help until circumstances (whatever form the circumstances may take) change. It’s time-limited. It is NOT open-ended.

After the person’s “tour of duty” is over, then someone else will have the privilege of taking over and helping out for a while.

I have seen situations where some folks made demands on themselves or on others that were unsustainable … people worked themselves until they got seriously ill [requiring hospitalization, for example]. Or other people just avoided them because of the unspoken demand for an open-ended commitment. These were social organizations, not some life and death situation.

On the other hand, I have seen situations where there were huge numbers of volunteers … because tasks were broken down into small manageable bite-size pieces and the commitment was for just that one task and no more. With gratitude. No danger of any kind of open-ended committment.

In at least two Catholic church parishes, I can remember that visiting priests would marvel at the number of volunteers … large numbers of people would come forward spontaneously, do some task quickly, and then move on. Never a shortage of help. I remember one visiting priest who was totally blown away and commenting favorably at how fabulously well everything got done. Another parish actually has almost as many people on ordinary weekdays as on Sundays … because so many people participate. Until 10pm on weekdays, there is always a lot of parish participation. You can drive by any time and just see the activity. So clearly, the pastors and staff have set climates that many people find welcoming.
 
While it seems to me that what this is really about is a larger issue of parenting where mom is concerned about her child learning certain principles about commitment and the nature of liturgy, I don’t see where there is necessarily any obligation to help out EVERY time one is asked if only on the substitution list. Now, perhaps this is where some of the misunderstanding was or burnout occurred. Does being on that list only mean that one is available to be asked and accept sometimes or does it indicate that one ought to jump to say yes each and every time there is a perceived need? Perhaps there was a difference in understanding clearly what the obligations of commitment were here on both sides. Personally, I don’t see an inherant problem with her saying no under these circumstances. Afterall, it’s quite legitimate to think, “Go find somebody else for a change!” if you’re the one who is always getting called upon. Everyone needs a break and the ability to have some say so in their level of involvement.
 
I really don’t mean to start a war, but doesn’t anyone see a problem with girls serving? Its not as if they can ever be priests… maybe she just sees this isn’t for her as it’s on the lines of a vocation for men.
 
Hi Pammie,

My daughter was an altar server for 12 years (including her college years). She was amazingly committed, but there were ups and downs. I remember an incident similar to your daughter’s – my daughter was asked to serve too often and was feeling rebellious about it. I reminded her how she’d been a model to other young people in the parish, but that if she could decide what other apostolate she’d like to be involved in (parish or elsewhere), then she surely wouldn’t hear any objections from me about her resigning from altar serving.

I believe we parents have a right to expect our children to worship with us, no matter how they feel – and to be involved in some kind of ongoing service to the parish or community. They also deserve our encouragement and praise, and our time to regularly pray with them about it. I hope you’ll help your daughter discern how she wants to continue to serve.
 
1ke said:
I wouldn’t have “encouraged” her, I would have required her to serve.

And, if Christ had decided it was “too hard” to get up on the cross, where would we all be? I think it is a teachable moment that we do some things even when we don’t really want to because it’s the right thing to do.

I just wouldn’t have given her a choice about whether or not to serve. When asked, you serve. Period.

No, I think you are right on target, not making too big of a deal.
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I agree completely. My altar server needs “encouragement” now and then. Even though he’s on the schedule, sometimes they need help at Mass (during his unscheduled times), especially during the summer months. He knows that if he is needed, that he is obligated to help out.
At some point, when he’s in his teens, he may no longer wish to serve. We will allow him to quit at that time.
 
jules11 said:
I really don’t mean to start a war, but doesn’t anyone see a problem with girls serving? Its not as if they can ever be priests… maybe she just sees this isn’t for her as it’s on the lines of a vocation for men.
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I think that some here would like to read that into the situation, but I don’t see any reason that it was the case in this situation which we could reasonably extropolate.
 
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