My husband is emotionally abusive

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RosaRosarum

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After almost 3 years of marriage I finally admitted to myself that my husband is emotionally abusive. He is very bad and short tempered with me. He bullies me, he tries to make me feel stupid and second guess myself. He also says it is all my fault, that I am ruining everything. To make an example, the other day he had a tantrum and snapped at me because I bought an $8 thing on amazon that he thought wasn’t useful. I said I would return it. He left the room saying “you screwed up”, all mad, again, for an $8 thing that could be returned for a full refund. He exaggerates things. also, I cannot do the laundry without being lectured on how I should do it, because I am awful at it. this is all so irrelevant, why fighting about it? who cares? he does. he notices every little thing I do not do to his liking and uses it against me in a continuous quest to belittle me. I wasted so much energies trying to reason with him. it was all pointless. I tried therapy, he never joined me once. It was good for me, but it just confirmed what I already knew. But I guess it was good to hear it from a professional. Anyways, long story short, I am stuck in this marriage, with a 1 year old, who is the love of my life and I don’t know how to just make it work, and get some peace. I try to ignore him, I do my own things (I am a doctor, and the bread winner at the moment, which is also good because there is no way his selfish tricks will work on me) provide for my family, spend as much time as possible with my adorable baby and try to move on. every day is a battle. I have been mad at the Lord because I felt he abandoned me, deceived me into this marriage. He knew how much I wanted a family, a husband, and this is far from a happy marriage. I stay for my child, but I must admit I wish we could go our separate ways. anyone else been there? pray for us. thanks to all that will read my message.
 
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I’m sorry you have these problems but try not to be mad at God.

It sounds as though your husband needs therapy himself. He’s obviously unhappy with his lot, maybe his career. He may be unhappy that he isn’t the main breadwinner.

I am a male so I won’t be of much use with this problem, but I’m sure many others will offer you support later. All I can say is that when I had relationship problems I prayed to Our Lady for help and to send an angel to abide with us to help bring peace and tranquility to my house. After three days this actually happened, it wasn’t a trivial matter. So I’d recommend that a sincere heartfelt plea might well help you in the short term.

Couples counselling I’ve heard often helps too, but to get both parties to engage in it you both need to agree that there is a problem of course.
God bless and prayers.
 
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thank you. empathy is really what I need. I really hoped he would join me to therapy, to be honest I started it to see if he would go. The problem is that he doesn’t see the problem. To him the problem is me, I am the bad guy, I am ruining everything (whatever everything is), I am bad tempered (he literally says that while he is yelling at me!!!). He is delusional. He sees reality through his eyes only, he is very selfish.
I did pray our blessed Mother, and I do have many angels in my life that help me get through, the first one is my baby who is truly God-sent, then I have my parents, my pastor and a couple friends I felt safe to open up to. but it’s tough, because he doesn’t see the problem, so we are far far from making things better. also his mother and siblings think he is like this nice guy, so thoughtful, and you know what? he is when others are around. this is how he manipulates me and others: he perpetrates the abuse only when there’s no witness.
My only fear is for my baby, I don’t want her to be affected, I want her to break the circle, I don’t want -whatever my husband has- to be passed on to her. I want her to grow up happy. it’s tough. if it was only me I wouldn’t be too worried, I would find a way. But I feel very guilty for not admitting this to myself while we were engaged because I totally started to figure out something was off. but I ignored it because I was in love and stupid.
 
I am going to make more comments that might be hard to hear, but I can’t not say them. This will get worse and will , if not stopped, get to the point where you feel absolutely useless and worthless. It will take a while, and be very subtle, but it will happen if this continues unabated.
What happens if you were to disagree with him?

You are questioning his behaviour and thinking wt… keep questioning it.
You are not trapped or stuck. You can leave , even if only till he fixes himself.

And these things usually cross over into physical abuse.
What happens is the boundary of how to act or treat another is shifted with each event, and that leads to escalation with each episode.
For him to spit the dummy over an 8 dollar item you bought with money you earned…

Would he go to a mental health professional for an investigation to see if he has a disorder?
 
RosaRosarum said:
spend as much time as possible with my adorable baby
Click to expand...
Just one thing you’ll probably not like. It is possible that your husband may feel a little rejected if you’re spending a great deal of time with your baby. I know, you have to, so perhaps you might try consoling him with a few words which don’t take long and making him understand that you still care for him, if you do. Having a child is a big change in a marriage and it takes time to adjust. Maybe encourage him to share in the responsibilities of looking after your beautiful child?

Ok so I’ve just read your reply. You think perhaps your husband has a mental disorder of some kind? That would change my ideas somewhat. As a doctor then I’m sure you know the possible remedy for that.
 
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I am worried about that. But if he’ll ever make me feel like I am in danger or ever try to touch me in an abusive way I would leave without looking back. No questions about this. my baby and I will leave at the speed of light. but he is my husband. I am bonded to him. I promised the Lord that I was in this for the long haul. I do think he has a disorder. I also know what traumatic experienced might have cause it (which is being abandoned). he is a tender dad and loves our baby dearly. He takes care of her every day during the week. I know our current arrangement is not easy for him, as a man. But it’s not that I am forcing him to do anything. he is in grad school! I am supporting him through it, if anything, he should be grateful. I know he will be proud of himself when he graduates, and my hope is for him to enjoy what he does, to like his work, feel like he is contributing, feeling like a man. but school takes time, this is just a phase. I understand he may feel depressed and all, but I just had a baby, I didn’t get a break to keep supporting us all, I am making sacrifices too. I never get a thank you. NEVER. so it is not easy for me to be affectionate or reassure him. he has hurt me so many times and so much, that I feel detached and honestly, staying detached from him is the only way to protect my feelings. imagine if I didn’t put boundaries. making boundaries clear is crucial with people with his disorder. if I didn’t do it he would totally walk all over me. he wished I didn’t have boundaries, as he would feel in control. 'cause see, it’s all about control. if he feels he controls me, he feels stronger, he feels better. this is all about himself, and how he feels. the clinical name for his disorder is different, but I think it should just be “selfishness”.
 
You may need to separate for the sake of your child. I’m not saying divorce, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with the baby…especially when the baby reaches age 2. Toddlers are a challenge for anyone to deal with, and I would be very leery of how an emotionally abusive person — especially a person who flew off the handle about an $8 purchase that could be returned — would deal with a toddler’s temper tantrums and developmentally appropriate generally defiant and unreasonable behavior. Childhood scars from emotional abuse take years to heal, and possibly never heal.
 
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I think. you see, I am too involved into this to maybe be totally objective. that’s why I wanted to go to a therapist. but I am really not sure anymore that reassuring him is the right strategy. in fact that was my first strategy, and it was the worse 6 months of my life. he reached the point of saying I had bipolar depression and that I was sick. he would gaslight me all the time. I was on no sleep just after having our daughter, while working full time. he had no compassion for me. so -since I know a thing or two about medicine- I went to see 3 specialists and all agreed: I was exhausted and I simply needed sleep and some support. but that I already knew. I told him to come with me so he could hear it by himself but he never agreed to go, he even said I lied to all of them like doctors wouldn’t have enough training to see through a patient’s lies. everyone is an idiot, he only is smart. after finally recovering from childbirth and sleeping, and just getting back on my feet I was able to see things for what they really are and that he has a problem.
 
I am sorry. I can only offer a prayer for you. A reply is unnecessary.
God bless.
 
I thought about doing that. however, I am not a citizen yet. I will be applying for my citizenship next year. I am worried about custody before I become a citizen. if he truly is abusive and truly has this disorder, I am worried about possibly not getting full custody or getting shared custody. it’s really not that easy.
 
HUGS!

First thing, the LAST THING you want to do is to mirror your husband’s blaming behavior, right? Begin with asking God to forgive you for blaming Him for the marriage. We choose our spouses, and sometimes we make the wrong choice. God does not come down with lightning bolts and swarms of locusts to stop us, He allows us free will. The simple step of owning it, realizing that you were duped by someone who seemed to be one way and turned out to be something else is freeing on its own.

Second, do you want your precious child to grow up with this as the example of what a husband and father is supposed to be? There is nothing, nothing, stopping you from taking some time away. Separation can be necessary to heal a marriage if it is salvageable.

Make an appointment with your priest early next week.
 
God said to his Apostles and Disciples, if they got a bad reception leave that town and shake the dust from their feet.
God does not expect us to stay with abusive people.

You have already started to make excuses for his behaviour. You know the behaviour is wrong, you know it can and will escalate, yet you are in denial. That’s the stage you are at with all this.

Some women stay in that stage for decades. I stayed in that stage for a very long time, even after he tried to kill me once or twice.
It finally took a doctor to point it out to me . Even then it took a few years till I ended things.

I know where you are coming from and where you are at.
You are also very confused because you are listening to his gaslighting, you are starting to wonder, is it really you.

Please take no responsibility for his behaviour
Please make no excuses for it either.

First thing for you to do is learn how to shut the door on gaslighting and go what we call ‘grey rock’

I am going to throw around a few clinical names that some of these people align with
Narcissism, borderline personality etc

When I learnt and stopped the relationship, it was like being able to breathe again. Can you imagine what that would be like, to be able to breathe without walking on eggshells.
Can you imagine what it would be like doing the laundry without all the grief, or buying something online.
You aren’t responsible for his depression, trauma, etc
You don’t have to walk on eggshells to give him power or make him feel control or strength.
 
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thank you that is great advice. I will do that. it is true, it is my responsibility. I chose him and I chose to ignore the signs.

on the second point, we cannot afford to separate at this time. my salary is good but it’s the only income we have and as mentioned he is finishing up school. I don’t hate him, so I still wish he would finish his studies. that would also allow him to take care of himself, if we do separate. if I leaved now I am not sure what we would do. we would have to move to a less expensive city (we currently leave in a big city, very expensive). I would loose my job, which does give me some stability. it’s not so easy. I wish it was.
 
oh my gosh. you are making me cry. this is exactly what I am in right now. you are right. thank you. thank you. that’s exactly it.
I guess I am in denial, I just cannot accept that this is truly happening to me. How could I let it happen to me, and now to this poor child? I am so mad at myself.
 
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Speak to your therapist. Excuses are our way of trying to justify inaction. Speak to your priest. He will remind you that you are a precious child of God and that you do not have to be subject to emotional abuse.

I know, It is not easy to stand up and take charge of circumstances because it can be soooo embarrassing to know that our family and friends, our colleagues and the neighbors will see that we are not as perfect as we want them to think we are. I will pray for you to have courage.
 
I have been there sister, for years.
The doctor I went to for one or two of his inflicted injuries after an incident said to me how did that happen, she knew ,
I made about three excuses before I finally said my partner did it.

She said, that’s domestic violence.

I knew of course, but it took a complete stranger patching me up to point it out to wake me up.

It’s normal. They are so good at gaslighting us. We buy into it.
 
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is this really just the beginning? is this really going to escalate to that point? I cannot believe he could do us any harm. this just keeps making me cry. I do feel hopeless. I feel like nobody would believe me. most people I talked to at first tried to see his point of view, made excuses. I don’t think many believed me. I know my parents do believe me but they live in another country so it’s just hard on them. I don’t like to make them worry.
 
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