My husband is emotionally abusive

  • Thread starter Thread starter RosaRosarum
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thankyou qwertygirl, lou, lee and others who are speaking with the voice of reason and compassion

@rcwitness
RosaRosarum said:
. he reached the point of saying I had bipolar depression and that I was sick. he would gaslight me all the time…I told him to come with me so he could hear it by himself but he never agreed to go, he even said I lied to all of them . everyone is an idiot, he only is smart.
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read that and understand the issue
rcwitness said:
help from men in the Parish is not to “fix” him, but help convict him of his behavior and establish a separation with terms.
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it could make things dangerous for the OP. He could retaliate badly. This is what you are missing. You are not hearing.
rcwitness said:
We should encourage to seek healing through Jesus.
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We heal, we abused women who were almost killed and hurt continuously for the extent of our relationships. We heal through Jesus, We don’t do heal when staying exposed to the antics of our abusers. Or trying to get them ‘help’
rcwitness said:
understand some do not heal because of the hard heartedness of one or both. Trust me, I know this!
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You are in fact victim blaming.
rcwitness said:
It’s not Atheist Answers Forum
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a persons religious stance is irrelevant
This has to do with criminal behaviour that leads to people living personal nightmares,
rcwitness said:
If a husband is a abusive and not following the Word, does that mean a wife should give up on him?
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it is not her responsibility to fix him, support him, accept blame and responsibility for his behaviour. Nor is it hers to not give up on him to the point of injury pain and death of her or her children.
rcwitness said:
And I know what would reach my heart to make real change.
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so what reached your heart, you said you abused your wife. and why, in that case, do you not understand what the dynamics are of this situation.

You will find, RCwitness. that the statement from above
he even said I lied to all of them
and
everyone is an idiot, he only is smart.
and
I did nothing wrong, It didn’t happen, I never did x y or z to you
are very common in these men.
They do NOT take responsibility.
rcwitness said:
Well, I can’t prove it in Scripture, but I truly have abused my wife.
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You state you have abused your wife, you yourself need to get off this thread, stop giving advice and go get help to ensure you never ever abuse your spouse or children in the future.

And the OP needs to keep this last point in mind when reading your responses , as does anyone in her position, or the position I was once in.
 
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Roseeurekacross said:
You are in fact victim blaming.
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Excuse me? Because I said some dont heal? You sure are good at manipulating my intentions! I was referring to abusers.
You state you have abused your wife, you yourself need to get off this thread, stop giving advice and go get help to ensure you never ever abuse your spouse or children in the future.
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I know very few people who have NOT abused their spouse to some degree. The problem with the OP’s husband, is he does not want to take responsibility for himself. He is sick and fallen deep into his abusive behavior. Ya know, some people care about their spouse, even though their spouse is very wrong, unhealthy, and hurting them! Yes! Believe it or not! It’s not just about kicking them to the curb, and shaking the dust off their shoes! Some of us actually love the spouse who abuses us, because we can stop judging their soul and make the hard decisions, yet still hope for their change.
 
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You are coming dangerously close to advocating the OP stay with her abuser. She should go with her baby as soon as possible.
 
I’ve actually advised the exact opposite! I’ve enouraged a separation with terms. Part of those terms is to love them, and express that. And another part of the terms should be a family Mass together. And yes, part must be that he enrolls himself in therapy! If those (or however Rosa determines with the pastor) aren’t met then legal separation happens.

The OP does not want to divorce. She has related that they are Married and bound to one another, in the Lord. She has come to a Catholic forum to discuss her relationship, in light of the Christian faith.
 
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First: Thank you all for responding so quickly and for the support. It’s bittersweet to know I am not alone. I am sorry for those who have gone through this or worse.
Second: some very good advices were given. Yesterday I reached out to theHotline. That was a big step for me. I’ve also used my connections to find a specialist to help me decode my husband’s behaviour. I need to hear the diagnosis from an expert… and I also found legal advice. I’ll look more into my rights. If I have to wait for my citizenship, for the sake of my baby, I’ll do it. I’d do anything for her.
Also I’ll prep an exit plan. I’m not ready to leave now, but I want to have it ready should the situation start to escalate. I do am a strong person and I know what I’m worth. My job, accomplishments, my relationships remind me of that every day.
 
Hi, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am sorry to hear you abused your wife. Physically or emotionally? May I know why? Why did you do it. And if you stopped, how did you make it? Are your wife and children happy now?

You said some things I would agree with, some. I do agree that I value our marriage, as a sacrament. If I didn’t I would have left already. I remember very well what I vowed in front of God. And that makes it a whole lot more difficult and I think he knows and he uses it to his advantage. I also know that in life, everyone has a cross to carry just like Jesus on his way to the Calvary. This is my cross and I know I’ll have to carry it forever either if I leave or not. He is my baby’s father and we’ll be forever bonded. So of course I first tried to fix it and the Catholic way. I do am a Catholic. My faith is actually stronger than ever. I talked to my Pastor and marriage counselors from our Parrish. The pastor knows his well. He used to teach RCIA! We met at church. But his faith has been weak and superficial lately. The past year was very eventful and not all with happy events. I know that this is not my fault. And I know what triggered my hudbands behaviour. I am getting better are understanding his triggers. Also you mentioned not give up on him, and to be a good an submitted wife like the scriptures say and he shall change his behaviour, inspired by my righteousness. Believe me I know those lines of the Scriptures, I read them all the time for support. I have not been a good submitted wife, I have also not been a fully good Catholic when I hated him. Yes hated him foe what he was doing to us. I am trying to let go, to forgive him. I think that in his own way he loves me, but that this is all he can. He felt neglected growing up and he needs to deal with the ghosts of his past. I cannot force him. I cannot make him do what he’s not ready to do. So what do you think I should do to inspire him to take care of himself and his issues? How can I inspire a change? Feeling impotent is what most hurts me because I don’t know to what degree he is aware of his disorder. Until he realizes it there’s no hope for change.
 
I am sending you a big virtual hug, wherever you are. Your words touched me the most. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you are happy now.
Also, I wanted to ask if and how where you able to keep your children safe and how are they now. I am mostly worried about my baby.
I have been thinking a lot about how I got to this point. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but wondering how come I didn’t see it??? Why did I ignore those signs… I blame myself for putting me, my baby, my parents who worry so much for us in this situation. I am very lucky to have an army or people praying for us. I think prayers have a shielding power. I pray every day our guardian angels to keep us safe. You’re also right, I’m still in the denial phase probably. I just can’t believe this is happening. I wish I could do something about it…which is probably a problem, because I can’t.
 
We are married and in the US. I am a permanent resident. I’m applying for citizenship soon. I’m from EU.
 
I even discussed this my therapist: I grew up in a home where my dad was somewhat abusive. He had anger issues. He would snap easily. He would yell a lot, and so were my grandparents. My mom suffered but she is thick skinned and stood up to him and handled him like a pro. After therapy, years on counseling at church too, my dad is a new man. My mom was amazing but they did almost split and they did live apart for a while under the same roof. I wonder if the fact that I am somewhat used to drama is part of the reason why I didn’t pay too much attention to his bad temperament. I want to break this vicious circle though. I want my baby to be loved and respected like she deserves.
 
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No law firm. A lawyer friend of a friend. Who has been victim of abuse herself. It’s amazing what happens when you dare asking for help!
 
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Why are you stuck in the marriage? You are a doctor and making your own money. You don’t have to put up with abuse of any kind. Jesus wouldn’t want you to stay in a marriage where your husband makes you feel bad about and doubt yourself.

You have a one year old to think about. Get out now for both your sake and hers. Your husband isn’t going to change. The emotional abuse will worsen with time and may, at some point, become physical. You and your daughter don’t need that.

You are worth so much more and deserve far better.
 
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I’m sorry for your situation. My parents’ marriage was like that. I had to intervene when I got older. Lots of prayer on my mom’s end. Pray you have the wisdom to figure out your husband. Something is bothering him. He just doesn’t know how to tell you. It was the case with my dad. If something didn’t go well, he’s blame My mom. Maybe he doesn’t as respected as you’re a doctor… after all. You and he aren’t on the same page in terms of values?
 
Is it possible that he may be cheating on you and his fits are just to stop him feeling guilty?
 
And so what? If you’re here to find excuses for his abuses it’s not helpful. He’s very good at it, he doesn’t need help.
 
You may be right, but so what? Is that an excuse to abuse me and in front of our infant child?
 
This may not be a very popular post, but, here goes…

OP,
You are in a dangerous situation. Right now, don’t try and analyze your husband! He is dangerous the way he is. That’s all you need to know, until you, along with your child, are safely out of the house! Don’t try and understand your husband, or get him to pray to the right saints! Get out! You are fortunate enough to be earning a doctor’s wages, so you’re not poor. But even if you were, my answer would be the same. Get yourself and your child to a safe place! In or out of the country, you have to be away from him! Don’t stay to reassure him that your child won’t come between you…you’ll probably do better, the further you are from him. It’s just a matter of time before the abuse gets physical. Don’t let this happen. You’re in survival mode, now. Once you are out, and he knows he can’t make you move back in, then you can talk about therapy, prayers…which I have nothing against. But, you have to be safe, first. This isn’t a long-range solution, and I hope you can work on your marriage. This is about when you should act, not how you should resolve things! And the time to leave was yesterday. Probably earlier!
 
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