My husband is emotionally abusive

[Roseeurekacross]

They are so good at appearing normal to everyone else.
They bring their A game so to speak.
Everyone would tell me how caring warm and loving my guy was.

These people are very good at alienating us and getting our friends, their friends and family to gaslight us too ,
There is a name for that, I can’t remember right now.

They are master manipulators and get better at it with age and experience

 

[RosaRosarum]

does separating makes it better? not sure you had children as well. how did they do? I am so worried about custody. he is very eloquent (he’ll be a lawyer). I am worried that with his training and his eloquence he’ll find a way to take my baby away from me. and what do I do? it’s a risk I am not willing to take. this all feels like a big nightmare. I think I need to talk to a layer first to understand my rights.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

You have to set boundaries , but it’s hard to think about what’s happening and what boundaries to set until you are away from it.
My child was kind of grown.

I take it you are in USA and married? What is your home country

 

[1ke]

You need to get the best lawyer your doctor salary can afford and make a plan to document his narcissistic abuse and gaslighting, check whether your state is one or two party consent for recording audio and video and then set up the nanny cam surveillance. Get the best custody deal you can with your lawyer, aim for full custody and supervised visits for him. If you are the breadwinner, talk to the lawyer about minimizing what he can get his hands on, but even if you have to give him money cut the best deal you can to keep him away from your kid.

I’m dead serious, this only gets worse from here. Make a plan and then leave or serve him papers and change the locks.

Step one: talk to a lawyer. And leave no paper trail he can find to tip him off. I’m serious. I have a crazy narcissist brother and he’s left decimation behind him— run up credit cards, stolen money, etc.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

It feels like a nightmare, but you are a strong intelligent woman, you can get through this. And will probably fail the first few times, but that’s ok.

 

[Norseman82]

Ask yourself this: based on your knowledge of him and the situation, what do you think would happen if you stood up to him? Bullies have a tendency to stop after they are stood up to (maybe not right away, but if you keep up with your self-defense, it normally will get better).

Other questions:

1. Has the abuse ever gotten physical? Often that is the next step, so be prepared.
2. Are there firearms in the house?
3. Do either or both of you have family nearby, or are you a far distance from them? (I reread your post and saw your parents are in a foreign country; is there any other family nearby?).
4. Does this type of behavior exist in his family?
5. ETA: You mention that your parents are in another country and that he is studying to be a lawyer. Are there immigration issues he might use to blackmail you?
6. ETA: Regarding the fact he is studying to be a lawyer: spousal abuse might prevent him from admittance to the bar (legal profession), as I have heard of certain moral standards being required.
7. ETA: I saw that you are a doctor and the breadwinnwer. That may give you certain leverage and also provides you with a world of contacts that can help you, so you are not alone. Do not let yourself get isolated. At the same time, does the fact that you are the breadwinner (combined with the stress of law school) make him resentful?

Just one thing you’ll probably not like. It is possible that your husband may feel a little rejected if you’re spending a great deal of time with your baby. I know, you have to, so perhaps you might try consoling him with a few words which don’t take long and making him understand that you still care for him, if you do. Having a child is a big change in a marriage and it takes time to adjust. Maybe encourage him to share in the responsibilities of looking after your beautiful child?

BINGO! If he is jealous of the baby, remind him that it is his baby, too.

 

[Chicken_Pigeon]

I’d separate until he gets psychological help.

If he doesn’t then this will only get worse for you and your self esteem will suffer until your job performance suffers and you become depressed yourself. If he doesn’t get help, then I’m truly sorry. But if you don’t separate you are enabling his behavior by staying with a man who abuses you. I’m not trying to be harsh or anti-catholic here nor am I blaming you. I’m truly sorry this is going on. I grew up abused. Saw my mom get abused. Im just saying he won’t change unless you do something drastic like separate.

Bokbok

 

[rcwitness]

I agree with most all of your advice. And separation can be a healthy thing for everyone.

But Jesus telling the Apostles to shake the dust off their feet of a home or town who does not receive them is not the same thing as a husband and wife, in the Lord.

This is her husband, and we should all respect that.

Again, I’m not criticizing most of your advice. This man definitely seems to be abusing and need help. The OP can help in ways, but needs to help herself first.

OP, are there men in your Parish who can speak with your husband and be with you when you Express you need a separation? He needs someone to convict his behavior!

 

[rcwitness]

Document things. Get a calendar and write down things that happen (like a log of your activities with the child, and his behavior)! Keep it hidden, of course.

This is in case he fights you according to State law. It will go very far in your defense!

You can separate and still love him. Establish a 6 month period and ask that he begins therapy. Reasure him you love him, but that he is hurting you.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Rcwirness, you are male, You haven’t been in this situation , men talking to men won’t fix this.
This guy is in denial about his behaviour as the op said , and will most likely be for a very long time, if not forever.

Jesus does not expect a bad marriage to be endured. We aren’t meant to be submissive little punching bags.

The OP is helping herself, she has been to therapy,
And has now said the words of the title of this thread.
That’s absolutely huge, a massive step.
She is not responsible for his behaviour and never was and never will be.

 

[rcwitness]

You’re not addressing anything I’ve said.

The suggestion to ask men to speak with him, is not to fix him. It’s to convict him of his behavior and support a separation.

The Church can help and we should seek that first. Legal lawsuits are a last resort.

Appeal to the faith first.

I’m all for separation. And requiring him to see a specialist. Separate with terms!

I am a man, and am speaking about what would be most effective if I were behaving bad.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

I do not have to address anything you said , why do you think I must?

You really do not understand the dynamics of situations like that.

But that’s ok. Until people are having to deal with these nightmares, they can find it very difficult to understand the depth of it.

 

[rcwitness]

I do not have to address anything you said , why do you think I must?

Then dont respond to what I’ve said.

A Christian Marriage (with a child!) is NOT the same as the Apostle’s relationship with strangers they were preaching to. Vastly different!

THAT WAS MY POINT.

And help from men in the Parish is not to “fix” him, but help convict him of his behavior and establish a separation with terms. The OP is the one who needs to tell him she wants a separation. Not a divorce. But a separation with terms, intended to heal their Marriage.

 

[Norseman82]

Rcwirness, you are male, You haven’t been in this situation , men talking to men won’t fix this.

If the “conversation” involves a trip to the local boxing gym for a spar session, it just might. As I recall, was not one of the roles of the brothers of a girl to serve as a protection to the sister?

 

[Norseman82]

Document things. Get a calendar and write down things that happen (like a log of your activities with the child, and his behavior)! Keep it hidden, of course.

I would add to that to log any and all witnesses, times, and places. If the OP lives in a one-party consent state for recordings, I would suggest taping the abuse if she can do so secretly - even if it may not be admissible in court, it could be useful if the OP decides to go the route of an “intervention” so that any attempts of the husband to lie will be quickly quashed.

 

[Convert3]

Reading your story brings back horrible memories. Your situation is eerily like mine was years ago, with the main differences being I am male and I’m a natural born citizen.
My first wife was as you described your husband. I hung on for thirteen years before we finally divorced. My son was three years old at the time. My primary concern was to limit the damage to my son. I had done a lot of reading and realized the longer we stayed together the more likely my son would suffer. I was in the military at the time and knew I wouldn’t get custody, so it wasn’t an easy choice for me. I wanted to be the best father I could. She was a control freak and didn’t want me in my son’s life, except for support checks. After the divorce we had a long battle over my wanting joint custody and detailed visitation rights. I offered her a fair deal, which, after thousands of dollars in legal fees because she wanted more, she still ended up getting what I originally offered. For years she still fought me for more until a judge finally threatened her with giving me full custody if she didn’t cooperate.
It was very hard, but in the end, my son grew up to be a very good man, and a terrific husband and father of his own son. He went through typical stages of trying to play us off each other for things, and other childhood issues. But I am so proud of him. He still loves his mom, but moved out on his own at 18 because he couldn’t live with her anymore. Now that he is 29 we are closer than ever because he understands why things happened the way they did. I never said bad things about her to him. His mother struggles and has cut off herself from her parents and siblings. But he stays in contact and visits all his family. He’s a great kid.
I guess my message to you is there is hope for your daughter. I can’t tell you what the right decisions are for you, but from my experience, if they refuse to make an effort to try to fix things, they can’t get fixed. I was able to get an annulment for my marriage just by telling the truth. I also am married now to a wonderful woman who has also been an inspiration to my son. I’ll pray for you and your daughter. God Bless!

 

[rcwitness]

What efforts in the faith were made? You seem to jump right into legal disputes and lawsuits.

Were you practicing Catholics? Did you go to pastors? Was there a separation with terms and intentions to work on things?

Was your wife and you ever faithfully Catholics?

Married 10 yrs before a child? That’s a long time!

Sorry for questioning so much, but this is a Catholic forum, and the only thing you mentioned about the faith was annulment, which depicts a lack of faith in at least one of you.

 

[Convert3]

She was Catholic, I was Protestant. I tried many times to get her to talk to a priest or a marriage counselor. She refused, because as the OP’s experience is, my wife claimed I was at fault and should get counseling, that she wasn’t the problem. I went with her to Catholic Mass for years, even though I was Protestant at the time.

You seem to jump right into legal disputes and lawsuits

Thirteen years of marriage is not jumping into legal disputes and lawsuits. I was sent to Japan while in the Air Force. I came back to visit and she wanted me to stay in a hotel. The first morning I was served with divorce papers.

This thread is about the OP, not me. I was just relating a very similar experience I went through and the results. She needs to make her own choices without our judgement.

 

[Lou2U]

Please, talk to a lawyer and get yourself and your baby out of that situation.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve so much better than his blame-games and anger.

I told him to come with me so he could hear it by himself but he never agreed to go, he even said I lied to all of them like doctors wouldn’t have enough training to see through a patient’s lies.

This stood out to me. What a horrible man he is. You are right - he is the problem not you, and don’t ever forget that.

Keep yourself safe.

 

[Lou2U]

@Roseeurekacross you are an inspiration I have so much admiration for you.