My husband wants a divorce and I'm in shock

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I’m so sorry to hear this. At least your husband cares enough to admit you two may not be right for each other. He loves you as the mother of his children, even though he doesn’t love you as a wife anymore. You have kids and family that will support you. Try to be as easy on your husband as you can so he can start over. If possible, ask him if marriage counseling is okay. You don’t want to do that to your kids. Divorce just seems wasteful. I’m glad to hear he hasn’t cheated on you before. My dad’s cousin had a husband that asked for a divorce about two weeks ago. He quickly moved out of the house, and now he can only see his kids every other weekend. Also, your husband sounds like a decent enough guy if he supported you and loved his kids. He had a change of heart at the last second, but he didn’t want to hurt you. He tried to make it work. Anyway, this husband’s name is Dave, and he was cheating on his wife for a few years. She found out about it, and still asked him to go to marriage counseling, because she was that loving. He refused, and decided living alone in an apartment without his family was better than being married. I wanted to kick his ***, and I still do, but he’s too much meat for an eighteen year old geek. I go by Dave, so imagine how annoying that is for me.
God Bless You, and you can message me anytime you need to.
 
Breezy16 said:
I’m so sorry to hear this. At least your husband cares enough to admit you two may not be right for each other. He loves you as the mother of his children, even though he doesn’t love you as a wife anymore. You have kids and family that will support you. **Try to be as easy on your husband as you can so he can start over. **If possible, ask him if marriage counseling is okay. You don’t want to do that to your kids. Divorce just seems wasteful. I’m glad to hear he hasn’t cheated on you before. My dad’s cousin had a husband that asked for a divorce about two weeks ago. He quickly moved out of the house, and now he can only see his kids every other weekend. Also, your husband sounds like a decent enough guy if he supported you and loved his kids. He had a change of heart at the last second, but he didn’t want to hurt you. He tried to make it work. Anyway, this husband’s name is Dave, and he was cheating on his wife for a few years. She found out about it, and still asked him to go to marriage counseling, because she was that loving. He refused, and decided living alone in an apartment without his family was better than being married. I wanted to kick his ***, and I still do, but he’s too much meat for an eighteen year old geek. I go by Dave, so imagine how annoying that is for me.
God Bless You, and you can message me anytime you need to.
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Well, Dave, for Catholics, we don’t see things the same way. “Starting over” is not a Catholic concept when it comes to divorce, because the vows we speak really mean something to God. So Contra Mundum is shattered because for a Catholic, marriage is supposed to be for life, not just until one of the parties wants a new start. If both husband and wife took their vows with full awareness of the impact of their words/actions, then there is no divorce. The couple may separate, but never remarry.

Anyway, we’re getting far ahead of the situation - Contra Mundum has only just heard this statement from her husband and we don’t know if there’s a chance that he is seeing another woman or wants to. We don’t know if they might be able to fight through this with counseling. We just don’t know. Why don’t you join us in the Novena for her?
 
Daisybee, Shelley, Juliane and all others, thank you for starting the novena. I will also pray it.

Yes, this is truly an amazing site. I mean, it is all real. People are real behind these user names and the anonimity of the internet. The support is real. I feel like I almost know some of the people here., their personalities shine through. I always know I will get good and honest advice (and a few lectures that make the poster feel good about themselves, but that is unevitable 🙂

I have only spoken to my mother and one friend from home so far. My mother is upset, she keeps repeating I have to do everything to save this marriage and is somehow missing the fact that it is my husband who is reluctant to do that and that I am far and beyond willing. The two of us must do this, I can’t save our marriage by myself. It just doesn’t work like that. She thinks that if I plead for long enough he will change his mind. She is sweet and I know she will do anything fur us to help, but I can’t really talk to her.

The friend has just gone through a divorce and she knows what I’m going through. She tried for years with a man who pretended all was well, refused to try and improve things in their marriage, and then left her out of the blue when his gambling addiction became impossible to handle. It will be nice to be in her company when i get home, because she is experiencing the same thing, she is strong and has her feet on the ground and Jesus in her heart. She has such strong faith. I am so blessed to have her as a friend.
 
I had a good sleep last night and feel better. Today I feel angry with my husband. He seems like such a coward and a selfish brat. I am also angry with myself for being fooled by him. If you met him you’d think he was a really lovely man, so kind, so sweet, caring, devoted to his family, not a selfish bone in his body. He seems so genuine. But the reality is that he is scared, insecure, afraid to be who he is and to be honest with people. He is a little boy in a grown man’s body. He always says the right thing in the nicest possible way. Henever hurts people’s feelings. He has the ability to make me feel safe. I trusted him completely. Thus the mess. It was easier for him to play this game for 7 years, rather than break up with me and move on when he realised that we were not right for one another. No, he married me instead because that was easier and didn’t hurt my feelings. What a nice guy.

I never saw this coming and trust me, I am not dumb. I simply can’t believe how I fell for his act and am now in this situation. I really think he needs psychoteraphy because of his problem with honesty and lack of any ability to communicate his feelings and thoughts. Even if he doesn’t do it for us, he should do it for hiself. But he doesn’t want to. He seems content to stay the same, move on and probably repeat the same thing with someone else. I doubt there is a perfect woman for him. He needs to sort himself out. This is what I’m trying to convince him of now. But it is hard, because he is so determined to get out of our marriage and sees all of this as an opportunity for improvement which he doesn’t want.

I’m now starting to wonder if I should just let him go. I mean, he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want our marriage to improve. He wants to get rid of me. Even if we stayed together I would constantly live with the fear of this happening again, and again and again. Would that be worth it? Would the kids be better off like that? They would not see crazy scenes and screaming but they would understand something is wrong. That kind pf stress is awful for the kids. Should I just let him leave us now when I am 36 yo.and young enough to build a decent life for myself, and the children are so small that they would not remember living with him and so would not suffer from the separation and sense of loss? I think that soon I will have my answers. I feel so strong. I am thinking about what is best for me and the children in the long run. Your prayers are carrying me through this. I can’t thank you enough for that.
 
I am actually glad that you are getting angry, it means that you will be able to set boundaries with all of this and not allow your shock and emotional dismay to get the better of you. Anger is a helpful energizer, at least I have found it to be so.

Have you been able to see or talk to a lawyer yet? Please do not just “let him go” until you get what is lawfully yours from the marriage. Such as, insurance, retirement savings, other savings and investments, etc. Property. Do not sign anything without talking to a lawyer.

Praying for you,
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Would that be worth it? Would the kids be better off like that? They would not see crazy scenes and screaming but they would understand something is wrong. That kind pf stress is awful for the kids. Should I just let him leave us now when I am 36 yo.and young enough to build a decent life for myself, and the children are so small that they would not remember living with him and so would not suffer from the separation and sense of loss? I think that soon I will have my answers. I feel so strong. I am thinking about what is best for me and the children in the long run. Your prayers are carrying me through this. I can’t thank you enough for that.
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I think it’s quite understandable that you’re angry! You have been treated terribly, unjustly.

I must say that I am a little concerned about the questions above being posed to CAF members…if they are only being posed to CAF members. It seems that at this critical time, it is essential for you to speak with a priest, and with people who have training in marriage and family counseling if at all possible, even if tele-counseling is the only possibility for the latter right now.

I have a good friend who is a priest, and he often says that the many, many people he speaks with carry a burden of a “Father-wound” throughout their lives because their fathers were absent and/or emotionally distant. If there is anything that can be done to prevent your children from experiencing this, it seems it would be worthwhile to investigate it. Fathering is especially important as children enter pre-teen and teen years…

You may be interested in this post (In the Absence of Fathers) by Father Gordon McRae: thesestonewalls.com/gordon-macrae/in-the-absence-of-fathers-a-story-of-elephants-and-men/
 
daisybee said:
I must say that I am a little concerned about the questions above being posed to CAF members…if they are only being posed to CAF members. It seems that at this critical time, it is essential for you to speak with a priest, and with people who have training in marriage and family counseling if at all possible, even if tele-counseling is the only possibility for the latter right now.
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I am asking them to myself. Writing here helps me gather my thoughts, as well as get opinions of others. Many people have experienced something similar and I value what they have to say.

I also grew up with a ‘father wound’. He was very distant and unavailable. That is why I am aware of the importance fathers play and the thought of my children growing up without their father terrifies me. I know what it’s like. My mother grew up without her father and has had issues with confidence, self-worth, men, and trust. My cousin (male) also grew up without his father. A number of my friends also. My mother and cousin are probably the best (or worst) exaples of what that does to people.

I will check out the link, thank you.

I went to confession this morning and also talked about this. The priest told me to keep with our daily life as usual, keep calm and wait until things settle a bit. He said that when there is an explosion like this people are not capable of rational thought and behaviour, which perfectly describes my husband at the moment. He said I shouldn’t even mention councelling at this point because my husband is not at the stage where he can accept it and that that is normal. He said that things will be more clear soon, and that I should stay here.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
…issues with confidence, self-worth, men, and trust…
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Even people who have both parents can grow up with issues with confidence, self-worth, men, and trust. And children with parents with problematic relationships held together for the ‘sake of the children’ can be very damaging and can grow up with those issues also.

CM you have my prayers and sympathy, and so does your husband who is betraying himself as well as you and his children.
I know that there is much sorrow and hardship and pray that God will guide and bless you and your husband, and will help you to protect your children
 
I am sorry for you. I think that he may have found someone else. Based on my experiences in life some men dump their wives only when they find someone else to replace her. They don’t like to be alone. It’s despicable and cowardly.

I will pray for you.
 
You sound like a balanced person. It’s difficult to figure out what to do when someone drops a bombshell like that. Yet, you have the best sense of what’s going on with him (better than any of us online). Trust yourself. Continue to talk with a priest and counselor if possible. Make sure you are protected financially. Have a plan B ready in case he really wants to go through with this breakup. My opinion is that if he suddenly surprised you with this, he’s been thinking about it for some time and has probably already made up his mind. I had a similar experience (a sudden announcement). My advice would be trust God and hope for the best but stay practical.
 
Some very sound suggestions there and I can see you are searching for the solution that’s best for you, and looking after yourself sensibly. None of us know you or your marriage enough to tell you what you should do so I’m wary of saying too much that could be read as specific direction. Only you can decide what’s best for you and your children.

However, one thing that stands out for me is I don’t think your mum’s insistence that you nag your husband to come back or in any way trying to force any aspect of the situation would work - and might make things worse. But you seem to be aware of that as well as knowing it’s not all down to your efforts. She means well and is in shock herself, but needs to let you sort it out in your own way. I know from my own experience that you can push things and people away when you try too hard to get them or start involving negative emotions.

As far as we’re concerned there are endless possible final scenarios - from an unavoidable permanent separation to an eventual miracle conversion of your husband, or him having a total change of heart when he sees you getting on with your life happily without him. Any of those outcomes or anything in between are possible, it’s just a case of making sure it’s right for the two of you and your children, even if it means a legal divorce in the end. I would add, though, that it’s amazing how sometimes (not always) just letting a guy see you are strong and don’t need him makes him want you more! And of course, if you act like that, after a while your subconscious starts to believe it and you will feel so much stronger and independent. But let’s not get into that here, just try to look after yourself as best you can, which are you doing.

One thing to remember is that you’re going through the 5 stages of grief right now. You probably already know all about them. Although no-one’s died, it’s like the husband you knew has gone forever. This has created waves of unavoidable change right through your life, so the life you had last week has effectively died.

It sounds like you’ve been in the denial/isolation stage and have now entered anger. This is healthy so long as you don’t let it take over or become too prolonged so you may need help to work through it. Bargaining comes next which can involve some self-blame (if only I had done this; I’ll do this if you do that etc) - anything to get things back exactly the way they were but of course, you can’t erase something like this from your life. Even if your marriage heals there’ll always be a scar. Positive negotiation with your husband directly or through a professional mediator/counsellor is great, but you must be wary of any thoughts of self-blame or other destructive feelings that might creep into your mind. Accepting responsibility and being accountable when appropriate is one thing, it’s positive and constructive and enables people to move forward. But blame in any direction is negative and destructive. It’s hard to see the difference sometimes, but there really is one.

The other two stages are depression (including the healthy feeling of loss and sadness but also negative or excessive fear and worry) and finally, acceptance which allows you to carry on with the rest of your life in whatever form it takes, and take appropriate positive action instead of giving in to the worry which achieves nothing. Of course, you may not go through them in the same order; you might revert back to previous states occasionally or you may even appear to miss one out. But at least knowing they’re there and that it’s all natural is helpful to your growth.

Your anger is good. Just don’t let yourself get stuck in it or let it take over you to the point where you want to inflict real or imaginary pain and suffering on your husband or any other party if one emerges. And don’t be direct the anger at yourself either. Anger that you hold onto will only fester and cause you physical and mental illness in the long run - not to mention harm to your own soul. The devil lurks, waiting to pounce on vulnerable souls and right now you are a prime target. What seems justified and likely to pacify your anger might simply be sin and death in disguise. Try to turn your anger away from people and more toward situation and the sin that may have caused it, rather than the people involved, and don’t give Satan the satisfaction. Easier said than done, mind.

BTW - I’m enjoying this novena and learning about Elisabeth Leseur very much, so thank you to the person who suggested it (sorry, can’t remember who that was at the moment). I’m also praying with the Venerable Margaret Sinclair who was a close friend of my husband’s family and Godmother to his great aunt who’s still alive. I’ve got St Joseph on the case too so I’m convinced you’re going to be fine no matter how difficult the road ahead. And try not to worry about the children too much - yes, there can be problems later on when a father is absent, yet equally they are resilient little things who only need love to achieve wonders. Get yourself through this and the rest will follow.

Wow - the more I think of it the more I think you’re amazing for coping with such horrible circumstances far from home, and working through it so rationally with love and dignity. You’re doing great. You are great. Never forget that.

xxx
 
Shelley11 said:
Wow - the more I think of it the more I think you’re amazing for coping with such horrible circumstances far from home, and working through it so rationally with love and dignity. You’re doing great. You are great. Never forget that.

xxx
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Thank you so much. Prayer keeps me sane and going to confession today helped me a lot.

The overview you provided is great and I will return to it. I’ve been blaming myself today. I know that I could have done better in regard to some things. I wish I could turn back time. But there are things that happened because of my husband’s non-existent communication skills. I don’t read minds. I figured some things out and read between the lines but not all.

I’ve felt fine for the most part of the day but am feeling really sad tonight. I can’t even look at him. I think we’ll sit down and talk later, with some nice cheese and wine. That always helps 🙂

I have no idea what will happen. I am hoping for the best and slowly preparing for the worst. Even if it comes to that I will be in no rush to pack up and leave. I know that I will be able to sort out a few things back home first and prepare things for us. I know I will have a good support network there.

I spoke with a good friend from Edinburgh today. She works in the field of psychiatry and has said some interesting things about my husband. For example, she thinks that he is very compliant and that that could be the result of his extremely OCD mum. She said that she noticed it immediately, but that us laypeople are probably not aware of it and would consider him simply as a very helpful person. She agrees that he needs councelling in order to stop playing the role of the star pupil or the favourite child and that he must find his own voice. She really got me thinking and I’ve been remembering the variety of ways in which he pleases people. He always figures out how to do that. He has a very agreeable personality and people like him very much. But he has no close friends. The only people in this world he is close to are his brother and me. I always found this strange, but he says that he is quite an independent person who is happy with his own company. I don’t know if this means anything and I don’t know if this pseudo-analysis of him will help me in any way. I guess I’m just trying to figure out how I managed to be so blind to all these things.

The Margaret Sinclair connection is amazing! It’s like having a real celebrity in your family 👍

Btw, have you ever been a part of the monday evening Bible study/prayer group at the Sacred Heart? I think there was a Shelley. Maybe we’ve met before. (I apologise if I’m being too nosy here. This is an anonymous forum after all.)
 
Schieffelin said:
Try reading this article and draw some hope and inspiration from it theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
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I have read the article. I came to the same decision as the woman, to ignore him and to just go about my daily life. Yes, we will talk but decisions will not be made in haste. I told him that I will do whatever I decide is best for me and the children, even if that means staying here in Malaysia with him until his contract ends. He said fine, no problem, sounds good. I’m not expecting things to change over night. I know that the next few months are going to be very difficult and just weird. Us living together but with a huge question mark above our heads. I will try to just get on with it and eventually see where I stand and what the next step should be. I would probably feel more confident about our future together if we were married for longer. But it’s only been 4 years plus 3 years of dating before. I don’t know if the longevity of the relationship makes any difference.
 
Dear Contra Mundum,

I keep repeating that you need to see a lawyer ASAP, and last night I was thinking about your situation which may be complicated. If your husband still insists on a divorce, do you have to go back to his country to do this? Will he cooperate to get that done? What about annulment? Does that have to be done in the diocese you married in? I don’t know how it works in Europe, but it does seem that you have a few things to work out in any case.

You seem a sensible person who would not allow her husband to have control over all the finances, so I hope that is the case and that you cannot be shut off from any money he brings in. I used to be naive and think the best of people. I got burned more than a few times and now, although I do believe that we are all children of God, some people have no problem looking out for themselves even if it hurts others at the time. And I never tell myself, “Oh that person would never DREAM of doing such a thing!” Oh, you’d be surprised. So please, protect yourself financially. Really you are protecting your children, because they are innocent in this and if your husband suddenly takes off with the family money, where would they be? It happens every day.

You are processing and trying to understand what has happened, trying to understand why the person you took vows with has suddenly made a decision against your interest. It’s totally normal. We can only know what is going on inside a person if he or she knows and acknowledges it, and decides to show and tell us. I know that when our son was going through his final throes of rebellion, and was having sex with his girlfriend, I found out that my husband DEFINITELY does not support the Church’s position on birth control, nor on abortion. We’d never had a reason to discuss it before. He also holds a sort of grudge because the boys have been taught MY belief system and not his. These are things he has held inside for years, and never spoken aloud. He is a very private person and has been vengeful in the past. So I am wary now, and never assume that he agrees with me, especially on matters of faith (he has none). He’s played along for 13 years, but in his heart of hearts he doesn’t agree and doesn’t like it particularly.

Anyway, this isn’t about me. I just hope that you are able to speak with a lawyer who understands the sorts of issues you may have if your husband wants to go forward. The one thing I would say if it were me is, “Sure, you can get out tomorrow. All you have to do is sign all the bank accounts over to me, all the shared property over to me, and sign a custody agreement that gives me full custody of the children with no disputes. You will do this in front of a lawyer, we will then go to the bank and withdraw all the funds, and then you can leave.” I would hire protection at that point and leave the country and go back home.

Thinking of you and praying.
 
Oh you poor thing. I hate that you’re there in so much pain and must feel so alone. At least it sounds like you’re doing all the right things and talking to some very helpful people.

Your husband does need to be in counselling too. It sounds like there are many variables involved. I hope he accepts counselling for himself and your marriage and perhaps will recognise his responsibilities in this. There are always going to be things we regret saying or doing with hindsight - none of us can get it right all the time. We’re human and can only do our best in the moment, but life doesn’t come with a manual. This is what I mean about not blaming yourself but perhaps recognising where you could have said or done things better so you can focus on changing the way you do them the future, rather than dwelling on the past and metaphorically beating yourself (or him) up for it. That’s something you both need to do. It’s a positive and constructive step.

Given how much your husband feels the need to please, perhaps he’s been trying to please in and through his marriage all this time and he’s suddenly become all too much for him. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone into it in the first place or maybe he needs to understand divorce won’t solve anything and he needs the support of his wife and children. Oh Lord, who knows. Don’t listen to me, I’m no expert. Your friend sounds very wise.

🙂 Margaret Sinclair being the Godmother of his Godmother was one of my husband’s chat up lines when we first met, although I’d never even heard of her then! His aunt/godmother loves to talk about her. It would be a real dream come true of Margaret were made a saint during his her lifetime but we need many more prayers. There’s a long way to go. 🙂

It’s interesting that you mention the Sacred Heart. I’ve only been to mass there once before but yesterday after the pro-life protest we all went back to the hall for coffee and snacks. I was so impressed - a very beautiful facility. I’ve never been involved in any of their activities before so you and I probably haven’t met. Maybe in the future though.

I’m sorry you’re so sad tonight. I hope your conversation goes well - be careful with the wine and cheese, though, nice as it is. Too much wine may make you more emotional and cloud your judgement and cheese might give you bad dreams, so if you feel worse in the morning, that could be the reason!! Just go easy.

Ugghhhh - I’m sure a lecturer. :rolleyes:
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I spoke with a good friend from Edinburgh today. She works in the field of psychiatry and has said some interesting things about my husband. For example, she thinks that he is very compliant…
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Thinking of you this Sunday, Contra Mundum.

Your friend’s description immediately reminded me of one of Dr. Gregory Popcak’s radio shows, during which he speaks to a man who seems to be having struggles similar to yours. (The man’s wife, a compliant kind of person, suddenly one day announces she is not happy in the marriage and never was, etc., etc.) I happened to remember the date because I was travelling a long distance by car that day, and came across the show while driving.

You may find the interaction between the man, Kevin, and Dr. Gregory Popcak interesting. Kevin’s call starts at 8:30/8 minutes 30 seconds into in the September 25 program. I’m not sure which link to the program will work, and so I will paste in both:

avemariaradio.net/archiveListen.php?file=hms_20120925

avemariaradio.net/showArchive.php?id=hms
 
It’s the line about “I’ve never actually been happy” that comes up so often when another person has come on the scene. Of course it’s a lie, but that new person makes life seem exciting again and so it seems to the cheater as though the previous emotions have been counterfeit. That is not the case but the excitement phase has long since worn off and now the true love has to be worked on, day after day, and some people can’t live without the excitement of that initial rush of hormones, emotions, etc. of attraction.

“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is also a common “get me outta here!” phrase. If you read Michele Weiner-Davis’ website you will see that she has concrete techniques for working on such a situation even if the other person won’t try. That’s IF you decide that you want to save the marriage. Adultery is an absolute deal-killer for many people, including Catholics, even knowing that unless an annulment goes through, we’re never going to be able to re-marry. I’m not sure I could ever forgive that betrayal.

But anyway…Those 2 common statements by a spouse who wants out, frequently point to at least an attraction/flirtation with another person outside the marriage, and many times, it’s already been initiated.
 
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