My now homosexual husband wants custody

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JulianN said:
I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. But please, do not do this. Or at least, check with your attorney to see what the ramifications of saying this would be.

If the court believes you are influencing your children to see their father in a negative light, you may not have the level of custody you do now.
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This.

Also, how you speak of your ex will show your children how you will treat them if they sin.
 
It’s more likely that he is constrained by court rules. In many states, there is a presumption of joint legal/physical custody unless there is a serious reason (that endangers the children, for example).

Since it is legal for the father to remarry another man, the judge cannot use that as a criterion for judgment. And if the father chose to appeal on the religious question, the Church’s teaching that his lifestyle is immoral would be likely to work against any claim that Catholicism should be the sole faith of the children.
 
Capta(name removed by moderator)rudeman said:
I think time is the only cure here. Eventually, they’ll realize that their dad was a cheating you-know-what and they’ll resent him for ruining their happy family. They’ll probably pick up on your emotional distress, too.
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You know, many people here are thriving on the notion that “one day the kids will know their dad was a cheater, and then they will move closer to mom and her Catholic faith”.

I have to ask, why do the children ever need to know their dad cheated? That is the last thing one should want on the heart of their child, because it would be so painful. Kids are smart. You tell them the marriage didn’t work out because daddy is gay. You leave it at that. As adults, they may put the pieces together. Surely mom and dad shouldn’t be discussing the sex life they did or didn’t share, or any of the other private things that go on in a marriage. I just find this whole attitude quite distasteful.

I can only go on what I know. I have a friend, as well as my sister who were in OP’s exact position. Unfortunely it is far more common than it should be. The gay person wants to be accepted and they think they can ignore the fact that he/ she is gay. In my sister’s case, the kids were raised in both religions and they love their dad and his husband. They were in elementary and middles school when the divorce happened, and they are in their late twenties now. They were taught that human beings are flawed and make mistakes, and that their dad is a good man who made some confused choices in marrying my sister.

As painful as this situation is, it is loaded with teachable moments, but none of them should be “Daddy was a cheater”. It may be true, but a lot of things are true and none of us is perfect. After all, the marriage broke up because daddy was gay. The fact that he cheated is secondary. At least I hope that is why the marriage failed. The alternative would be to teach the kids that it would have been better for daddy to stay in the closet and for mom to pretend nothing was wrong. Not exactly an honest approach to living.
 
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That’s what I mean. She never has to tell them that he cheated. They’ll figure that out themselves. I did with my parents.
 
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But you sounded like you weren’t recognizing the part of dealing with the situation in love for everyone involved in the situation. You sounded rather spiteful, and like you feel the dad would have it coming for the kids to shun him. Perhaps I misread your attitude.
 
I don’t think you did, at least entirely. I have a hard time being sympathetic to adulterers, so it’s really likely that I was subconsciously using harsher words. It’s something I need to work on.
 
I used to feel similarly. Then I realized that the adultery is usually just a symptom of a problem. A symptom which is in, and of itself, a huge problem. But not usually the problem of origin in a troubled relationship. I am not suggesting adulterous behavior should be tolerated or accepted. Quite the contrary. But if one is able to set it aside for a bit to focus on what the real problem was that lead to the poor choice of engaging in adulterous behavior, then it is sometimes a little bit easier to not be so bitter about the breakup of the marriage.

That is just what I have learned. I am old. ☺️
 
QwertyGirl said:
I used to feel similarly. Then I realized that the adultery is usually just a symptom of a problem. A symptom which is in, and of itself, a huge problem. But not usually the problem of origin in a troubled relationship. I am not suggesting adulterous behavior should be tolerated or accepted. Quite the contrary. But if one is able to set it aside for a bit to focus on what the real problem was that lead to the poor choice of engaging in adulterous behavior, then it is sometimes a little bit easier to not be so bitter about the breakup of the marriage.

That is just what I have learned. I am old. ☺️
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And then there are jackholes who have good spouses, good families, and choose to act immorally and destroy everything. Sometimes the “real problem” is that someone is acting like an unethical moron.

The husband of a friend of mine left her a few years back to be with a woman he had known exactly 2 1/2 weeks. They have a young son together. My friend was completely devastated, of course, and was most angry for one reason: he was showing their son that commitments to family mean nothing, that women can be easily discarded, and that marriage vows are not binding. Were the same to happen to me, I would hope that eventually my children would learn that their father acted horribly, willfully chose to destroy their family, and these actions are not honorable. We can love people who act horribly. But we should also be able to identify horrible behavior so it’s not repeated.
 
That is a horrible situation. I am so sorry for your friend.

But back to my original suggestion… It sounds worth considering that the problem of origin is that the husband got married when he lacked understanding of what a healthy marriage is. Terrible, to be sure. But not something one should use to poison his kids minds about the multi-faceted (as we all are) person their dad is. The dad is pitiful, and his behavior should not be tolerated. Who knows why his attitude towards marriage is the way it is. Maybe he never had a good example of marriage in his life? Maybe he is such a weak person that he needs instant gratification to get through life and doesn’t know a better way. There are many possibilities. I still think the message should be that daddy couldn’t be happy in our family so he left. It is a teachable moment about personal accountability and how you shouldn’t rely on others to make you happy (referring to the dad looking for happiness outside of the marriage) .

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are broken people in this world. I don’t think it benefits anyone to try to inspire others to turn their backs on them.

I will pray for your friend and her children that they may find peace.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
That is a horrible situation. I am so sorry for your friend.

But back to my original suggestion… It sounds worth considering that the problem of origin is that the husband got married when he lacked understanding of what a healthy marriage is. Terrible, to be sure. But not something one should use to poison his kids minds about the multi-faceted (as we all are) person their dad is. The dad is pitiful, and his behavior should not be tolerated. Who knows why his attitude towards marriage is the way it is. Maybe he never had a good example of marriage in his life? Maybe he is such a weak person that he needs instant gratification to get through life and doesn’t know a better way. There are many possibilities. I still think the message should be that daddy couldn’t be happy in our family so he left. It is a teachable moment about personal accountability and how you don’t rely on others to make your happy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are broken people in this world. I don’t think it benefits anyone to try to inspire others to turn their backs on them.

I will pray for your friend and her children that they may find peace.
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He is multi-faceted (as are well all). Sadly, one of his facets is he’s a cheater who chose to enter another relationship while still married. By making this choice, he’s poisoned his relationship with his child to some degree. I don’t believe he “lacked understanding of what a healthy marriage is” (how could we possibly know this?) and I don’t believe this is why he climbed into bed with someone else. Even if we could say he lacked understanding, committing adultery is a choice that he made and he certainly knew that it was an unacceptable choice within the confines of marriage.
 
Agree on all points.

Obviously, he isn’t a healthy person. Healthy people don’t, as you say, climb in bed with someone else when they have a wife and children at home.

The husband needs to be dealt with… By his wife and by the divorce court. I find it disturbing, though, in this thread the number of people who adopt the “he will get what’s coming to him when his children reject him” attitude. I don’t think it is charitable for the kids, and I think the spouse left holding the bag may see it as encouragement to attempt to pit a child against his lowlife parent. That is all I was trying to address. Not the relationship between the spouses.
 
Capta(name removed by moderator)rudeman said:
I don’t think you did, at least entirely. I have a hard time being sympathetic to adulterers,
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You’re not alone. While I am sympathetic to a gay man married to a woman, he is still responsible for his decisions.

So, in this case, he opted to have sex with a person who is not his spouse. Whether the other party is male or female, that makes him a cad in my book.

Especially as there are children involved. I know, I will surely hear the sob stories of how he, as a gay man, must be able to live according to his deepest desires.

Grow up. The world does not revolve around such insipid sentimentalism.

So, now Gay Dad is happy and fulfilled and married. Good for him! Meanwhile, his kids are now under the purview of the state, which can review and adjust custody assignments anytime it sees fit - until the kids are 18. He sold out his rights as a parent to the state do he could get his rocks off!

Their whole world has been destabilized, their family unit dissolved. Because Daddy couldn’t keep it in his pants.

There is nothing admirable about that to me! (And I DO support gay marriage! It’s cheating I despise.)

There are loads of studies out there now that clearly show that children are harmed economically, psychologically, and socially by divorce. Decades ago, the wisdom was “Happy parents, happy kids.”

Well, the latch key kid generation is all grown up now, and they called B.S. on that. No excuses, the body of evidence is clear. Divorce is bad for kids.

If you are in an unhappy marriage, whether you’re gay or not, and choose to break up your family so YOU can be fulfilled…

I’ve just no words for that kind of selfishness.
 
Qwerty, it boils down to this: unless there’s abuse, stay in a loveless marriage over breaking up the family. At least until the kids are 18.

I loathe cheaters.
 
Oh Captain. I apologize for losing my wits on this subject. It’s a sore one for me, too.

I am deeply sorry you went through that pain.
 
I don’t think anyone here is disagreeing with you. You are preaching to the choir.

The issue being discussed here is how to handle it when a marriage does break up and it is because of the bad behavior of one or both parents. Then, it is about the kids. As parents, I think job one is to teach kids not to live in anger and hate, regardless of what the issue is. That doesn’t mean one has to turn a blind eye to the bad behavior, or accept or tolerate it. It means a parent has to be creative and loving in the way they guide the kids through the trauma of having the family break up.

Families break up. It is sad, but it is a reality of life. Obviously a happy, intact family is what is best for the kids. But when that isn’t an option, then what? Turning kids against the offending parent is not the way to go, in my opinion.
 
I’m 7 years removed, it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I still resent my parents for it though.
 
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