My priest avoids eye contact with me

[catharina]

I think he was acting strangely before - so I was pointing that out. I guess, unfortunately, I and probably others didn’t know that her inviting him in was wrong and that it would be translated as disrepsect or a lack of respect for the Eucharist.

I was in the hospital after a serious accident. I was in no mood to chat… on drugs with 1/2 my ribs broken, etc… and someone from the parish (I didn’t know the person as I was from a different parish) brought Communion to me and started a chat… “oh… so you know so-and-so? We go here on the weekends, blah blah blah.” It was pleasant, but certainly didn’t seem as though it fits this common knowledge about not sharing pleasantries. Wouldn’t this person, according to these rules, need to not chat it up casually?

So sorry about your experience. It shouldn’t happen that way.

 

[Solitude]

I already feel very shy and withdrawn from him after today.

That’s the way he wants you to feel. He is distancing you. I don’t think you can know – or should try to figure out why. Various posters have given you various theories but you don’t need to know why. He has his reasons and they are good ones. I would NOT apologize because this will just magnify the situation. I would not draw attention to the situation by trying to talk about it. I would keep my distance and be very formal with him in the future, which will probably make him more comfortable. Also, since one possibility is some kind of attraction, I would be very careful about looking at him with adoring eyes and be extra careful to dress modestly. I would also offer a decade of my daily rosary for his needs and intentions.

 

[Joya]

That’s the way he wants you to feel. He is distancing you. I don’t think you can know – or should try to figure out why. Various posters have given you various theories but you don’t need to know why. He has his reasons and they are good ones. I would NOT apologize because this will just magnify the situation. I would not draw attention to the situation by trying to talk about it. I would keep my distance and be very formal with him in the future, which will probably make him more comfortable. Also, since one possibility is some kind of attraction, I would be very careful about looking at him with adoring eyes and be extra careful to dress modestly. I would also offer a decade of my daily rosary for his needs and intentions.

Very nice response, Solitude. Serap, you remind me of myself. I think other posters are correct in their theory about the attraction. May I ask is if he is in the same age group as you? If so, then this is a real possibility.

On another note, I want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. The very same incident happened to me this year with a wonderful priest who has a prominent position in our diocese. We had a lovely rapport and all of a sudden it was like-poof!-he acted as if he didn’t know me well or couldn’t be bothered to spend the time chatting with me as had in the recent past. At a recent event, he spoke at length to other women, but it was very clear that he was distancing himself from me. He is a bit older than I, maybe 8-9 years difference. My intuition told me that the issue was a physical/emotional attraction to me or that he was perceiving me as attracted to him and did not want to create any scandal. By the way, I never made any advances toward him, but I am by nature very friendly, open, and extroverted and perhaps this was taken the wrong way.

So, here’s my advice: respect his wishes by keeping your distance from him as well. You can say, “hello, father” after mass but limit it to that. That is what I have had to do. Don’t worry too much about this. According to your story, you’ve done nothing wrong so just put all of your energy into your husband and child.

God Bless!

 

[Kazimer]

Serap :

I appreciate and respect the position you are in and that it is an uncomfortable one for you.

However, asking yourself and others, thinking and rethinking all the “whys” and “what ifs” as to what has changed in the relationship between your pastor and you will not solve the riddle.

Simply gather up your courage and either call or see whoever schedules the pastor’s appointsments and set up a date and time to speak with him.

There is no need to explain the purpose of the meeting with anyone other than it is regarding a faith/spiritual matter and leave it at that. Be brief ,yet courteous regarding your request.

Once you have made the appointment continue your prayers asking The Holy Spirit to give you courage , guidance and an openness of mind, heart and spirit in this matter.

There is no need to rehearse the conversation ahead of time trying to anticipate what the pastor will say and your responses.

On the day of the appointment summon your inner strength, say a quick prayer ( ex : Holy Spirit give me strength), take a deep breath and simply begin.

Hopefully, a dialogue will start between your pastor and you.

Remember, you are not there to interrogate him, but rather to simply understand the situation and to bring any issues out in the open so as to move forward.

Once this conversation has begun, you will have a better idea as to what has happened, how to proceed and feel at peace that you are doing something rather than ruminating.

If during and/or after the meeting with your pastor you do not feel like any progress has been made, then at least you know you did the best you could, offer it up to God and let it be.

Peace and Strength to you.

 

[Kazimer]

Serap :

I appreciate and respect the position you are in and that it is an uncomfortable one for you.

However, asking yourself and others, thinking and rethinking all the “whys” and “what ifs” as to what has changed in the relationship between your pastor and you will not solve the riddle.

Simply gather up your courage and either call or see whoever schedules the pastor’s appointsments and set up a date and time to speak with him.

There is no need to explain the purpose of the meeting with anyone other than it is regarding a faith/spiritual matter and leave it at that. Be brief ,yet courteous regarding your request.

Once you have made the appointment continue your prayers asking The Holy Spirit to give you courage , guidance and an openness of mind, heart and spirit in this matter.

There is no need to rehearse the conversation ahead of time trying to anticipate what the pastor will say and your responses.

On the day of the appointment summon your inner strength, say a quick prayer ( ex : Holy Spirit give me strength), take a deep breath and simply begin.

Hopefully, a dialogue will start between your pastor and you.

Remember, you are not there to interrogate him, but rather to understand the situation and to bring any issues out in the open so as to move forward.

Once this conversation has begun, you will have a better idea as to what has happened, how to proceed and feel at peace that you are doing something rather than ruminating.

If during and/or after the meeting with your pastor you do not feel like any progress has been made, then at least you know you did the best you could, offer it up to God and let it be.

Peace and Strength to you.

 

[Joya]

Serap :

I appreciate and understand the position you are in and that it is an uncomfortable one for you.

However, asking yourself and others, thinking and rethinking all the “whys” and “what ifs” as to what has changed in the relationship between your pastor and you will not solve the riddle.

Simply gather up your courage and either call or see whoever schedules the pastor’s appointsments and set up a date and time to speak with him.

There is no need to explain the purpose of the meeting with anyone other than it is a matter regarding faith/spiritual matters and leave it at that. Be brief ,yet courteous regarding your request.

Once you have made the appointment continue your prayers asking The Holy Spirit to give you courage , guidance and an openness of mind, heart and spirit in this matter.

If it helps you to focus review what you want to find out and write it down if it helps you.

However, there is no need to rehearse the conversation ahead of time trying to anticipate what the pastor will say and your responses.

On the day of the appointment summon your inner strength, say a quick prayer ( ex : Holy Spirit give me strength) and simply begin.

Hopefully, a dialogue will start between your pastor and you.

Remember, you are not there to interrogate him, but rather to simply understand the situation and to bring any issues out in the open so as to move forward.

Once this conversation has begun, you will have a better idea as to what has happened, how to proceed and feel at peace that you are doing something rather than ruminating.

If during and/or after the meeting with your pastor you do not feel like any progress has been made, then at least you know you did the best you and leave it be.

Peace and Strength to you.

I completely disagree with this advice and respectfully ask Serap not to follow it. Doing so will only put the priest on the spot and he will avoid being honest with her. He will deny that there is a problem and it will make any future contact between the two of them more uncomfortable.

Furthermore, although serap feels frustration and confusion, the priest does not owe her an explanation. Respect the fact that he wants distance for now for whatever the reason may be.

I don’t know if Kazimer if male or female, but please take my advice as woman, wife, and mother like yourself, who has been in your predicament (I posted my thoughts before Kazimer in #43, I believe).

Kazimer’s thoughts, although well-intentioned, will only worsen the situation. Sorry, Kaz.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I would definitely not approach your priest about this situation, nor about the Eucharist issue, either.

Personally, I find it a bit of a stretch to make all of these assumptions about him based on some eye contact issues and his discomfort at being asked to come inside and visit when he was on a specific errand.

It’s great that you appreciate him and have such admiration for him, but perhaps you are a bit concerning to him. If your husband is often at work on Sundays, and isn’t seen at mass with you - and you already scheduled a one on one meeting with the priest - and every time after mass expect to have some attention from him - and previously invited him in to visit to your home - he might actually be thinking that YOU are attracted to HIM. And therefore he is doing his best to steer clear of that situation.

“Hanging back” at mass and waiting until everyone is gone so you can speak privately with him will only reinforce his concerns.

I just am doubtful that a seasoned priest is so overcome with feelings and emotions toward a young married woman with a baby. He’s been around thousands of young married women with babies. What seems more likely is him being extra aware that a young scrupulous woman might have a very over-developed sense of gratitude toward her confessor, and mistake that for romantic feelings… IF he’s even thinking about this situation at all!

 

[Joya]

Priness Abby,
You called the priest a seasoned priest. Has the OP revealed his age and/or years in the priesthood? It is my impression that he is on the newer side. I’ve asked the OP to tell us if he’s in her age bracket.

 

[SoulRebel777]

a married woman shouldnt be meeting with any man alone , be he a priest or not.

My advice is to leave the Priest alone, and only talk to him in public settings like most people do.

If you need to talk to him in private make sure your husband is there , with the exception of confession of course . But go to confession when he normally hears it, dont make special appointments.

 

[Seatuck]

cmri.org/08-sick_call.shtml

The above link is a good reminder for Catholics to check when having a priest or EM come for distribution of Communion or extreme unction.

Sometimes we aren’t told these things ahead of time.

The information is good but sheesh can’t we find it on a non Sedevecantist website! One that is in union with Rome , perhaps?

 

[Serap]

That’s the way he wants you to feel. He is distancing you. I don’t think you can know – or should try to figure out why. Various posters have given you various theories but you don’t need to know why. He has his reasons and they are good ones. I would NOT apologize because this will just magnify the situation. I would not draw attention to the situation by trying to talk about it. I would keep my distance and be very formal with him in the future, which will probably make him more comfortable. Also, since one possibility is some kind of attraction, I would be very careful about looking at him with adoring eyes and be extra careful to dress modestly. I would also offer a decade of my daily rosary for his needs and intentions.

Thank you! I think this is the best advice I’ve been given so far. You hit the nail on exactly how I am feeling after a night to sleep on it. I love my priest and did look at him with adoring eyes, NOT realizing the impact that it may have had or the message he may have received. I simply love him like I would love Jesus. My attraction to him is wholesome and with admiration.

I prayed for him over and over again last night. I also prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me to do what is right for my pastor.

 

[Serap]

Very nice response, Solitude. Serap, you remind me of myself. I think other posters are correct in their theory about the attraction. May I ask is if he is in the same age group as you? If so, then this is a real possibility.

On another note, I want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. The very same incident happened to me this year with a wonderful priest who has a prominent position in our diocese. We had a lovely rapport and all of a sudden it was like-poof!-he acted as if he didn’t know me well or couldn’t be bothered to spend the time chatting with me as had in the recent past. At a recent event, he spoke at length to other women, but it was very clear that he was distancing himself from me. He is a bit older than I, maybe 8-9 years difference. My intuition told me that the issue was a physical/emotional attraction to me or that he was perceiving me as attracted to him and did not want to create any scandal. By the way, I never made any advances toward him, but I am by nature very friendly, open, and extroverted and perhaps this was taken the wrong way.

So, here’s my advice: respect his wishes by keeping your distance from him as well. You can say, “hello, father” after mass but limit it to that. That is what I have had to do. Don’t worry too much about this. According to your story, you’ve done nothing wrong so just put all of your energy into your husband and child.

God Bless!

Yes he is about 8 years older than me. I really never did anything wrong. I’m glad I’m not alone in this matter! It was nice to hear your story too.

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Exactly and his friendly, outgoing and kind nature and habits might make it extremely difficult for him to offer any correction to you. Yet he might regret his inability to do so. He knows your history, he knows your personal burdens. He’s very senstive to your own peculiar sistuation. Does he want to single you out for correction? I doubt it. I feel perfectly terrible for him and I certainly doubt that he is avoiding you or ignoring you altogether. If he’s in a personal bind about his Eucharistic visit to your home, then the easiest solution is in your hands. Really, aren’t you kind of amazed by your own casualness when he stopped at your door with the Eucharist for your MIL?

Catharina, with all respect, this would have never occurred to me. It may have been common knowledge and practice in your youth to reverence the priest if he was out in the world with the Eucharist. But, if I were in the OP’s position, I think I would have done the same thing she did simply because I’ve never been given any reason to consider otherwise.

 

[Serap]

I would definitely not approach your priest about this situation, nor about the Eucharist issue, either.

Personally, I find it a bit of a stretch to make all of these assumptions about him based on some eye contact issues and his discomfort at being asked to come inside and visit when he was on a specific errand.

It’s great that you appreciate him and have such admiration for him, but perhaps you are a bit concerning to him. If your husband is often at work on Sundays, and isn’t seen at mass with you - and you already scheduled a one on one meeting with the priest - and every time after mass expect to have some attention from him - and previously invited him in to visit to your home - he might actually be thinking that YOU are attracted to HIM. And therefore he is doing his best to steer clear of that situation.

“Hanging back” at mass and waiting until everyone is gone so you can speak privately with him will only reinforce his concerns.

I just am doubtful that a seasoned priest is so overcome with feelings and emotions toward a young married woman with a baby. He’s been around thousands of young married women with babies. What seems more likely is him being extra aware that a young scrupulous woman might have a very over-developed sense of gratitude toward her confessor, and mistake that for romantic feelings… IF he’s even thinking about this situation at all!

I have only spoken to him after mass on 2 or 3 occassions in the last 2 years. I have never made it a habit to talk to him after mass because he’s very busy. He sometimes says good -bye to me as he sees me walk by.

Meeting with him privately was only because I had an issue that needed to be addressed in confidence - it was a very significant issue in my life. I feel that I did nothing wrong by requesting one-on-one spiritual advice while being married. I don’t plan on seeing him again because I only needed one meeting to resolve my issues. I don’t regret it and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide me during that meeting.

I think that there is a possibility that he developed a connection to me and perhaps my thankful and friendly nature has given him cause to be cautious (just in case).

I actually am a little insulted by the situation and some posters and hurt because I take great pride in trying to be as much like Mary as I can. I pray to her everyday to help me be more like her.

I am not a temptress!!!

 

[catharina]

Catharina, with all respect, this would have never occurred to me. It may have been common knowledge and practice in your youth to reverence the priest if he was out in the world with the Eucharist. But, if I were in the OP’s position, I think I would have done the same thing she did simply because I’ve never been given any reason to consider otherwise.

I can see that. Yet priests hold the Eucharist as the heart and soul of their lives. I’m certain that priests today recieve the same training in this regard. If one is carrying the Holy Eucharist, then one is focused on that. Maybe some EMs have not received proper training but I have to believe that priests have received it. Recognizing this solves any problem as to whether the priest sought to become distant when the OP invited Father in to exchange greetings with her husband and baby. If issues of personal attraction were central in the priest’s thoughts then he would have been delighted to come in and exchange hellos. It would serve to cut any tension of attraction. However when carrying the Eucharist, a priest is not free to make the personal, friendly choice. He’s functioning in another dimension.

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

I completely disagree with this advice and respectfully ask Serap not to follow it. Doing so will only put the priest on the spot and he will avoid being honest with her. He will deny that there is a problem and it will make any future contact between the two of them more uncomfortable.

Furthermore, although serap feels frustration and confusion, the priest does not owe her an explanation. Respect the fact that he wants distance for now for whatever the reason may be.

I don’t know if Kazimer if male or female, but please take my advice as woman, wife, and mother like yourself, who has been in your predicament (I posted my thoughts before Kazimer in #43, I believe).

Kazimer’s thoughts, although well-intentioned, will only worsen the situation. Sorry, Kaz.

I agree with Joya, here. If you’re sure you haven’t actually offended the priest (and it’s doubtful that you have) just leave him alone. Back away and avoid conversation with him. To some extent, you can’t really be “friends.” You can have a friendly relationship with your priest, but if he’s in any way uncomfortable, leave him alone. He is still there for the sacraments and advice if you need them.

I read somewhere, recently, some advice once given to priests to avoid “very pious women” - the implication being that such women are more likely to form attachments to priests. It may be that he’s had an uncomfortable situation in the past. I think priests, particularly if they’re good priests, find themselves in awkward situations all the time.

You have done nothing wrong. Neither has he. Just let it go and stay out of his way, other than for sacramental purposes.

 

[SarahR]

I would definitely not approach your priest about this situation, nor about the Eucharist issue, either.

Personally, I find it a bit of a stretch to make all of these assumptions about him based on some eye contact issues and his discomfort at being asked to come inside and visit when he was on a specific errand.

It’s great that you appreciate him and have such admiration for him, but perhaps you are a bit concerning to him. If your husband is often at work on Sundays, and isn’t seen at mass with you - and you already scheduled a one on one meeting with the priest - and every time after mass expect to have some attention from him - and previously invited him in to visit to your home - he might actually be thinking that YOU are attracted to HIM. And therefore he is doing his best to steer clear of that situation.

“Hanging back” at mass and waiting until everyone is gone so you can speak privately with him will only reinforce his concerns.

I just am doubtful that a seasoned priest is so overcome with feelings and emotions toward a young married woman with a baby. He’s been around thousands of young married women with babies. What seems more likely is him being extra aware that a young scrupulous woman might have a very over-developed sense of gratitude toward her confessor, and mistake that for romantic feelings… IF he’s even thinking about this situation at all!

That’s what I was attempting to say. “…him being extra aware that a young – woman might have an overdevoloped sense of gratitude…”
Priests probably find themselves in these situations all too often.

 

[catharina]

That’s what I was attempting to say. “…him being extra aware that a young – woman might have an overdevoloped sense of gratitude…”
Priests probably find themselves in these situations all too often.

I agree that can happen but I don’t think it happened here. The eaiest explanation is the most obvious explanation. Father arrived with the Holy Eucharist on a sick call. Since he’s been helpful so recently on a personal level with the OP through counseling I doubt that he would feel too comfortable calling her attention to any misplaced protocol. As for the protocol advised by the sspx site, there’s little room for it in today’s sick calls since, most often, one bearing the Eucharist arrives unannounced.

 

[whatevergirl]

No, I am not because I am a kind natured person. I felt bad for him that he came and my MIL had gone away.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I really was just trying to be kind. My ignorance is not something I’m going to be ashamed of…it’s something to learn from.

I agree…I don’t think you meant any harm in inviting him in. He could have said no…

That being said…did you confess something to him, that possibly when he sees you now, he feels a bit…oh what’s the word…awkward, or whatever? Maybe he is just shifting his gaze, because of that? I wouldn’t make the leap that he’s struggling with attraction to you…

Just my thoughts.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The information is good but sheesh can’t we find it on a non Sedevecantist website! One that is in union with Rome , perhaps?

Oh dear! I didn’t mean to do that. It was just the protocol I had heard for years. And yes, it is possible, if one is expecting a visit from an EM to have a candle and other things ready.

But I wasn’t aware the website was controversial. I wasn’t paying that much attention to the source.