My priest avoids eye contact with me

[InLight247]

Several posters made real good points.

I would not jump to conclusion or even suspect the priest may be attracted to OP.
More likely he was to avoid any possible attachment.

Whatever the reason may be, it is the laity’s responsibility to avoid any attachment either in her own heart or in her expression.

The devil likes to temp priests. We need to pray for them and also be alert enough to avoid sending any possible inappropriate signals however innocent they may be.

A holy priest is always cautious about his interaction with his congregation. The laities need to help the priests keep their sanctity.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Leave him be, and carry on as normal.
Parish priests are usually moved to another parish every few years to avoid any unnessecary attachments forming, good or bad.

 

[Nordar]

It’s such a HUGE committment and I honestly can feel their occassional loneliness and regret that they must feel for not getting married and having a family.

I will pray for him!!!

I don’t think that Priests have any regrets for choosing the Priesthood and not having families! For the truly wonderful Priests that we have who are dedicated to The Priestshood it is a true Vocation. Why would they have any regrets?

 

[Nordar]

**Well, as a convert I thank you for this. The thought never even occurred to me that his duty of bring over the Holy Eucharist could be at the root of this. And obviously it never occurred to the OP either.

But she is the parishoner and he is the leader. If he has a problem with her behavior he should be able to approach her. Seems kind of immature/childish to ignore her instead. But I do agree that, now that she knows this could be the cause, an apology is in order.**

We only have the OP word that he was ignoring her, that could simply have been her misinterpretation of things!

 

[Nordar]

I would definitely not approach your priest about this situation, nor about the Eucharist issue, either.

Personally, I find it a bit of a stretch to make all of these assumptions about him based on some eye contact issues and his discomfort at being asked to come inside and visit when he was on a specific errand.

It’s great that you appreciate him and have such admiration for him, but perhaps you are a bit concerning to him. If your husband is often at work on Sundays, and isn’t seen at mass with you - and you already scheduled a one on one meeting with the priest - and every time after mass expect to have some attention from him - and previously invited him in to visit to your home - he might actually be thinking that YOU are attracted to HIM. And therefore he is doing his best to steer clear of that situation.

“Hanging back” at mass and waiting until everyone is gone so you can speak privately with him will only reinforce his concerns.

I just am doubtful that a seasoned priest is so overcome with feelings and emotions toward a young married woman with a baby. He’s been around thousands of young married women with babies. What seems more likely is him being extra aware that a young scrupulous woman might have a very over-developed sense of gratitude toward her confessor, and mistake that for romantic feelings… IF he’s even thinking about this situation at all!

Great post, I totally agree!

 

[Solitude]

I take great pride in trying to be as much like Mary as I can. I pray to her everyday to help me be more like her.

I wouldn’t exclude the possibility that this situation is an answer to those prayers. Our Lord and the Blessed Mother sometimes work in strange ways. Perhaps this is a necessary experience to your spiritual development and something you will one day be grateful for. Perhaps coming to terms with it will prepare you to handle a more difficult situation in the future.

Contrary to what someone else said, I don’t think it is necessarily immature to use body language instead of words to communicate something if the message is clear. The priest would realize you would notice and reflect. Also, you haven’t said anything about his ethnicity. Some cultures – especially Asian cultures – use body language much more than European Americans do. Just a thought, not knowing his cultural background.

Also, be glad if he is giving you a clear message. You can imagine how confused you’d be if he was warm and friendly one day and cool and distant the next.

 

[Kazimer]

I completely disagree with this advice and respectfully ask Serap not to follow it. Doing so will only put the priest on the spot and he will avoid being honest with her. He will deny that there is a problem and it will make any future contact between the two of them more uncomfortable.

Furthermore, although serap feels frustration and confusion, the priest does not owe her an explanation. Respect the fact that he wants distance for now for whatever the reason may be.

I don’t know if Kazimer if male or female, but please take my advice as woman, wife, and mother like yourself, who has been in your predicament (I posted my thoughts before Kazimer in #43, I believe).

Kazimer’s thoughts, although well-intentioned, will only worsen the situation. Sorry, Kaz.

Serap

I disagree with Joya’s above advice not to meet with the priest.

Approaching the priest will not necessarily worsen the situation

This is an outcome that can not be proven by mere conjecture.

Joya - as with other posters here- are making assumptions about the reasons for the priest’s actions and how he may respond if you bring the subject up to him.

If you approach to the pastor is done respectfully and with charity there is no given that the pastor will deny anything or cause future ill will.

Give the priest some credit for being mature enough to discuss such matters openly.

Notice the keyword I used is discuss and not confront. This is a very important distinction.

Might such a happening that Joya states occur? Yes.

So, as in people’s personal and professional relationships an assessment of the situation needs to be done.

What will the greater good be in proceeding with respect to your actions ie meeting or not meeting with your pastor?

You may decide to leave things be for now and that may be all that is necessary.

Alternatively, you may decide the best action is to meet with the priest.

You alone are the only one to be able to make the decision.

Note, if it is of any comfort to you, I have several friends who are priests and my former pastor - now a senior priest - is a very dear friend of mine.

In coming to know these priests, they would welcome a discussion with anyone ( male or female) rather than to subvert any issues.

I would take your concerns to the Lord in prayer and seek in trust the guidance from the Holy Spirit that course of action that will bring all involved peace.

• CA Forums please feel free to call me Kaz.

(To clarify things I am a male cradle Catholic.)

 

[Serap]

I wouldn’t exclude the possibility that this situation is an answer to those prayers. Our Lord and the Blessed Mother sometimes work in strange ways. Perhaps this is a necessary experience to your spiritual development and something you will one day be grateful for. Perhaps coming to terms with it will prepare you to handle a more difficult situation in the future.

Contrary to what someone else said, I don’t think it is necessarily immature to use body language instead of words to communicate something if the message is clear. The priest would realize you would notice and reflect. Also, you haven’t said anything about his ethnicity. Some cultures – especially Asian cultures – use body language much more than European Americans do. Just a thought, not knowing his cultural background.

Also, be glad if he is giving you a clear message. You can imagine how confused you’d be if he was warm and friendly one day and cool and distant the next.

You are absolutely right. I never thought that this could be a lesson for spiritual development. Thank you for that. I have been reflecting a lot and reflection of one’s self is always a good thing.

I was afraid to contact my church to go ahead with teaching the Children’s Liturgy in case I bumped into him and then I thought about it and realized that if there is a lesson for me to learn, I should not back away from the church. I should embrace it. I contacted my church today and informed them that I would go ahead and teach.

 

[Nordar]

If you approach to the pastor is done respectfully and with charity there is no given that the pastor will deny anything or cause future ill will.

Sorry I disagree with you, I think the OP needs to respect the Priest and allow him to be the Priest he wishes to be. Leave it alone, pray for the Priest and let him be.

 

[Kazimer]

Originally Posted by Kazimer View Post

If you approach to the pastor is done respectfully and with charity there is no given that the pastor will deny anything or cause future ill will.

Sorry I disagree with you, I think the OP needs to respect the Priest and allow him to be the Priest he wishes to be. Leave it alone, pray for the Priest and let him be.

No need to be sorry to disagree with me Nordar.

As I stated in my post in which you parsed my above comment, not approaching the priest may be the appropriate action.

However, this decision to not approach the priest does not negate that meeting with the him is also a viable option.

The decision as to how to proceed - action/no action- as guided by The Holy Spirit will be the one that brings Serap and the pastor peace.

 

[Solitude]

I was afraid to contact my church to go ahead with teaching the Children’s Liturgy in case I bumped into him and then I thought about it and realized that if there is a lesson for me to learn, I should not back away from the church. I should embrace it. I contacted my church today and informed them that I would go ahead and teach.

Good clear thinking! If you get a little shaky, remember that one of the gifts you received at Confirmation was fortitude. You are doing fine.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m confused…are the suggestions for the OP to meet with the priest, based on him having no eye contact? I mean, if a priest didn’t make eye contact with me…I would not have a meeting, asking him why he doesn’t. When doing something like this, one needs to ask one’s self…‘self, what do I hope to gain here?’

I don’t see any gain by confronting this priest. But, again…I’m confused…not sure if the suggestions for meeting revolve around asking the priest this?

 

[whatevergirl]

You are absolutely right. I never thought that this could be a lesson for spiritual development. Thank you for that. I have been reflecting a lot and reflection of one’s self is always a good thing.

I was afraid to contact my church to go ahead with teaching the Children’s Liturgy in case I bumped into him and then I thought about it and realized that if there is a lesson for me to learn, I should not back away from the church. I should embrace it. I contacted my church today and informed them that I would go ahead and teach.

That’s great!

 

[Mrs_V]

My only thought to add is that (with the exception of my children) I never presume to know what another person is thinking or feeling. That would go double for a priest. Respect that he would come to you if he felt there was a problem that needed addressing. Otherwise, let it go and trust in his holding your best interest at heart.

 

[Kazimer]

I never presume to know what another person is thinking or feeling. That would go double for a priest. Respect that he would come to you if he felt there was a problem that needed addressing. Otherwise, let it go and trust in his holding your best interest at heart.

Serap

Upon my reflection of your situation, and while I initially suggested you to consider meeting with your pasto to discuss the matter, I read the above post by Mrs_V and agree with her advice to
“let it go”.

 

[Serap]

Again, thanks so much everyone. This blog site is great! It’s hard to believe that 20 years ago, this amazing technology was unavailable to the average family in the Western world. There aren’t many practicing Catholics around anymore, so this is a great outreach source.

I’m going to continue to be kind to him and to treat him as though nothing happened while also being cognisant of my actions and my dress. My pastor is truly a gift to the Catholic church and I will continue to adore him, but just keep it in check.

This was a great learning experience! Thanks be to God.

 

[InLight247]

Again, thanks so much everyone. This blog site is great! It’s hard to believe that 20 years ago, this amazing technology was unavailable to the average family in the Western world. There aren’t many practicing Catholics around anymore, so this is a great outreach source.

I’m going to continue to be kind to him and to treat him as though nothing happened while also being cognisant of my actions and my dress. My pastor is truly a gift to the Catholic church and I will continue to adore him, but just keep it in check.

This was a great learning experience! Thanks be to God.

Be a little careful to use the word “adore”. I think you mean admire.
You are wise to act like nothing happened. That is really the best approach. It will also be wise to keep distance from him so if he suspected any possibility of your attachment, your keeping distance will ease his suspicion. Be polite and friendly, but try to avoid talking to him in private, at least for a long while.

 

[whatevergirl]

Serap–when I read your thread/posts, I know your heart is in the right place. I think this will all work itself out.

God bless!

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I had a problem with a previous assistant pp. He not only refused to make eye contact, but was never anything but rude/discourteous to me and could not be bothered masking his intense dislike or whatever it was. I never had the slightest notion of what his problem with me was and I never spoke or reacted to him in anything but a friendly and courteous manner. I thought about speaking to him about his attitude but came to the conclusion that the problem was all his and not mine and I was not going to take his problem onboard personally by speaking with him about it. I rather liked him despite his intense dislike of me. He said Mass very devoutly and gave great homilieis. He has now been transferred to another parish to a huge sigh of relief - it was an difficult situation always.

 

[Serap]

Guys. Just wanted to add something that happened yesterday.

After having confirmed with my church that I will be teaching the Chidren’s Liturgy, I was thinking yesterday of the importance of it and that I really want to make an effort to understand the Gospel and Readings; so that I can explain it to the children in a way they will retain and understand.

When I came home last night from work; at my doorstep, I found a “Sunday Missal” that I used 2.5 years ago. I have no idea how it got there since I had it packed away because we moved to a new house 2 years ago.

I asked my husband if he put it there and he said “no”.

God works in mysterious ways!!!