My relationship with my former parish priest

[Catholictrain]

I picked up a holy card at a Catholic bookstore on Saturday. It was a prayer for priests during the year of the priest. On this card were a couple of quotes from saints that really struck me… and I thought it might help with some perspective for this situation:

He who honors a priest, honors Christ.
He who insults a priest, insults Christ.

• St. Francis of Assisi

Perhaps we could add:
He who temps a priest, temps Christ.

“But Jesus answered him, ‘Scripture says: Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” from Luke 4:12… Jesus was talking to the devil in this passage. Don’t let the devil work through you to temp this priest…

 

[Red_Meg]

Very relevant advice from St. Josemaria Escriva

When it is a matter of “breaking off” — never forget it — the “last time” has to be the one before, the one that has already happened… Furrow, “The Struggle” #144

I’ve linked to the entire chapter. You may want to pray over it very carefully.

Please don’t kid yourself into “one last goodbye.” You’ve already received very good advice here-- cut off all contact. Now. Completely. If that means changing phone and email, so be it. And I really think the bishop needs to know that he has such a loose cannon of a priest running amuck in his diocese.

Praying for you,

Margaret

 

[crav4knowledge]

It is hard to find someone you can have a conversation with. Someone with the same values as you but you have to remember that he is a priest. Change your phone number and cut off all contact. It will be hard but find your faith and pray to God for strength. The devil tempts all of us and he is fighting a battle to make sure the people do not follow God’s word. Good Luck.

 

[RosaMystica]

one more time = more
you will be more culpable because you know even more how wrong it would be
you need to do what is right w/o again doing what is wrong – one more time only makes it harder
one more time is worse than one fewer
one more time is a step back, not forward
I am dying inside reading all this because I was just in a situation like this, finding myself in a totally unexpected place with a married man who was helping me in my marriage, and we got too close and now we both hurt and have wounded ourselves, our marriages, our spouses, our children, even though we never even touched or looked at each other or attempted it, we were committing adultery with each other in getting too close and after only 3 weeks of talking over the Internet, we knew we were doing wrong and I had to be the stronger one and break off all contact even though I felt I would die, I was losing my hope, my best friend, my heart, and I made it to confession just Saturday after cutting off all contact Friday and now I can make it, I can feel God helping and comforting me, even though I have this need, this emptiness, this loss, I will not turn back, I will find the strength to work again on my marriage through safer ways. I told my husband, I confessed to my priest, I pleaded with my God to somehow make it right or help me to stop and He answered that it was not ever right and that is all there will ever be to this story: wrong is wrong, end it before adding more to the story

Dearest Rachel,

I know how hard this time is for you, but it will get better. You have done the right thing, and the angels are rejoicing! I want you to know how much your post has meant to me. What you have done is already providing encouragement for all of us who are posting on this thread, trying to help this poor woman. God will not let you down - He is the One your heart is seeking, and no human man can take His place. We are given our husbands to love THEM, and to help them get to Heaven. The closeness we share with them will come and go, but is only meant to make us hunger more for God. Thank you so, so much for this act of obedience that you have made. You have shown true love to everyone involved. I wish there was more I could do to express my support and my gratitude for you.

 

[Snerticus]

I continue to read the replys even though I do not respond to all of them. Satan is really working a number on me. I feel as if I see him one more time and we share just one more embrace that I can put 2 and 2 together and realize he does not belong to me and be done with him forever. I know that would not be the way that everyone would do it but it is what makes sense in my mind. I will not tell him that will be it so that he does not plead with me but will simply just walk away. I feel I am losing a good friend but I know that I am leaving him in God’s hands. I will then repent and not notify his Bishop. That is for him to do to seek help.

Why would you share one more embrace? That’s torture for your soul and food for sin. And God will not be happy with you.

The reason it makes sense to you is because you don’t want to end it.

You asked a valid question here on this thread. Every single response you got said break it off - immediately if not sooner. Some of us even implied we were in the same situation and also implied how horrible it could become. Yet you still think you are right by either talking to him again or “embracing him”. Talking to him would be bad enough, but any kind of intimate physical contact is another mark on your scorecard of mortal sin. I’m not tyring to be nasty, but I’m trying to get you to understand.

However, thinking back on my own affair, nothing anyone could have said to me would have made a difference. I was going to do it my way or else.

Maybe the best thing we could do after all this pleading with you is to let you just plain and simple ruin your life by continuing to do what you think makes more sense. Then, after it all hits the fan and then blows away, you can give others - that won’t listen - your own pleading advice that it’s not a good idea to stay in this type of relationship.

I know someone else here said that you know what to do. I agree, deep down I know that you do. However I also know that this temptation is too strong for you to handle on your own, regardless of what you know deep down. That’s why I suggested seening another priest and discussing it with him. Don’t go to the Bishop and don’t tell your husband. Just seek spiritual help and advice with an anonymous priest.About the only reason you should contact the Chancery is to ask who they recommend for spiritual guidance. Then, make an appointment.

I know what I just said and what others said (and will say) is just going to go in one ear and out the other. You’re just going to do what you want, even though you asked for advice in this thread. Like I said, I’ve been there. I thought no one understood what I was going through and God will make everything right if I just kept doing what my “heart” was telling me.

He did. My life turned into a catastrophe that took over a year just for the dust to settle. I learned my lesson and I’m passing it on to you. And, like me, you’re going to ignore it.

Just be prepared honey. You think it’s torture now… continuing to do your own thing will make what is going on now look like a picnic, and when it’s too late, you’ll wish you took everyone’s advice.

I’m not usually this blunt or seemingly uncaring, but someone needs to knock you in the head with a spiritual two by four becuase you’re under a trance. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be giving you any advice and letting you do whatever the heck you want. Remember it’s only because we care and don’t want to see this turn into a worse situation that we’re saying anything at all. And being a Catholic forum, this overwhelmingly unanimous advice should be listened to. Or at the very least serioulsy considered and contemplated.

That said, I’m still praying for you and hope you come to your senses before you do anything drastic.

God Bless and I’m still praying for you.
Snert

 

[Snerticus]

I think we all need to understand as well, that no matter how the priest appears to us, he is probably going through this just as miserably as the OP. We don’t know what’s in his heart and he might be fighting this even harder than the OP, yet perhaps he is more susceptible to the temptation.

Please don’t be hard on this priest, especially in this Year of the Priest. Please remember to pray for both parties. This is one strong temptation.

God Bless,
Snert

 

[kage_ar]

This just came to mind… a really GOOD reason to break it off and to get him help yourself- - - when this is discovered by someone else, it will be a public scandal and your name will likely be in the newspaper

 

[joandarc2008]

If you think it can’t get bad read the story that has become quite publicized out of the Miami, FL Archdiocese. The priest ended up getting a woman pregnant and became abusive when she threatened to tell. She has filed a restraining order. The archdiocese has settled and she even has proven paternity by DNA testing. He is on suspension indefinetly as he was already moved and rehabilitated once. Do you think she didn’t think that her situation was “different?” Now she is a single woman where she was married before when she met him with a child that will probably never know his father. How is that God’s will?

 

[joandarc2008]

If you think it can’t get bad read the story that has become quite publicized out of the Miami, FL Archdiocese. The priest ended up getting a woman pregnant and became abusive when she threatened to tell. She has filed a restraining order. The archdiocese has settled and she even has proven paternity by DNA testing. He is on suspension indefinetly as he was already moved and rehabilitated once. Do you think she didn’t think that her situation was “different?” Now she is a single woman where she was married before when she met him with a child that will probably never know his father. How is that God’s will?

And if you think I am joking here is one of several articles - and one of them even has a copy of the restraining order attached:

miamiherald.com/367/story/1240626.html

BTW- I met him - he worked at the Parish I was married at - I never spoke to him other than a simple hello but he never seemed like anything but your typical priest - that collar can be very deceiving and hide many faults.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Now, he wouldn’t be the first priest to betray Christ… perhaps with a kiss even. Judas had to go back and see Christ one last time also. But he brought others with him. Led to the crucifixion of Christ.

Who will you bring with you when you go for that one last look and embrace, and perhaps kiss? Which demons have been trying to destroy that man’s vocation? They’ll be along for the ride.

Crucify Christ again with one more in a long line of disloyal priests. You think yours is special? Judas was just as confused. And just as sure no one understood where he was coming from too. He didn’t want to hear what Christ had to say. Didn’t go to his fellow Apostles. He found a sympathetic ear in the Sanhedrin, to be sure. But they used him. You know how that ended. When he later regretted what he did, it was too late and they had no use for him. Told him to keep his 30 pieces of silver.

There’s nothing new on the face of the earth, no matter how we try to dress it up.

I’d suggest instead of driving for 3 hours to see the man, you sit down and watch The Passion of the Christ. Everyone should watch that movie at least once a year.

 

[Mel_Stones]

I’ve been here long enough to know that in a typical post 100 percent of the responders can’t agree on the color of grass.

The fact that everyone agrees here should tell her something. But she’s still trying to justify keeping the embers burning.

(Those embers… that spark she’s kindling… like the ones waiting in hell… funny how love is often compared to the same fire we burn in for all eternity when our “love” is disordered and out of place. Fire is like love. It’s good and useful and live-saving in its proper place. Out of place and with no boundaries… it destroys everything in its path. )

That’s for sure. That fact that we are all agreed on even one point is something I’ve never seen and shows how important it is that the OP listen.

 

[hurtandhealing]

Wonderful advice has been given throughout this whole thread. How fabulous you think that one last hug will take care of everything! This is the first you’ve mentioned that you’ve actually had a physical relationship. Well, the next hug will lead to kissing, at the least, and leave you tempted for more. Do you know what happens when you persist in your sins (ie. going to hug your affair partner good-bye)? God lets you experience the guilty pleasure in them. That’s right. We sin because part of it feels good - that is the temptation. So, now that you’ve experienced that great kiss, you want more.

People can be intimate without knowing every sin another person committed in the past and now repents. Some feelings of the need to confess some things are selfish and have to do with our own guilty feelings not the needs of our spouse – and so are temptations, the feelings aren’t oriented towards intimacy. We share intimacy in the Lord and by being the good people He meant us to be. People have to take responsibility. The offended spouse is generally not the person to go to confess this sort of thing as if that will make it better. It normally makes things horribly worse, sometimes permanently, forever. We go to Confession to a good priest. That is what a good priest is for.

I know someone else here said that you know what to do. I agree, deep down I know that you do. However I also know that this temptation is too strong for you to handle on your own, regardless of what you know deep down. That’s why I suggested seening another priest and discussing it with him. Don’t go to the Bishop and don’t tell your husband. Just seek spiritual help and advice with an anonymous priest.About the only reason you should contact the Chancery is to ask who they recommend for spiritual guidance. Then, make an appointment.

You are absolutely correct that her husband does not need to know every sin. However, as long as he does not know about her affair, she is doing more damage than good. She doesn’t need to tell him to be absolved of her guilt. Only God does that in confession. She does it because it is the ONLY way for her marriage to have a chance to heal.

This is an on-going problem in their marriage. By not telling him, she continues to keep secrets with the affair partner. She has a wall put up between her and her husband (of which he is already aware) and she has a window which is wide open between her and her affair partner. She absolutely MUST reverse that situation. The wall needs to go between her and the affair partner and the window needs to be opened with her husband. Secrets between the involved spouse and affair partner leave her and her marriage vulnerable. Sacramental confession doesn’t take it away. Accountability partners don’t take it away. Spiritual direction doesn’t take it away. The only way to make the marriage stronger is to put the walls and windows in the right places.

OP, I will not lie. When you tell your husband, he may choose to end the marriage. Would he really end it because you told him? Of course not. If that were the case, he will feel much better about it when finds out about it from another source. In fact, then he will know how much more you’ve lied to him.

Your husband has EVERY RIGHT to know the truth about this and make a decision for himself how he will handle it. You made the decision to go outside of your marriage and have an affair. You don’t get to decide that he doesn’t need to know. Please, do this because it is the right thing to do.

BTW, one of the most painful parts of my husband’s affair is the “one last time.” He had called me a few days before to tell me everything would be fine, we would be fine. Then he allowed her to stay over at least “one more time” and also had “one last time” before he allowed her to take him to the airport. And, although he knew he needed to tell me, he took the coward’s way out and let me find the pieces to the puzzle myself. How much easier our recovery would have been if he didn’t try to keep pieces to himself.

And, when you go through withdrawal from this addiction, how are you going to justify that to your husband? Go to all those other people. They will help. Start with confession - call your priest tonight and tell him it is life and death (which it is), and in confession tell him you what you are tempted to do. Also, you don’t need to tell him who your affair partner is. His being a priest does not make you more or less guilty. But understand that you are telling your husband for your marriage, not for yourself.

 

[Snerticus]

She does it because it is the ONLY way for her marriage to have a chance to heal.

Absolutely incorrect. It may have been the only chance for your marriage to heal but all relationships are different. Would you tell your husband if you knew he was going to fly off the handle and take a gun to your partner’s head? If not, then I suspect you’d seek out help before you told him, if you even told him at all. Because in that case it would destroy the marriage, not help it.

I’m not saying the OP’s husband is like that, but there is a range of ways to react to something like this and not all people are going to be as forgiving as you. As a matter of fact there are many times when telling a spouse destroys both lives. I happened to be in one where it did damage to the one I told, and I am deeply sorry for it. I don’t think I would have said anything if I knew the destruction my confession could bring to a soul.

Snert

 

[hurtandhealing]

Absolutely incorrect. It may have been the only chance for your marriage to heal but all relationships are different. Would you tell your husband if you knew he was going to fly off the handle and take a gun to your partner’s head? If not, then I suspect you’d seek out help before you told him, if you even told him at all. Because in that case it would destroy the marriage, not help it.

I’m not saying the OP’s husband is like that, but there is a range of ways to react to something like this and not all people are going to be as forgiving as you. As a matter of fact there are many times when telling a spouse destroys both lives. I happened to be in one where it did damage to the one I told, and I am deeply sorry for it. I don’t think I would have said anything if I knew the destruction my confession could bring to a soul.

Snert

I am sorry that your spouse was unable to work through the total betrayal you caused. However, you are misplacing the blame if you truly think that “telling” is what caused it. Your spouse left because you had an affair. Do you really believe that your spouse would be with you if s/he had found out from a different source? If OP’s husband is that unsafe that he could attempt murder, then she should leave him for her safety and her children’s safety.

Again, OP, if you don’t tell, how will he feel when he finds out? By not telling, you leave yourself and your marriage open to the same vulnerablities (which have been present since before his affair). Your husband has a right to know the truth and he has the right to decide if he wants to stay married to the truth as it is.

I said from the start that lots of people would tell you not to tell, because of their feelings. Speak with some counselors who are EXPERTS in affair recovery and you will hear what I am telling you. You put yourself first in having the affair, it is time to think of him and his wants/needs/rights.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I kind of see that as putting your guilt on the innocent partner’s shoulders.

I suspect in this case the husband has some suspicions about how deeply this so-called friendship goes. They probably need to clear the air and get serious couple’s counselling.

And she needs to quit lying to herself. The priest found a vulnerability in her marriage. He exploited it. I’ve seen laymen do it too. It’s a predatory activity. Find a vulnerable woman. Become the solution to her problems. Make her problems worse.

Fr. Flirt is no prince.

The husband here is not a complete victim.

The OP is not a good friend.

The kids will suffer. The kids always do.

Sons need to believe their mothers are virtuous. What legacy does she give them if she goes chasing after the parish priest.

 

[Shin]

The advice I gave not to speak about it came from a good priest who has had to deal with these situations.

So, I am not a marriage counselor… But he no doubt has had to do it.

Situations are different, if the spouse is going to find out that is one thing. But if it can be private, it should be. And intimacy need not be harmed.

You can get over these things between you and God – Not everything is in fact, meant to be shared with everyone else.

Not the fact that I think your dress is ugly today, nor the fact that something far more important happened last year, but is now over.

The truth should be told at the proper time for it, if it is to be spoken about – Not everything that is true is meant to be said. The devil himself will speak about perfectly true things, to the wrong person, at the wrong time.

So, we don’t know the particulars of this individual situation and can only give general advice on some of this, especially this part… but I’ll at least say what the consequences can be and the reasons why not to speak. And how yes, it can be selfish to do so, and no this isn’t a question of rights to know or silliness like that, or selfish feelings of guilt and the need to pour all that garbage on your partner to make yourself feel better – it’s about the family, and preserving it, and seeking your help and cures through God.

God above all, and all else will be at peace.

 

[Snerticus]

I am sorry that your spouse was unable to work through the total betrayal you caused. However, you are misplacing the blame if you truly think that “telling” is what caused it. Your spouse left because you had an affair. Do you really believe that your spouse would be with you if s/he had found out from a different source? If OP’s husband is that unsafe that he could attempt murder, then she should leave him for her safety and her children’s safety.

Again, OP, if you don’t tell, how will he feel when he finds out? By not telling, you leave yourself and your marriage open to the same vulnerablities (which have been present since before his affair). Your husband has a right to know the truth and he has the right to decide if he wants to stay married to the truth as it is.

I said from the start that lots of people would tell you not to tell, because of their feelings. Speak with some counselors who are EXPERTS in affair recovery and you will hear what I am telling you. You put yourself first in having the affair, it is time to think of him and his wants/needs/rights.

First, no, my spouse did not leave because I had an affair. At least that’s not the whole reason. As a matter of fact, I don’t know why my spouse decided to continue not talking to me, but I suspect it’s because there was no forgiveness involved. Or very little. And that is their free will at play. If I don’t know exactly why my spouse stopped talking to me, how do you know?

Second, that is what I’m trying to say, talk to someone experienced in this.

Third, thinking of the spouses wants and needs do not mean to blurt out in the middle of a conversation that you are having an affair. Not everyone can phrase things tactfully. Some of us need help and that’s why yet again I’m saying to not admit anything to the husband but get help first.

I do need to tell you that even though you may think you are NOT speaking through your feelings, you are. You accuse us that telling her not to admit it comes from our feelings but yet you use your own experience and feelings to tell her to admit it. It’s a two way street, and it’s quite obvious in your style of writing. Experts will even say it’s not for either party’s benefit to tell the spouse depending on the individual situation.

Finally, as you glossed over in my post, I said that not all people are going to be that extreme in their reaction, but they most likely are going to be somewhere - to varying degrees - from forgiving to violent. It depends on the situation. And not everyone is going to know exactly how their spouse is going to react. You were very fortunate in your experience that you were as forgiving as you were, whether your spouse knew it or not.

Telling the spouse is not always the best move, and that comes from experts that I’ve heard and read since I had done so. If you don’t believe me, then go to those more experienced, either priest or counselor. It’s what I’ve been encouraging the OP to do in the first place.

That being said, we still agree for the OP to stop this behavior immediately, and that’s the main point.

Snert

 

[s4angel]

I don’t know if the OP is still reading this thread or not but I pray she is and gets this message and takes it to her heart.

I will put this bluntly, The priest and you are both in mortal sin, No niceties, no if and or buts to it. If you don’t care about your own souls then think of this. You and him are insulting MY church and bringing scandal to her doorstep this is not just between you and him this is a wrong commited not just to your husband what ever his faults but even more importantly to our church. If this became public how many fragile souls might be lost? This priest MARRIED Christ! It is adultry even if only of the mind. If you truely love this person, If you love your church and what she stands for, then stop.

what are you going to say on judgement day? What can you say?

I don’t say this to hurt you rather I say these things to wake you up. Stop this Now its not just you and him it involves a whole lot more than just you.

 

[hurtandhealing]

Snert and Shin - Thank you both for clarifying your points. Hopefully the OP is not as slow as I am and did not misread your posts (as I did). I truly believed that I saw advice that she should not tell ever. Certainly picking the right time is crucial. As well as seeking professional advice (which I also highly recommended). In this case, the OP has expressed problems that have been present for quite some time. Help is necessary.

OP, as Snert and others have said, we all agree that this behavior needs to stop immediately. You came here for a reason. I doubt that you really expected us to tell you this is OK behavior.

I would be willing to bet that you are a good wife and mother who never saw yourself having an affair. Few people who do plan to do it. Listen to our words and to what Satan is telling you. Following Jesus is the hard road, especially when you are caught up in sin, but it will bring you more happiness than this illicit “relationship” ever can. God will get you out of this, but He won’t force it on you. You have to decide to let Him. If you can get to it quickly, read The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. If not, look at the summary of it here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Divorce. Lewis has a lot of good to say about the attachments we have to sin. Like those in the story, you have to make a choice - “later” is choosing to continue in sin.

Again, please get yourself to confession immediately. Priests are there for life and death situations and this truly is - even more than if you are physically dying in the hospital. Your mortal soul is the first priority here. Make sure you tell him that you aren’t sure about “amending your life,” ie, further contact with the affair partner. He will be able to help you at least for the time being.

 

[dcrowmik]

The best way to end it – for you and he? Since you and he don’t seem to have the strength to do what you MUST DO NOW, send him an email with a link to this thread. That will stop him in his tracks so you won’t have to “worry” about letting him down and he won’t have to “worry” about losing you. If he’s a truly caring priest as you stated, he’ll get a quick realization of how he let Satan trap him and how he let Satan trap you, too. He will cut off all contact with you. Thus, the right thing which you can’t seem to do will be done for you.

If you need some “help”, copy and paste this link and send it to him now:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=381027

We are all praying for you and him. Hopefully the both of you are doing some mighty deep praying to your guardian angels, St. Michael (whose feast day is tomorrow), Mary, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

By the way, pray to St. Gemma Galgani. She’ll help you battle Satan because he’s truly sucking you in.