My wife just left me

[Caprotodox]

Quick update on what’s happened.

I heard from wife yesterday through text. I still haven’t seen her in-person for just about 3 weeks now.

She said she tried depositing money into our account to help pay for our mortgage, and we had a quick chat about that. I then mentioned that I want to respect her need for space, but I need to know what is going on. She said she understood and set a time for this weekend to talk. She said she wanted to speak with her counselor again before us talking.

So my takeaway is that she’s been seeing a counselor, but I don’t know if it’s a marriage counselor or more of a therapist. I also don’t know where mind is at in terms of our marriage. I have been praying for a good influence to speak with her, so perhaps that counselor is it, since the counselor should give neutral advice.

I have been keeping busy with work, going to the gym, and going out doing pickup sports games lately. I have one tonight that will keep me busy.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Praying for the OP and all who are suffering with marital trouble.

OP, I Pray for the success of your communication with your wife and for your counseling. I do not offer advice because I feel this best comes from your counselor who is familiar with more aspects of the situation (similar to not wanting to offer psychiatric advice). May God bless and strengthen you and if it be His Will help you and your wife to preserve your marriage. In Jesus’ Name I humbly ask this. Amen.

 

[john1513]

Quick update on what’s happened.

I heard from wife yesterday through text. I still haven’t seen her in-person for just about 3 weeks now.

She said she tried depositing money into our account to help pay for our mortgage, and we had a quick chat about that. I then mentioned that I want to respect her need for space, but I need to know what is going on. She said she understood and set a time for this weekend to talk. She said she wanted to speak with her counselor again before us talking.

So my takeaway is that she’s been seeing a counselor, but I don’t know if it’s a marriage counselor or more of a therapist. I also don’t know where mind is at in terms of our marriage. I have been praying for a good influence to speak with her, so perhaps that counselor is it, since the counselor should give neutral advice.

I have been keeping busy with work, going to the gym, and going out doing pickup sports games lately. I have one tonight that will keep me busy.

Prepare yourself for anything, even the worst, but pray for God’s will for both of you. Praying for you!

 

[Caprotodox]

I’m feeling terribly frustrated and a bit depressed today.

I’ve had some communication with my wife, but it’s only been about whether money that was deposited was showing.

The conversation has been polite and kind, but it’s not the same as it was. There are no “love you”, no pet names, no trying to make the message cute, like how it was just a few weeks ago.

I think it’s good that she’s meeting with counselor (can it be bad?). I don’t know if it’s in regards to working on her issues, or if it’s in regards to the marriage, or both.

We’re having a conversation Sunday morning. So I’ve been preparing questions to ask, and I have been working on my listening and communication since this began.

I don’t want this to be a lost cause, I really want my marriage to be saved and restored. I pray for this daily. I have some hope, but I just feel a bit in despair.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I would imagine your life is going to be a serious of ups and downs for a while. The important thing to remember is patience. Do not say anything in haste. Allow silence if need be. You don’t need to respond everything she says, especially if it is hurtful.

Counseling can be good or bad. It all depends on the counselor unfortunately. But it may allow your wife to see both sides. It may help her to think that maybe the kindest thing to do, even if she thinks she wants to divorce you, would be to go to marriage counseling so she can go with a clear conscience that she gave it a try.

 

[Caprotodox]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I would imagine your life is going to be a serious of ups and downs for a while. The important thing to remember is patience. Do not say anything in haste. Allow silence if need be. You don’t need to respond everything she says, especially if it is hurtful.

Counseling can be good or bad. It all depends on the counselor unfortunately. But it may allow your wife to see both sides. It may help her to think that maybe the kindest thing to do, even if she thinks she wants to divorce you, would be to go to marriage counseling so she can go with a clear conscience that she gave it a try.

Thank you Irishmom. It definitely feels like a rollercoaster. You’re right in that I should look at this as an opportunity to build upon my patience.

I think with her going to counseling it can be good for her, if she’s working on her issues. However, I think for it to be effective for our marriage we need to attend together.

I have been trying to spend more time in prayer, and I’ve been carrying a pocket rosary with me to just remind me to pray and talk to God.

I have quite a few activities planned for tonight and throughout the day tomorrow, so that will keep me busy and my mind off things.

 

[Nap66]

Life has been awful this past year and a half. I’ve also tried to occupy my time with other things, and that has also angered my wife. She resents my sudden turn to practicing our faith. She chooses not to, although I believe God delivered a sign to her the other day. But not everyone acts on clear signs from God. I know I didn’t when it really mattered.

I am in the same situation. When I went back to my faith and tried to save my marriage, my husband vehemently resented it. He actually hated that I was even bringing God up as a reason to save the marriage. The hate continues to this day and I cannot even talk about God without him displaying complete and utter hatred to me and God.

God sent him and I clear signs to patch this marriage up and I acted as best I could. But humans have free will and they have every right to reject God and his plan for their lives. That is what my ex-husband did. I cannot change it and no prayers will reverse his free will.

Now I pray that God will send me a true partner in life if that is his will, otherwise I will stay by myself. It is a very lonely season for those of us who want to save a marriage but can’t. It feels like the loneliness will never end.

 

[LMU]

Nap66, I will pray for you as well. I try to remember that I’m not the only one in this mess and that I have to pray for all of us, including my wife and the spouses that are far from God.

 

[Nap66]

Nap66, I will pray for you as well. I try to remember that I’m not the only one in this mess and that I have to pray for all of us, including my wife and the spouses that are far from God.

Thanks LMU. I try to pray for everyone involved in such situations and know that the world is full of unhappiness because people are free to do whatever they want and normally do with no thought to other people.

Still I find it hard to pray for my ex-husband who specifically damned me and God out loud. He doesn’t need my prayers as he outwardly told me. What would I pray for? He loves his life without me. He needs nothing from me or God. As he told me, he does it all on his own and there is someone out there that is wonderful and will make his life great because he is a great person and doesn’t need to change ever. God has nothing to do with that. So, I don’t really pray for him anymore, other than to say “God he is in your hands.”

 

[Caprotodox]

Well we’re meeting tomorrow.

I just went on Facebook and looked at our wedding photos that she has on her profile and I just started to cry.

I have a feeling of impending doom, that tomorrow is the day that she will say she wants a divorce.

My heart hurts, and I pray that God saves our marriage. I don’t know if I should entertain the pessimistic feelings as I don’t know if that it will be a meeting with a negative outcome, but at the same time I don’t want to be optimistic, get my hopes up, and get crushed.

I ask that you all please continue to pray for my wife and I and our marriage. I really need our Lord’s help right now.

 

[Irishmom2]

I will pray for you and your wife.

Consider saying this to her if she does say she wants a divorce:

Will you at least consider going to a few marriage counseling sessions together? I would think that it couldn’t hurt if your mind is already made up, but at least you can go with a clear mind, knowing you did everything possible to save our marriage before you give up for good. Do you have enough love left for me to do just that one request? You don’t have to answer me right now. Sleep on it.

She may agree to go just to shut you up and to walk away with a clear conscience.

But if you get her to go, things could change for the better.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

i havent read the entire thread.

do you have something you can take to the meeting, for example,

what are her reasons to leave, demonstrate you have listened, heard her and are taking steps to address them.
This could include counselling for you.
dont focus on any type of shopping list of complaints against her. just focus on, asking her her reasons and how you will address them.

in your initial post you mentioned she felt you are not supportive of her career. and
she had a night out and you reacted badly- irritated etc.

thats two you need to listen to and address. the second might require anger management classes. i dont know. but listen to her.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

I’m feeling terribly frustrated and a bit depressed today.

I’ve had some communication with my wife, but it’s only been about whether money that was deposited was showing.

The conversation has been polite and kind, but it’s not the same as it was. There are no “love you”, no pet names, no trying to make the message cute, like how it was just a few weeks ago.

I think it’s good that she’s meeting with counselor (can it be bad?). I don’t know if it’s in regards to working on her issues, or if it’s in regards to the marriage, or both.

We’re having a conversation Sunday morning. So I’ve been preparing questions to ask, and I have been working on my listening and communication since this began.

I don’t want this to be a lost cause, I really want my marriage to be saved and restored. I pray for this daily. I have some hope, but I just feel a bit in despair.

you need to work on your issues. focus on yours. you wont be blameless here. its time to start saying counselling would be good for your issues.

the other party doesnt want to hear you say how counselling will be great for their issues. they want to hear you taking responsibility for your part

 

[Jim1931]

These stories bring back memories of 50+ years ago…
My wife and I went thru some similar problems…
At the urging of our family (Catholic) doctor, we arranged a meeting together with a woman marriage counselor at our diocese office… She heard both of our stories, gave us some general practical advice, some things to think about, and arranged a follow up meeting a week or so later.
We followed her simple advice and we both began to soften our positions.
Things turned out well for both of us.
My wife of 60 years died a little over a year ago and I am still tearfully in grief which will never stop.
I will always be thankful for that lady counselor and to our Lord for helping us thru that painful situation.

I suggest you** find a qualified female counselor and go together
Don’t be defensive of your positions and keep the discussions simple.
Above all, follow the counselors advice and you should each plan to go over half way to appease the other. **
Some day you both will be happy that you did.
Pray for each other and I will certainly pray for you both to have a happy marriage!

 

[Caprotodox]

you need to work on your issues. focus on yours. you wont be blameless here. its time to start saying counselling would be good for your issues.

the other party doesnt want to hear you say how counselling will be great for their issues. they want to hear you taking responsibility for your part

Thank you for your advice.

These stories bring back memories of 50+ years ago…
My wife and I went thru some similar problems…
At the urging of our family (Catholic) doctor, we arranged a meeting together with a woman marriage counselor at our diocese office… She heard both of our stories, gave us some general practical advice, some things to think about, and arranged a follow up meeting a week or so later.
We followed her simple advice and we both began to soften our positions.
Things turned out well for both of us.
My wife of 60 years died a little over a year ago and I am still tearfully in grief which will never stop.
I will always be thankful for that lady counselor and to our Lord for helping us thru that painful situation.

I suggest you** find a qualified female** counselor and go together
Don’t be defensive of your positions and keep the discussions simple.
Above all, follow the counselors advice and you should each plan to go over half way to appease the other.
Some day you both will be happy that you did.
Pray for each other and I will certainly pray for you both to have a happy marriage!

I will pray for you and your wife.

Consider saying this to her if she does say she wants a divorce:

Will you at least consider going to a few marriage counseling sessions together? I would think that it couldn’t hurt if your mind is already made up, but at least you can go with a clear mind, knowing you did everything possible to save our marriage before you give up for good. Do you have enough love left for me to do just that one request? You don’t have to answer me right now. Sleep on it.

She may agree to go just to shut you up and to walk away with a clear conscience.

But if you get her to go, things could change for the better.

Irishmom, your advice here seemed to help today.

Today we met up and spoke about what’s going on. She pretty much said the same thing as she had before over the phone a few weeks back. I asked her “What she would like to see happen” and she’s not sure if these issues could be changed and that she was leaning towards a divorce.

I then took your advice, and asked her if she would consider joint counseling before going to the divorce, that way she and I could know that we tried. She said she would talk it over with her counselor later this week and let me know.

I largely just listened to her. I asked her for forgiveness for my faults, and she said she forgives me.

I do feel that she is largely blaming for this, which I don’t think is right. She kept bringing up our political differences, as one of the main factors of her leaving, and saying that she felt like she couldn’t express her opinions. I have never said that she couldn’t express her opinions, but I would challenge them, which she did not appreciate.

I find that considering divorce, with one of the reasons being political differences, absolutely ridiculous. (I did not express that to her today though, I just listened). I said to her that it would be good for kids to hear both sides and then they can decide for themselves. We have known each others views since we have known each other, they aren’t new.

There were other times, where I felt she exaggerated or unfairly placed blame upon me.

She said has been unhappy for about a year, and I asked her, since we have been together for 7.5 years, then that means 6.5 years we have been good, why can’t work towards going back to that time? Which she said, she doesn’t know if she can because she can’t forget all this.

I feel like she has made up her mind, and won’t even consider giving us a try to work on these issues. I find that unfair. I feel like she is making decisions on what I can or cannot change when that is not for her to decide. I also feel like she is not sharing any of the blame and painting me out to be a villain.

I truly feel that none of her concerns cant’ be resolved by talking them out and working towards changes in both of us. However, I can’t force her to want to give us a chance, I can only make suggestions.

I’m hoping that she will agree to joint counseling. I’m not sure why she needs to mull it over and speak to her counselor first before agreeing or not agreeing to it. I would think she would want to try everything possible to save our marriage. She said she would consider it since she doesn’t want into such a big decision (divorce).

 

[Irishmom2]

Well, look at it this way, she did not come right out and say “no.”

If she does in fact talk to her counselor, and they are worth their salt, they will tell her she should try just to get closure one way or the other.

I congratulate you for your restraint. Things are changing positively for you as well. I am sure this whole things has changed you, possibly for the better.

Keep praying, and I know I will pray for you too.

 

[Nap66]

Sorry to hear what you are going through Caprotodox. I follow your thread because I’m going through the same thing, except in my case I couldn’t stop the divorce.

She said has been unhappy for about a year, and I asked her, since we have been together for 7.5 years, then that means 6.5 years we have been good, why can’t work towards going back to that time? Which she said, she doesn’t know if she can because she can’t forget all this.

I heard the same thing from my ex-husband. He said we could never start with a “blank slate” because too much has happened. Then I thought about God and how he ALWAYS starts with blank slates with us after we confess our sins to him. Yes, we need to try to sin no more as well, but imagine a God who said “sorry bud, I forgive you but you’ve lost my love because too much has gone on in the past.” Every single person would be damned if God acted that way.

In my case, I told my ex-husband that we might never get back to the way we were, but we both had to try to make it even better in the future. He didn’t care. He’s looking for a woman with no history (good luck!) that he can start with on a blank slate (good luck!).

I feel like she has made up her mind, and won’t even consider giving us a try to work on these issues. I find that unfair. I feel like she is making decisions on what I can or cannot change when that is not for her to decide. I also feel like she is not sharing any of the blame and painting me out to be a villain.

I felt the same way. I hope your situation turns out better than mine. I was told by him many times “I believe it is the best for both of us.” As if he knows what is best for me. He also believed nothing could change. But that is because he didn’t want to change. I was willing, he wasn’t. That may be the same in your case. I asked God about this, and was told, “free will.” They have the will to do what they want, but I don’t think it is right that they think for us.

I truly feel that none of her concerns cant’ be resolved by talking them out and working towards changes in both of us. However, I can’t force her to want to give us a chance, I can only make suggestions.

Changes. Even now that my marriage is done, I still want to change myself into a better person. I want to change myself into a person God would be proud of as he was Jesus. I once asked my ex-husband if he was willing to change and become a better person in general. He said “no.” He said there were women willing to accept him just the way he was with “very little change.” I laughed, especially since this woman he was talking about dumped him after two months. Sometimes God does deliver karma.

I hope and pray your situation turns out much different than mine and your wife has a much softer heart. Saving a marriage by two people changing and becoming better people in the end is much better than divorce and no change by either person.

 

[KnitNut]

OP, are you in individual counseling? You’ve mentioned you did a few sessions of “marriage counseling on your own”…which is different.

I ask because you’ve mentioned a couple of example where you’ve minimized your part - for example, you say you “challenge” her political beliefs. However, a few pages back, you admit you called her vote “stupid” to her face. That’s not “challenging”. That’s outright rude, insulting, and demeaning. If that’s what you consider positive communication about your differences, then the problem is definitely not just with her.

So…when I read that you’re hoping counseling will fix her, what she needs to do in counseling, how she’s being unfair, etc…I think you would do well to discuss your perspectives in individual counseling first…because if you continue to whack her over the head with her “unfair stupidity” you’re definitely not going to turn things around. The individual counselor is the right place for you to vent your frustration and to work on positive communication skills (see also, fight fairly) so that you can go into the joint marriage counseling sessions in a better mindset.

 

[Caprotodox]

Well, look at it this way, she did not come right out and say “no.”

If she does in fact talk to her counselor, and they are worth their salt, they will tell her she should try just to get closure one way or the other.

I congratulate you for your restraint. Things are changing positively for you as well. I am sure this whole things has changed you, possibly for the better.

Keep praying, and I know I will pray for you too.

Thanks! We’re chatting again in a little bit. I need some questions answered that I think will help for me.

I want to know if when she told me she would consider the couples counseling, but wanted to wait until Friday to let me know or whether she wants a divorce, if she is only saying that to spare my feelings, or if it’s something she really wants to consider.

Sorry to hear what you are going through Caprotodox. I follow your thread because I’m going through the same thing, except in my case I couldn’t stop the divorce.

I heard the same thing from my ex-husband. He said we could never start with a “blank slate” because too much has happened. Then I thought about God and how he ALWAYS starts with blank slates with us after we confess our sins to him. Yes, we need to try to sin no more as well, but imagine a God who said “sorry bud, I forgive you but you’ve lost my love because too much has gone on in the past.” Every single person would be damned if God acted that way.

In my case, I told my ex-husband that we might never get back to the way we were, but we both had to try to make it even better in the future. He didn’t care. He’s looking for a woman with no history (good luck!) that he can start with on a blank slate (good luck!).

I felt the same way. I hope your situation turns out better than mine. I was told by him many times “I believe it is the best for both of us.” As if he knows what is best for me. He also believed nothing could change. But that is because he didn’t want to change. I was willing, he wasn’t. That may be the same in your case. I asked God about this, and was told, “free will.” They have the will to do what they want, but I don’t think it is right that they think for us.

Changes. Even now that my marriage is done, I still want to change myself into a better person. I want to change myself into a person God would be proud of as he was Jesus. I once asked my ex-husband if he was willing to change and become a better person in general. He said “no.” He said there were women willing to accept him just the way he was with “very little change.” I laughed, especially since this woman he was talking about dumped him after two months. Sometimes God does deliver karma.

I hope and pray your situation turns out much different than mine and your wife has a much softer heart. Saving a marriage by two people changing and becoming better people in the end is much better than divorce and no change by either person.

Thanks Nap, I appreciate your prayers. It sounds like we have some similarities with what is going on.

OP, are you in individual counseling? You’ve mentioned you did a few sessions of “marriage counseling on your own”…which is different.

I ask because you’ve mentioned a couple of example where you’ve minimized your part - for example, you say you “challenge” her political beliefs. However, a few pages back, you admit you called her vote “stupid” to her face. That’s not “challenging”. That’s outright rude, insulting, and demeaning. If that’s what you consider positive communication about your differences, then the problem is definitely not just with her.

So…when I read that you’re hoping counseling will fix her, what she needs to do in counseling, how she’s being unfair, etc…I think you would do well to discuss your perspectives in individual counseling first…because if you continue to whack her over the head with her “unfair stupidity” you’re definitely not going to turn things around. The individual counselor is the right place for you to vent your frustration and to work on positive communication skills (see also, fight fairly) so that you can go into the joint marriage counseling sessions in a better mindset.

Knit - I’m not sure if you have read this thread, as you’re writing things that I have never said. I have never called my wife stupid.

I feel like a lot of your responses in this thread are misunderstandings of what I’ve written, and I would appreciate if you would read the thread and the posts prior to posting.

I don’t want it seem like I don’t appreciate you wanting to contribute, but I do want to make sure that the contributions are based on accurate interpretations.

Best

 

[Irishmom2]

I want to know if when she told me she would consider the couples counseling, but wanted to wait until Friday to let me know or whether she wants a divorce, if she is only saying that to spare my feelings, or if it’s something she really wants to consider.

Please, don’t ask her that. She may not actually know what she thinks before talking to her counselor, or, she may feel like you are pressuring her, and might answer impulsively.

Remember, patience.