S
Serap
Guest
GREAT ANALOGY with the credit card debt!!! that’s exactly what I think too!
- Status
F
faithfully
Guest
With regards to “regretting it later”…
LOF… Whatever happens… Continue to pray for your wife. And make sure you don’t share outloud any negative opinions about your wife with your children. Always be open to discuss THEIR issues… But yours are adult issues.
And I think it does nothing for you to go on thinking she’ll regret it later. It’s entirely possible she will. IT’s entirely possible she won’t. It’s MY PERSONAL opinion that when you harbor this thought process, you are holding a certain grudge of wrong done to you. What your wife is doing, is to you for sure, it’s to her children, and it’s to herself. By the Grace of God she will mature into a person capable of stopping her behavior before it’s COMPLETELY destructive.
The thing is, and I’ve learned this in a WORK environment. I’ve watched managers make all their biz decisions based SOLELY on their personal gain. (actually, you can tell they did that in their broken marriages as well)… and you know what? They keep moving on to people that buy into their hype, and tossing them to the wayside with zero regret when those people figure out the real deal. Those that were great employees, undeserving of terrible treatment, that quit thinking “they’ll miss me when I"m gone” have it even worse. They aren’t missed. Not even for a second. A person can be shattered a bit more when they were waiting for, yet fail to see the person who did them wrong crumble. It’s sad, they SHOULD be missed… But these managers just truly don’t have a clue they ever had it good. And they’d have to ADMIT that they themselves aren’t all that and a bag of chips in order to ever get there. Their ego does not fit through the door, and in many cases it never will. All one can do is feel sorry for, pray for all that these people are truly missing out on. They will live life in the state of mediocre at best. Cutting off their nose, in spite of their face.
Still hoping and praying that your wife has an ah-ha moment. Without it, you will be forced to reconcile with this situation. Either you pass on to your children that a wife and mother be totally indifferent to her husband and children, and that’s ok for the sake of staying together… or you show them, that life goes on FUNCTIONALLY without such insanity… That love can still be had. That ill treatment does NOT have to be put with.
May your weekend be blessed a million times over!
LOF… Whatever happens… Continue to pray for your wife. And make sure you don’t share outloud any negative opinions about your wife with your children. Always be open to discuss THEIR issues… But yours are adult issues.
And I think it does nothing for you to go on thinking she’ll regret it later. It’s entirely possible she will. IT’s entirely possible she won’t. It’s MY PERSONAL opinion that when you harbor this thought process, you are holding a certain grudge of wrong done to you. What your wife is doing, is to you for sure, it’s to her children, and it’s to herself. By the Grace of God she will mature into a person capable of stopping her behavior before it’s COMPLETELY destructive.
The thing is, and I’ve learned this in a WORK environment. I’ve watched managers make all their biz decisions based SOLELY on their personal gain. (actually, you can tell they did that in their broken marriages as well)… and you know what? They keep moving on to people that buy into their hype, and tossing them to the wayside with zero regret when those people figure out the real deal. Those that were great employees, undeserving of terrible treatment, that quit thinking “they’ll miss me when I"m gone” have it even worse. They aren’t missed. Not even for a second. A person can be shattered a bit more when they were waiting for, yet fail to see the person who did them wrong crumble. It’s sad, they SHOULD be missed… But these managers just truly don’t have a clue they ever had it good. And they’d have to ADMIT that they themselves aren’t all that and a bag of chips in order to ever get there. Their ego does not fit through the door, and in many cases it never will. All one can do is feel sorry for, pray for all that these people are truly missing out on. They will live life in the state of mediocre at best. Cutting off their nose, in spite of their face.
Still hoping and praying that your wife has an ah-ha moment. Without it, you will be forced to reconcile with this situation. Either you pass on to your children that a wife and mother be totally indifferent to her husband and children, and that’s ok for the sake of staying together… or you show them, that life goes on FUNCTIONALLY without such insanity… That love can still be had. That ill treatment does NOT have to be put with.
May your weekend be blessed a million times over!
S
Serap
Guest
good post
C
cviolette
Guest
Since a couple people mentioned me, I will describe the similarities with your wife and how I feel. If you have any questions feel free to PM or ask on the thread. I am much better than I was but still have quite a few teenage moments. And yes, I feel just like a teenager slamming the door and saying “you’re not the boss of me!” It is not a good feeling.
I was a good mom before the affairs. I was a severely depressed, selfish, neglectful mom that should not have custody of the kids when I was having the affairs. I am back to being a good mom but am still working on figuring out how to be a wife in a disaster of a marriage.
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello cviolette,
Your story breaks my heart. I can only imagine what your family has been going through to be similar as what I am going through. The exception, I love my wife, she is my life. I would walk to the end of the earth for her and she knows it.
I am so very proud of you for allowing the grace of God back into your life. You will begin to see the impact your changes are making in your life and it will change the way you feel about yourself. Your husband will (or should) start to feel the real you is worth fighting for.
Keep up on daily prayer, remember God is continually calling us back to him, and is all forgiving to those who repent.
I will pray for you and your family. Please feel free to contact me anytime for support and prayers. Thank you for sharing and may God Bless you and your family!
Thank you for your prayers for my wife and I this weekend.
Your story breaks my heart. I can only imagine what your family has been going through to be similar as what I am going through. The exception, I love my wife, she is my life. I would walk to the end of the earth for her and she knows it.
I am so very proud of you for allowing the grace of God back into your life. You will begin to see the impact your changes are making in your life and it will change the way you feel about yourself. Your husband will (or should) start to feel the real you is worth fighting for.
Keep up on daily prayer, remember God is continually calling us back to him, and is all forgiving to those who repent.
I will pray for you and your family. Please feel free to contact me anytime for support and prayers. Thank you for sharing and may God Bless you and your family!
Thank you for your prayers for my wife and I this weekend.
C
cviolette
Guest
Your wife is a lucky woman and I hope that she finds her way back to her family. I bet she is not happy. She won’t be truly happy until she makes God the center of her life. Right now she is trying to find happiness in all the wrong places.
My kids and husband did not know about the affairs and did not even notice that I was depressed and crying all the time. Now that I put God first, my life is much better. I am just trying to learn how to solve my problems the correct way. As my therapist told me today, I never had anyone to teach me how to deal with chaos in a healthy way. Never too old to learn.
Good luck this weekend.
D
davy39
Guest
I have a little different opinion of your situation than most…I have experience in this. My first wife was running around, and I was too stupid and busy to notice…She finally wanted a divorce, and refused any professional help from priests, marriage counsellers, etc…We had one child, a girl…So, I agreed to a divorce. Looking back some thirty one years ago, she did me a favor by divorcing me…I went on to meet a great gal, we married and she ended up joining the church, and we had a very happy marriage for thirty years, until cancer took her from me a little over a year ago…So if things go badly for you, just remember. There is life after divorce, so don’t give up. And don’t give up your children easily, although I’ll admit it’s hard for a man to get custody of children even in these times of equality…I’ll say prayers for you that somehow this can be worked out… Take care and God Bless you and your family…
S
Serap
Guest
I can totally relate to your story. My husband is like your husband. I also feel like an employee. My value is secondary to my children, in my husband’s eyes. He doens’t care about my feelings. He only cares about our kids.
I have been trying for 2 months to try and get him to stop calling me names and just as I thought things were getting better, he was very abusive this weekend that passed. I can’t bring myself to make eye contact with him right now.
I have been praying the Rosary for almost a month and I honestly think that Mother Mary has been opening my eyes. I am beginning to give up hope that I will have a healthy marriage. I will continue to not be hostile to my husband and when he’s abusive, I will ask him to stop. This is what God wants me to do. I am beginning to feel like St. Monica.
Yesterday when I told him to stop calling me names and yell at me in front of the kids, he said, “What do you want me to do? Divorce you instead?”
I said, “It’s ok to be angry with me, but it’s not ok to yell and call me names.”
I can’t get through to him and through praying the Rosary, I know that God doesn’t want me to leave my husband. God wants me to continue standing up for myself, but not leave. I am beginning to mourn the loss of a good husband and I’m beginning to accept things for what they are. I kept hoping he would change, but I don’t think he will anymore. I don’t think he wants to.
The old me would have sucked up to my husband last night and told him I was sorry for buying the wrong cat food for our neighbour. I will not apologize anymore if I know that I am clearly innocent. I will distance myself from him and understand that God wants me to love my family. I can love my husband and still be happy - I don’t have to look to him for approval anymore. I can live a more independent life without looking to sin or despair. I don’t mind if it also means a life of celebacy.
Perhaps God is making me stronger b/c He knows that I need to be strong for the good of my family. My heart is not breaking anymore. My heart is for my children.
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello Serap,
I would like to have you read this before reading my next post. I want you to have faith in this program I went to with my wife this past weekend. Retrouvaille is a marriage encounter program designed to help people who’s marriage is upside-down and looking like no possibility for repair. This program is designed to help give couples the tools needed to be truly happy, and learn how to talk to each other with respect and understanding.
Please check out this program and talk to your husband to see if he would be willing to go with you. I would put this is a letter to him if you feel he will not be able to talk to you. Without telling him anything else, just tell him how you are feeling, your true feelings (don’t blame him or tell him he makes you feel this way) This is a wonderful program, I will pray he will go with you.
retrouvaille.org/
May God Bless you and your family.
I would like to have you read this before reading my next post. I want you to have faith in this program I went to with my wife this past weekend. Retrouvaille is a marriage encounter program designed to help people who’s marriage is upside-down and looking like no possibility for repair. This program is designed to help give couples the tools needed to be truly happy, and learn how to talk to each other with respect and understanding.
Please check out this program and talk to your husband to see if he would be willing to go with you. I would put this is a letter to him if you feel he will not be able to talk to you. Without telling him anything else, just tell him how you are feeling, your true feelings (don’t blame him or tell him he makes you feel this way) This is a wonderful program, I will pray he will go with you.
retrouvaille.org/
May God Bless you and your family.
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello Friends,
I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers!
Last weekend my wife and I attended the Retrouvaille program. It was truly an eye opening experience for us both, and for the first time in ten years I believe we were finally communication and understanding each other. What a wonderful program. I had very high hopes the tools we were shown could drastically effect our lives together, I am certain they could.
Sunday morning after our large assignment together she dropped the big bomb on me. She agrees this program is truly wonderful and feels she wishes we would have attended a long time ago, but she is making the decision to end our marriage anyways.
I asked her WHY, she replies “I have to do this! The reasons are between God, the priest I spoke to and me. This is about me, I don’t know who I am becoming, I don’t recognize myself. You don’t know the real me and you will probably never know who I am, but this is something I must do! I believe this is best for us and our children and I know you disagree but this is my decision. We have to agree to disagree.” I started sobbing and I went to church to pray the rosary where I broke down again, shaking and crying uncontrollably. Regaining my composure, (realizing this is happening) I returned to talk to my wife again, this time to talk about how and where we will go from here.
We went for a walk and she talked about the events to expect in the near future. She will be filing for divorce when we get home. We talked about custody and splitting possessions. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I can’t imagine how people get through this type pain, it is truly unbearable. Through prayer and the grace of God, I know the kids and I will get through this but she still won’t offer any reason for HER decision. It must be nice to have all the power to decide what SHE feels will be best for the lives of five peoples future. To be completely powerless in HER decision, and knowing that this is extremely unfair I can’t help but see just how selfish she is being.
I will never give up faith, and I will continue to pray for my lost wife in the dark days that are soon to come. I pray she will come to her senses and return home before the damage is to great.
I guess this is the end of our beautifully blessed Catholic marriage and family. What a shame to throw it all away without a valid reason.
Please pray to God for me to have the strength needed to handle every situation in the very best way to save my four beautiful children any additional unnecessary pain. Please pray God will shield my children, and comfort them through all of this. In addition, please pray for my wife’s soul, she honestly feels God is OK with her decision, and continues to go to Mass and receive Holy Communion.
May God Bless you and your families always!
I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers!
Last weekend my wife and I attended the Retrouvaille program. It was truly an eye opening experience for us both, and for the first time in ten years I believe we were finally communication and understanding each other. What a wonderful program. I had very high hopes the tools we were shown could drastically effect our lives together, I am certain they could.
Sunday morning after our large assignment together she dropped the big bomb on me. She agrees this program is truly wonderful and feels she wishes we would have attended a long time ago, but she is making the decision to end our marriage anyways.
I asked her WHY, she replies “I have to do this! The reasons are between God, the priest I spoke to and me. This is about me, I don’t know who I am becoming, I don’t recognize myself. You don’t know the real me and you will probably never know who I am, but this is something I must do! I believe this is best for us and our children and I know you disagree but this is my decision. We have to agree to disagree.” I started sobbing and I went to church to pray the rosary where I broke down again, shaking and crying uncontrollably. Regaining my composure, (realizing this is happening) I returned to talk to my wife again, this time to talk about how and where we will go from here.
We went for a walk and she talked about the events to expect in the near future. She will be filing for divorce when we get home. We talked about custody and splitting possessions. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I can’t imagine how people get through this type pain, it is truly unbearable. Through prayer and the grace of God, I know the kids and I will get through this but she still won’t offer any reason for HER decision. It must be nice to have all the power to decide what SHE feels will be best for the lives of five peoples future. To be completely powerless in HER decision, and knowing that this is extremely unfair I can’t help but see just how selfish she is being.
I will never give up faith, and I will continue to pray for my lost wife in the dark days that are soon to come. I pray she will come to her senses and return home before the damage is to great.
I guess this is the end of our beautifully blessed Catholic marriage and family. What a shame to throw it all away without a valid reason.
Please pray to God for me to have the strength needed to handle every situation in the very best way to save my four beautiful children any additional unnecessary pain. Please pray God will shield my children, and comfort them through all of this. In addition, please pray for my wife’s soul, she honestly feels God is OK with her decision, and continues to go to Mass and receive Holy Communion.
May God Bless you and your families always!
A
Aquinas62
Guest
I am a bit late to this party, if anything I have said has been covered before, my apologies in advance.
To the OP. I understand what you are going through, I went through the same thing in my marriage 28 years ago, My wife left me after 3 months of marriage, we had no children. I feel for your pain as you have had 10 years and 4 children…I cannot imagine what that is like.
A lot of posters have presented a womans pov, allow me to give my own pov.
I have a mild form of aspberger’s, and AADD, a form of autism common in men, this means that it is hard for me to pick up non verbal clues, “hints” and I get fixated on things, such as my collection of books, music and things that I may be focusing on at the time. I do not do these things because I do not care or love my wife. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis.
My current wife knows this about me, lets me know when she needs something, especially my attention. She helps me and understands this about me. I, in turn, give my wife all the love and respect I can, and I help and support her whenever possible. We have our moments, like all married couples do, but we are learning every day.
Just another angle to explore.
To the OP. I understand what you are going through, I went through the same thing in my marriage 28 years ago, My wife left me after 3 months of marriage, we had no children. I feel for your pain as you have had 10 years and 4 children…I cannot imagine what that is like.
A lot of posters have presented a womans pov, allow me to give my own pov.
I have a mild form of aspberger’s, and AADD, a form of autism common in men, this means that it is hard for me to pick up non verbal clues, “hints” and I get fixated on things, such as my collection of books, music and things that I may be focusing on at the time. I do not do these things because I do not care or love my wife. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis.
My current wife knows this about me, lets me know when she needs something, especially my attention. She helps me and understands this about me. I, in turn, give my wife all the love and respect I can, and I help and support her whenever possible. We have our moments, like all married couples do, but we are learning every day.
Just another angle to explore.
A
Aquinas62
Guest
My heart and prayers go out to you…
Get a good lawyer… you are going to need one,
M
mamaslo
Guest
I wonder why she is jumping straight to divorce. Given, that she probably does need time to discover and explore who she really is, why not a separation? With the understanding that you will let her live on her own. Pay her own bills, etc, and discover her likes and dislikes, and whatever else she needs to do to be who God made her…leaving this open ended, until she is ready.
It sounds like something you can’t fix as she needs to find out what needs fixing. There are some things she could run away from, and if she abandons everything without considering her children, especially, then she may, for a while just be moving away from who God made her to be.
I can see needing a do-over, but a restart, is terribly difficult to maintain without going crazy. If you are patient, and given that she does have children with you already. That does weigh in heavily…
Be the husband any woman would want, even through this and you never know what will happen.
I hope she understands, that the grass is not greener, as far as men and husbands go. You are both gardens, and this could be so beautiful, it was meant to be beautiful.
So maybe you could help her set up, and continue to show her how much you love her, even when she is away. Maybe you could negotiate a separation. Give her the freedom to explore without pressure. Then trust her.
She has to be looking up, to Jesus Christ, for this to work. If she is not, then I am so sorry.:console:
It sounds like something you can’t fix as she needs to find out what needs fixing. There are some things she could run away from, and if she abandons everything without considering her children, especially, then she may, for a while just be moving away from who God made her to be.
I can see needing a do-over, but a restart, is terribly difficult to maintain without going crazy. If you are patient, and given that she does have children with you already. That does weigh in heavily…
Be the husband any woman would want, even through this and you never know what will happen.
I hope she understands, that the grass is not greener, as far as men and husbands go. You are both gardens, and this could be so beautiful, it was meant to be beautiful.
So maybe you could help her set up, and continue to show her how much you love her, even when she is away. Maybe you could negotiate a separation. Give her the freedom to explore without pressure. Then trust her.
She has to be looking up, to Jesus Christ, for this to work. If she is not, then I am so sorry.:console:
S
Serap
Guest
LOF,
I’m so sorry that your wife has made this decision. Get a good lawyer b/c she will milk you for as much as she can.
Don’t fight over custody of your children. If she wants custody, tell her you want 50% custody as this is the most fare agreement. Explain to her that you cannot imagine your children being away from you.
I am so sorry. You have no control over this my friend. You have to accept this and move forward. NEVER EVER say anything bad about your wife to any of your children. Let them realize things on their own time.
Get a good lawyer. She’s selfish and will manuver the system to benefit her. DO NOT agree to her taking the children out of your matrimonial home!!! As soon as you let her take them away, you have lost custody. If she takes them, file a police report ASAP. This will show the courts that you DID NOT agree to her having custody. This will help you later.
Get her to agree from day ONE to 50% custody if she wants custody. She may want custody of the kids just so she can get monthly child support payments from you so she can pay rent.
BE CAREFUL!!! DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING WITHOUT A LAWYER!!!
I’m so sorry that your wife has made this decision. Get a good lawyer b/c she will milk you for as much as she can.
Don’t fight over custody of your children. If she wants custody, tell her you want 50% custody as this is the most fare agreement. Explain to her that you cannot imagine your children being away from you.
I am so sorry. You have no control over this my friend. You have to accept this and move forward. NEVER EVER say anything bad about your wife to any of your children. Let them realize things on their own time.
Get a good lawyer. She’s selfish and will manuver the system to benefit her. DO NOT agree to her taking the children out of your matrimonial home!!! As soon as you let her take them away, you have lost custody. If she takes them, file a police report ASAP. This will show the courts that you DID NOT agree to her having custody. This will help you later.
Get her to agree from day ONE to 50% custody if she wants custody. She may want custody of the kids just so she can get monthly child support payments from you so she can pay rent.
BE CAREFUL!!! DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING WITHOUT A LAWYER!!!
L
lauralh4
Guest
LOF, I am so sorry to hear this. It must be really painful even to have to read everyone’s advice because everyone (myself included) thinks you need to be careful and get a good lawyer…it must be heartbreaking to suddenly have to force yourself to see she who you thought would be your life companion as the ‘enemy’ you need to be careful with. I am so sorry you are in this position, and my heart and prayers go out to you.
Never lose faith. Keep praying, keep looking for strength in God, find the strength in Him to accept what you are being forced to face now. Change is NEVER easy, and when it’s something this big and over which you really have no control at ALL, it’s even harder. While this may or may not be God’s will, I think He is allowing this to happen for a reason. Lean on Him so that you may slowly start to understand what you are meant to learn from this painful experience.
Always know that God is with you, and that you are in our prayers. I’ll also be praying for your lovely children and for your wife, that she may find God, and in finding Him, that she may find peace in her heart.
Stay strong, as tough as this may be, you can get through it. Love and many, many blessings to you.
Never lose faith. Keep praying, keep looking for strength in God, find the strength in Him to accept what you are being forced to face now. Change is NEVER easy, and when it’s something this big and over which you really have no control at ALL, it’s even harder. While this may or may not be God’s will, I think He is allowing this to happen for a reason. Lean on Him so that you may slowly start to understand what you are meant to learn from this painful experience.
Always know that God is with you, and that you are in our prayers. I’ll also be praying for your lovely children and for your wife, that she may find God, and in finding Him, that she may find peace in her heart.
Stay strong, as tough as this may be, you can get through it. Love and many, many blessings to you.
S
Serap
Guest
I wanted to add to this…
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR MATRIMONIAL HOME WITHOUT AGREEING TO 50% CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILDREN.
Agree to it FIRST before you leave and have an agreement IN WRITING. If you leave and live somewhere else without this, you have lost custody of your kids for good. The courts will see it as you giving up custody in your actions.
I’m sorry that I am giving you these hard facts. I don’t want you to lose your children
C
cviolette
Guest
My husband only cares about how things look. The children and I are just for show. He true love is his company. Even the church is for show. I know he has not truly returned to his faith. He is just faking it. I went to a party yesterday with people from my church. The priest was there and sat next to my husband. Everyone loved him. Now I feel like I need to get another priest. It was very uncomfortable night considering the stuff I have confessed.
Don’t give up on this. He may have fallen back into his old patterns but you still need to stand up for yourself and not accept it.
I also pray all the time for my marriage and what to do. The one clear thing I have heard is that I can not leave my husband. I don’t feel like the answer was no to leaving my husband. I feel it was a not yet. This is pathetic but I pray that my husband will leave me for another woman. I just do not want to be married to him.
That is great that you stood your ground. I would bet that the problem is not you. You are his emotional punching bag for when things are not going right for him. He is not worried about losing you so he can take his anger out on you. Like a teenager, they will talk back to their mom because they know their mom will always love them. They show more respect for the dad because dad’s love comes with conditions.
I mentioned to my spiritual director mourning the lose of my husband. He said I was mourning something I never had. My husband was never a good husband. I have always been a second class citizen in the marriage. It makes me sad but I can’t live in denial.
Even if he found out I cheated. The anger would be more about someone taking something that was his then about me. And trust me it would be one nasty divorce. You don’t take what belongs to my husband.
I use to be the same way. When my husband was angry, I would try to do whatever it took to get his forgiveness. Even seduce him. It really was pathetic to have so little self respect.
I am still working on sticking up for myself. It is carrying over to other parts of my life. I bet other people take advantage of you too. I am working on two of my friends that manipulate and control me. I have made it clear that it stops or I am out of their lives. I am just tired of everyone wanting me to be someone I am not. Whether they like me or not, I need to be myself. I can’t handle the multiple personalities anymore.
C
cviolette
Guest
That is great that you found someone that understands you and that you can have a happy. healthy marriage.
My FIL and MIL had an awful marriage. After 7 kids, she left him. He remarried over 20 years ago and is very happy. He found someone that will tolerate all his garbage and they have a lot in common. They are enjoying their retirement together. You just need to find the right person. I think my husband could be happy with someone else. And maybe even be a good husband for another woman. I am just not the woman for him.
C
cviolette
Guest
I am sorry that the weekend did not work out. It is sad and it will be a very difficult time for the whole family. Like everyone else said, get a lawyer. Pray everyday to God for the graces to handle the divorce. Pray about what to do with the children. I will keep your family in my prayers.
S
Serap
Guest
We have a lot in common eh? I just haven’t had an affair
It’s hard. We have to keep praying. We have to keep trying.
Catholic Families Agency requested that I read:
7 Principles of Make Marriage Work by John Gottman.
chapters.indigo.ca/books/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-John-Gottman/9780609805794-item.html?ikwid=john+gottman&ikwsec=Books
- Status