Need guidance in marriage

[wcknight]

You don’t say what it is that hurt her so deeply. Some things last a lot longer than others and it looks like yours may last a while longer. She is obviously saying a lot of hurtful things to try to get back at you. Some may or may not be true. You have to win back her trust and affection, and it may take a long time to do that. You abused or neglected her for years, it may take that long to regain her trust.

Whatever behavior caused this rift has to disappear completely and for quite a while before she can feel safe and secure again. In the mean time, you have to prove to her, you’re the best guy available. You have to make her fall in love all over again, and that may be very difficult to do because she will always be thinking how you disappointed her before.

I’ve seen folks hold a grudge for over 40 years and still not let the past rest. It’s really sad, I pray both of you can be reconciled in a lot less time. For now I think you just have to back off, and be the best person you can be.

 

[faithandhope]

There are seven stages to healing:

1. Shock and denial - my DH can’t be doing this to me; I must be doing something wrong. Is this really my marriage?
2. Pain and Guilt - Why has he hurt me so much? Why won’t he go to counselling with me? What have I done?
3. Anger - Now he wants to go to counselling? How dare he do this to me! I have been through so much pain already. I can’t go through anymore! How dare he do this!!! It’s not just!!!
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness - Even though he says he loves me, I feel so hopeless. I don’t love him anymore…I’ve lost all of my passion. I just don’t have it in me anymore. I just feel at a stand still. I have no energy to do anything. I feel alone, isolated and lost. My husband says he loves me, but I can’t believe him anymore…I can’t. I have nothing left to give! I am empty!
5. Realization - maybe he has really changed? Maybe he does really love me. It has been x years now that he has been kind to me and maybe we can go to counselling together. Maybe we can work on this. I’m not sure if I can do this though. I need to take this one day at a time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love him again. I don’t know if our marriage will work, but maybe we can try.
6. Reconstruction of life - counselling; willingness to work on the relationship.
7. Acceptance and Hope - accept that he loves me; beginning to develop a love for him again; willing to make myself vulnerable again.

From what you have written in your posts, your wife is at stage 4.

She has a ways to go before she will be ready to forgive you. You are going to have to be kind and patient for as long as it takes.

Another poster said be like Jesus…love like Jesus…that’s what you are going to have to do. She’s not ready for therapy until she begins to enter stage 5. She’s not there yet. You need to pray and be a saint to her. Show her God’s love.

You are going to have to work every day at this until she’s ready to leave stage 4.

I think I’m in stage 4. I wished there was something I can say that will make you feel better, but I don’t know the answers. And that’s what your wife is faced now with, not knowing which way your relationship is going. I can sympathize with with her and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t give up. Give her that chance that she needs right now. And have alot of patience.
Keep praying.

 

[rivera01]

QUOTE=Serap;4449190]
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness - Even though he says he loves me, I feel so hopeless. I don’t love him anymore…I’ve lost all of my passion. I just don’t have it in me anymore. I just feel at a stand still. I have no energy to do anything. I feel alone, isolated and lost. My husband says he loves me, but I can’t believe him anymore…I can’t. I have nothing left to give! I am empty!

From what you have written in your posts, your wife is at stage 4.

She has a ways to go before she will be ready to forgive you. You are going to have to be kind and patient for as long as it takes.

Another poster said be like Jesus…love like Jesus…that’s what you are going to have to do. She’s not ready for therapy until she begins to enter stage 5. She’s not there yet. You need to pray and be a saint to her. Show her God’s love.

You are going to have to work every day at this until she’s ready to leave stage 4.

Yes I do agree with you that she is stage four. She has told me numerous times as well that she feels fine being alone and what gives her strength to go on in life is our children. She claims that she doesnt need anything from me to keep on going in life, that she is over me. She has also mentioned that she feels that she belongs to our Lord only. Although she doesnt go to church, she keeps candles lit and keeps up with daily prayer. I know that this does not completly fulfill the relationship with God, but at least this is something.

As far as what I have done to her, I have negelcted her feelings and have been selfish both emotionally and physically. I put her down alot, and although I have never hurt her physically, I have wronged her very much. Even though I always told her I love her, I always wanted everything for me, with out ever bothering to give back. This situation has gone on for the first 5 years of our marriage, until she finally was fed up with it. I know I said previously 4 years but it has been for 5 years that this has happened and I have come to see the error of my ways 3 years ago. Now that I realize what I did wrong, and know that I have been an idiot for mis treating the person who loved me so much, it just really hurts me alot. I think about what I did to her and it just makes me angry at myself. I know that I have to learn to forgive myself. I have gone thru counseling for depression, because before I was looking at suicide as a way out of this hell I put myself in. I realized that this was not the answer so I looked for help. At this point of my life, I can deal with the depression, but remembering what I have done to her every time she brings up the past is still hurtful, and I know that this is how it will be. I really need the Lord to shed His mercy over us and to allow us to start over again.

 

[rivera01]

Hi everyone. I am still struggling, as you might all still expect. But I feel that I am further away from my goal, and my hopes are dwindling. I talked to her on wednesday and she told me that she no longer cares for men, to her all me are the same. She has told me that she feels attraction to women. She told me that at a party she had too much to drink and even got to the point of kissing another woman. She then backed off because she felt that it was wrong, and she backed off because of our children. I am really disappointed by all of what has happened. In a sense I feel that this is all my fault, that I have pushed her to those limits beacause of what I put her thru. I know that all of you are going to tell me that what she has done, is not my fault but hers, but I still cant help feeling hopeless and at fault. As i mentioned earlier in this reply, I feel that all is lost. I dont even know what to do. I started fasting for her so God can have mercy on her and to heal those wounds that she still has open. She told me yesterday that she has tried to give me love, but everytime she tries, she feels hatred toward everything that I have put her thru. She just cant get to that point with me. I feel lost and alone, I just dont know what to do any more.

 

[Serap]

Do you know what kind of a childhood she had? Did she have a good relationship with her father? I’m asking this, because sometimes, a woman’s fear and distrust in men and her desire to be loved, can cause her to desire/seek it from the same sex.

If she was badly abused as a child by a man, coupled with her marriage to you, she may not have faith in men anymore and is confusing a sexual attraction to women as her fear of being hurt by a man.

Just a thought?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Good day and GOD bless! I just want to say that you are a great person trying to get help so that you can make things better with your wife! GOD BLESS!

Allow me to tell you about my past marriage life…I was in a relationship like that, where my husband was a manipulator and an emotional abuser…He did hit me a couple of times but it was because “I started it,” and of course I hit back… It was not a good relationship and he caused my daughter a lot of pain, she still hasn’t gotten over it at all…And she makes my new relationship very difficult…Too difficult and it’s making her very sad and sour… Something we have been taking her to counseling for…So far it’s done her well and she’s been acting a little better and more accepting…Still a work in progress but we are trying.

My ex and I started seeing a marriage counselor, and he would put conditions on me, something that was not good in my eyes since we were trying to save a marriage where there was no love from me to him any more, and no passion, no romance, it was like, you are the father of my children and that was it…Yet he was putting conditions on me?! Hmmm…Even when the counselor told him not to he didn’t listen, I couldn’t be with someone whom only thought of himself all the time…I left…

But you seem to want to do something about it. And that’s great! Go for it…Try marriage counseling, speaking with your priest as a couple, talking with each other…

If my ex would have done all these things without CONDITIONS, and only putting me first and NOT HIS NEEDS FIRST, then things would have been different and I wouldn’t have left him! Also try to relive passionate moments…Things that she used to tell you attracted her to you…etc… I would always suggest to my ex things that I loved that he used to do early in our marriage and our relationship. But he wouldn’t do them…I would tell him to remember the little things not just the big ones and he would never do them it was like a burden to him…he just wanted me to do things not a 50/50 thing for him… It was difficult…

So try to do the things that she likes, try to talk to her and listen to her more often…Be playful with her and joke around with her…

There’s this song that my db sings to me it’s on the radio often, it’s called “She wouldn’t be gone,” he tries to do the little things for me…Listen to that song and see where you maybe could change your ways a little so she could notice and try to warm back up to you??

The lyrics go like this:
"Red roadside wild flower,
If I had only picked you,
Took you home, set you on the counter,
Oh at least a time or two,
Maybe she’d have thought it through.
Yellow sunset slowly dippin’ down in the rearview,
Oh how she loved to sit and watch you,
I could have done that a whole lot more.

[Bridge]
If I hadn’t been so stubborn,
Been so selfish,
Thought about her more,
Thought about me less.
Joked to make her happy,
Held her when she cried,
A little more of that, maybe I…

[Chorus]
Wouldn’t be drivin’ like hell,
Flyin’ like crazy down the highway,
Callin’ everyone we know,
Stoppin’ any place she might be,
Goin’ any place she might go.
Beatin’ on the dash,
Screamin’ out her name at the windshield,
Tears soakin up my face.
If I’d have loved her this much all along,
Maybe, maybe, yeah maybe,
She wouldn’t be gone.
She wouldn’t be gone.

She warned me it was comin’,
Said if I didn’t change she was leavin’.
I just didn’t believe
She would ever really walk out.
God I believe her now.
Called her momma,
Cried like a baby to her best friend,
If they’ve seen her they ain’t sayin’,
They ain’t sayin’.
Now I’m cursin’ like a fool,
Prayin’ it ain’t too late,
All I wanna do is fix my mistakes.
Find her; beg her, for one more try,
Until then damn it I’ll…

[Chorus]
Wouldn’t be drivin’ like hell,
Flyin’ like crazy down the highway,
Callin’ everyone we know,
Stoppin’ any place she might be,
Goin’ any place she might go.
Beatin’ on the dash,
Screamin’ out her name at the windshield,
Tears soakin’ up my face.
If I’d have loved her this much all along,
Maybe, maybe, yeah maybe,
She wouldn’t be gone.

I wouldn’t be beatin on the dash,
Screamin’ out her name at the windshield,
Tears soakin up my face.
If I’d have loved her this much all along,
Maybe, maybe, yeah maybe,
She wouldn’t be gone.

Red roadside wild flower,
If I had only picked you,
Took you home, set you on the counter,
Oh at least a time or two,
Maybe she’d have thought it through."

I like the song because even though life has taught us that we only realize we love something once it’s gone, this helps you realize it before she’s gone!! Good luck and GOD bless! Take care and I wish you lots of luck!!!

 

[rivera01]

Do you know what kind of a childhood she had? Did she have a good relationship with her father? I’m asking this, because sometimes, a woman’s fear and distrust in men and her desire to be loved, can cause her to desire/seek it from the same sex.

If she was badly abused as a child by a man, coupled with her marriage to you, she may not have faith in men anymore and is confusing a sexual attraction to women as her fear of being hurt by a man.

Just a thought?

I appreciate all your responses. Sadly counseling is out of the question for my wife. This is something that she does not wish to do. Same thing with talking to a priest. As far as what kind of childhood she has had. She was abused by her older two brothers when she was smaller. Her relationship with her father was not good either. While intercourse did not happen, she was touched by them. She witnessed both of her parents living sperated within her home, which is how we are living now. I mean what else can I do, I feel that there isnt much that I can do. I feel that I have lost completly. I feel that this is not going to work out, and all this love i feel toward her…what am i to do? I just feel that I can not continue on with all of this. i dont want to give up either, but at the same time, I am at the end of the road.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I appreciate all your responses. Sadly counseling is out of the question for my wife. This is something that she does not wish to do. Same thing with talking to a priest. As far as what kind of childhood she has had. She was abused by her older two brothers when she was smaller. Her relationship with her father was not good either. While intercourse did not happen, she was touched by them. She witnessed both of her parents living sperated within her home, which is how we are living now. I mean what else can I do, I feel that there isnt much that I can do. I feel that I have lost completly. I feel that this is not going to work out, and all this love i feel toward her…what am i to do? I just feel that I can not continue on with all of this. i dont want to give up either, but at the same time, I am at the end of the road.

I understand your feeling, and I will keep you in my prayers, may GOD bless you and help you through this difficult time! But don’t give up! I understand you must be overwhelmed and extremely exhausted from all this but you must not lose hope! God has a plan and whatever that plan may be put your pain and suffering and overwhelmed self on His hands and let God’s will be done!

Whatever you can do, try it. If you can sweet talk her into going with you to speak with someone, let her know that it’s for you more than for her, at least that might get her attention and get her out of the house to seek counseling. Sometimes you gotta use reverse psychology and just you know tell her that you need her help on this and see if she goes with you…And you can start in a counseling session to destress yourself and she can be there with you and she can hear your points and maybe things will start getting better from there you know?

I am very sorry about her childhood, I can’t even begin to fathom the pain she went through…Did she ever seek counseling then?

 

[Serap]

As far as what kind of childhood she has had. She was abused by her older two brothers when she was smaller. Her relationship with her father was not good either. While intercourse did not happen, she was touched by them. She witnessed both of her parents living sperated within her home, which is how we are living now. I mean what else can I do, I feel that there isnt much that I can do. I feel that I have lost completly. I feel that this is not going to work out, and all this love i feel toward her…what am i to do? I just feel that I can not continue on with all of this. i dont want to give up either, but at the same time, I am at the end of the road.

OK…thanks for sharing with me. This is the source of her attraction to women. She’s in a very fragile place right now. Whether she loves you or not right now, stick it out for as long as you can. She needs you. She needs to learn to trust a man again.

I too have had her experiences and it tears you apart. I was in therapy for years. It took so long for me to heal enough to lead a normal life. Your wife has never given herself the opportunity to heal. She needs to mourn the loss of her childhood and during this time she needs your unconditional love. You married a wounded woman who needs help and unfortunately you made it worse by disrespecting her.

You are in a tough place. Keep praying for strength to stick this out with your wife. She hasn’t left you, so she does still love you…actions speak louder than words.

Love her unconditionally as God will look down on you with the same love.

 

[zentik]

I mean what else can I do, I feel that there isnt much that I can do. I feel that I have lost completly. I feel that this is not going to work out, and all this love i feel toward her…what am i to do? I just feel that I can not continue on with all of this. i dont want to give up either, but at the same time, I am at the end of the road.

I know I said this before, but go to www.fireproofmymarraige.com. It will help, and give you a path to follow to regain your wife. I’m not sure if the movie is still playing, but try to go see it with her. If she won’t go, you go see it alone. It’s that life-changing!
Have you tried spending time before the Blessed Sacrament? Fr. Serpa always recommends that.

 

[rivera01]

Hi everyone, I am still at a loss. I know i must sound pathetic, but I feel so lonely right now. I know I have been told that it’s going to take time for my wife to come around, but I am feeling more abandoned than always. I talked to my wife today and she told me that she can’t come close to me because she feels hatred toward me and at the same time she is disgusted by me, I mean what else can I do? Even with these feelings that she has I feel that it is very hopeless. I feel that my problem is never going to be fixed. I told her that I have tried endlessly to show her that things are different with me, but its her hatred that doesnt let her see what i have done. I feel as if this is it, that there is nothing else i can do. I acknowledge that my suffering now, is because of the mistakes I commited early in my marriage. I know that hurting my partner is hurting myself. I told her that the person who I least expected to hurt me, was myself. That I found it ironic that I have suffered a great deal in my life since childhood and that now I have made myself unhappy. I know its not true, but I feel that the Lord himself has left me, that He doesnt listen to me. I dont know what else to do.

 

[LeroyCRHP]

Hang in there, you also have your 3 children together to take care of.

Is there anything that you can do together that would be enjoyable for both of you? A walk, game of tennis, movie, dinner, ice cream, anything? THis may take several years. Is she Catholic?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Leroy is right. You still have a marriage of sorts. And your vocation as a father still remains. What would you do if you left? Find another wife? Date? Cast your children into a lifetime of chaos that would take away their childhoods?

Remain in the home and continue to provide for your wife and children. God hasn’t abandoned you. Don’t abandon Him. And understand that sometimes a woman having children can open up wounds from being abused in her own childhood.

She needs counseling for that. But if she won’t go, that doesn’t mean you still don’t need to tell her you love her unconditionally and will stay and take care of her and the children.

That’s what real love does. It gives without asking in return. Your wife may never have known that. If you show her REAL love, she may fall in real love with you in return too. At the very least you will teach your children a profound life lesson about marriage. And you will be in the home to protect them from the kind of dangers that messed up their mother.

 

[rivera01]

Thank you very much for your (name removed by moderator)ut, you dont realize how much your words have lifted my spirits. Honestly, I wasnt planning on leaving, but I am feeling alone. I come from a divorced marriage and know how terrible this is for children. I just never thought we would repeat the same mistakes our parents did. Her parents are living in the same house, but seperated, as we are right now. Yes my wife is Catholic, and we can do those things together no problem. Its just that when it comes for my wife to come close to me, she can not do that because of what she feels, you can imagine the pain this causes me. You are right Liberanosamalo, I dont want my children to suffer because of our mistakes, it is not their fault.

 

[Serap]

Thank you very much for your (name removed by moderator)ut, you dont realize how much your words have lifted my spirits. Honestly, I wasnt planning on leaving, but I am feeling alone. I come from a divorced marriage and know how terrible this is for children. I just never thought we would repeat the same mistakes our parents did. Her parents are living in the same house, but seperated, as we are right now. Yes my wife is Catholic, and we can do those things together no problem. Its just that when it comes for my wife to come close to me, she can not do that because of what she feels, you can imagine the pain this causes me. You are right Liberanosamalo, I dont want my children to suffer because of our mistakes, it is not their fault.

You’ve got to give it time…time meaning a couple of years. It’s not going to change overnight.

Give your suffering to God and be the best father that you can be. You could take another approach. She may fall in-love with you all over again if she sees you loving and nurturing the children that you created together.

Focus on being a father. Give everything you have to your 3 children. Can you guys plan a family vacation to Disneyland or something like that? Maybe it will be good to get away together?

Give your wife time and space to heal. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Hang in there!

Look up St. Rita. Perhaps her blessings can help your family.

 

[rivera01]

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I will definately follow the advice given. I will offer my suffering to God, even though i know that this is very difficult, but acheivable. I will need to pray for patience and for change in both of our hearts. Thank you all.

 

[Serap]

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I will definately follow the advice given. I will offer my suffering to God, even though i know that this is very difficult, but acheivable. I will need to pray for patience and for change in both of our hearts. Thank you all.

You’re on the right track. You may have made mistakes in the past, but you’ve become a good man. Perhaps God is testing you now to see how patient and loving you will be and if you will be tempted to do the wrong things again.

 

[rivera01]

I have very sad news. My wife filed divorce papers today and just needs to pay for the other half so it can be completed. She wants us to go talk to our parish priest so we can try and get our marriage annuled. What other hope is there? I can’t even type right now. She told me that she saw a place where she wants to go live and she just needs to talk to the landlord. She said she is not going to back out if this and will continue foward because she is not at peace in the home. I asked her if we can seperate and just give it time, but she wants to get a divorce.

 

[Serap]

I am so sorry to hear this!!!

Your wife has free will and you cannot control what she does. You can only pray that the situation will get better.

Make sure that your children remain the most important part of this equation as they will be very confused and how you treat them now will affect the kind of person that they will become.

Continue to treat your wife with kindness no matter what happens. Don’t allow yourself to become vindictive and don’t use your children as a weapon against eachother.

Perhaps talking to a priest about your marriage situation will work in your favour. Perhaps the priest will suggest that the two of you give it a trial separation first for the sake of your children.

I feel terrible for you. This is awful to go through. I will pray for your family. Be strong and pray pray pray.

 

[rivera01]

Thank you