Need help...dating a single mom

[Xantippe]

All very good replies so far, and while they sometimes offer contrasting advice I can see the sense in all of them.

I just want to add that contraception is, to me, a bigger violation of chastity than sex outside marriage is. I would rather date someone who has a child, or children, than one who has doesn’t have them because of contraception. The one with children would be closer to my own values than the other.

Similarly, if I were a woman, I would rather date a man with children, than a virgin who habitually indulged in pornography and solo-sex. (I **was ** (past tense) the “virgin” man in this situation, and my advice based on my own experience)

The above are somewhat artificial “either/ors”. The chances are that a man or woman with a sexual past is going to have sins in multiple areas, but still if I was discerning someone I would apply these guidelines.

To put a really clear case, if I were to choose between a woman who gave into temptation, once, and had a child from it, and a woman who has been on contraception for two years, with no children, the woman with the child would be the easy choice. Similarly if it were two, or three children. She may be weak, or damaged by circumstances, but still a good woman.

Of course you don’t have to date anyone with a sexual past, and hope for the best in the range of dates which are then available.

There is definitely a problem inherent in the fact that a lot of sins involving unchastity are invisible to casual acquaintances–a past abortion (or multiple abortions) are invisible, just as a huge pornography and masturbation habit are invisible.

And yet on the other hand, certain patterns of behavior may signal impulsiveness and persistent bad judgment, either of which may cause a great deal of marital unhappiness, particularly when combined. My rule of thumb is that lots of perfectly good people have had a kid out of wedlock and gone on to be exemplary spouses. Two, however, suggests a person unable to learn from experience.

 

[johnz123]

Yeah at least she didn’t get an abortion

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Yes, but how many of those out of wedlock births happen to practicing catholic women? That is the dating pool that a catholic should be pulling from and not the population at large. I’d imagine that a dating pool of practicing catholics wouldn’t take anywhere near a 50% cut.

Not all people are cradle Catholics. And some fall away and then come back. It isn’t said how old the child is, a lot can change between child being born and who this person is now.

 

[LongingSoul]

I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child.

This was unfair. That is an important piece of information that should have been revealed before dating or at least on the first date. I understand why these girls keep that hidden because they don’t want that to factor into someones decision to date them… but it is deceitful and manipulative and will subtly impact on the whole spirit of a relationship.

 

[Edmundus1581]

There is definitely a problem inherent in the fact that a lot of sins involving unchastity are invisible to casual acquaintances

Yes, indeed!

My rule of thumb is that lots of perfectly good people have had a kid out of wedlock and gone on to be exemplary spouses. Two, however, suggests a person unable to learn from experience.

I agree. Two children out of wedlock suggests a person lacking some self-control or judgement. But there still may be other explanations. Hence my rider “weak, or damaged by circumstances”. Poverty or an abusive background, for example, may have contributed. But, yes, one definitely needs to observe the patterns, and people from different social backgrounds should be cautious about dating.

 

[underacloud]

I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder.

If this aspect bothers you, I would not pursue a relationship with this woman. She of course does not “belong to him”, but if her past bond with him troubles you, then you are right to step back.

This is not a matter of it being right or wrong, but just an aspect of the situation you are not comfortable with.

Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks

Others have suggested that if you’re not ready to be a father, your sholdn’t be considering marriage. But I don’t quite agree in this case - I think there is a difference here in that dating this woman could potentially thrust you into “being a father” (in some way) much quicker than it would if you date, find someone you want to marry, go on to marry then, and evenautally start a family. The immediacy of the child in this scenario is troubling you and I fully understand that.

Anyway, after only a couple of dates you could certainly step back, or you could meet her again and wait to see how you feel with a little more time. As with any dating, there’s no right or wrong in seeing how things go, and then ending it when you don’t think it is worth pursuing further.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Yeah at least she didn’t get an abortion

:yup:

This was unfair. That is an important piece of information that should have been revealed before dating or at least on the first date. I understand why these girls keep that hidden because they don’t want that to factor into someones decision to date them… but it is deceitful and manipulative and will subtly impact on the whole spirit of a relationship.

That was my very first thought on reading the OP. I’m glad that someone else mentioned it.

I have now recalled that I was in a similar situation, as the man, in my early twenties. There was a fine Christian woman who I clicked with, and who I dated a little bit. The first dates were casual Christian events, with no one-on-one time. However we were getting somewhat close. She told me, during a casual encounter, that she had had a child out of wedlock in her teens (and given it up for adoption). My respect for her after this was immense. She told me this before we had had even one serious date. Our relationship went nowhere, probably more because of my pornography problem (then) than her out-of-wedlock child. Needless to say, I never told her of my problem, and I think I hurt her.

I have always considered that young woman who had given a child up for adoption to be the best “missed opportunity” of my life.

This was about 1980 however, and times have certainly changed.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Joseph took care of a child that wasn’t his.

But as others have said, depends on the woman’s situation as well. I wouldn’t exclude it outright, but would go slowly and discern whether she is someone you would want to have a future with.

 

[Snowwhite16]

May I please offer you this? We do not know your heart however as the young man that you are, you have just started your adult life.

Please find a woman who does not have a child. Allow the natural plan of marriage to occur for you.

You could also talk to your Priest.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I’m married to a man who has a daughter from his first marriage. We met online and he was very open about being a single father - he had pics of DSD in his profile. He is divorced from his first wife and has a declaration of nullity. (Long story short: they primarily got married because she was pregnant and she decided she wasn’t happy and left him 4 years later.) There are a few VERY important things for you to consider when determining whether you want to have a relationship with this woman:

1. The child’s father: How recent is her breakup from the child’s father? What were the circumstances of the breakup? How involved is the child’s father? Could YOU be at risk from having a relationship with her? (If she left the child’s father due to an abusive situation YOUR personal safety could be at risk as well as hers.) Does her child’s father want to get back together with her?
2. The woman: How emotionally mature is she? Do you see any immediate red flags about her relationship with the child’s father? Is she looking for a true partner or just a “baby daddy” for her child? Is she prepared to give YOU time as well as her child? What kind of custody arrangement does she have with the child’s father? Are there continuing issues (for example, court battles)? If she was married, does she have a declaration of nullity (or at least, as DH did, VERY solid grounds for one)? If you would like to have your own children, is she open to that? (Later on, you may eventually need to consider things like support for the child if she passes away, depending on how your area’s laws about child support are set up, and the impact of child support payments on your finances - if she’s paying, how does that affect your finances; if she’s receiving, could your income be an issue, especially if the father claims financial hardship?)
3. The child: How old is this child? How is the child coping with his/her parents being separated? At what point does she think you should meet the child? (Generally it’s recommended that parents wait for a time before introducing their child to a prospective new partner. DH and I had been dating for several weeks before he introduced DSD and me, and he had actually planned to wait longer, but DSD, acting on her mother’s recommendation, kept trying to set DH up on dates with any woman they met - literally, from the cashier at the grocery store to the woman who came to check the gas meter.) Does the child have any severe behavioural problems that you should know about? If/when she brings up the fact that she’s dating, what does she tell you about how the child reacted?
4. Yourself - Are you prepared to assist with raising a child who is not biologically yours? What do you see as being your role as a step-parent? What about discipline for the child? Are you prepared for your life to do a complete 180-degree turn? (It literally does. You can’t just go do whatever you want; you have to make sure there’s food in the fridge for tomorrow, that you have the fixings for school lunches, that you don’t stay out too late because the child has school in the morning, that everybody went pee and everybody has his/her boots and mitts and scarf on before you leave, that everybody has his/her jacket zipped up, that the place you’re going is family friendly, that you can afford to take everyone out to go somewhere because it costs more when you have a family, that your child has seasonally-appropriate clothing that fits, that you remembered the skates and the helmet and the swimsuit and the teddy bear, that the homework is done, that you get back in time to collect your child from school, and oh, right, there’s early dismissal tomorrow so you have to be at the school an hour early, and there’s no school on Friday so you’ll need to arrange a sitter or reorganize your errands…you get the picture.) Are you prepared for the reality of sharing your spouse with a child so early in the relationship? How can you fit your need for shared couple time around your step-child’s needs? If you have your own children, can you set some rules with her that are compatible with the rules she already has for her child? Can you be careful not to show favouritism to “your” children?

I’m not saying blended families can’t work. Ours works very well. (I’ve been a stepmother for almost 4 years. DSD calls me Mom and tells everyone she has two moms.) But there are MANY considerations. If you don’t think this is something you can do, it’s better to tell her now than years down the road.

 

[JamalChristophr]

It should be noted this is for the sake of the child, not the sake of the adults. It helps keep some stability in the child’s life, and makes it so that when mom does marry it’s easier for the child to accept the step-parent as a new parent.

That makes sense.

 

[Xantippe]

This was unfair. That is an important piece of information that should have been revealed before dating or at least on the first date. I understand why these girls keep that hidden because they don’t want that to factor into someones decision to date them… but it is deceitful and manipulative and will subtly impact on the whole spirit of a relationship.

I think a second date is just fine for mentioning the existence of a child.

There is the very unpleasant fact that single parent families can be very attractive to pedophiles. By not advertising upfront the fact that she has a child, the OP’s date may manage to avoid a certain percentage of men that aren’t actually interested in her but in her kid.

So, that is perfectly prudent.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The only time I ever dated a single mom, I ended up marrying her, so I don’t see that as necessarily being a deal breaker. There are plenty of ways one can end up as a single mother so without knowing more about her there’s no reason to assume that it’s due to a character fault on her part.

I’m more concerned about the OP’s statement that he’s looking to get married but he’s not ready to be a father. I wouldn’t consider looking for marriage if you don’t think you’re capable to be a father as well.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Gotten some good perspectives on this, here’s mine:

A man has got to know his limitations. Do you know yours? This isn’t about her at this point, this isn’t about judging her. This is about looking into yourself and deciding what you can or can’t deal with. Because if you can’t deal with being a step-Dad down the road it’s wrong to toy with this woman’s affections because you now know that is part of the deal. If this goes anywhere-- she’s let you know. Because that child will come first in a lot of ways, they have to. Because you’ll need to be supportive of that child’s relationship with their father. Being a step-Dad isn’t being the Dad. The kid may come to love you, they may end up respecting you more than their own father but you won’t be Dad. No matter what they think of him they’ll want a relationship, and you’ll have to support that happening.

I’m a single Dad. My kids were older, their Mom brought another person into the mix and I saw how hard that was on them. I couldn’t do it- I’ve stayed single. I have the kids living with me full time which means I have to ensure their mother has access to them. In my home. Often-- as in every morning before school, on the weekends. Every tuesday she brings them dinner. I don’t have to do that-- but her home became someplace that wasn’t a home with them. A place they were uncomfortable. Single was easier and better in my case. It also made it easier for me to keep the kids in touch with my LXSNW’s parents. Bring the kids to visit them, go on vacations with them, have them at our home for holidays etc.

You have to really look inside yourself and consider whether you can support this woman in doing what’s best for her child-- including supporting relationships with not just the father, but the father’s family- his parents.

Again, this really isn’t about her, or making assessment of her at this point. That’s what dating is supposed to be- getting to know the person and whether you’re compatible. It is about you understanding all the things that may be on the horizon if you continue down this path. Don’t waste her time, don’t get her hopes up, let her find the person who is compatible with everything in her life if you can’t be that person. That isn’t a hit against you again, be honest with yourself

A man has got to know his limitations.

 

[MarisaJean]

From a single moms stand point, give her a chance. You were interested in her up until that point. If you are looking to get married, having children is part of that. You cannot look at her as someone’s territory. I had a child, her biological father is a good man and she sees him and we are still friends. Just because in the end things do not work out does not make the child a mistake. God gives us free will and sometimes we learn the hard way just how much we should control that free will. But God also sends new people into our lives, permanent people. I have a wonderful man that has been in our lives since she was 2. Is it her biological father…no, but does he love and care for her just like a dad would…yes! Is it a learning process for all involved…absolutely! But instead of just closing the door on her because of her past maybe God lead you to her for another reason. Pray on it brother…God doesn’t just lead you to people for no good reason. God bless and good luck!

 

[Dulcie]

I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder. Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks

It’s good to be realistic that dating/marrying someone with a child is generally somewhat different from dating someone childless. It’s also fine to decide that you, personally, do not feel able to take on the position of a step-parent. But I think it’s well worth remembering that everyone comes to a relationship with baggage; it’s just that some people’s baggage is more immediately visible and tangible than others’. I was in your position but in reverse; as a “young female in my twenties” I suddenly found myself dating an older man with kids. It was quite a shock! But I found the most amazing man, and I thank God for him every day. He puts up with way more of my emotional baggage than I have ever had to put up with from his kids.

The most important thing we’ve done is to take it slowly. You don’t jump into being a step-parent after the second date, or even after the first time you get to meet the kids. And you take the time to form a solid relationship with the parent first - they are the primary relationship; a solid step-parent relationship stems from that, and comes afterwards.

In terms of “being a father”, how much do you actually know about this young woman’s situation? Because there is a big difference between being a father-figure to her child (which is always possible, if the child’s father is not in her life at all) and being a step-parent (my own position). Does the child live with her full-time? How involved is the father? What is their relationship like? All things to consider. And no, she definitely does not “belong” to another man. The only instance in which you would be an intruder is if she is actually still married to this man, or in a relationship with him. If so then yes, you should not date her. Otherwise - you’re free to discern marriage with her (or not).

 

[LongingSoul]

I think a second date is just fine for mentioning the existence of a child.

There is the very unpleasant fact that single parent families can be very attractive to pedophiles. By not advertising upfront the fact that she has a child, the OP’s date may manage to avoid a certain percentage of men that aren’t actually interested in her but in her kid.

So, that is perfectly prudent.

Pedophiles can be hard to detect in families let alone after two dates with a stranger. If that is the reasoning behind hiding the fact of a child then it should be kept hidden for a lot longer than two short meetings with a man.

 

[Edmundus1581]

…But I think it’s well worth remembering that everyone comes to a relationship with baggage; it’s just that some people’s baggage is more immediately visible and tangible than others’…

:yup:

I’ve previously mentioned that sexual “baggage” in the form of a child may be much better than invisible sexual baggage. But the child may also be much easier to take on than other (non-sexual) baggage as well.

 

[Xantippe]

Pedophiles can be hard to detect in families let alone after two dates with a stranger. If that is the reasoning behind hiding the fact of a child then it should be kept hidden for a lot longer than two short meetings with a man.

Well, it does filter out those pedophiles that are specifically “shopping” for a single mom, particularly in an online dating environment.

In a more natural social environment, of course acquaintances know whether or not you’ve got kids.

 

[Xantippe]

In any case, waiting until the second date to mention a child does suggest prudence and good sense.