NFP leading to marriage break-up

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Recovery from an affair is difficult no matter the circumstances (whether the couple stays married or separates). As they work through this process, the hurt spouse will learn ways that she is not perfect in the marriage. However, the involved spouse is ALWAYS 100% at fault for the affair. It does not matter what is happening at home. The involved spouse CHOSE to go outside of the marriage.

Also, many times, the involved spouse doesn’t do this because of something lacking in the marriage. I have heard of this and also speak from experience. If you had asked my husband before he started his affair, he would have told you our marriage was perfect. Emotions, loneliness, depression, and curiosity got the best of him. (He was working overseas at the time.) Of course, we now see many deficits and, even while still recovering, we have a better marriage than it was before. It doesn’t minimize what he did or the pain that I still feel, but I hope it gives you hope.

P.S. We are another couple who used NFP and have been afflicted by this. AND we were trying to conceive during it.:eek:
 
It’s really helpful to read about other people’s experiences. Things have come out about our relationship that show that I am certainly not the perfect wife. That doesn’t justify infidelity but I need to recognise that there are things that both of us need to work on.

Magdelaine, you hit the nail on the head. Much of what you describe applied to us. I didn’t feel appreciated so I wasn’t very responsive physically. He didn’t feel appreciated physically so he didn’t give me the appreciation I wanted. Now we need to turn the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.

It doesn’t help that he now claims he doesn’t believe in God any more… That is not an impediment to our marriage but it is an impediment to him feeling real forgiveness and being able to move on.

Right, back to my rosary…
 
Agatha_Lucy said:
It doesn’t help that he now claims he doesn’t believe in God any more… That is not an impediment to our marriage but it is an impediment to him feeling real forgiveness and being able to move on.

Right, back to my rosary…
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Agatha Lucy, we will all keep praying with you and for your husband. It actually makes sense that he has lost his faith. He is probably a man who never thought he could have an affair. In doing so, he had to rewrite his moral code in order to live with himself. We’ll pray him back to God. Immerse yourself in Good Friday this year. Watching the Passion together soon after disclosure was also VERY beneficial to me and my husband.
 
hurtandhealing said:
Recovery from an affair is difficult no matter the circumstances (whether the couple stays married or separates). As they work through this process, the hurt spouse will learn ways that she is not perfect in the marriage. However, the involved spouse is ALWAYS 100% at fault for the affair. It does not matter what is happening at home. The involved spouse CHOSE to go outside of the marriage.
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I agree totally.

And I’m admiring that you were able to work things out with your husband; your witness is an inspiration.

Agatha: I’m so happy (and relieved) that my comments have been helpful rather than hurtful. God bless!
 
MamaJewel said:
I can only share with you that I understand how much pain you are in. When I first found out and for a long time after, I felt like my life was a lie. We hear that NFP makes better marriages, has a low divorce rate, improves communication, etc and then some of us find ourselves dealing with a horrific betrayal. It just hurts more. Even for married couples that contracept, an affair is horrific. But I think that with couples who practice NFP, an affair intensifies the betrayal.

Know this my sister in Christ, you are being carried by our Lord right now. Through all of the loneliness, despair, anger, hurt, betrayal, confusion…He is holding you close and keeping you in His Sacred Heart.

You can get through this. Step by step. I’m keeping you, your husband and your children in my prayers. May Mama Mary wrap you in her protective mantle.

((((((AgathaLucy))))))
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You are one awesome woman. God be with you.
 
Hi ma’ma,

I always turn to these passages in times of trial
1 Peter 1: 6-7
Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. Then you will receive praise and glory and honor on the Day when Jesus Christ is revealed.
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1 Peter 5:9-11
Be firm in your faith and resist him, because you know that other believers in all the world are going through the same kind of sufferings. But after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who calls you to share his eternal glory in union with Christ, will himself perfect you and give you firmness, strength, and a sure foundation. To him be power forever. Amen.
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When I feel abandoned, I always turn to the responsorial psalm of Palm Sunday: My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? (02:26-05:32). The text can be found here.

I wish you peace and comfort and may Easter bring Joy to your family.

Love
 
AgathaLucy, So sorry to hear of your pain. May God give you the Grace to survive this betrayal and be even stronger in the end.

magdaleine, sometimes a rape victim DOES wear a sexy red dress. It doesn’t make it her fault. Nobody is perfect and we ALL need to work on our imperfections. But there is a clear line where the minor imperfection of one is grasped at as an excuse by the other. Absolutely be humble enough to admit that you have things to work on. Do NOT let ANYbody use that humility to shift the guilt of his sin to you.
 
in our marriage I am the one feeling resentful to the use of NFP. I am the catholic and my husband is not. He had started attending the catechism classes but immediately stopped when he realized we were expecting the fourth child. I also have serious problems and doubts towards effectiveness of NFP after I had done all that is possible and was even training to be a Trainer of trainer for the NFP use.

I am currently receiving help through spiritual direction to see what could be root cause of my crisis with my faith - and I am grateful for this.

I know everything takes a day at a time - but I still do not know what to do after this pregnancy in regard to my sexual relationships with my hubby - it none existance at the moment. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there - all i know is that I have been seeking and finding out what are the options available to a catholic - I am sure I do not want to use contraceptives. I also feel it is not my decision to make and the only decision I want to make is total abstance (without a care to the world) - if he wants to make a different decision it is entirely upto him

Please include me in your prayers especially this time of easter.
 
Hi Agatha Lucy!

No doubt you have an *information overload *with all these posts. I hope we are not overwhelming you.

From skimming over the posts, I have the impression that @magdelaine has made many wise and essential points. Read her posts twice.

Most do well in pointing out that there are bigger issues here than just NFP/ABC,** but they fail to realize that these issues have to be address in a language that husbands can understand** - commonly this is sex… the mere fact that your husband voice is frustration using this as an example means he will relate to any signals in this area much more than praying, going to church, wanting therapy, doing retreats either unilaterally or “dragging” him along.

Although your husband is 100% responsible for his affair does not necessarily mean that he is 100% responsible for the circumstances that made him have one. It takes two people to make a marriage work.

You are going to love Retrouvaille! All the best1
 
Agatha_Lucy said:
It’s really helpful to read about other people’s experiences. Things have come out about our relationship that show that I am certainly not the perfect wife. That doesn’t justify infidelity but I need to recognise that there are things that both of us need to work on.

Magdelaine, you hit the nail on the head. Much of what you describe applied to us. I didn’t feel appreciated so I wasn’t very responsive physically. He didn’t feel appreciated physically so he didn’t give me the appreciation I wanted. Now we need to turn the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.

It doesn’t help that he now claims he doesn’t believe in God any more… That is not an impediment to our marriage but it is an impediment to him feeling real forgiveness and being able to move on.

Right, back to my rosary…
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As I’m not married I can’t offer any advice or opinions but just to say that I thinks it’s admirable that you’re willing to stay with him and try to work on things. If it were me I’m not sure I could do that. But then again I’m not married and don’t have kids so who knows what I would do. Prayers headed your way. 👍
 
Thanks for the further posts and prayers – truly a life line for me.

It’s one step forward, two steps back here. Sometimes it seems as if my husband is really committed to working on things, sometimes not. i’m now in the habit of reading his emails – which I know i shouldn’t – and anyway most of which he deletes. i read something he wrote to his father where he said he still didn’t completely regret the affair…

… also more has come out about contributory factors. Turns out he’s annoyed with my more ‘modest’ style of dress in recent years. Not that I’m fanatical (IMO anyway) but he would clearly like me to dress more ‘sexily’. I’ve explained that I don’t want to be on show for other men to see but he doesn’t see it like that. we’re just not on the same page…

today he proposed moving out for a while so he could ‘woo me back’ and also ‘appreciate the children more’. i was devastated by this proposal and said I thought he’d never come back… he said that although he loves the children , ‘he could live without them’…

this is such a struggle… i’m trying to do the right thing and have glimpses that maybe one day it will all be ok but it seems so, so far away.

praying for all your intentions, too.
 
If he does move out, get the kids into counseling. I’m sure his “I can live without you, Kids” attitude shines through to them and they are hurting very deeply over the rejection.

I can’t guarantee you that when he moves out he will not stay gone. Or at least till you get a lawyer and he has to start paying family support. Then he might “see the light” but trust me, unless he’s coming back because he loves all of YOU and NOT because he loves money, it won’t work.

Praying for you. Been there, done that with the guy who missed his bachelor days. If they’re not sorry because they offended God and you, they don’t come back. And blaming YOU because you don’t dress sexily (with four kids???) is just his narcissistic placing of the blame on everyone but himself. You didn’t go find a lover because of HIS changes in 15 years. He’ll find that there are women who WILL have an affair with a married man who goes home to a wife who does all the cleaning and maintenance. But once he is “free” and might end up with his laundry bag on their doorstep they lose interest. (Plus 4 kids on his visitation weekend? NO way!)

If his father isn’t completely condemnatory of his defilement of his marriage vows and betrayal of his family, that might be an indication of why he felt free to do this. Some families have an idea that it’s okay for the men to step out. If his dad was a cheater, you won’t have any help with his father giving him any pressure to man up and do the right thing by his wife and kids.

How sad not to be sorry for your sins. Until he’s genuinely contrite he’ll keep doing it. Satan really has a hold of this guy.
 
Agatha_Lucy said:
Thanks for the further posts and prayers – truly a life line for me.

It’s one step forward, two steps back here. Sometimes it seems as if my husband is really committed to working on things, sometimes not. i’m now in the habit of reading his emails – which I know i shouldn’t – and anyway most of which he deletes. i read something he wrote to his father where he said he still didn’t completely regret the affair…

… also more has come out about contributory factors. Turns out he’s annoyed with my more ‘modest’ style of dress in recent years. Not that I’m fanatical (IMO anyway) but he would clearly like me to dress more ‘sexily’. I’ve explained that I don’t want to be on show for other men to see but he doesn’t see it like that. we’re just not on the same page…

today he proposed moving out for a while so he could ‘woo me back’ and also ‘appreciate the children more’. i was devastated by this proposal and said I thought he’d never come back… he said that although he loves the children , ‘he could live without them’…

this is such a struggle… i’m trying to do the right thing and have glimpses that maybe one day it will all be ok but it seems so, so far away.

praying for all your intentions, too.
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Any marriage encounter will tell you that the kids should not be the most important part of a couples relationship. Maybe (to try to give him some credit) he thinks they have become the most important thing in your life.

There was a post a while back that suggested TOB for Beginners. And a the 7 levels of intimacy. Definitely on the mark.

To obtain what you both want requires a few things. One, an understanding of how a relationship can work. TOB and 7 Levels can help here. The next is the understanding that unconditional love requires unconditional forgiveness. This is what was promised at your wedding. Third, a committed choice by both parties to work toward the future with ALL of the trials and issues at hand and that will come in the future.

It’s a tall order, but not impossible. Love is a choice, not an emotion.

You have been given much good advice. I just thought I’d support it.

And additionally, I understand the male ego pretty well. It’s so much easier to blame something or someone else for our mistakes. Or to say we’re bigger than God. So much so, that we will avoid those things that can lead us away from God because the guilt felt is hard to deal with. It’s not for men only, but maybe we can bury our feelings of inadequacy far more easily. getting the help he needs might be OK if he seeks counseling separately. Maybe you can see the counsellor separately, too.
 
Your husband has given up hope… perhaps a long time ago. What you see coming to a head now has being smoldering perhaps for years or even decades. The affair, whenever it was, could well be his cry of desperation “I want out” or a mere “I don’t care anymore”.
he would clearly like me to dress more ‘sexily’. I’ve explained that I don’t want to be on show for other men to see but he doesn’t see it like that. we’re just not on the same page…
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Although this is far from the crux of the issue, this is one area where you can do something that your husband might respond to. Put aside your scruples for a while and put that sexy revealing dress on and don’t concern yourself with what other men might think. This excuse of your’s is just as superficial has most of your husband’s. Let your husband show you off as his trophy wife and you will see a twinkle in his eyes that you haven’t seen for years. To hell with subjective worries of modesty…and don’t let opposing arguments that use extreme examples of contrast distract with this simple and important request from your husband.

And go ahead and do your Retrovaille thing as soon as you can.

And if your husband takes a “break” (moves out for a time), make it clear that that means divorce to you and when he leaves he is never coming back. Don’t think for an instant that he will keep his pants up while away… he wants to engage in a binge of sexual excitement that he things he misses and that you and the kids impede.
 
AgathaLucy,

After reading your updates, I think he might still be involved with the other woman (OW).
Do you know who she is? Is she married? (You don’t have to answer here, but these are things you need to know.) There is no room for three people in a marriage.
His remarks about moving out and how he feels toward the children lead me to believe that he will be able to walk away from his family without a second thought.

What is it that you want right now, for you, in the given circumstances? He isn’t on board with marriage or parenting. You really are going to need to protect your children from his damaging attitude. Consider a counselor for the kids and for yourself. Also, please contact a lawyer asap. You need to know your rights and responsibilities as well as what is expected of your husband. Knowing the facts of his affair, whether or not he is still actively committing adultery (and btw, you have every right to “snoop” because he has broken the trust…don’t feel guilty about that) and the child support and child visitation guidelines of your state/county will allow you to make the best informed decision about moving forward through this mess.

I think Libera’s comment is on target. Your husband sounds very selfish. You’ll have to ask yourself if he is that way normally. If he is a narcissist, then you might want to reconsider trying to reconcile, because that is one of many personality types that isn’t capable of having a true, intimate relationship. (I say this because of his attitude toward the children. He seems to think the children should be providing him with a reason to appreciate them. It’s not the kids job to do so…)

If you get the chance, read the book Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It’s great in helping to process through the revelation and aftermath of an affair. It can be used by couples to recover and heal their marriage or for a spouse who has to heal alone. Another good read for women whose husbands are in an affair or just out of an affair, but not sure about the marriage is You, Him, and the Other Woman by Paul Coleman.

Keep praying and stay strong in your Faith. We can’t say that everything will work out with your marriage, but things will be ok for you and the children in the long term. God will take care of you.
 
markxcool said:
Your husband has given up hope… perhaps a long time ago. What you see coming to a head now has being smoldering perhaps for years or even decades. The affair, whenever it was, could well be his cry of desperation “I want out” or a mere “I don’t care anymore”.

Although this is far from the crux of the issue, this is one area where you can do something that your husband might respond to. Put aside your scruples for a while and put that sexy revealing dress on and don’t concern yourself with what other men might think. This excuse of your’s is just as superficial has most of your husband’s. Let your husband show you off as his trophy wife and you will see a twinkle in his eyes that you haven’t seen for years. To hell with subjective worries of modesty…and don’t let opposing arguments that use extreme examples of contrast distract with this simple and important request from your husband.

And go ahead and do your Retrovaille thing as soon as you can.

And if your husband takes a “break” (moves out for a time), make it clear that that means divorce to you and when he leaves he is never coming back. Don’t think for an instant that he will keep his pants up while away… he wants to engage in a binge of sexual excitement that he things he misses and that you and the kids impede.
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Oh, please, she’s a human being, not an object!

And as far as putting on a sexy, revealing dress and not considering what others might think: Lead us not into temptation!

And what is she supposed to do with her husband if she does decide to follow your advice, dress up sexy and go out for a date night with him and rev his engines. Does she then deny him, or have marital relations according to her Catholic ethics…ie, have unsafe, unprotected relations with him that are"open to life"? Um, where does potentially creating a new life fit in with the current circumstances she’s dealing with? And if she gets him wound up and then refuses him, he’ll think even worse of her.

The issue here isn’t about the sexiness or sex. It’s about her wayward husband’s inability to communicate how he feels and his inability to view women with a human dignity, instead of objectifying them. She’s not a trophy. She’s a person!!!

I’m sorry to sound so …frustrated. But AgathaLucy is dealing with a serious situation that is so far beyond the scope of what sacramental marriage is about. There is no room for anything less than upholding the sacrament and respecting the dignity of each spouse and the children that are gifts of that sacrament.
 
markxcool said:
Your husband has given up hope… perhaps a long time ago. The affair, whenever it was, could well be his cry of desperation “I want out” or a mere “I don’t care anymore”.

Although this is far from the crux of the issue, this is one area where you can do something that your husband might respond to. Put aside your scruples for a while and put that sexy revealing dress on and don’t concern yourself with what other men might think. This excuse of your’s is just as superficial has most of your husband’s. Let your husband show you off as his trophy wife and you will see a twinkle in his eyes that you haven’t seen for years. To hell with subjective worries of modesty…and don’t let opposing arguments that use extreme examples of contrast distract with this simple and important request from your husband.
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Sorry, but no. The spouse who commits adultery is NOT a victim. Also, this is insulting to those of us who were faithful and devoted to our spouse and were “thrown away”. The OP is good enough, beautiful enough, woman enough to deserve the fidelity of a committed husband. He chose horribly. Not her fault.
 
SarahR
Correct, “The spouse who commits adultery is NOT a victim.” Absolutely correct. But also DO NOT PRETEND that the real victim, in this case AgathaLucy, is automatically a perfect and ideal wife. No one is perfect and she will be the first to say so. So open your eyes and realize that a series of factors lead up to this infidelity, part of which AgathaLucy takes responsibility for. Although the husband is 100% responsible for his actions (is not the victim) the fact that he sinned does not grant AgathaLucy a total absolution for any of her imperfections.

MamaJewel
Oh, please, MamaJewel, she’s a human being and so is everyone else… Everyone has their bodies, minds and souls come together and make the most of our situations. Resorting to a prudish, close-minded, selfish, egoistic and FAKE sense of purity and modesty does no good service to anyone, not even AgathaLucy. Please don’t project your morals on her. She has her own environment and conscience. Its her call. We just try to help from the peanut gallery.

Half your comments are assumptions and speculation… best left at that. No comment. If AgathaLucy brings up those points herself, we can share our thoughts.
 
Markx, why do you assert MamaJ’s purity is fake? I’m sorry, but I am with her on this one; objectifying AgathaLucy is not going to be productive here. It seems to me, from the little slice of the marriage that is available on the thread, Hubby needs to rediscover marriage as a sacrament, the total, free, faithful self-donation of one’s self to the spouse, in imitation of Christ, and in the image of our trinitarian God, not get farther away from that.
 
I think generally when men want their wives to dress “sexy” they don’t mean they want their wives to look like a hooker. More often they just mean they want their wives to look feminine, attractive, and chic, all of which can be achieved while still being modest. Men want to be proud of their wives and to show them off in the sense that they want other men to think “Lucky guy, his wife is so pretty” not “I want to make a pass at her” or “Poor guy, his wife totally let herself go and is frazzled and frumpy.” My guess is more Catholic husbands would want their wives to look like they came from Paris then that they came from either a Jerry Springer show or a Mennonite church (not that there is anything wrong with Mennonite clothing per se). Please note-even wives that fall into the frazzled and frumpy category (I’m guilty as charged myself though trying to reform-it’s rough raising a brood of kids) don’t deserve to get cheated on and this should never be used as an excuse.

To the OP: I found your husband’s statement about "he could live without [the kids] far more alarming. What is a typical evening or weekend like in your house? Is it generally pleasant, albeit a little dull or is it total bedlam to the point that your husband dreads being home? I guess I find it odd that any man that would have so many children doesn’t seem to really like them…but hopefully I’m way off base.

I hope your husband is willing to go into marriage counseling and really work hard. It may feel like you are the one having to tolerate so much, but focus on the fact that it will benefit your children to have their dad around (even though it you may find it hard to be in the same room with him right now).
 
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