Niece pregnant

[Samson01]

I think that there is nothing wrong with saying to the niece “if you think adoption is something you want to consider I would be happy to adopt your child”. If the niece is panicking about the pregnancy it would surely give her much relief to know the option is there. But I would not try and talk her into it at all. As PP has said many women find themselves young, poor, unmarried and pregnant and the child gives them the motivation needed to step up and get their act together. I was young and unmarried when I got pregnant and DH and I were poor as dirt. But we got married, he went back to school and now we’re still low income but happily married with two wonderful kids. Both of us matured A WHOLE LOT.
I belong to a group for young mothers that meets weekly and I’ve met so many remarkable young women that realized what was at stake and went back to school, got their lives together and figured it out.
Just because someone is young, poor and unmarried doesn’t mean they will be a terrible parent and adoption is automatically the default. Convincing a reluctant mom to adopt out her baby will lead to an extrememly depressed and troubled birth mother. If on the other hand she’s really upset about the pregnancy and feels she isn’t in a place at her life where she can raise the baby then adoption by a relative is a wonderful thing.
I think you should guage her reaction OP. Did your neice announce the pregnancy or her parents? Did she seem excited about it or upset?

I agree…how many people here where “well off” when they had their first child…? And why is it nobody suggested talking to the father?? Urge them both to step up!!! How does he feel about adoption? Would he work to keep it together? Samson.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Adoption is not the last option, it is AN option. You are clueless.

That wasn’t very nice to say. That is probably a young person who has grown up in an adoptionless environment. Most young people now days believe that if a girl gets pregnant, she should try to keep the baby - there is no shame any more in being an unwed mother, and the child is no longer called a “bastard.” It’s been over 30 years of the only choices being keep the baby or get an abortion, it’s really not something young people know about or think about.

 

[kozlosap]

That wasn’t very nice to say. That is probably a young person who has grown up in an adoptionless environment. Most young people now days believe that if a girl gets pregnant, she should try to keep the baby - there is no shame any more in being an unwed mother, and the child is no longer called a “bastard.” It’s been over 30 years of the only choices being keep the baby or get an abortion, it’s really not something young people know about or think about.

WHAT? As the pro-life people of this world, we should also be very respectful of women who chose to keep and raise their children if they are single. Are you suggesting that the sins of the mother should be carried by her children in the form of being described as “bastards”, etc? I think maybe the Gospels of our Lord might have a different take on your opinion.

 

[Samson01]

That wasn’t very nice to say. That is probably a young person who has grown up in an adoptionless environment. Most young people now days believe that if a girl gets pregnant, she should try to keep the baby - there is no shame any more in being an unwed mother, and the child is no longer called a “bastard.” It’s been over 30 years of the only choices being keep the baby or get an abortion, it’s really not something young people know about or think about.

Wow…I hope the lack of response is because of shock and not agreement with this…Calling any child a “bastard” should be met with disgust, then and now…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

WHAT? As the pro-life people of this world, we should also be very respectful of women who chose to keep and raise their children if they are single. Are you suggesting that the sins of the mother should be carried by her children in the form of being described as “bastards”, etc? I think maybe the Gospels of our Lord might have a different take on your opinion.

No, everyone is misunderstanding what I said. I said that the term is NOT used any more - that is a good thing. But also young women forget that the baby they are carrying should be considered in what they decide to do, in a realistic way and not just “oh well, I’ll take it a day at a time and get help from other people.” Those other people including the government may not always be there.

What is so difficult to understand about the option of adoption? It has become a non-option and I know this very well because I do sidewalk counseling at Planned Parenthood. We just can’t bring it up to an abortion-minded girl or young woman because she only sees 9 mos. of struggle and then labor and nothing. She usually is not thinking about her baby’s best future, only her own options. So we usually talk about only keeping the baby. A few girls do reach the point of considering adoption, and thank God for them! The MTV show “16 and Pregnant” actually had a show about 2 girls who gave their babies up for adoption and I was very glad to see that. I have watched the show quite a few times and was worried that it would glamorize teen pregnancy but I do not believe it does - it’s very honest about what the girl is really going through and the challenges of being 16 and pregnant. The girl ends up being much more mature than her boyfriend since she has to think about another person, while the boy is mostly still unchanged.

Anyway, I do not want people to think I am using that term lightly. I am not. I am pro-adoption and pro-life.

 

[Walking_Home]

TheRealJuliane:

That wasn’t very nice to say. That is probably a young person who has grown up in an adoptionless environment. Most young people now days believe that if a girl gets pregnant, she should try to keep the baby - there is no shame any more in being an unwed mother, and the child is no longer called a “bastard.” It’s been over 30 years of the only choices being keep the baby or get an abortion, it’s really not something young people know about or think about.

Wow…I hope the lack of response is because of shock and not agreement with this….Calling any child a “bastard” should be met with disgust, then and now….

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I most certainly agree Samson01. Labeling the child of an unwed mother a “bastard” is disgusting.

 

[purplesunshine]

Adoption is just as much an option as it was. However women were forced into adoption and their babies were sometimes stolen from them. Please look into testimony of mothers pre 1970 before you go spouting off that its not “encouraged” enough. Most of the adoptions were cohersed if not fully illegal.

Thats why we have 3 day laws for instance.

 

[Defender1]

Adoption should be the last option for both the mother and baby, what sometime’s happen’s and hopefully in this case is that those who are at first immature live up to the responsibility. Once she hold’s the baby in her arm’s and see him/her for the first time, that might be the kick she need’s. I think talking to her in private and explaining it to her how much she need’s to change etc for the baby should also be something that is done regularly

You mean that adoption should be the last option after abortion right?I mean abortion should not even be an option . What is so bad about adoption . If this woman wants to adopt this child (that would probably for the time being be better off with the aunt ) then she should let them know . Adoption is a wonderful thing . There are so many people out there who would love to adopt a child especially when that child could have been aborted . And especially if they knew that the other option was to abort the child .

 

[Defender1]

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I most certainly agree Samson01. Labeling the child of an unwed mother a “bastard” is disgusting.

the term bastard is so degrading . Its like calling a child a worthless piece of **** .I dont approve of the term .

 

[karow]

Also think about how it will affect the child later in life always wondering where and who their real parent’s are.

Most adoptions today, at least those in the US, are open adoptions. In open adoptions the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know each other. The parental rights of biological parents are terminated, but the parties remain in contact. Children visit with their biological parents if that’s in the best interests of the child. No secrets. No wondering.

Moreover, the people adopt and raise the child are the child’s “real parents.”

And something to think about: sometimes the most responsible thing a pregnant woman can do for her for her baby is to have her adopted.

 

[vera_dicere]

Also think about how it will affect the child later in life always wondering where and who their real parent’s are… probably admit that maybe adoption is the best alternative but it should be the last resort

They’ll manage.

I did, and a lot of other adopted peopel I know do as well. Most people who are adopted consider teh peopel their adoptive parents their REAL parents.

Adoption should be the FIRST resort when a woman is pregnant out of wedlock, young, uneducated essentially. There are so many stable married couples out there who are waiting in vain for children. I’m so grateful that my biological mother placed me for adoption because the life I would have had would not have been a good one, either emotionally or in any other form. She went on to have two more children out of wedlock, and while one was rather sick and had special needs, the other child is now in her late teens and out of control.

There’s a reason God told us to wait till marriage for sex. That child deserves a mother and a father and a stable home life. Not being dumped on family or in day care while mum tries to get her education/job sorted out.

Granted, I know a couple, drug users, heavy drinkers, both dropped out of school when they were 15, owed a lot of money to a lot of people, the boy was always in trouble with the law, had a long record of B&E’s, car theift, you name it. They were also completely filthy, they were always messy, had take aways, couldn’t cook, and came from very disfunctional families - child services had been involved in both of their lives when they themselves were children. The girl got pregnant at 19 he was 21 and while I’m glad they didn’t kill the child, I did think adoption was the best option considering their circumstances, especially since the girl didn’t get any pre-natal exams or anything.

Anyway, baby is born, and while not very healthy, the girl has stepped up to the plate, heck, even the father has managed to keep his job since the kid was born several months back, which is a big deal for him. They’re sorting their mess out and its a good thing.

End of the day, children are NOT property, they are not status symbols or dolls. While I have sympathy for the OP, the OP’s neice, my main concern is the child. If we want to get this society back to some form of mortality if we want to re-establish the family as the foundation stone of our communities we need to start ensuring children have the best chance, and that’s with a mum AND a dad in a stable relationship, not some poor girl who wants to play house.

So my advice to the OP, sit down and have this conversation with your neice, be sympathetic to her plight, but at the same time let her knwo that this is another human being involved here. Let her know how proud you are of her that she isn’t taking the so called “easy” way out with an abortion. Get some information about the local adoption agencies and how they work, perhaps an open adoption would be appropriate for your neice?

 

[cmscms]

A last option that should only be viable when the mother of the child is unable to provide for him/her. And about the last remark. wise up

Paddy, I don’t think you are seeing the whole picture. If the mom ‘tries’ to be a good mom and fails and then turns to adoption the kid could well be over a few years old. I know a sixteen year old who did as you say. When she realized she couldn’t cope she gave her son up for adoption. She says she will never forget dropping of the kid and leave the room will he keept sreaming ‘Mommy’. This kid probably will rememeber that day for the rest of their life.

When you give the baby up at a couple of days old, they are still young enough to have the first bond with the adopted mother and there is a lot less consequences. Not to mention, no baggage from having spent the first few years of life with an incompetent mom.

Lastly, as for the aunt adopting. I think it would be WAY to hard on your niece to see her daughter call the aunt ‘mommy’ at family reunions. If this girl is going to give the kid up, she deserve to not have it in her face

CM

 

[cmscms]

I. I was young and unmarried when I got pregnant and DH and I were poor as dirt. But we got married, he went back to school and now we’re still low income but happily married with two wonderful kids. Both of us matured A WHOLE LOT.

I think you are missing the point. You and your husband decided to get married and take your responsibilities. By the sound of the OP, her niece isn’t willing to learn to grow up. World of difference

And by the way, I think what you and your husbance did is remarkable !

CM

 

[rayne89]

Also think about how it will affect the child later in life always wondering where and who their real parent’s are.

As a adult adopted as an infant I know exactly who my real parents are. It’s my biological parents who are unknown to me. And no I’ve never had an identity crisis, never felt bitter.

The only adoptees I do know that have struggled are the ones adopted by grandparents because their biological parents were in and out of their lives causing confusion and pain. One of the reasons I have a strong dislike for open adoptions. I am so grateful that wasn’t something I had to endure. I also have a life long friend who was a teen mom, married at 17 and has a beautiful family -still married (with two more children) more than 20 years later. I don’t believe in pressuring someone to place their child for adoption but I also don’t believe adoption should be the last option. I think the child’s needs do need to come first.

 

[Young_Thinker]

Lastly, as for the aunt adopting. I think it would be WAY to hard on your niece to see her daughter call the aunt ‘mommy’ at family reunions. If this girl is going to give the kid up, she deserve to not have it in her face

CM

But that is often how it was in the days before the availability of artificial birth control or legal abortion. If the grandparents of the baby were still fairly young, they raised him as their own, with the biological mother being his big sister. In other scenarios where a child was raised by relatives, the birth mother was thought of as an aunt. While it was probably very often a little uncomfortable to the birth mother, it was in the best interests of the child, and she had to get used to it. She still could see and hopefully have a close relationship with her child while he was growing up, and once he grew up, she could always tell him that she was his real mother and try to “reconnect” with him, whether or not his adoptive parents are still in his life. Sometimes, a boy or girl was raised by his grandparents, and if they died while he or she was still little, his real mother could take him in; hopefully, by that time, she would be more mature and able to support him, ideally with the help of a sympathetic stepfather.

 

[Paddy1989]

Listen all i’m saying that if the mother of the child is unable to provide for her child then adoption should be a viable option, it is therefore the last option as abortion shouldn’t not even come into the brain. I know there are probably some snob’s on here with elitist view’s which i find disgusting but single mum’s working for minimum wage have been able to provide for their child as i seen this many time’s with other kid’s at school. Yes it would be better if she was married and/or had the father supporting her but many have shown to be able to provide for their child’s need’s. If she can’t do this then adoption should be the best choice

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Listen all i’m saying that if the mother of the child is unable to provide for her child then adoption should be a viable option, **it is therefore the last option as abortion shouldn’t not even come into the brain. I know there are probably some snob’s on here with elitist view’s which i find disgusting but single mum’s working for minimum wage have been able to provide for their child as i seen this many time’s with other kid’s at school. **Yes it would be better if she was married and/or had the father supporting her but many have shown to be able to provide for their child’s need’s. If she can’t do this then adoption should be the best choice

That is YOUR opinion and based on nothing except your own opinion. We’ve had several adopted people comment but you refuse to listen. How you can be so cavalier about a baby growing up without a father, I don’t know, but it takes 2 people to raise a child properly, a mother and a father, and starting out with just one parent leaves a big hole. Being a single mother is no picnic and it’s unfair to the baby to just be so lackadaisical about that.

I hope the OP will continue to support adoption for her niece’s baby.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But that is often how it was in the days before the availability of artificial birth control or legal abortion. If the grandparents of the baby were still fairly young, they raised him as their own, with the biological mother being his big sister. In other scenarios where a child was raised by relatives, the birth mother was thought of as an aunt. While it was probably very often a little uncomfortable to the birth mother, it was in the best interests of the child, and she had to get used to it. She still could see and hopefully have a close relationship with her child while he was growing up, and once he grew up, she could always tell him that she was his real mother and try to “reconnect” with him, whether or not his adoptive parents are still in his life. Sometimes, a boy or girl was raised by his grandparents, and if they died while he or she was still little, his real mother could take him in; hopefully, by that time, she would be more mature and able to support him, ideally with the help of a sympathetic stepfather.

I have heard from several of these people and it’s not the ideal situation and I think everyone in the family knew it wouldn’t be ideal. What is ideal is for the child to go to another family entirely. Now, that is not easy for the mother who has to give up the child, I realize that. But for the child himself or herself, there is no doubt that being adopted into a loving family that can give them a good home with 2 parents is the ideal. To grow up thinking you are the child of someone only to find out that the person you thought was your sister was actually your MOTHER? Gosh, that’s really a head twister. The people who I have spoken to have had to go into therapy to deal with the shock. They had no idea until they were told. It destroys trust to think that everyone in your family was lying to you your whole life! And with so many people in the know, it’s hard to keep it secret. A family secret causes distress in the whole family and the person who doesn’t know about the secret will have the uncomfortable consequences to deal with - at least once the truth comes out he or she will know what was wrong all the rest of the time.

No, it was done “right” when moms would just give their babies up and let go of the connection. Yes of course it hurts, I am not trying to minimize that, but that’s the consequence of pre-marital sexual activity.

 

[purplesunshine]

That is YOUR opinion and based on nothing except your own opinion. We’ve had several adopted people comment but you refuse to listen. How you can be so cavalier about a baby growing up without a father, I don’t know, but it takes 2 people to raise a child properly, a mother and a father, and starting out with just one parent leaves a big hole. Being a single mother is no picnic and it’s unfair to the baby to just be so lackadaisical about that.

I hope the OP will continue to support adoption for her niece’s baby.

There’s a difference between laxidazial and acknolaging motherhood.

Certinally we’ve had different adopted people state that they love their parents. There are hundreds who’ve had good parents and are miserable. There are some who turn into parents of single children becuase of death and divorse. One of my college friends deeply mourned her adoptive dad who died when she was 8 or 9 and wished that her parents would of been less selfish in adoption in their mid 50’s. She was an orphan again by the time she was 20 and felt very lost.

However, simply declaring that adoption is easy is dead wrong. Adoption in years before worked becuase children were stolen and mothers were shamed. Certinally no one wants to go back to that aggregious behavior.

The mother may be given the chance to grow up, there may be good. God dosn’t just bless people with children willy-nilly. There IS a reason why God gave that child to that mother.

The aunt, from my understanding, is also single, just far more wealthy. So no arguments about a 2 parent vs 1 parent family there.

 

[Paddy1989]

That is YOUR opinion and based on nothing except your own opinion. We’ve had several adopted people comment but you refuse to listen. How you can be so cavalier about a baby growing up without a father, I don’t know, but it takes 2 people to raise a child properly, a mother and a father, and starting out with just one parent leaves a big hole. Being a single mother is no picnic and it’s unfair to the baby to just be so lackadaisical about that.

I hope the OP will continue to support adoption for her niece’s baby.

Well to be honest what would you do if the mother WAS able to provide for her baby and wanted to but was doing so as a single parent, would you force her to give her child up for adoption?