Obligation to pay for stepdad's funeral?

  • Thread starter Thread starter catholic47
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
When a nasty neighbor died without mourners, Sophia Petrillo quipped, “Then we’ll pop for her funeral. It’s good luck to bury someone you hate.” (cf (The Golden Girls).

If the word “hate” make you uncomfortable, be of good cheer. This man may have exhausted you, but you haven’t lost everything of your values.

It’s hard to forgive and release, isn’t it? Especially when the wounds are so fresh. But yes, the word “hate” should give you pause. It’s an effective quote because it reminds us who we are.

One more way that we are reminded of who we are is to think of the offender as he was when he was a small child, fresh and bright, with his whole life before him. He probably didn’t plan to grow up like this.

Having said that, I’d say @(name removed by moderator)'s proposal is the best one I’ve heard yet, and might work for you.

Peace.
 
Last edited:
catholic47 said:
They filed joint tax returns and the IRS already started taking deductions out of her check, so it would be her debt even upon his death. It is true that she could file an Innocent Spouse exemption, but this is another matter.
Click to expand...
Aside from the Innocent Spouse exemption, there are determinations of noncollectibility (I think it’s around $30k income for a single person), bankruptcy (after a couple of years. I have discharged literally millions in taxes for clients), and other options.
 
I had an unrelated issue of a medical bill that wasn’t covered by insurance, it was excessive, but I was able to afford it. I considered that a deposit in my spiritual bank account, and since it was paid in full it put the onus on the medical establishment to explain to God whether the price was fair when they stand before Him.

It doesn’t sound like cost is a practical issue for you, but a moral one. No matter how cheaply you get the funeral, you’re getting stuck with an unfair situation, and that’s what really burns. But, just as a thought experiment, what if you give him an even better funeral than he wants. Consider the more expensive plots in the Catholic cemetery as a contribution for the upkeep for all the dead there. So instead of him “getting” $4,000, say there’s a thousand people in the cemetery…you’re donating $4 for each of them. “If someone presses you into service for one mile, go with him for two.”

Again, just a thought. Of course I’m not the one paying the bill so I don’t mean to play fast and loose with your checkbook! Peace to you!
 
Brian_K said:
I had an unrelated issue of a medical bill that wasn’t covered by insurance, it was excessive, but I was able to afford it. I considered that a deposit in my spiritual bank account, and since it was paid in full it put the onus on the medical establishment to explain to God whether the price was fair when they stand before Him.

It doesn’t sound like cost is a practical issue for you, but a moral one. No matter how cheaply you get the funeral, you’re getting stuck with an unfair situation, and that’s what really burns. But, just as a thought experiment, what if you give him an even better funeral than he wants. Consider the more expensive plots in the Catholic cemetery as a contribution for the upkeep for all the dead there. So instead of him “getting” $4,000, say there’s a thousand people in the cemetery…you’re donating $4 for each of them. “If someone presses you into service for one mile, go with him for two.”

Again, just a thought. Of course I’m not the one paying the bill so I don’t mean to play fast and loose with your checkbook! Peace to you!
Click to expand...
Thank you Brian for responding and offering your thoughts. I appreciate it.
 
The_Old_Maid said:
When a nasty neighbor died without mourners, Sophia Petrillo quipped, “Then we’ll pop for her funeral. It’s good luck to bury someone you hate.” (cf ( The Golden Girls ).

If the word “hate” make you uncomfortable, be of good cheer. This man may have exhausted you, but you haven’t lost everything of your values.

It’s hard to forgive and release, isn’t it? Especially when the wounds are so fresh. But yes, the word “hate” should give you pause. It’s an effective quote because it reminds us who we are.

One more way that we are reminded of who we are is to think of the offender as he was when he was a small child, fresh and bright, with his whole life before him. He probably didn’t plan to grow up like this.

Having said that, I’d say @(name removed by moderator)’s proposal is the best one I’ve heard yet, and might work for you.

Peace.
Click to expand...
I have no “hate” for my stepdad in any way. Quite the opposite, which is why I stepped in and have already acted in a financially charitable manner by paying one month’s rent, buying them a used car, providing an RV for a place to live and associated accessories, writing a letter on his behalf explaining the eviction to the new trailer park, and putting down the deposit. In other words, I have spent $20,000 on him and my mom already, so the thought of spending more even on a spiritual act of mercy to the tune of $8,000-$10,000 is what I hate. In a certain way, it could be argued that I am enabling his irresponsible behavior besides the fact that I do not like be treated as a bank. Furthermore, this is money that could be going to my wife and child for college, thus causing strain on my marriage.
 
Last edited:
catholic47 said:
I have no “hate” for my stepdad in any way. Quite the opposite, which is why I stepped in and have already acted in a financially charitable manner by paying one month’s rent, buying them a used car, providing an RV for a place to live and associated accessories, writing a letter on his behalf explaining the eviction to the new trailer park, and putting down the deposit. In other words, I have spent $20,000 on him and my mom already, so the thought of spending more even on a spiritual act of mercy to the tune of $8,000-$10,000 is what I hate. In a certain way, it could be argued that I am enabling his irresponsible behavior besides the fact that I do not like be treated as a bank. Furthermore, this is money that could be going to my wife and child for college, thus causing strain on my marriage.
Click to expand...
I can understand your frustration.

I think you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with him. He is presumably not expected to die in the immediate future, so I think it would be reasonable to say, “I’ve been looking at the available options, and while I’m prepared to help with arrangements and cover some of the cost, if you want to have control over any of the arrangements, I think it is only fair you contribute.” Then ask for something like, $100 a month, that you will set aside to pay those expenses. Even if he only lives another year, you have money that he has contributed so you are not shouldering the burden alone.

If he spends $300 a month on alcohol, he can spend $200 instead.

If he is not prepared to contribute, then explain to him that that is his choice and out of respect and mercy you will still make the arrangements, but it will be accordingly to what you are able to manage, not necessarily his wishes.
 
Last edited:
V
“casslean said:
I think you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with him. He is presumably not expected to die in the immediate future, so I think it would be reasonable to say, “I’ve been looking at the available options, and while I’m prepared to help with arrangements and cover some of the cost, if you want to have control over any of the arrangements, I think it is only fair you contribute.” Then ask for something like, $100 a month, that you will set aside to pay those expenses. Even if he only lives another year, you have money that he has contributed so you are not shouldering the burden alone.

If he spends $300 a month on alcohol, he can spend $200 instead.
Click to expand...

I took your advice and had a discussion face to face about the issue and he is going to purchase a $10k whole life insurance for funeral/burial costs. I gave him the insurance provider, name of the policy, and 800 number to call. He said he would do so tomorrow. Hoping he follows through now. Will feel relief if and when he does. My mom will also be purchasing a $10,000 whole insurance policy.

I also called the local cemetery and they want $11,400 for a double vault for two people and the one day traditional funeral with casket is around $5500 per person. So a total of $22,400 for my mom and stepdad. The only “break “ which is not really one is that payments can be made over the course of 4 years without interest after making a 10 percent downpayment.
 
Last edited:
Speaking for myself, I would do what I could, but not what he wanted. Last requests can be as selfish as other life choices, and I would not be in the least obligated to do anything he was not willing to provide for. Burying the dead is a corporal work of mercy to be sure, but in this day and age, no one goes unburied.
 
catholic47 said:
I took your advice and had a discussion face to face about the issue and he is going to purchase a $10k whole life insurance for funeral/burial costs. I gave him the insurance provider, name of the policy, and 800 number to call. He said he would do so tomorrow. Hoping he follows through now. Will feel relief if and when he does. My mom will also be purchasing a $10,000 whole insurance policy.
Click to expand...
That’s great! I’m glad it worked out. Don’t feel bad if you’re the squeaky wheel that checks in and makes sure they have the insurance policies. As a matter of estate planning, you should have copies of the policies with the contact numbers.
catholic47 said:
I also called the local cemetery and they want $11,400 for a double vault for two people and the one day traditional funeral with casket is around $5500 per person. So a total of $22,400 for my mom and stepdad. The only “break “ which is not really one is that payments can be made over the course of 4 years without interest after making a 10 percent downpayment.
Click to expand...
Those are incredibly high numbers. Don’t feel like you can’ negotiate, especially if you’re likely to be purchasing plots in that cemetery for yourself and your wife someday. The worst that could happen is that they say there’s no movement, but that’s rarely the case.
 
catholic47 said:
True, but he wants his body buried. I do not know how firm his conviction is in terms of being against cremation, so I could broach the issue with him.
Click to expand...
Once he is gone, he loses the option to say. And if he can’t pay for it, no one is going to make you do so.

As others have said, you have no obligation to bury him, rather than cremate him.
 
I want a green burial. I will not get it unless we move as there is not a single natural cemetery in my state.
 
Most cities/counties/states have some laws about burial. In general IF you owned more than 20 acres and IF it were out away from any town, you could likely do it. We will never be able to afford even a square yard of land 🙂
 
You can often buy cemetery plots that weren’t used and are up for resale relatively inexpensively, like around $800 or so. The problem is cemeteries now often charge about $5000 to open and close the plots, plus the costs of caskets and vaults. So even if you get a plot for free, they get you other ways.
My wife and I bought our plots and paid for everything up front so the kids won’t be burdened. But I realize many can’t do that.
 
Even if we had $$$, I want to simply be put in the earth to decompose. While embalming is not the law, without a lottery win we will do cremation because cemeteries around here will not allow the unembalmed to be buried (again, cemetery policy, not the law).
 
Our state requires vaults, which increase the price. I think embalming is only required if the body has to be transported by plane. It is expensive.
 
$10,000 for my mom last March. She had pre-paid though which was a relief.
 
What is the difference between a coffin and a casket, seriously I thought they were synonyms.
 
A casket is more like a piece of furniture. Finished and upholstered, etc. A coffin is just a thin wooden box, more or less.
 
Last edited:
Ah. Thanks for the explanation. I’m all for a pine box when the time comes!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top