Offended, but should I be?

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Wife.of.Gabriel

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Background: My Vocation is Marriage. My husband and I have a Sacramental Marriage in the Church. He was previously married civilly in a rocky marriage and his ex passed away before we married.

Situation: I’m terribly offended, hurt to the depth of my heart, because my husband insists on calling his long time friend (his ex-sister in law) as his sister in law, even going so far as posting it publicly on social media for all our children, family & friends to see. To me this is a slap in the face since by this comment he’s saying that he and his ex are still married.

Questions: I am offended, but should I be - why or why not? Is there anything is Sacred Scripture or Tradition or Canon Law that addresses the legal change of relationships that naturally happens following death of a former civil spouse?

Thanks
 
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I know of no impediment to your marriage, now that his ex has passed away. You would probably be happier if you could let go of your feelings, especially about the former sil. Maybe if he could introduce her in a way that makes it clear that he’s not thinking of her as your sister. Do you see this woman often? If not, maybe its best not to mention her. You are his wife now…try to be happy with that.

I just re-read your post. Are you jealous of this woman in any way? Maybe she’s the only friend he felt he had, during this ‘rocky’ marriage. Maybe if you and your husband could talk to a priest of counselor (even both) you could work things out. The only sil’s he could have now would be your sisters, if you have any. Does he know that this hurts you?

Sometimes, knowing you’re hurting a loved one can motivate someone to change. Try telling him just how much this hurts, preferably with a priest or counselor in the room. And, he shouldn’t be calling her his sister-in-law on social media.

Is there something you’re not sharing? I just get that feeling. You don’t have to share it here, but you must deal with it.
 
Taking offense is a feeling, there is no such thing as should or shouldn’t, it’s how you feel, you can’t reason with feelings. If it offends you, regardless of if it’s logical or not, ask your husband not to call her that anymore out of consideration for you.

Personally I wouldn’t be offended because to me it wouldn’t be a big deal one way or the other. But what matters here is how you feel, not how you should feel.
 
How long have you been married? You said his ex passed away before you married, so this can’t be new to you that he still refers to her as sister-in-law. Have you talked with him about how it bothers you? You really need to be able to talk about issues such as this.
 
I don’t mean to sound unfeeling, but I don’t see what the reasoning is to be offended.

If your husband is calling her his sister-in-law that on social media in front of family and friends, they all know she is the sister of the first wife. They all know you are married to him now.

I think it’s always complicated after a spouse dies, because it’s not like a divorce where family members become exes. The relationship at the time of death was intact, so are the relationships with the family. I don’t see anything wrong with him not calling her his ex sister-in-law.

You refer to his first wife as his ex, also - were they separated when she died? Does he refer to her towards you and others as his ex, or as his first wife? I get the impression (and I could be very wrong) that the problem is not really the sister in law, it’s the fact he was married previously. Again, I’m sorry if I’m jumping to conclusions.
 
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Wife.of.Gabriel said:
Is there anything in … Canon Law that addresses the legal change of relationships that naturally happens following death of a former civil spouse?
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No, there is nothing in canon law that determines how we are to refer to people who became related to us through a marriage (even if that marriage is now dissolved, was never valid, or whatever the case might be).

This is something you’ll have to work out with your husband in whatever way is most acceptable to both of you.

Dan
 
Being offended is a choice, which you might be making to gain control over your husband past?

If so, stop being offended.

Second marriages can come with tons of luggage. If this is your only hang up…, let it go.
 
I’d consider it a good thing to have a compassionate husband who does not simply walk away from a friendship because of a divorce or death.

My ex BILs (sister has been married a few times) are still living. We are still friends. We see each other at family events (after divorce, still dad to my nieces and nephews). I am still friends with my brother’s ex fiancee, he is happily married now and no one has their knickers in a twist because she and I still keep in contact. All of my family is like the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.

At the very least, love your enemies is a commandment. It is much better to simply not have enemies.
 
Does your husband have children from his previous marriage? If so, this woman is still their aunt. If this is the case it’s not much of a stretch to say sister-in-law.

Even if there are no children from that marriage, I don’t think it’s worth getting worked up about. I don’t think it’s really a “slap in the face” or offensive. It describes their relationship probably more accurately than “friends”. It’s okay to feel weird about it, but I think it’s one of those things that you should probably learn to accept rather than fight or spend time agonizing over.
 
acanonlawyer said:
No, there is nothing in canon law that determines how we are to refer to people who became related to us through a marriage (even if that marriage is now dissolved, was never valid, or whatever the case might be).
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Thank you!

I’ve been married a couple of years now and I have no ill will towards this person nor towards my husband continuing a positive friendship with her or any member of his ex’s family. It is brand new that he’s suddenly now decided to begin referring to her as his (current) sister-in-law. Since he isn’t married to her sister, to refer to her as sister-in-law is a lie - once his previous civil marriage dissolved, they have no legal relationship status of in-laws. My stepSon tells me that before this weekend he’d only ever met her once in his entire life. She was one of about 22 half-biological-siblings to my husband’s ex and never lived with and wasn’t adopted by her parents - they weren’t raised together for very long, if at all before the mother intentionally left the country without at least 2 of her children, but this woman & my husband’s ex knew of each other’s existence, but communication was very spotty over the years. I’ve spoken to my husband and let him know of the inappropriateness of randomly beginning to publicly claim a legal relationship status with her when factually there isn’t one.
 
I think dwelling on your feelings of being offended will do nothing good. Try to mortify them.
 
Why does it bother you?

He is not married to the dead woman. He may have nostalgic feelings for people he cared about or reminds him of someone he did love at one point. If you feel this is a threat you should examine why you have insecurities about this and if they are justified. People call others family terms all the time and it can be easier than explaining in every conversation the longer situation.
 
So, this lady is the aunt of your step-son. All the more reason to use familial terms. People use familial terms for the people in their lives all of the time.

My son grew up calling my BFF “aunt”, her kids call me by the same familial title and our children consider each other cousins. I call her mom “mamma”. My son has had best friends who call me “mom”.

Is there some other reason that use of a familial term makes you angry?
 
So this is the aunt of your step kids; their dead mom’s sister they are now trying to connect with?

Do you see how this sounds from their (and the father of these children) perspective? Their mom came from a troubled(22 half/step/adopted siblings!!!) family and they found someone who is sane enough to have a relationship with.

W.ofG. get over it and be glad your step kids are forming good relationships.
 
In-laws is a legal term that indicates lawful relationships caused by a current marriage relationship: father-in-law, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Once that marriage is end, all those legal relationships are ended.

Of course friendships should absolutely remain between former in-laws and children should have access to know & spend time all their Aunts & Uncles (unless it’s not safe for them). As far as we know, she is on all appropriate medications for her depression & insanity (according to my husband, she has “insanity”, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the actual diagnosis, but either way, he says she’s on medication for it) so he allowed her to take our teenager for an extended weekend. Within in minutes of arriving home after picking him up she texted my husband that she’s crying & saying she was wanting to commit suicide and asked us to bring our teenager back to her for the remainder of her stay in our State. My husband said, No.

But that’s not what this post is about… this post is about being offended because my husband just started to refer to a stranger to our family (this is literally the 2nd time she’s ever made an appearance in 15 yrs. She just unblocked my husband on Facebook after not speaking to him for 2 yrs) as his (current) sister-in-law when she clearly is NOT and my question is whether or not there’s any Biblical or Church Tradition or Canon Law that would support either my husband’s decision to begin to her as his legal family member or support my offense of that lie since there is no legal relationship between him & her. Is there’s something in Church Tradition that okays this type of “white” lie?
 
Agreed, but this post isn’t about my kids relationship with their Aunt. This has to do with my husband suddenly beginning to refer to her as his sister-in-law, which she isn’t and hasn’t been for years. I want to be clear, I have no problem with him establishing a positive relationship with her especially after she blocked him out of her life for the last couple of years, but for him to begin referring to her as his legal relative when she’s not, is bothersome because it’s not true.
 
My husband having a relationship with her isn’t a problem, it’s great that she’s finally unblocked him! I do have a problem with him randomly starting to claim a legal relationship of sister-in-law to someone who hasn’t been his sister-in-law for years. Why lie? Is it a good excuse to lie by saying ‘oh, but Jesus in that situation it was easier to lie than to be honest’. Sorry, that’s just not gonna cut it. In the context of what my husband did, lie wasn’t only not necessary, it brought confusion.
 
I am asking you.

The Catechism defines a lie

2482 “A lie consists in speaking a falsehood with the intention of deceiving.” The Lord denounces lying as the work of the devil: "You are of your father the devil, . . . there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks according to his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

Unless your husband is intending on deceiving people, it is simply an easy way to reference this person. Let it go, you will be much happier.
 
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