Older? Catholic? Looking for a husband or wife?

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I think the majority of comments here confirm there is little kindness or compassion for the older singles leaving the church. They should get a life, quit whining, don’t expect too much from the Church, don’t expect the Church to provide an avenue for socialization.

The suggestions to form a group was a good one. Not losing hope and praying are also solid. The fact that the Church, that is us - the Body of Christ, shouldn’t go out of its’ way is a shame. I will take these suggestions, talk to those that are considering leaving with kindness and compassion and try to save those souls from leaving, with the compassion Jesus would have.

I also will think long and hard before I ever pose a question requesting insightful Catholic comments to this site. I am appalled.
 
choosyone said:
I think the majority of comments here confirm there is little kindness or compassion for the older singles leaving the church. They should get a life, quit whining, don’t expect too much from the Church, don’t expect the Church to provide an avenue for socialization.
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I see this type of comment as showing little compassion or understanding in its own way. For the record, I’m an older single. I was widowed.

Some older singles do not wish to use the Church as a means of finding another partner. Some older singles don’t want a partner for a variety of reasons, or don’t want one at this time. I’m definitely “not looking” right now for a variety of reasons. If I was seriously looking, there seems to be a number of avenues I could try including widows groups, Catholic Match/ Ave Maria Singles, or just participating in stuff around my parish and community, without feeling a need for a “Catholic singles group for older people” at my church.

On the subject of social contacts at church generally, I’ve taken to going to each “fellowship opportunity” and talking to one or two people I see there, especially if they seem to be sitting off in a corner with no one to talk to (often these are elderly folks, who I personally enjoy chatting with because they remind me of my parents), but I don’t go to church for the social stuff or the fellowship stuff and indeed, sometimes when it’s not a nice elderly person, the people I meet at church have less than zero in common with me, except that we happened to come to the same Mass or take the same parish bus trip or whatever. I find my friends through common interests like I always have. I go to church primarily to pray and worship.

For you to claim that everybody who disagrees with your own personal idea of what’s needed is not charitable or doesn’t care, is missing the point that everybody has different needs and priorities and the one you’re advocating is not the only one out there. It would be better if you didn’t call people uncharitable just because they don’t agree that the Church is responsible for solving everybody’s particular problem or else they’re going to leave the church. I have to admit I would have great difficulty keeping my patience with somebody who left the Church because of a lack of social opportunities, especially if they were looking to meet a date there. To me, and to a lot of other people, that’s not why you go.
 
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DeniseNY said:
I’m an “older” unmarried Catholic, and I’ve never felt as though I’ve been “dismissed” by the Church. Ever.
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Understood. We all have different experiences. It sounds as if OP feels he or she has been dismissed.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Understood. We all have different experiences. It sounds as if OP feels he or she has been dismissed
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Right. But, it’s not clear what exactly the OP expects the Church to actually do. There are always plenty of fellowship and parish activities to become involved in - councils, fundraising, parties, coffee gatherings, holiday activiites (even something like being a volunteer to help decorate), civic clubs, sports clubs. Also, if someone feels there is an activity that is lacking, they can talk to the pastor and see if they can help faciliate something (that’s what I’m doing in my parish regarding having more education on Byzantine traditions) . Sometimes we have to help with the heavy lifting. The sad fact is that a lot of parishes are strapped for cash and not everything can be funded. Nor is there always enough interest in something to make it a viable option. I can say that for myself personally, I wouldn’t be interested in such an activity.
 
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We see this frequently with respect to many different things. A person has a particular need. His or her local church does not meet the need. Perhaps the person meets, in person or online, other people who had the same need and the Church didn’t meet it. Perhaps some of them left the Church because of this. In the opinion of this group, this has become a problem the Church needs to solve.

The reality is that while the Church tries to be compassionate and help people, it can’t be all things to all people in all places and at all times.

The primary mission of the Church is to provide the sacraments to the faithful (this is also the primary job of ordained priests), and to provide them with spiritual training and guidance. In other words, the primary mission of the Church is to provide Masses, sacraments, opportunities and places to learn about our faith and to pray. This is above everything else.

A secondary mission of the Church is to try to help people with basic, urgent needs like food, water, shelter, warm clothing. Most parishes in US would be able to direct people to some source of help such as St. Vincent de Paul, social services, or their own parish emergency assistance.

I would say providing social opportunities and fellowship and potential dating and so forth is at least third in priority on this list. It’s kind of hard to argue that someone getting a date is more important on the Church’s mission statement list than the first two priorities above. It’s a “maybe nice to have” and parishes often offer some opportunities to socialize beyond just Mass, but providing a social life or dating opportunities is not really the main mission of the Church.
 
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I really would love to meet a wonderful woman and marry her. It would be fantastic if I met her through or because of a ministry of the Catholic Church. ❤️ 💒 I would be happy if this happens before I am 60 years old. 😊
 
1ke said:
“The Church” didn’t start the young adults or the moms or the ladies or the men or the Boy Scouts or the prayer group, etc. Members of the church did.
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I was at an Archdiocesan talk once, and in Chicago the Young Adult Ministry was started by the Archdiocese precisely because pastors were worried about keeping young adults in the Church (sad to say, as I recall, the concern was related to the Sunday collections).
 
Using this argument, being single is a near occasion of sin. Perhaps, for those married, a different sort of sin applies?
One might wish for a spouse to be more than a way to dodge a particular sort of sin. Single or married, the temptations to sin remain.
 
Hello.

I hear your frustration. In the 1980’s I was pretty frustrated with the church as they had limited ways for Catholics to meet others. The youth groups were too young -teens and below- I was in my 20’s - and the other groups were for older, married people. When I asked about this the answer I got was “most people are already married by the time they’re your age.” I felt really left out, but didn’t leave the church.

Didn’t leave because Jesus said knock and it shall be opened, ask and you shall have, etc., so I followed these directions, and not just a statement that people just somehow meet others somehow. And I did meet someone.

As an aside, I’ve always found it interesting that some married people forget what it’s like to be lonely and that some single people think that marrying will solve their problems. I think we need compassion for each other no matter what our states in life are. I’ve also found it interesting that some married people act superior to those who aren’t. Nobody really knows what each of us goes through in our hearts. This is just a soapbox of mine. Sorry. I will stop now.

But, by the way, the Catholic church is more than us human members, we have a divine leader.
 
jeannetherese said:
Using this argument, being single is a near occasion of sin. Perhaps, for those married, a different sort of sin applies?
One might wish for a spouse to be more than a way to dodge a particular sort of sin. Single or married, the temptations to sin remain.
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Please read in 1 Corinthians 7 where it basically states that in order to avoid immorality, one should get married. Apparently this sin stands out by itself - perhaps due to the fact that it tempts everyone and thus would be a common sin, but the other sins you may be referring to are not as common? And did not Our Lady at Fatima mention that more people would go to hell for sins of the flesh than other sins?
 
crenfro said:
Didn’t leave because Jesus said knock and it shall be opened, ask and you shall have, etc., so I followed these directions, and not just a statement that people just somehow meet others somehow. And I did meet someone.
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I’m glad it worked for you; however, there are others still waiting in their 40s, 50s, and beyond, with their hopes of having a family threatened or actually shattered. And how many of them are criticized for actually believing the words such as “seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be added to you” as well as the verse in Proverbs that basically states that a virtuous wife is a virtuous man’s reward?
 
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I looked it up in the Douay Rheims(Challoner). This is the explanation given:
http://www.drbo.org/chapter/53007.htm
Lessons relating to marriage and celibacy. Virginity is preferable to a married state.

[1] Now concerning the thing whereof you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. [2] But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [3] Let the husband render the debt to his wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband. [4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband. And in like manner the husband also hath not power of his own body, but the wife. [5] Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency.

[2] “Have his own wife”: That is, keep to his wife, which he hath. His meaning is not to exhort the unmarried to marry: on the contrary, he would have them rather continue as they are. (Ver. 7: 8.) But he speaks here to them that are already married; who must not depart from one another, but live together as they ought to do in the marriage state.

[6] But I speak this by indulgence, not by commandment. [7] For I would that all men were even as myself: but every one hath his proper gift from God; one after this manner, and another after that. [8] But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I. [9] But if they do not contain themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to be burnt. [10] But to them that are married, not I but the Lord commandeth, that the wife depart not from her husband.

[6] “By indulgence”: That is, by a condescension to your weakness.

[9] “If they do not contain”: This is spoken of such as are free, and not of such as, by vow, have given their first faith to God; to whom if they will use proper means to obtain it, God will never refuse the gift of continency. Some translators have corrupted this text, by rendering it, if they cannot contain.
 
jeannetherese said:
I looked it up in the Douay Rheims(Challoner). This is the explanation given:
http://www.drbo.org/chapter/53007.htm
Lessons relating to marriage and celibacy. Virginity is preferable to a married state.

[1] Now concerning the thing whereof you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. [2] But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [3] Let the husband render the debt to his wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband. [4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband. And in like manner the husband also hath not power of his own body, but the wife. [5] Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency.

[2] “Have his own wife”: That is, keep to his wife, which he hath. His meaning is not to exhort the unmarried to marry: on the contrary, he would have them rather continue as they are. (Ver. 7: 8.) But he speaks here to them that are already married; who must not depart from one another, but live together as they ought to do in the marriage state.
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But if it really referred to those already married, the “fear” would be adultery, not fornication. Fornication refers to sexual activity among unmarried people.
 
The church should have a vested interest in this issue. Yes, it’s primary mission is to save souls. No argument there. But when there are lots of people essentially giving up on life, falling into depression, committing suicide, etc, what about their souls? What about the lack of married families having and raising good Catholic kids? It is definitely in the church’s best interest to assist in this area. Again, I’m not sure how, but simply ignoring the problem is not a good option.

I’m 40 years old and single. I have no reasonable hope of ever finding a good wife. This is depressing. The feeling of loneliness is terrible. The temptation of suicide is there at times but so far it’s not strong. It would be nice of the church offered something. Every ministry is geared toward youth or married families. My relationship with the church is going to Mass on Sunday. I don’t know the name of a single other person at the church because there’s nothing else for me to do or participate in.
 
I can totally relate to this, it’s Exactly what I have noticed in my parish. I am 37 and never married (yes there’s a long story there), but I have been engaged a few times…each time I just knew it wasn’t right. So now I am waiting for God to pick the right man for me. And I can’t help but notice everyone my age is married with kids, and most of the time can’t even be friends anymore with me because of this. I’m left single with the high school and college kids. To make matters worse I actually Look like I’m in my early 20s so when younger guys talk to me I feel gross, and when guys in their 40s+ talk to me same thing!! It seems like everyone in their 30s is wrapped up with their kids, and either is in a hurry to remarry Anyone, or they’ve made a vow to never remarry. It’s really disheartening especially when Everyone is like “you’re so pretty, why are you still single?” It’s not like I don’t want to be married, but God hasn’t given me a spouse yet!

I can’t tell you how many couples I have seen who wished they had waited for the right person instead of just getting married at 27 with all their friends…so I tried to learn from that and wait it out for their second marriages where they finally get it right…but of course then there’s baggage from the ex, and there are kids involved…

Is there really no one who has just waited on God’s plan? It seems like those stories always include meeting at an earlier age…does anyone have anything encouraging to say about finding their soulmate later in life?? I’m starting to wonder if it’s just not in the cards for me
 
ElyseTaylor said:
Is there really no one who has just waited on God’s plan? It seems like those stories always include meeting at an earlier age…does anyone have anything encouraging to say about finding their soulmate later in life?? I’m starting to wonder if it’s just not in the cards for me
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It definitely can happen! I got married a little later in life, at age 35. I’m sure there are others on the forums who met their future spouse in their 30s or older, too.

Do you know of the Catholic blogger/author Emily Stimpson Chapman? She married at age 40 or 41, and she has written about it (see the blog The Catholic Table), as well as a book on the single years for Catholic women.
 
Thanks, EnglishTeacher

It’s funny but that 35 mark seems to always be the age people tell me “oh I waited 35 years to meet this man” (after a failed marriage and kids)

sigh that doesn’t make me feel much better considering the vast difference of our experiences…as a human it’s hard not to be a little jealous and think "well at least you found someone once and had kids beforehand. I still haven’t had either. Just a string of narcissism from my parents and all my exes…which certainly makes dating tricker in general let alone trying to explain why I’m Still single…
 
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