Parent of a pregnant minor

[Sunbreak]

Going back to the original questions:
“As the parent of a pregnant minor what rights do I have? May I contact the adoption agency? Can I demand she place the baby for adoption?”
No, only the pregnant minor has a legal right to make that decision. Her parents cannot force her to place the baby for adoption. Not only that, but you as grandpaents may also be responsible for providing the grandchild’s support. I don’t know if this is true in all states, but at least some of them have ruled this way. So, if she can’t provide for the child, you as her parents may be legally be required to provide for your grandchild.
So, it seems that all you can do is continue to encourage your daughter to place the child for adoption. Perhaps there is some place she can meet with a counselor and get a realistic idea of what it means to have a child. If she decides to keep the child, then the only decision you have is how you are going to deal with it - are you going to make yourself and the whole family miserable and make your daughter’s life hell for deciding to keep the baby? Or are you going to make the best of it and see what you can do to take care of the situation as you would do in any other challenging situation?

 

[johnphilip1972]

You know, there is such a thing as kindergarten, pre-K and preschool. By the time the baby is 4, he or she can go to pre-K, and your wife need only have sacrificed 4 years. Your daughter will be 19 by then.

If you’re doing a good job parenting your daughter, she will be hopefully be getting more and more grown up and responsible with every passing year. If not, have a look in the mirror.

When I was 15 years old, my mom had cancer. I was the oldest of three kids and my dad was always working several jobs. I was coming home from 11th grade on the bus around 4 PM, throwing some laundry into the washer, cooking dinner, doing dishes and then grinding away at my homework until bedtime. I went off to college the following year, worked long hours at the family business during the summer, and was self-supporting by 20 and living on a different continent.

It’s not unfair to ask your daughter to grow up a little faster than the current norm if she wants to keep her baby.

All of the responsibility and growing up in the world isn’t going to make time stop. As I said, the child can’t be put off to the side while she gets it together. It’s not about my wife’s “sacrificing” years either. It is simply unfair to the child.

 

[masondoggy]

All of the responsibility and growing up in the world isn’t going to make time stop. As I said, the child can’t be put off to the side while she gets it together. It’s not about my wife’s “sacrificing” years either. It is simply unfair to the child.

I hardly think a working mother leaving her child in childcare is “putting her child on a shelf”. That’s really offensive to every working mother out there.

And as I said above, your wife doesn’t even have to do it. Your daughter can get state assistance to pay for childcare.

 

[Xantippe]

All of the responsibility and growing up in the world isn’t going to make time stop. As I said, the child can’t be put off to the side while she gets it together. It’s not about my wife’s “sacrificing” years either. It is simply unfair to the child.

Give your daughter lots of opportunities to be responsible for babies and toddlers of different ages during her pregnancy (the second trimester, let’s say–that’s the most reasonable time to do this) so that she understands what she’s getting into.

If your area has a maternity home, maybe she can go and volunteer there this summer?

 

[fpt]

The catholic morality is not linked to the statistics. The king money is morally dangerous. Could they find a family arrangement? They have to try, in the good faith, like an obligation of means.

Here, the intellectual approach of the discerning has to respect the natural rules.
Who has the ultimate competence of the decision? How to organize a good context for permitting the good discerning: no pressure from the parents and co. When to decide? Which reasons in favor of the adoption? Which reasons not to be in favor of the adoption? The list with positive points and the negative points for each solution? The vows or the advice of each member of the family: mother, father, pregnant daughter, the sisters of this pregnant daughter, her grand parents. In sus, the views of catholic priests, of catholic centers of charity…etc. The easy solution of the materiality should be avoided, morally speaking.

Her parents have moral obligations coming from their marriage in her favor and in favor of her baby: the resale obligation (“the resale right”).: an obligations of means.

 

[PaulinVA]

I think we all just need to pray for your daughter. She has two difficult things to deal with. A pregnancy and you as her father.

You’ve obviously taken nothing that people here have offered to heart.

This is uncalled for, and uncharitable.

 

[gh4]

The laws are obviously in place for a reason, furthermore our actions have consequences. My daughter’s consequence is obviously growing under her t-shirt plus the pain of labor, why should he be free to walk away unscathed?

He should not walk away “unscathed.” But ruining his life forever with charges of statutory rape will not help either.
He should be part of this, he MUST pay child support if your daughter keeps the baby. He should be given the right to see the child and to be an active part of the child’s life.

My youngest son and his girlfriend had a child in their senior year of high school Oh my that was the sweetest baby. My son supported that child until he was 18. They didn’t marry, they had actually broken up before she found out that she was pregnant.
I never offered to raise the child, and I sure couldn’t afford to raise the child myself, but I was by my son’s side and while I didn’t always agree with the decisions that the parents made, I supported him 100% And even though I worked a lot, I still made time to babysit for him, I enjoyed doing that!

Both went on to college. My son now has a wonderful wife, 2 adorable daughters and a great life and a great job. Had he had to go to jail and had a statutory rape hanging over his head, he would never be where he is today.

Please don’t retaliate and ruin a life because you are angry with your daughter, it’s only going to make the situation much worse. If he’s in jail or has a record that won’t allow him to get into college or into trade school, that’s not going to help support this child.

How does your daughter feel about the father of her baby? Perhaps you can find someone who has had a child as a teen to talk with your daughter about how stressful it is to juggle a child and school and homework, more or less a social life.

I promise you, this is not the end of the world. And it doesn’t have to ruin your daughter’s life even if she keeps the baby. YES, she has some growing up to do if she wants to keep the child. But if you demand that she puts the baby up for adoption, you could cause a rift between you and your daughter that may never heal.
I don’t think you can make that decision for her, I believe she’s the one that has to make that decision, legally speaking.

Good luck. I will keep you all in my prayers.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Please, please, PLEASE stop and think very carefully about the ramifications of pressuring your daughter into giving this baby up for adoption.

I’m speaking from REAL LIFE experience here.

It will destroy her. She will resent you, very likely until the day you die. She will grieve the loss of her child until the day she dies. She will struggle with mental health issues for the rest of her life, just as she would if she chose abortion. When the day comes that she does have children in the future and those children learn that they have a sibling out there, it will cause them unimaginable pain. They will sit together and cry, mother and children, and talk about what it would be like if that missing person in their family was there with them. The “what if’s” will haunt them forever.

There is always the option of open adoption, where she can still be a part of her child’s life. I agree that it would still be hard, and I agree that the decision to adopt should ultimately come from the daughter. But at least with an open adoption, she is not saying “goodbye” to the baby forever. She can still see her child (perhaps quite often) and be a part of his life.

 

[allycat10]

I think we all just need to pray for your daughter. She has two difficult things to deal with. A pregnancy and you as her father.

You’ve obviously taken nothing that people here have offered to heart.

It’s obvious he has made the decision, period. He has made it clear that the he only sees $$ and the ruining of his and wife’s lives. He is thinking so far ahead and jumping to conclusions about what may happen in the future. The OP acts like one more child will send him and his wife to the poor house. Aren’t there are other children in the home right now? What’s one more? Really? Yes, should the daughter keep the keep baby, she will need to get a part-time job to help pay for the diapers, formula, clothes, and doesn’t she have to be on OP’s insurance anyway with Obamacare? No, it won’t cover all expenses, but some contribution is better than none until she is older and could do better. No one knows what the future will bring and basing life decisions on statistics, is dumb. She could defy statistics. Plenty of pregnant single teens do it. I went to high school with three girls who had babies before we graduated. All three of them went on to college, not out of high school, but they still went and got careers. Two married and have more kids and the other one is the CEO of a communications company. Her daughter (the baby she had at 16), is about to start at Penn State in the fall. (I just gave my age away) LOL. The OP’s daughter is so young and has plenty of opportunity to still make her life successful. Sure there is a detour now, but doesn’t mean she won’t get there. Doesn’t mean that if she decides to the keep the baby, she’s received an automatic “life sentence to poverty”. That’s old-fashioned thinking. We have many advancements in today’s world that anyone could take advantage of if given the right guidance and direction. Her success boils down to one thing…the support she has.

Feelings of anger, grief, and frustration are appropriate, but the saddest part of this whole conversation, are the words of disdain and sarcasm for his daughter. She made a HUGE poor choice, but she is/will be reaping the natural consequences for a long time to come no need for more chastisement. If I was his daughter, right now I would be hurting, scared, alone, and confused.

Praying for OP’s daughter…

 

[Burt_Macklin]

He should not walk away “unscathed.” But ruining his life forever with charges of statutory rape will not help either.
He should be part of this, he MUST pay child support if your daughter keeps the baby. He should be given the right to see the child and to be an active part of the child’s life.

Nobody has mentioned this (or maybe they have I just didn’t catch it), but the boy in this case is also a minor. If he is guilty of sex with a minor then so is she.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I think we all just need to pray for your daughter. She has two difficult things to deal with. A pregnancy and you as her father.

You’ve obviously taken nothing that people here have offered to heart.

I was just thinking that if I was the daughter I would be putting myself up for adoption and taking the baby with me.

In the UK, there are centres that teen mums can go to, do they exist in the states? It will give her the space to make the decision that is right for her and the baby. The stress of having such a controlling father who does not listen to others opinions will not be good on mum or baby.

I don’t now why he came here…he’s made his decision, he just needs to break the daughter down until she complies.

Unless the daughter can leave and go elsewhere away from her father, I actually think she should adopt the baby out but it’s still her decision no one else’s and the baby does have a right to its natural family if at all possible.

 

[allycat10]

Please, please, PLEASE stop and think very carefully about the ramifications of pressuring your daughter into giving this baby up for adoption.

I’m speaking from REAL LIFE experience here.

It will destroy her. She will resent you, very likely until the day you die. She will grieve the loss of her child until the day she dies. She will struggle with mental health issues for the rest of her life, just as she would if she chose abortion. When the day comes that she does have children in the future and those children learn that they have a sibling out there, it will cause them unimaginable pain. They will sit together and cry, mother and children, and talk about what it would be like if that missing person in their family was there with them. The “what if’s” will haunt them forever.

I’m not trying to be dramatic here. The above is exactly, word for word, what I witnessed myself when a woman that I know was forced to give her child up. She* never *recovered from it. I just hope that you will take some time and really think about what this could do to your daughter and her future children. I know you want what’s best for her and you want her to be successful in life and have a great future. But really, all the fancy education in the world with the most successful career mean NOTHING when she struggles with the mental/emotional grief and damage that she will carry the rest of her life.

Would it really kill you and your wife to make some sacrifices here to do what’s best for her? Would you rather your daughter live with a lifetime of regret because you don’t want to change diapers anymore? Yes, a lot of responsibility will fall into your lap but there are plenty of resources out there to make it work. She will qualify for WIC, food stamps, medicaid, childcare…she may also qualify for full grants to attend college. She’ll also qualify for housing assistance that can help her get out on her own when she’s 18 if she wants to. She can pick up baby clothes at yard sales or even through pregnancy crisis centers.

Is this situation ideal? No. Of course a baby needs a married mother and father but that cats already out of the bag. This child can still experience growing up in a stable, loving family household in YOUR home. Who knows? Someday your daughter may find a great man to marry that will love that child as his own. Happens all the time.

I’m not saying that a teen mother keeping her baby is always the best solution. The best solution is the one that the mother chooses on her own without any pressure one way or the other. If you harp on her about how hard it will be for her to raise this baby and how you and your wife can’t/won’t help her, you are essentially leaving her with no choice but to opt for adoption and that is still a forced adoption and the consequences are the same. Yes, it will be hard and yes, you should lay it all out for her. But you should also lay out for her what resources will be available to help her and that she will have the loving support of her family.

EXCELLENT post!

And gh4 said:

He should be part of this, he MUST pay child support if your daughter keeps the baby. He should be given the right to see the child and to be an active part of the child’s life.

The bolded, YES! He is 17 and CAN get a job to support this baby should the OP’s daughter decide to keep it.

 

[masondoggy]

There is always the option of open adoption, where she can still be a part of her child’s life. I agree that it would still be hard, and I agree that the decision to adopt should ultimately come from the daughter. But at least with an open adoption, she is not saying “goodbye” to the baby forever. She can still see her child (perhaps quite often) and be a part of his life.

I definitely agree that is a wonderful option that should be presented to her. But it’s only a beautiful thing if it’s her choice.

 

[heidi_storage]

Wow, geez, what’s with all the hate for the OP? I think his desire to revenge himself by getting the baby’s father chucked into jail is not good, and of course he shouldn’t be forcing his daughter to place her baby for adoption against her will, but I don’t at all see his anger and concerns as indicating he’s a selfish hound, as most people seem to think.

Look. His very young daughter made a really lousy choice. It’s pretty natural to be angry with her. He isn’t threatening to chuck her out on her ear, and everyone seems to think that he and his wife should make significant time and money sacrifices with smiles on their faces.

As far as the best interests of the daughter and child–she absolutely is statistically more likely to be poor–as is her child–if she keeps her baby with her. The concern about switching primary caregivers is valid, too; it would mean significant disruption for a young child. There’s nothing coldhearted about stating this fact. And yes, there are many, many loving prospective parents for whom a baby is an answer to prayer. To me, the OP is quite right to hope that his daughter and the father will choose adoption.

Now: The OP CANNOT force his daughter to give up her baby for adoption. If she does not do so, then he needs to figure out what choices he can live with. But he doesn’t sound like a cruel monster to me, and I don’t think all of the hostility toward him is justified.

 

[Xantippe]

Her success boils down to one thing…the support she has.

…and the effort she puts into it.

If she has her family’s support and she puts her maximum effort into it, she’ll probably do fine.

If she doesn’t have her family’s support, she’ll probably fail.

If she doesn’t put her maximum effort into it, she’ll probably fail.

But if the family is behind her 100% and she puts in 100%, there’s no reason she and her baby can’t have a prosperous and happy life.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Wow, geez, what’s with all the hate for the OP? I think his desire to revenge himself by getting the baby’s father chucked into jail is not good, and of course he shouldn’t be forcing his daughter to place her baby for adoption against her will, but I don’t at all see his anger and concerns as indicating he’s a selfish hound, as most people seem to think.

Look. His very young daughter made a really lousy choice. It’s pretty natural to be angry with her. He isn’t threatening to chuck her out on her ear, and everyone seems to think that he and his wife should make significant time and money sacrifices with smiles on their faces.

As far as the best interests of the daughter and child–she absolutely is statistically more likely to be poor–as is her child–if she keeps her baby with her. The concern about switching primary caregivers is valid, too; it would mean significant disruption for a young child. There’s nothing coldhearted about stating this fact. And yes, there are many, many loving prospective parents for whom a baby is an answer to prayer. To me, the OP is quite right to hope that his daughter and the father will choose adoption.

Now: The OP CANNOT force his daughter to give up her baby for adoption. If she does not do so, then he needs to figure out what choices he can live with. But he doesn’t sound like a cruel monster to me, and I don’t think all of the hostility toward him is justified.

For me personally it’s for the following reasons…

I agree that a parent would be very disappointed at his daughter, maybe sad etc and it would of course be a difficult time for them all. However what’s done is done, she is pregnant and the point now is…what next?

Had the OP come on here genuinely seeking advice as a distraught parent, I would have more sympathy towards him. If he had said “what on earth do I do”. However he openly admits to being disgusted at his daughter…not an emotion I equate with the conditional love of a parent. He has constantly belittled his daughter…she made a mistake (kids of controlling parents usually do rebel at some point), even suggested that the pain of her childbirth is a punishment. His OP was filled with disgust for his daughter, he wants to ruin another minors life with tale charges for a rape that did not occur and he has outlines HIS decision…his discussion is final, his daughters opinion doesn’t matter, he will push and push until she complies with HIS decision.

Most posters here weren’t against adoption, just for the psychological safety of the daughter, she needs to feel at peace with the decision and the only way that will occur is to have an open discussion about ALL options, pros, cons in a LOVING FAMILY who are SUPPORTIVE and for her to come to her own decision.

He doesn’t like the idea of an open discussion, his decision is made and his response was the immature, sarcastic “pretend discussion” he posted above.

So yes, I can’t see this loving disappointed parent you see who needs help in a difficult situation. I see a controlling person, who is disgusted at his daughter, belittles her, doesn’t listen to others opinions and has made his decision and needs to force his daughter to comply. That’s what I see.

 

[allycat10]

…and the effort she puts into it.

If she has her family’s support and she puts her maximum effort into it, she’ll probably do fine.

If she doesn’t have her family’s support, she’ll probably fail.

If she doesn’t put her maximum effort into it, she’ll probably fail.

But if the family is behind her 100% and she puts in 100%, there’s no reason she and her baby can’t have a prosperous and happy life.

Yes, her effort is also a HUGE part of the equation of success. Thank you for adding that.

 

[allycat10]

For me personally it’s for the following reasons…

I agree that a parent would be very disappointed at his daughter, maybe sad etc and it would of course be a difficult time for them all. However what’s done is done, she is pregnant and the point now is…what next?

Had the OP come on here genuinely seeking advice as a distraught parent, I would have more sympathy towards him. If he had said “what on earth do I do”. However he openly admits to being disgusted at his daughter…not an emotion I equate with the conditional love of a parent. He has constantly belittled his daughter…she made a mistake (kids of controlling parents usually do rebel at some point), even suggested that the pain of her childbirth is a punishment. His OP was filled with disgust for his daughter, he wants to ruin another minors life with tale charges for a rape that did not occur and he has outlines HIS decision…his discussion is final, his daughters opinion doesn’t matter, he will push and push until she complies with HIS decision.

Most posters here weren’t against adoption, just for the psychological safety of the daughter, she needs to feel at peace with the decision and the only way that will occur is to have an open discussion about ALL options, pros, cons in a LOVING FAMILY who are SUPPORTIVE and for her to come to her own decision.

He doesn’t like the idea of an open discussion, his decision is made and his response was the immature, sarcastic “pretend discussion” he posted above.

So yes, I can’t see this loving disappointed parent you see who needs help in a difficult situation. I see a controlling person, who is disgusted at his daughter, belittles her, doesn’t listen to others opinions and has made his decision and needs to force his daughter to comply. That’s what I see.

That is what is I see too. I don’t hate the OP and in fact, he, his wife, the pregnant daughter, and the baby’s father are all in my prayers as this is not an easy situation. I pray for wisdom for all and softening of hearts to what God’s will may be.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I think it’s hard for a father not to see his daughter as anything but a child at 15, and therefore, de facto incapable of being a good mother to this child.

But going back to the archetype and reality of the best of mothers, the Blessed Virgrin Mary, she was just 15 I think when she gave birth to Jesus. Isn’t that commonly held?

May God’s Will be done in this matter. Let’s pray for all persons involved here.

 

[PaulinVA]

Xantippe:

Quote:

Originally Posted by allycat10

Her success boils down to one thing…the support she has. put her maximum effort into it, she’ll probably fail.

But if the family is behind her 100% and she puts in 100%, there’s no reason she and her baby can’t have a prosperous and happy life.

Frankly, there is every reason to believe that it will not end well if she keeps the child. A high school graduate can not make enough money at 18 or whatever to support a family.

For every story with a happy ending, there is one or more stories that don’t end so well whether in poverty or in abuse at the hands of boyfriends.

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