Parent of a pregnant minor

[Xantippe]

So you’re saying she’s selfish if she wants to keep her own baby?

Sorry! What I’m trying to say that it’s not a “loving choice” if it’s not a choice on the girl’s part. If she is being pressured and browbeaten (and it can be done even without words–for instance if the OP were refusing to talk to her until she agreed to adoption), it’s not really a “choice” at all and I think (with others in the thread) that that could contribute to decades of bad feelings between the parents and the daughter as well as problems with her faith.

 

[Maine52]

Sorry! What I’m trying to say that it’s not a “loving choice” if it’s not a choice on the girl’s part. If she is being pressured and browbeaten (and it can be done even without words–for instance if the OP were refusing to talk to her until she agreed to adoption), it’s not really a “choice” at all and I think (with others in the thread) that that could contribute to decades of bad feelings between the parents and the daughter as well as problems with her faith.

Exactly. If she’s forced or manipulated by her father into giving the baby up for adoption, it can’t be a “loving choice” because it isn’t a choice at all.

I agree with everyone who said she will come to resent her parents down the road if they force and/or manipulate her into giving up her baby when she doesn’t want to. If she gives up the child, it needs to be a decision she’s made freely and that she feels at peace with after praying about it and weighing all the pros/cons of keeping the baby vs. giving up the baby.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Your situation and your daughter’s situation are totally different. It wasn’t a fair question.

Money aside, you and your wife have a committed godly relationship working together to raise your children. You finished school, secured employment, found a home, obtained insurance, and did all the other things responsible mature adults are supposed to do to prepare for having children. Your daughter and “Romeo” have done none of these.

All the support that parents can give a daughter does not compare to the support God intended her to get from a responsible husband. Unless you adopt your grandbaby yourself,** there will likely be constant friction between you and your immature teen daughter about how this child is to be cared for, about who has the right and responsibility to make decisions regarding the raising and instruction of this child. **

At age 15 I’m estimating she just finished 9th grade. That would put her and the baby in your home for at least three more years, whereupon (assuming she says in school and on schedule) she will graduate with enough education to get any job which pays minimum wage and where the most repeated question is, “Do you want fries with that?” If she wants anything better for her baby she’s going to need some technical training, perhaps an associate’s degree, which could have her living in your home with the baby until it is nearly old enough to start school.

And all the while you’ll be dealing with the conflict, “Whose baby is this anyway?” No, what Rau asked was not a fair question. The circumstances do not compare.

15 is just too young. You are not a royal family living in medieval Europe. Open adoption is a much better option for everyone.

Excellent post. The bolded part, especially is something that needs to be considered. I have seen this type of conflict time and time again when a teenaged (or even adult) child with a child of her own lives with her parents and when her parents share in the care of their grandchild.

It is a situation inherently wrought with friction because although the baby does belong to the teenaged mom, she is still a child herself and under her parents’ authority. Who makes the child care and parenting decisions if the parent and the grandparents disagree, and the parent is still a child dependent on her parents and subject to their decisions, and when the grandchild is also dependent on the granparents? It’s an incredibly tricky situation to navigate.

 

[fpt]

In my humble opinion, in this situation, catholic parents should help their daughter in her decision to keep the baby, in two senses, no abortion (here,no an issue), and no adoption (it is, only, possible, like a true exception). The parents should to try to solve the issues for permitting to their daughter to stay with her baby and to keep going her academic learning: homeschooling, the learning by internet, the video conference via Internet and…etc. It is an obligation of means, in respecting the good faith. The obligation of results is not existing, of course.

The cultures, the mentalities, the religious moral views and the spiritual moral views in favor of adoption of babies from unmarried teen mothers do not have be promoted like the rule. Only, the exception is an exception: not more and not less. The abandoning in favor of the adoption, for those types of situation, has to stay **the exceptional rule. **

Here, the young mother is not selfish if she keeps the baby with her within her family. Say the contrary is… no word!!!

 

[His_helpmeet]

You might consider an arrangement such as the one DH and I decided on in case our daughter ever ends up in this situation (she’s 9).

We decided that if our daughter had a baby out of wedlock while living at home, and decided to keep the baby, she would take the primary parenting role. We would be happy to care for the baby free of charge while she attended school or if she was working (either at a part-time job while in school or between university/college semesters). When she was home, she would be responsible for caring for the baby’s needs as this would be her child. We would assist her with providing for the baby and would not charge her rent until she had finished a post-secondary program and/or got herself a job where she could make enough to live on. At that point, she would be required to find her own home and her own day care options because she would be in a better position to afford these things.

 

[maryjk]

Excellent post. The bolded part, especially is something that needs to be considered. **I have seen this type of conflict time and time again when a teenaged (or even adult) child with a child of her own lives with her parents and when her parents share in the care of their grandchild.
**
It is a situation inherently wrought with friction because although the baby does belong to the teenaged mom, she is still a child herself and under her parents’ authority. Who makes the child care and parenting decisions if the parent and the grandparents disagree, and the parent is still a child dependent on her parents and subject to their decisions, and when the grandchild is also dependent on the granparents? It’s an incredibly tricky situation to navigate.

As have I. And much of the time, it is an adult parent vs, the grandparents.

How many posts do we see here, where a grandparent allows a child to something that the parent has forbidden?

Now imagine that with a 15 year old child, a baby and a grandparent that is footing the bill for everything.

If there was a situation made for adoption, this is it.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Excellent post. The bolded part, especially, is something that needs to be considered. I have seen this type of conflict time and time again when a teenaged (or even adult) child with a child of her own lives with her parents and when her parents share in the care of their grandchild.

It is a situation inherently wrought with friction because although the baby does belong to the teenaged mom, she is still a child herself and under her parents’ authority. Who makes the child care and parenting decisions if the parent and the grandparents disagree, and the parent is still a child dependent on her parents and subject to their decisions, and when the grandchild is also dependent on the granparents? It’s an incredibly tricky situation to navigate.

 

[fpt]

What is the position of each sibling of this young pregnant woman: the future aunts or the future uncles??? Her grandparents (the future great grand-parents of this new baby)???

What is the position of catholic priests? What is the position of the local diocese about those particular situations?? Ask them advice.

 

[DAML72]

And yes, this is a sad situation but it doesn’t have to be. Adoption is a chance for her to have a successful future, the baby to have two stable, loving, mature parents and a wonderful couple to expand their family.

When I was in high school in the 80s, there was a girl on my track team, a friend, who got pregnant. She was so very young at the time. His parents, being Catholic, wanted them to get married. The kids didn’t want to. They gave the baby up for adoption and the two went on to live their lives, establish families, etc. I am now ‘friended’ to this woman on Facebook, as well as the father’s sister (who was a classmate of mine). Whenever I see photos of either of their families, I can’t help but feel like there is someone missing. There are others within the community who I know feel this way, as the mother is such a ray of sunshine and a wonderful mother to the child she now has. Whenever I see photos of her with her beautiful daughter, my heart aches for her. If I feel this way, I can only imagine the pain that the families feel.

When your hurt and anger dissipate, please consider this reality.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Sorry! What I’m trying to say that it’s not a “loving choice” if it’s not a choice on the girl’s part. If she is being pressured and browbeaten (and it can be done even without words–for instance if the OP were refusing to talk to her until she agreed to adoption), it’s not really a “choice” at all and I think (with others in the thread) that that could contribute to decades of bad feelings between the parents and the daughter as well as problems with her faith.

Oh right. Yes I agree. We’re past the age where single/unmarried women were expected to give their babies up simply because it wasn’t “decent” to keep them…or so I thought.

Some people on here talk about adoption like it’s as easy as giving away a puppy or something. I’m sure it’s not.

 

[pensmama87]

You might consider an arrangement such as the one DH and I decided on in case our daughter ever ends up in this situation (she’s 9).

We decided that if our daughter had a baby out of wedlock while living at home, and decided to keep the baby, she would take the primary parenting role. We would be happy to care for the baby free of charge while she attended school or if she was working (either at a part-time job while in school or between university/college semesters). When she was home, she would be responsible for caring for the baby’s needs as this would be her child. We would assist her with providing for the baby and would not charge her rent until she had finished a post-secondary program and/or got herself a job where she could make enough to live on. At that point, she would be required to find her own home and her own day care options because she would be in a better position to afford these things.

Our children are younger (and both boys), but my husband and I have come to a similar decision if this were to ever happen to our family. It is hard to imagine what we would feel like, but I have a suspicion we would find it much, much harder to abide by a child’s decision to give up our grandchild (though of course we would respect that decision) than figure out the practicals on how to help a child raise a grandchild under far from ideal circumstances.

 

[PaulinVA]

Sorry! What I’m trying to say that it’s not a “loving choice” if it’s not a choice on the girl’s part. If she is being pressured and browbeaten (and it can be done even without words–for instance if the OP were refusing to talk to her until she agreed to adoption), it’s not really a “choice” at all and I think (with others in the thread) that that could contribute to decades of bad feelings between the parents and the daughter as well as problems with her faith.

Is it any better if the girl decides to have the baby against her parents wishes, but ends up relying on them to help raise the child? The same lack of choice is involved. The same decades of bad feelings can occur.

It’s a bad situation all around, but the young girl only has those options available that other people give her. If she decides to keep the baby, she needs someone to agree to help raise the child. She is also, statistically, sentencing herself and her child to a lifetime of poverty.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

But Daddy! I wanna’ keep my baby! Okay sweetheart, whatever makes YOU happy! Because your happiness is all that is important in this world!

Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right?

Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all.

My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.

Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.

 

[PhiloMed]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

But Daddy! I wanna’ keep my baby! Okay sweetheart, whatever makes YOU happy! Because your happiness is all that is important in this world!

Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right?

Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all.

My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.

Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.

I think we all just need to pray for your daughter. She has two difficult things to deal with. A pregnancy and you as her father.

You’ve obviously taken nothing that people here have offered to heart.

 

[PrincessRenae]

Stop, stop stop with the statistics. We are humans, not statistics. She has the natural right to keep the baby with her, and it is not selfish. The fact of saying the contrary is very… no word.
. Ask the catholic priests.

Statistics are important, many things in life are based on them, in fact. I don’t know why anyone with a logical mind would choose to ignore them.

She has the “natural right” to keep the baby with her? What does that even mean? If that were the case, no parent would ever have their child taken from them/denied custody.

Do you really think a priest wouldn’t think that adoption is the right choice?

 

[heidi_storage]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

But Daddy! I wanna’ keep my baby! Okay sweetheart, whatever makes YOU happy! Because your happiness is all that is important in this world!

Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right?

Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all.

My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.

Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.

I agree with you; adoption would be best. And you certainly have the right not to support your daughter’s choice; it’s just that she still has a choice. She can’t be forced to place the baby against her will. If you can persuade her to place the baby for adoption, well and good; if you can’t, you need to decide how you’re going to proceed

 

[Xantippe]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

But Daddy! I wanna’ keep my baby! Okay sweetheart, whatever makes YOU happy! Because your happiness is all that is important in this world!

Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right?

Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all.

My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.

Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.

You know, there is such a thing as kindergarten, pre-K and preschool. By the time the baby is 4, he or she can go to pre-K, and your wife need only have sacrificed 4 years. Your daughter will be 19 by then.

If you’re doing a good job parenting your daughter, she will be hopefully be getting more and more grown up and responsible with every passing year. If not, have a look in the mirror.

When I was 15 years old, my mom had cancer. I was the oldest of three kids and my dad was always working several jobs. I was coming home from 11th grade on the bus around 4 PM, throwing some laundry into the washer, cooking dinner, doing dishes and then grinding away at my homework until bedtime. I went off to college the following year, worked long hours at the family business during the summer, and was self-supporting by 20 and living on a different continent.

It’s not unfair to ask your daughter to grow up a little faster than the current norm if she wants to keep her baby.

 

[fpt]

Statistics are important, many things in life are based on them, in fact. I don’t know why anyone with a logical mind would choose to ignore them.

*She has the “natural right” to keep the baby with her? What does that even mean? If that were the case, no parent would ever have their child taken from them/denied custody. *

*In my humble opinion, the adoption should be the true ultimate solution: not more and not less. The easy mentalities in favor of the adoption, for those particular situations, are not in link with the Catholicism.
*

As catholic, we do not have the right to say that in her situation, the fact of deciding to keep the baby with her is selfish. Must she to confess the sin of selfishness if she decide to keep her baby with her, in saying no for adoption? No, of course. If you think, yes, we do not have the same understanding of the catholic morality. In my humble opinion, this manner of thinking in favor of sin of the selfishness should be fought by each catholic.

As parents, we have to protect our children and our grandchildren… and we have to keep the unity of the family…etc,** in function of our means:** it is a moral obligation of means coming from the natural marriage and / or coming from the natural biological filiation. The grandparents are here for helping the grand babies, if it is possible: *their “jobs”, their moral obligation of means in favor of their own family. *

Do you really think a priest wouldn’t think that adoption is the right choice?

The adoption is morally fair under conditions.

 

[masondoggy]

Please, please, PLEASE stop and think very carefully about the ramifications of pressuring your daughter into giving this baby up for adoption.

I’m speaking from REAL LIFE experience here.

It will destroy her. She will resent you, very likely until the day you die. She will grieve the loss of her child until the day she dies. She will struggle with mental health issues for the rest of her life, just as she would if she chose abortion. When the day comes that she does have children in the future and those children learn that they have a sibling out there, it will cause them unimaginable pain. They will sit together and cry, mother and children, and talk about what it would be like if that missing person in their family was there with them. The “what if’s” will haunt them forever.

I’m not trying to be dramatic here. The above is exactly, word for word, what I witnessed myself when a woman that I know was forced to give her child up. She* never *recovered from it. I just hope that you will take some time and really think about what this could do to your daughter and her future children. I know you want what’s best for her and you want her to be successful in life and have a great future. But really, all the fancy education in the world with the most successful career mean NOTHING when she struggles with the mental/emotional grief and damage that she will carry the rest of her life.

Would it really kill you and your wife to make some sacrifices here to do what’s best for her? Would you rather your daughter live with a lifetime of regret because you don’t want to change diapers anymore? Yes, a lot of responsibility will fall into your lap but there are plenty of resources out there to make it work. She will qualify for WIC, food stamps, medicaid, childcare…she may also qualify for full grants to attend college. She’ll also qualify for housing assistance that can help her get out on her own when she’s 18 if she wants to. She can pick up baby clothes at yard sales or even through pregnancy crisis centers.

Is this situation ideal? No. Of course a baby needs a married mother and father but that cats already out of the bag. This child can still experience growing up in a stable, loving family household in YOUR home. Who knows? Someday your daughter may find a great man to marry that will love that child as his own. Happens all the time.

I’m not saying that a teen mother keeping her baby is always the best solution. The best solution is the one that the mother chooses on her own without any pressure one way or the other. If you harp on her about how hard it will be for her to raise this baby and how you and your wife can’t/won’t help her, you are essentially leaving her with no choice but to opt for adoption and that is still a forced adoption and the consequences are the same. Yes, it will be hard and yes, you should lay it all out for her. But you should also lay out for her what resources will be available to help her and that she will have the loving support of her family.

 

[agnes_therese]

I think we all just need to pray for your daughter. She has two difficult things to deal with. A pregnancy and you as her father.

You’ve obviously taken nothing that people here have offered to heart.

Truly. It’s still all about him. He’s so “disgusted” with his “obviously untrustworthy daughter,” that I wish there were another relative who could take her in. The last thing she needs right now is to be beaten down emotionally.